When They Say, “You’ve Changed”

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“You’ve changed,” they say to you.

Feeling like an accusation.

Implying that if you hadn’t transmuted, then things would still be fine.

The first reaction is defensive.

“No I haven’t!” you insist, even while on some level being aware that as a living and adaptable being, you of course have been slowly changing over time.

Or maybe, you go on the attack, “You’re the one who’s changed! You never … anymore!”

Or, “The only reason I … is because you…”

But of course, the real harm in this declaration of change isn’t really the transformation. It’s the implication that you’ve taken a turn for the worse.

But what’s really behind those words? Here are a few possible meanings –

 

You’re Not What They Want You to Be Anymore

Maybe you used to let them walk all over you and you have since developed the confidence and self-awareness to set and enforce boundaries. And so they’re pouting, after being used to getting their way. Or perhaps you used to need them and you have since become more independent. And now they worry that you can be okay without them.

You’ve Grown While They’ve Stagnated

You met when you were young. You had nothing, so there was nothing to lose. But then came family, careers and a mortgage. The responsibilities were higher and so were the stakes. You grew, learning how to handle the stuff that nobody likes to deal with and willingly trading some temporary fun and freedoms for legacy and purpose. Meanwhile, they still act like a college kid living off their parent’s allowance and grumbling that you are not any fun anymore.

 

A Maladaptive Relationship Pattern Has Developed

It doesn’t matter who started it. One of you did something. The other reacted. And this negativity and ineffective methodology keeps being volleyed back and forth. Their reactions influencing yours and your responses driving their behaviors. Over time, this pattern has become a well-worn groove that has shifted the way you interact with each other and with yourself.

 

Life Has Taken You on Different Paths

And sometimes there’s nothing truly wrong. We all change as we move through through life and sometimes those changes simply take us different directions. “You’ve changed” may mean “We’ve changed” and we no longer fit together. Not as a proclamation of wrongdoing or blame, but simply as an admission of fact.

Five Eye-Opening Truths About Divorcing With Kids

Posted on by stilllearning2b

There’s a lot you know about how to divorce with kids. Yet there are some realities that still may surprise you. Are you aware of these five eye-opening truths?

 

You know not to alienate the children from their other parent.

From the day this all began, you vowed to not withhold the children from your ex. And you’ve stuck to your word, fulfilling every scheduled visit and being careful not to not restrict access.

Yet you’re starting to see that access isn’t enough to maintain a parent/child bond and you’re worried for the kids as you see the distance growing between them and their other parent.

So you try to step in, to encourage the kids to connect and to compel your ex to put forth more effort into establishing a relationship. You beg, you implore, you question and you grow increasingly frustrated at the situation. You struggle to understand why they’re not prioritizing the kids and every time you see your kids disappointed, your heart breaks a little more.

And here’s the eye-opening truth –  

You can’t create, maintain or improve the children’s relationship with the other parent. All you can do is provide access and refrain from mudslinging. The rest of the work is up to them.

What you can do is to continue to be there for your children and reassure them that their parent’s behavior is not their fault or their responsibility. You can teach them empathy and help them understand that even adults struggle to manage things sometimes.

Your ex may step up and form a relationship with the kids sooner rather than later. They may keep their distance for a time, only to develop a meaningful bond with their adult children. Or, as much as it pains you, they may never connect with their children. Let go of the illusion of control over that outcome.

 

You know not to badmouth your ex in front of the kids.

Chapter 1 of How to Divorce With Kids is, “Don’t badmouth your ex in front of the kids.” Everyone knows it and most try to follow this guideline, setting aside their own feelings for the sake of the kids.

So you bite your tongue when little ears are listening and save your tirades for more private times. You carefully craft your responses to difficult questions to avoid implicating your ex.

And here’s the eye-opening truth –

You have to make an effort to not compromise your ex’s new partner in the minds of the kids. Which, in cases where this new partner entered the picture before you left, is a very difficult task to manage.

But it’s important. For you, this other person embodies all of the bitterness and sorrow you feel, becoming more of a monster and less of a person. Yet for your kids, this person is another (perhaps significant) adult in their lives, someone they have to negotiate a relationship with and perhaps even learn to accept as a future stepparent.

