After the Affair: Unraveling the Excuses

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Once caught, most partners who have been unfaithful begin to make excuses in a rather lame attempt to justify their actions. In fact, these excuses often begin even before the affair is uncovered. These are the same justifications that they often recite to the affair partner, to friends and to themselves (often to the point where they’re weaving an alternate narrative that alleviates the discomfort caused by cognitive dissonance).

All of these excuses that a cheater offers up neglect one basic fact – an affair does not occur in a vacuum.

There are often months or years between the start of the infidelity and the discovery. And during that time, you may not know, but you know. At some level, you are picking up that something isn’t right. You may question, only to receive reassurance, leaving you confused that your observations are being dismissed. You may sense a withdrawal and try to pinpoint its root cause, feeling trapped in a labyrinth of denial.

Much like a cancer before diagnosis, the affair affects you even before you can name it.

And many of the excuses that the cheater offers up are using your response to the unknown affair as justification for their decision to stray. They may be correct in those two things being related, but they have confused the cause and effect.

 

Unraveling the Excuses

 

They say that you’re needy, yet they are the ones that make you insecure.

Sometimes the usual affection lags, leaving you wondering if they’re still attracted to you. Or, it may come in the form of critical comments about appearance or increased comments about someone else’s. Other times, it’s a turning – or even a pulling – away.

When you’re afraid of losing something, grasping is a natural (although ultimately ineffective) response. When we feel a disconnect from our partners, we seek reassurance that everything is okay.

 

They say you’re crazy, yet they are the ones who drove you there.

“I wasn’t texting anyone last night,” they claim, causing you to question what you saw. Gaslighting is a common strategy used by cheaters to cover their tracks. It’s a form of mental abuse that leaves you doubting yourself and questioning everything you see and hear.

When you are living one experience yet being told it’s something else, it causes disorientation not unlike that which occurs with the optical distortions in a funhouse. Of course you’re going to act a little crazy when nothing makes sense.

 

They say you don’t give them enough attention, yet they’re too distracted to notice.

“They made me feel appreciated,” the cheating spouse often whines (frequently following up with the addition of, “I just wanted to be happy.”). They describe how they feel ignored at home. Yet the other side of this equation is that even when they are home, their attention is elsewhere.

This falls into the “grass is greener” misconception. They think it’s better with the affair partner because that is where they are looking. Meanwhile, they could be the centerpiece of your life, but since their head is turned, they are blind to it.

 

They say you’re distant, yet they pushed you away.

Sometimes, they claim that you have been the withdrawn one. Yet they fail to consider the reason for your disconnection. When we’re feeling rejection, one of the common responses is to wall-off, building a protective barrier between yourself and the world in an attempt to avoid feeling the pain.

When there is an ongoing affair, you most likely are not feeling safe in the relationship, even before you can pinpoint the reason. Since your partner isn’t provided you with that sense of security, you seek to create it yourself. By yourself.

 

They say you don’t know them, yet they refuse to open up.

“They know me. I feel seen,” the cheating spouse says of the affair partner. Yet, they fail to recognize that they have been closed off with their spouse (even when begged to explain what is wrong) and transparent with the affair partner.

One of the strange things about marriage is that it can become difficult to be vulnerable with your partner because the stakes are so high. And it can be easier to open up to a relative stranger because there is less to lose. But it’s not fair to get mad an someone for not knowing you if you do not provide them the opportunity.

 

They say you’re snooping and questioning, yet they are the ones hiding things.

They snap at you when you ask where they’ve been when they come home late again. They become angry when you glance over at their phone screen when it lights up. They accuse you of being jealous, of snooping and of being in their business.

Even for those who do not tend towards snooping behavior, an unconfirmed suspicion of an affair can lead to those actions.

 

They say you’re critical, yet they are the ones not holding up their end.

We all only have so much energy. During an affair, that energy is turned away from the marriage. Inevitably, that means that there is neglect of the life and responsibilities within the marriage.

An affair is a selfish act, and those that engage in them are often caught off guard when there are consequences. If they’re acting like an entitled jerk at home, they will face criticism. Probably justified.

 

They say you’re no fun, yet they leave you with all of the responsibilities.

“You’re just no fun anymore,” they whine, thinking of the alternate universe they have with their affair partner that is separate from mortgages and orthodontist appointments.

Life means growing up. It means sometimes setting aside what feels good in the moment for longer term goals. And those that cheat are more likely to be immature and want others to do all the heavy lifting for them.

 

They say you’re angry, yet they make false promises that lead to dashed expectations.

Of course you’re angry. They keep promising to come home on time, to put the phone away, to spend quality time with the family. Yet it never seems to manifest.

