At Some Point, It’s No Longer About the Nail

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When is it no longer about what hurt you?

 

In the beginning, I made it all about him.

What he did.

Why he did it.

How he did it.

Where he was.

Who he was.

 

It was an escape of a sort. A distraction. If I stayed focused on him, I didn’t have to think about me.

 

What I was going to do now that my life was washed away.

Why this happened to me.

How I was going to survive and rebuild.

Where I was going to live.

And who I was without him.

 

But at some point, I had to decide to make it all about me. To turn my energies towards what I could change rather than curse what I could not.

Because no matter how much attention I turned towards him, it wasn’t going to help me feel any better.

 

When you first step upon a nail, the sharp steel tearing through tender flesh, it is prudent to focus on the nail. First by removing the offending stake and then by examining it for any signs of rust or fragments left behind.

And then at some point, the nail no longer matters.

Only the wound is of consequence. And your attentions must turn to the ministrations of puncture care, ensuring that it heals fully without infection to poison the blood.

 

A difficult divorce is much the same. Once the distressing person has been removed, focus on them only leaves your wounds unattended.

Because at some point, the nail no longer matters.

Only you do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Riding the Rollercoaster of On Again, Off Again Relationships

Posted on by stilllearning2b

One day, you’re madly in love and you can’t imagine your life without this person. And then the next day, you’re storming out of the house and blocking their number on your phone. Only to find yourself back in their arms a few weeks later.

Your relationship feels like a rollercoaster. When it’s good, it’s great. But it never seems to stay great for long. Every high is followed by a corresponding low. And even though you promise yourself that things are going to be different this time, you can’t seem to get off the endless ride of on again, off again.

 

Why Does the On Again, Off Again Relationship Pattern Occur?

 

Strong Chemistry

In relationships that follow this rollercoaster pattern, there is often an intense physical connection. This primal response is powerful and can easily overwhelm the more rational side of the brain that is cognizant of the areas where there is frequent discord.

 

A Focus on the Potential

It’s easy to fall for someone’s potential. You see what they can be and think that if you give it enough time, that is what they will be. You’re pulled back in time and time again because you’re hoping that this time they’ve become what you want them to be.

 

Never Allowing for Detox

There is a dopamine rush that accompanies the start (or restart) of a relationship. It’s a heady – and addictive – feeling. The end of a relationship comes with a corresponding withdrawal. Without time to fully detox from this cycle, it can be easy to keep looking for that next hit.

 

Exaggeration of Both the Good and Bad

When you’re apart, you find yourself fixating on what made the relationship good and so you’re pulled back in. But once there, the negative aspects of the relationship begin to wake from dormancy and again overwhelm what works.

 

Responding to Loneliness

Sometimes we respond to the inevitable loneliness that follows a break up by reaching out for the person that last filled that void. Only to realize – again – that it is possible to be lonelier with somebody that doesn’t see than to be on your own.

 

Return to the Familiar

We do what we know. And this relationship, even with its problems, is a known entity. As comfortable and familiar as an old sweatshirt. We put it on not because it fits, but because we’re used it.

 

Believing the Promises

Sometimes your ex is the one who is reaching out in an attempt to reestablish the relationship. That make promises that things will change. And you believe their words because you want so badly for them to be true. But the actions never follow.

 

Wanting Things to Be Different

You believe that maybe you just didn’t try hard enough the last time. And that if you just tried a little harder, you can make it work this time around. You believe that if you want it to be true, you can make it true.

 

Falling For the Sunk Cost Fallacy

You have a history with this person. Shared memories and all of the effort that goes into building a relationship. You don’t want to throw all of that away and so you become determined to try again.

 

Fear of Starting Over

The thought of dating someone new is scary or overwhelming. You wonder if there is anyone else who is any better than this one. After all, doesn’t every relationship have its problems?

 

Lack of Self-Esteem

You secretly worry that nobody else is going to want you. Perhaps you’re internalizing harsh words that your on again, off again partner has uttered in the downswings of the relationship or you’ve always struggled with not feeling good enough.

 

Pattern Becomes Normal

You’ve been on this ride for so long that the extreme swings from up to down to up again just feel normal. Whenever you’re in a relationship that is more steady, you become anxious or bored as you crave the stimulation you’ve become accustomed to.

 

How Can the On Again, Off Again Relationship Hurt You?

 

For most people, this relationship pattern is agonizing. A sense of safety in the relationship and secure attachment is all-but-impossible when the bottom seems to fall out on a regular basis.

Additionally, this pattern can occur when one or both partners are running from or hiding their issues instead of addressing them in an attempt to heal past traumas. As a result, personal growth doesn’t happen.