When you allow your feelings for your ex’s partner to show (even if they’re un-vocalized), it creates confusion and tension for your kids. On the one hand, they want to be loyal and supportive of you and on the other hand, they don’t want conflict with their other parent.

No, it’s not easy and it’s often not fair. But your kids are worth the effort. So strive to separate what the other partner represents to you from who they are to your kids.

 

You know not to place the blame on the kids.

Children have a tendency to internalize everything. So it’s common that when they learn of the impending divorce, they think that it must be due to their refusal to go to bed on time last week or the tantrum they threw in the check-out line at the grocery store. And you know to reassure them that they are not at fault, that these are adult problems between mommy and daddy and that both of their parents love them so very much.

And here’s the eye-opening truth –

One of the biggest struggles after divorce is the rediscovery of your purpose and when you’re a parent, that role and by extension, your children, fill that need nicely. Of course your kids are your biggest priority, but you have to be careful after divorce not to make them your only concern.

When the kids become your sole purpose for moving on and pushing through, you’re inadvertently putting all of the responsibility for your well-being on their tiny shoulders.

And that’s a huge burden for them to bear. Instead, focus on taking care of yourself while also looking out for them. Model for them what true independence and perseverance look like. In the end, that will serve them better than you existing only to fill their needs.

 

You know to be available to talk when the kids are ready.

You end the dreaded “We’re getting a divorce announcement with, “I’m here whenever you need to talk.” And you mean those words. You frequently check in with your children and you’re ready to drop everything and listen whenever they’re in the mood to open up.

And here’s the eye-opening truth –

Especially if your children are in or approaching double-digit ages, you may not be their preferred go-to when they are struggling with the divorce. It’s important for you to provide access to other safe adults for them to talk to and to let them know that it’s okay for them to open up.

It can be stressful to think about the details of your divorce from your child’s perspective being shared, but if you deliver the message that the topic is taboo, it breeds a sense of shame and secrecy in the kids.

It is more important that your children are able to talk through their fears and concerns with somebody than it is for that somebody to be you or for you to control what information is revealed.

 

You know that your divorce impacts the kids.

Children need a sense of security and stability and divorce threatens both. Inevitably, children are affected when their parents separate. 

And here’s the eye-opening truth –

When you focus too much on the strain and impact of the situation, you may be unintentionally promoting a sense of victimhood in your children. Too much emphasis on what happened emphasizes the lack of control the kids have over the situation and gives them the feeling that they are damaged. Perhaps permanently.

Instead, focus on building grit. Share stories of overcoming adversity. Model and vocalize the power of choice in any situation. Acknowledge the impact the divorce has had on them yet also refuse to allow them to be defined by that singular event.

Fortitude and a sense of power over their own well-being are two of the biggest gifts you can give your children. Don’t miss out on this opportunity.

Six Reasons Smart People Are Dumb in Love

Posted on by stilllearning2b
smart people dumb love

I’ve always considered myself a smart person. And so, when I was confronted with the harsh reality of how stupid I was in my first marriage, it was a tough reality to accept.

How could I be SO dumb when it comes to love?

1 – Smart People Are Still Subject to the Addictive Nature of Love

No matter how smart you are, you are still impacted by your biology. And our biology has evolved to encourage us to form strong social bonds and to procreate. Oxytocin and serotonin help to create the feeling of love and encourage us to stay close.

But those aren’t the dangerous one.

That moniker goes to dopamine, the neurotransmitter that gives us a little jolt of pleasure whenever it is stimulated. And the best way to stimulate is through intermittent rewards.

Dopamine is present in high amounts at the beginning of a relationship when you cannot stop thinking about the other person. It’s the first, heady rush of the drug in your system. And it can easily become the dragon you keep chasing.

Manipulative people are masters at controlling the dopamine response in their partners. These are the abusers that follow their assault with copious amounts of affection and attention. Or, the ones who ignore your bids for attention and then randomly provide you with the love hit that you crave. They control you as surely as researchers doling out treats to the rats in the cage.

Much like any addict, when you’re under the influence of love, you can do some irrational and dumb things while seeking out the next high. And like any addict, it’s difficult to see the addiction while you’re still under its spell.