As your hopes and expectations are dashed again and again, you grow frustrated. Why can’t they do what they promised? Sometimes, they begin to see you in a disapproving and controlling parental role, keeping them confined. Yet they conveniently forget that they stepped into that life and its responsibilities willingly.

 

They say we’re the bad guy, yet they need us to be the bad guy to justify their choices.

This is what it ultimately comes down to. They want to have the affair. And so they’ll do anything they can to justify their reasons for doing what they want.

They blame their choices on your behaviors. Yet they fail to recognize the impact their choices have on you.

Feels Like I’ve Been Here Before

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I keep getting the strange sense of deja vu.

Feeling like I’ve been here before.

Which is crazy on the surface of things. After all, this is a global pandemic, the likes of which have not been seen for 100 years.

None of us have been here before.

Yet, for those of us who have been through one or more of those life-altering moments – the discovery of infidelity, abandonment, sudden and profound loss – this may feel strangely familiar. After all, we know what it’s like to wake one morning to discover that the world we knew, the world which we trusted to ground us, no longer exists.

We are familiar with the grief that sneaks up and tugs at our guts when we’re not paying attention. And we are no longer surprised when we grieve the small things as much as the big ones.

We’ve experienced that strange sense of disbelief, of thinking that somehow this is all just a tragic mistake and that the reality we knew simply needs to be recovered.

We know the fear that comes with the uncertainty and the deep craving to return to a sense of safety. And we know that over time the belief things will return to normal is replaced with an acceptance that a sense of peace only comes once we’ve adapted to the new situation.

We’ve lived through that life turned upside-down, where the normally innocuous things have become threats hidden around every corner.

We’ve endured those long nights wishing things could be different before we dry our tears and pledge to focus on what we can control. And we learn both how small our influence is and also how powerful it can be.

We’ve tried to run away from our pain in the hope that we can distract our way out of it only to find that it cannot be outrun.

We’ve been through those moments of utter defeat when we feel like we’re not strong enough to get through this, only somehow we manage to make it through that day. And then the next.

This may be new. You haven’t been through this challenge yet.

But you’ve made it through others.

You know what to do.

 

Thoughts From a World Turned Upside Down

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I Don’t Know How You Do It

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When people hear about my story of tsunami divorce and contrast the sudden trauma with where I am now, I often hear the response, “I don’t know how you did it.” And sometimes when I reflect back on those early days, I feel the same way.

But I also have a different perspective now, coming from over a decade of hearing other people’s divorce stories. Mine may have made a good story, but it many ways, it made for an easy recovery – a sudden and absolute ending, easy to achieve “no contact,” no children and an affair partner that was another victim instead of an additional person that betrayed me.

The more stories I hear from all of you, the more in awe I am of the strength you have in persevering despite seemingly impossible circumstances.

 

Those of you wrestling with the difficult and multi-faceted decision to end a marriage, I don’t know how you do it.

In some cases, the decision to end a marriage is clear-cut. There’s abuse, abandonment, prolonged and untreated addictions and one partner is unwilling to put in the effort to make a change.

But many marriages exist in a more nebulous realm, where it’s not terrible, but it’s also not good. And that’s a hard place to be – a place filled with so much unhappiness but also so much doubt. And many of you are in that place or have come through there, wondering what decision is best for your family and questioning yourself even as you initiate the dreaded conversations.

I’m in awe of you. It takes courage to make a change, to be willing to jettison the known okay in pursuit of the better. It’s easy to allow a fear of being alone keep you where you are; it takes some serious backbone to see your worth and decide that you would rather have nobody than settle for the wrong one.

 

Those of you staying strong and raising children through your own heartbreak, I don’t know how you do it.

In many ways, I reverted back to a child after my divorce. I counted on people to remind me to eat. I struggled to make any decisions, much less responsible ones. And I had a toddler’s ability to control my emotional state (i.e. none). But I COULD do that. The only other creature dependent upon me at that time was a cat, and I was able to manage buying kibble and dispensing it at regular intervals.

Yet for those of you with kids, you don’t have the freedom to fall apart. You have to find a way to pretend to be entertained by a discussion of the latest Disney characters when all you want to do is cry and curse the world. You have to hold your tongue because even if they’re the worst ex on earth, they are still your children’s other parent.

And that’s not even the hardest part.

I love the quote about having a child is like your heart walking around outside your body. Yet now, that heart – that you feel such an immense need to protect – is breaking. And you have to watch, knowing that although you can be there for them, you cannot keep them from the pain.

I am in awe of you. How you get up every morning determined to stay motivated and positive. How you set your own feelings aside for the benefit of your kids. And you sacrifice your own needs in order to create a better future for your children.