And finally, when you’re stuck in this cycle, all of your energy is funneled either into the intoxicating highs or into the all-consuming lows. There is nothing left over to do any real work.

You deserve a real relationship. One that is there on the good days. And the bad. You deserve someone that loves you and is committed to you. And that may be this person. Or, it may be time to let them go to create space for someone new.

 

Signs That it May Be Worth Another Ride

 

Enough Time Has Passed

If the time since you were together can still be measured in weeks, nothing has changed. That is simply too short of a window for any significant reflection and growth to occur. Additionally, you are both still operating from a place of scarcity, wanting to fill that void left from the breakup and you may still be susceptible to that chemical urge.

If, however, significant time has passed without significant contact and you still find yourself drawn to this person, it may be worth a try.

 

Each Person Has Taken Responsibility and Taken Action Towards Their Own Stuff

Both partners share responsibility for the on again, off again relationship pattern. In order for it to transition into a more mature and lasting relationship, both people have to own their own stuff AND take action to address it. This also takes time and if you rush back into things, the changes may only be superficial and temporary.

 

You Are Ready to Build Again From the Beginning Instead of Picking Up Where You Left Off

The foundation that your relationship was built on had some malformed parts. If you try to keep building from that point, it will always be shaky. In order to have a different relationship, you have to build a new relationship, starting from the beginning and using what you’ve learned to do it differently this time.

 

Signs That It’s Time to Get Off the Ride

 

You Replay the Same Pattern Repeatedly

If your relationship has begun to feel like the movie Groundhog Day, where every cycle through feels exactly the previous, it may be time to call it quits. Those patterns have become well-worn grooves and trying to change them with the same person will be very difficult if not impossible.

 

Words Are Not Supported With Actions

The right words are said. Promises are made. And then they are followed with the same old actions. Words alone are not enough to bind a relationships. If the good is all talk and the actions are all bad, it’s a relationship made of smoke and mirrors.

 

Your Happiness is Tied to the State of the Relationship

If you find that your well-being is on the same up and down cycle of the relationship, it’s time to step away. You can’t build a happy relationship when you’re depending on that relationship to make you happy. Figure out your happiness first and only then find someone to share it with.

 

 

 

Why It’s Time to Stop Googling Your Ex!

Posted on by stilllearning2b
Googling your ex

I am a recovering Google addict.

For eight months, typing the names of my ex or his other wife into that tempting little search bar was my drug of choice.

 

I was Googling my ex, but what I really wanted to find was respite from the pain. 

 

Of course, what I was hoping to find was a full-page ad taken out in the New York Times where he proclaimed that I was the best wife ever and that he made in the biggest mistake in the history of the world when he decided to cheat on and abandon me. I would have also been rewarded by the news that his new wife stole all of his money and abandoned him with a hastily-written sticky note.

Or, at the very least, the news that he had contracted rabies from the monkeys he was showering with in Uganda.

But none of that ever happened.

I mean, the showering with monkeys part happened. Thanks to my sleuthing, I was gifted with the pictures from his other wife’s blog. But as far as I know, there was no rabies, no sticky note and no full-page spread in the New York Times.

And from my perspective now, I realize that even if I had found evidence that he was miserable or regretful, it really wouldn’t have changed anything. Sure, I might have felt a little “zing” of pleasure at his misfortune (probably immediately followed by a jolt of guilt for feeling that way), but then I would have been set on a path of looking for more evidence of his struggle. Like a little breadcrumb trail feeding shots of dopamine to distract from my own pain. As you can imagine, that’s a path that is destined to lead to nowhere good.

 

Maybe you feel as though your ex took your happiness. So why are you gifting them your attention?

 

When you’re Googling your ex, you’re basically going to come across one of three things –

 

You discover that they’re doing great.

And, in turn, you feel like shit. Their endless pictures of smiling faces only serve to make you feel more alone. The upbeat nature of their posts makes it seem like they moved on from you without hesitation.

Intellectually, you know that you’re comparing your reality to their carefully curated presentation, but your heart doesn’t listen. For every good thing in their life, you find a negative counterpoint in your own.

Yet you can’t stop watching. It’s like a train wreck of happiness. It is unbearable to look, but you can’t look away.

 

You learn that they’re miserable.

Which is what you secretly want, right? You want them to feel the pain you’re experiencing. You want validation that you were important to them and that your loss has impacted them negatively. Maybe this urge is coming from a need for things to feel “fair” or perhaps you’re desperate for them to understand what they’ve put you through.

But the result is the same.