2 – Smart People Set Goals for Themselves and Are Used to Achieving Them

Smart people are used to dictating their lives. When they set goals of getting married by a certain age, they fully intend for that to happen. The problem arises when the goal of marriage becomes the sole focal point and the nature of the specific relationship is viewed as secondary.

In school, there is a direct correlation between the hours of study and score on the exam. At work, more effort leads to better results. When it comes to fitness, more hours at the gym results in a more favorable outcome. Yet in love, the corollary between energy and results is much more nebulous because no matter how much we try, we cannot control the behaviors of others.

You can set all the goals you want for your relationship. But if your partner does not share those goals or refuses to put forth the effort to reach them, those goals become moot. This is a difficult truth for smart people, especially when they see the potential within their partner. The question then becomes, are you in love with the person or with their potential?

3 – Smart People Have High Expectations of Themselves and Assume the Same of Others

Smart people are experts at reflection and course correction. They have high expectations of themselves and are often on a lifelong journey of self-improvement. They naturally assume that everyone else is capable of self-reflection and can articulate what they want. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. 

There are people who go through life taking advantage of those who see the best in others. People who do not hesitate to operate behind the veil of optimism and good graces. It’s almost impossible for those victimized by this behavior to understand it because it is so far removed from their very nature.

4 – Smart People Adapt to Their Environments

When you put sane people into an insane environment for any length of time, they will begin to adapt in order to survive. The analogy of slowly turning up the heat in order to boil the frog is apt here; even as the situation becomes dire, there is a constant recalibration of “normal.”

Smart people are good as assessing a situation and responding in a way that is advantageous for survival. Often, this is a desirable response. But when the response means that you have to continually bite your tongue or hide your true nature, the reactions have become maladaptive.

When the situation is toxic, it may be better to escape rather than to continually acclimate. After all, even if the water no longer feels hot, it can still scald.

5 – Smart People Often Trust Their Brains More Than Their Guts

When you’re smart, you learn to trust in your perceptions and your conclusions. You become adept at analyzing a situation and assembling evidence to support your case. This trait, useful in most areas, can be dangerous when it comes to love.

First of all, we want to believe that we made a sound decision when we selected our partner. So we’re reticent to admit to any signs that perhaps we made a mistake. Additionally, we fear losing love and ending up alone. So we create complicated narratives that excuse red flags in order to avoid facing that painful experience.

Smart people often dismiss their gut feelings, viewing intuition as a lesser skill than reasoning and believing only in things that can be proven through factual evidence.

Even when we can’t prove them, our gut feelings are important. They often operate like the sensors placed to recognize even the slightest increase in seismic activity. The disturbances are so slight that they operate below the level of conscious awareness, yet the gut can still tell that “something” is off.

6 – Smart People Fall Into the “Sunk Cost Fallacy” Because They Don’t Like to Quit

Once you have invested years into a relationship, it’s easy to use the time spent as justification for spending more time and energy. Sometimes, this inclination is advantageous. But if the demise of the relationship is inevitable, it’s simply throwing good money after bad in a desperate attempt to keep from admitting defeat.

Smart people have learned that success comes from effort and perseverance. They may struggle to understand the distinction between quitting (born from fear or frustration) and letting go (which arises from courage and acceptance). As a result, they will often do – and try – anything to keep from giving up. Even if it means giving up on themselves.

There is a silver lining to all of this…

Smart people learn from their mistakes. They understand how to break down a situation and reflect upon its merits and detriments. Smart people don’t shy away from responsibility or hard work. They see the correlation between effort and outcome and know that anything worthwhile isn’t easy to obtain.

Smart people can learn how to become smart in love.

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Signs You’re Holding On When It’s Time to Let Go

Posted on by stilllearning2b
holding on

Letting go is hard.

Damned hard.

I first learned this as a young child, exploring my grandmother’s basement, packed to the ceiling with carefully labeled and organized items as though she was preparing to seek refuge from the apocalypse.

Which, in many ways, she was.

She lived through starvation and disaster on the Dakota prairie that followed the first World War. Later, she experienced the Great Depression and the subsequent war that followed. She felt the burden of providing for three children while also caring for a sister and a husband that faced medical crises.