 

Those of you making the decision to stay with an unfaithful spouse in an attempt to repair the marriage, I don’t know how you do it.

Infidelity is such a thorny topic. It’s more common than we like to admit and those that commit it do all fall into the category of unforgivable and unredeemable. And for some of you, you and your unfaithful partner view the infidelity as a turning point, an opportunity to address what led up to it and to learn how to do better going forward.

Yet even when that decision is made to try to make it work and even when your partner accepts full responsibility and is doing all the right things, it’s hard. You have to be vulnerable with the same person that took advantage of your vulnerability. You have to learn to trust the same person that broke your trust. And then from outside the home, you face judgment from those that deem the ones who choose to stay as weak. Even though the reality is that it takes great strength and courage to stay and face this.

I am in awe of you. It’s easy to dismiss people who make egregious mistakes, to stay in a place of anger and outrage and victimhood. It takes true grace and character to see beyond somebody’s actions – and the hurt you’re still feeling – and be willing to give them a chance to make a change.

Those of you who have to see – or even have a working relationship with – the affair partner, I don’t know how you do it.

I remember the first time I saw a picture of my husband’s other wife. I felt a strange sort of gutted as I scanned this image of a strange woman who had been intimate with my husband while I was kept in the dark. She was unknown to me, yet still played such a major role in my life. And I was lucky  –  she had no connections to my life and I would likely not have to any unwanted with her.

Many of you are not so lucky. The affair partner is a neighbor, a coworker, a friend (or former friend) or even a family member. You are forced to interact with them or even coparent with them. Every time you leave the house, you have a little tinge of apprehension, knowing that you could bump into them at any time. Or, you dread upcoming events because you know you’ll be trust into the same room as them.

I am in awe of you. You continually resist the temptation to hide away behind closed doors or curse the affair partner when you see them. You find a way to separate your feelings about what happened from your interactions with this person now with the goal of keeping the peace. And you establish boundaries that keep you safe but that also acknowledge their existence in your life.

 

I am in awe of you, you badass survivors. You amaze me every day!

The Three Stages of Utilizing Anger After Relationship Trauma

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Anger is a natural reaction to relationship trauma. You feel angry that your needs were ignored and your boundaries crossed. You’re enraged that your voice was silenced and that you were not allowed to have input on what happened. The unfairness sparks fury as they seem unaffected and you’re struggling to survive.

This anger has an energy to it; it powers your thoughts and often your actions. Yet, it is not a static fuel and its nature changes as you begin to heal. These are the stages of how anger is utilized in the healing process after divorce, infidelity or other relationship trauma:

 

I’ll Show Them How Hurt I Am

This first stage is automatic and can be quite overwhelming, even leading to irrational behaviors. Pain demands to be heard, to be acknowledged. And anger is simply pain screaming to be heard.

We recite the wrongs done to us obsessively, meticulously enumerating all of the wounds in the goriest detail. This list becomes the soundtrack we live by, each retelling solidifying our role as the wronged one.

Sometimes we lash out in an attempt to inflict comparable pain upon them. This may bring a brief moment of satisfaction. But it is always short-lived as it never seems to encapsulate the sheer magnitude of the pain. And then it’s compounded by the fact that it never feels good to hurt someone else, even those that have caused us pain.

We may even unconsciously sabotage our chances at getting better, seeing our own healing as a sign that they have “won.” It becomes a pissing contest of pain, stubbornly holding onto and displaying the myriad of grievances.

 

I’ll Show Them What They Lost

In the second stage, the attention is still focused on the person that caused the pain, but the energy is directed to making them sorry instead of making them hurt.

This is the phase where people are motivated to make changes in an attempt to be perceived differently by the person that hurt them. These are often in direct correlation to any insults delivered by the injuring party.

For example, those that have been called “fat” by their spouses often dive head-first into an exercise program after divorce. If the affair partner was well-educated and the person who was cheated on always felt embarrassed about their education, they may start a new degree program.

This is an interesting phase because the outcomes can be quite beneficial even while the motivation behind them is still anchored in the past. Often these external changes contribute to a greater sense of self and confidence in our abilities. Which taken together, allow us to enter the final stage of utilizing anger.

 

I’ll Show Myself What I’m Capable Of

From the outside, this can look identical to the previous phase. There is a commitment to bettering yourself and courageous steps taken outside the comfort zone.

But inside? It’s quite different. Because now the motivation has nothing to do with the person that hurt you. Now, you realize that you are the one that has been holding yourself back. And now, you are ready to get out of your own way and see what you can do. Not to show them, but to show you.