You learn about their misfortune and indeed, you may feel a little pleasure at the news of their pain. But then, you feel a little dirty. After all, that’s not like you, to want others to hurt. And, as you soon realize, that their pain doesn’t actually eliminate yours at all.

 

You are bombarded with pictures and information that show that they’re human, with both good days and bad.

This is the most likely result of your internet sleuthing. You see some utopian pictures of your ex with a new partner and later learn of a loss that they’ve experienced. Your brain thrives on these intermittent rewards, which are just as addictive as a slot machine in Vegas. You feel an intoxicating mixture of highs and lows depending upon the nature of what the day’s search reveals.

It’s a distraction from your own life, as you convince yourself that you need to know what they’re up to. Much like reading a daily horoscope, you allow this information to shape your day and shift your perspective.

Your ex let you go, but you’re still holding on. Tying your happiness to theirs.

 

Ask yourself this – How does your ex’s life REALLY matter to yours?

 

It’s not as though there are a limited number of “happiness tokens” available and you and your ex are fighting over the same cache.

Nor are you playing some sort of sport where one person is deemed the “winner” and the other has to accept the moniker of “loser.”

And, there is ultimately nothing that you can discover that will make your pain disappear or undo the past.

 

It’s time. Time to stop directing your attention into the endless chasm of Googling your ex. And time to start spending your time and energy on something far more valuable –

you.

I’ve Been There

Posted on by stilllearning2b

How Not to Be Your Own Worst Enemy

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When my writing first left the relative safety of WordPress for the great untamed wilds of The Huffington Post, I was elated. The first post hit big and I eagerly sat down that afternoon to read through the rapidly appearing comments.

And for every comment that made me feel good about myself or sorry for someone else, there were two that seemed to be personal attacks. Soon, the excitement I felt about being published was replaced with a sense of discomfort and malaise.

Yet I kept reading. For months, I dutifully read every comment, every review. I carefully weighed each criticism as though it was coming from a known and trusted source.I tried to answer each barbed question and address each complaint. I grew increasing anxious and melancholy.

And then finally there was one comment that broke me open. A stranger claimed that my ex was right to do what he did because I was always nagging and we never had sex. When he referenced the children (I have none), I finally realized it – he was talking to his ex wife, not to me.

Yeah, I can be a slow learner.

It finally registered that I was the problem. Not these anonymous internet commenters. But me.

I was acting as my own worst enemy.

It’s not always easy to recognize when you’re sabotaging yourself. Quite often, the initial injury does come from some external source. And then we remain focused on that even while we are ones choosing to keep our hands in the fire.

Set Limits For Yourself

Part of my problem with the early comment-reading is that I was allowed myself to become consumed, perspective lost and obsession triggered. In an act of kindness to myself, I limited my exposure to a few times a month and only on days when my confidence was high.

If you have a certain habit or behavior that is causing you distress yet you’re not willing or able to give it up completely, begin by setting boundaries for yourself. Decide how much is too much and stay well within those limits.

Watch Your Internal Narrative

When you’re acting as your worst enemy, you often verbally abuse yourself –  “I’m not good enough to succeed at this.” “I can’t do that.” “They’re so much better than me.”

Would you talk to another loved one this same way? So then why are you using these words against yourself? Here are some tips on how to edit your personal narrative so that you’re treating yourself more kindly.

Be Alert to Your Fears

Self-sabotage is often achored in fear. We would fail because we chose not to try than fail because we tried and discovered that we were not enough.

It’s okay to admit you’re scared. It’s not okay to allow that fear to control your life. Be aware of those areas where fear is dictating your route and work to regain control of the steering wheel.

Accept Your Locus of Control

Always wanting things to be different is exhausting. Strive to classify struggles in your life as inside or outside your locus of control. If it’s something you cannot change, either let it be or work to alter your response to it. Anything else is simply you beating your head against the wall. And we know how that feels.

Have an Awareness of Your Assumptions

When a friend fails to call you at the regular time, are you the type of person who assumes they were busy or do immediately think that something must be wrong – either with them or even more likely, with you?

If you fall into the second camp (which I think we all occupy at times), pay attention to these stories you tell yourself to fill in the gaps in your knowledge. Are you allowing yourself to get caught up in the details of stories that may not even be true?

Pay Attention to Your Feelings

What are the situations, people or actions that make you feel good? Which are the ones that make you miserable?

Which do you spend more time with?

Your answer may surprise you. When we’re acting as our own worst enemy, we often sadistically subject ourselves to situations that bring more pain than pleasure. And social media has made this even more commonplace.

Be Careful What You Nurture

Your energy is finite. Spend it wisely. Whatever you nurture, grows.