All of this occurred long before I was born. So I puzzled at the multiples of cans stacked on a windowsill that approximated a grocery shelf when a fully-stocked pantry and fridge occupied the kitchen above. From my perspective as a middle class American kid, the grocery store was a constant. I simply couldn’t understand the need to create an additional level of food security at home even as I could see how deeply the need went within her.

Then my parents divorced. And for the first time in my young life, I felt that overwhelming need to hold on to something – anything – in an attempt to create that sense of security and certainty that I needed to feel safe in the world. In fact, that need was part of what drove my attachment towards my first husband. Sometimes I wish that hindsight could be aimed forwards.

At some point, most of us experience that sense of life pulling the rug from beneath our feet. We reach out. And grab on. 

Only to realize much later that we’re still holding on long after it’s time to let go. 

The following are possible signs that you’re still holding on when perhaps it is time to let go:

The person, object or situation no longer brings you joy or fulfills a purpose.

The first hosta that I planted in my old front yard brought me endless pleasure. I admired its immense green span when I pulled into the driveway and marveled at the unfurling of its new leaves. As the sun intensified over the ensuing weeks, the once-pristine leaves began to brown, turning shriveled and deformed in the face of the sun’s relentless beating. The plant no longer brought me joy. Instead, the sight of the failing foliage brought me guilt and shame and frustration. Even as I refused to admit defeat and replace it with something more suitable.

We all have a tendency to that, to stubbornly hold on to our choices even when we no longer find joy or usefulness with our selection. Life’s too short for placeholders and clutter. If it doesn’t bring joy (to you or someone else) or fulfill a purpose, why continue to hold on?

You show signs of anxiety when you consider letting go that are out of proportion with the actual loss.

Have you ever removed a pacifier, favored toy or security blanket from the hands of young child? Did they act as though you were threatening their very existence? This just goes to show how easily we assign great meaning to things that can be relatively inconsequential.

We use these things – whether people or items – much like first responders use gauze to pack a wound. We stuff them in around the bleeding spaces in an attempt to halt the flow of emotion. Their presence means that we don’t have to examine the wound. And we fear that if we remove them, we will succumb to the underlying injury.

The opportunity cost is beginning to be a burden.

I was in contact with a person who was in an on-again, off-again relationship. They were torn. On the one hand, they were afraid of being alone and were appreciative of the positive aspects of this particular partner. On the other hand, there were significant communication struggles and work that both needed to do to past this. Ultimately, this person decided to move on – literally – because continuing to say “yes” to this relationship meant saying “no” to many exciting opportunities that were presenting themselves.

Whenever you are holding on to one thing, you are preventing yourself from holding on to something else. Are you finding that you have goals that you cannot seem to meet because your attention is still directed towards this other thing? Are your hands too full to pick up what you desire?

You find yourself making excuses and becoming defensive when questioned.

My need for my ex husband was extreme. So extreme that I was not able to face the thought of losing him, much less confront the reality of who he was. I made excuses for his excuses and defended him to myself and others. And the one time someone asked if I was afraid about infidelity while he travelled? Let’s just say that they never tried to bring it up again.

We often feed ourselves the narrative that we’ve made choices and now we have to live with them because it’s easier than facing the fact that maybe we made the wrong choice and we have the power to change it. Denial is powerful and it puts up quite the fight when it feels threatened. As such, when you feel yourself gearing up for a battle when there are no weapons drawn, it’s a sign that you may be grasping onto something that would be better off released.

The fear of the leap is the only thing in your way.

It’s scary to take a leap of faith.

The thought of letting go when you fear that you may plummet seems like a fool’s mission.

Yet if you’re always holding on, you’ll never know what you can reach.

Related: The Danger of Holding On

Let That Sh*t Go!

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An Open Letter to Those Who Have Been Ghosted by a Partner

Posted on by stilllearning2b
ghosted

I see you.

I know that right now you’re feeling insignificant and discarded. I see you standing there in utter shock, struggling to process how everything changed in an instant. The “before” and “after” alternately body slamming you with the brutal reality. I see you because I was you.

I hear you.

I know that you’re frustrated that your voice, your very right to speak, has been taken from you. I hear your silent screams into the void, the endless question of “why” echoing through the fog. I hear your voice because it follows my own.

I understand you.

I know that you’re questioning everything, running every detail through your mind, worrying each strand of memory like a loose thread. I understand the doubts that are starting to creep in, that you’re wondering what clues you may have missed or even believing that you somehow deserved this on some level. I understand you because I was in that same place several years ago.

The pain and confusion you’re experiencing are totally normal reactions to such a complete and total blow and betrayal.

Being abruptly abandoned without explanation is one of the more painful experiences that life can deliver.

And the first thing you need to understand is that leaving in that manner is a reflection of your ex’s character. Not yours. Some may remind you that relationships take two. And this is true. Yet ending it on this jarring note was a decision made without your cooperation. You may experience judgement from others. Try to be patient with them as they truly don’t understand what it’s like. Even loved ones may seem to blame you. This is often because they cannot bear to imagine this happening to them and so they need to try to make some sense of why this happened to you.

Ghosting is cowardly. Instead of having the difficult conversations and potentially seeing you hurt, they chose to run and hide. That is not healthy adult behavior, especially with a relationship of significant depth and duration. It’s not fair to end a relationship this way. It robs you of any opportunity to ask questions, much less eliminates any chance you may have had to fight for the relationship.

After being ghosted, you are haunted by the unknowns. Those endless questions can drive you crazy. Again, I’ve been there and I took that ride for a time. You may get some answers. It could be that they were seeing someone on the side or that they had amassed secrets that they wanted to keep hidden. I know the temptation to hunt for information is strong; however, I encourage you to keep this urge on a leash. Too much obsession over the reasons for their actions will only serve to bring you more misery. They gave you important information about themselves by leaving this way. Ultimately, that matters more than any details.

Are you desperately looking for closure?

If you’re finding yourself stuck by not knowing what happened like an unfinished puzzle with a lost piece, use what you know to fill in the gaps. Craft a story from the facts you have and your knowledge of your ex. You may not get it right. But it doesn’t matter. Our minds fixate on what is missing. Once you fill in those holes, it gives the brain permission to rest. Here are some more ideas on how you can find closure without your ex’s cooperation.

Perhaps the most cruel part of being ghosted is that the residual doubt and uncertainty lingers and follows you into new relationships. You can easily become anxious, desperate not to be blindsided again. And this worry can easily poison your new relationship if you allow it to simmer. It’s important to learn to trust yourself again. It’s possible that you didn’t signs in your other relationship because you were afraid of what they would mean. Trust that you can not only recognize brewing problems but that you can also face whatever may come.

I’m probably getting a little ahead of myself. Right now, you just want to know how to make the pain end. I wish I could wave a magic wand for you and release the anguish you feel. But I can’t. No one can. Not even your ex.

They are gone.

The way they went about it is cowardly and shitty. Yet the end result is the same. They are gone.

They had all the power in how they chose to end things. You have all the power now in how you choose to move forward.

I’m going to interrupt to share with you a little story about ghosts –

When I was six years old, my parents took me to Disney World. I insisted on waiting in the two-hour line for the haunted mansion ride. They indulged me (yes, I am an only child.) As we approached the front of the line, the details of the house and the spooky sounds playing over the speakers began to frighten me. Panicked, I refused to step inside the attraction.

A short time later, I gathered up my courage and decided that I wanted to brave the ride again. My parents again indulged me, only with some well-deserved grumbles this time.

It turned out that I had built those ghosts up to be way bigger and way more powerful than they were. The fear was within me. The story that they would harm me was one that I was telling myself. And when I walked back out into that Florida sunshine, I felt proud of myself that I had faced those ghosts and made it out the other side.

I know this ghost is different. They have hurt you. Deeply. Yet now they are like a projection in that haunted house – the real danger is over. What’s left is the apparition in your mind. And even that will fade as you again walk back into the light.

You will never forget “the one who ran away.” But don’t waste your life chasing after them. They are not worth your time.

Your love and loyalty and energy are better spent on those that deserve it.

And that includes you.

I see you.

I hear you.

I understand you.

And I believe in you.

Lisa

 

Want to learn more about my story when I was abruptly abandoned by my husband after sixteen years?

 

Are you looking for help recovering from being ghosted?