9 Reasons You’re Struggling to Find Love Again

Posted on by stilllearning2b
love struggling

Are you struggling to find love again after divorce?

 

“I’m never going to find anybody else.”

“I’m doomed to die an old cat lady.”

“Nobody else is ever going to love me like he/she did.”

“My ex was the one. And now he/she is gone and I’m alone.”

I hear it all the time. Variations on a theme. A composition of loneliness and longing that often settles into bitterness and resolve.

After divorce or a break up, most people enter a phase of chosen singlehood. It is a period to regain sanity, re-establish self and start the steps into a new life. If kids are in the picture, this swearing-off of partnership may last until the children are grown and gone.

Yet at some point, most people decide (or, even if it is not a conscious choice, start to respond to a pull towards) to enter a new relationship. To entertain the thought of dating and be open to the idea of love.

Some people are happy and fulfilled single and make a thoughtful decision to stay solo. This is not for them.

This is for those that want love but cannot seem to find it.

Those who sign up for online dating and never seem to get past the first coffee date. Those who think they found somebody only for the nascent relationship to spectacularly explode before its first anniversary. Those who only seem to attract the broken or seem to always end up with the sh*tty people. Those that are tired of watching everybody else pair off while they’re afraid they will never again be picked.

 

 

If you want love,

you want a partner

but you feel like giving up,

This is for you.

You’re Scared of Being Vulnerable

Relationships are hard. Damned hard. And anyone who tells you differently is selling something. After experiencing the anguish at the end of a relationship, it is so tempting (and so easy) to keep others at an arm’s distance. But that never works; love is all or none. If you have walls built around your heart (even if you didn’t intentionally construct them), you are keeping love away.

In order to love, you have to be willing to accept the very real risk of loss of love. Personally, I think trade-off is well worth it (even when I’m feeling overly vulnerable), but you will have to decide for yourself if and when it’s worth it in your own life.

 

You’re Looking to Fill Your Ex’s Shoes

When something or someone slides into our pasts, it can be easy to look back with rose-tinted glasses. Smoothing over the rough spots and settling on the good. Additionally, when we are with someone for a period of time, we grow accustomed to their particular strengths and can easily take them for granted and assume they are universal traits.

This can combine to creating an ex-shaped hole in your life that you are looking to fill exactly by seeking a doppelgänger. Perhaps you might find someone that seems to fit the gap, but then you discover some characteristic that causes discord in your assumptions. Or, you find that potential partners sense that they are replacements and they leave in search of somebody who wants them as they are.

A new relationship will never be the same as your former one. It will be different. And be open to the idea that different can be better. It means that you will have to accept the lack of some things you used to take for granted and it means you will be surprised by new benefits you didn’t have before.

And most importantly, it means that you have to take responsibility for filling that ex-shaped hole before you go looking for love. Be a partner to love. Not a cavity to fill.

 

You’re Seeking Perfection

Sometimes when a relationship ends, we assign its failure to its imperfection. And so we seek the ideal. The guaranteed. This time, we want the real thing. The soul mate and the fairy tale. Because if we can just find the perfect person, it will all work out.

And there is truth in some of that. At its most basic, your marriage did fail because of imperfection. Not just with the situation. And not just with your spouse. But also with you. Because nothing and no one is flawless and faultless.

Real love, lasting love, doesn’t begin with perfection. It begins with the acceptance (and open discussion) of imperfection. Perfection assumes you say, “I do” and then you’re done. You just sit back for the ride. Acceptance of the idea that we are all always learning creates the foundation for a growth mindset marriage. Not perfect, but fulfilling.

 

Your Actions Don’t Align With Your Intentions

It’s easy to say you want love. It’s easy to complain about the quality of the people on dating sites or the lack of options in your environment. Words take little energy. Wishes even less.

Love doesn’t come to the lazy. Especially love after loss.

If you want a relationship, ensure that your actions match your intentions. Get out and meet people. Lead with curiosity rather than judgement. Say “yes” to experiences and opportunities.

If you want a relationship, don’t act like you’re on the prowl. Act with integrity. Be trustworthy. Show that you can be committed. Don’t claim you want stability while you’re refusing to stand still. And most importantly, be the person you hope to attract.

 

You Are Sending Out Warning Signals

We are often unaware at the subtle signals that we are constantly receiving from others and sending out to those around us. And even those these signals are often subtle and below conscious awareness, they are powerful.

Do you keep attracting broken people that seem to need fixing or parenting? Perhaps you’re unwittingly sending out the message that you need to be needed in order to feel okay about yourself.

Do you keep attracting control-freaks that at first want to “save” you only to later try to dictate your life? Maybe your damsel-in-distress call has been heard by someone that needs to feel powerful.

Do you continually have people abandon you? Is it possible that you come across as too clingy, your intense neediness inadvertently pushing others away?

It’s hard to see these signals head-on; it’s often easier to spot them in the patterns of our relationships. If you always seem to end up in the same position, look to your own insecurities to learn why.

 

You’re Looking For Too Much Too Soon

When you’ve been married or in a long-term relationship, you acclimate to the intimacy of a well-known person. You become comfortable. Safe. And it’s easy to except to find that same feeling again.

But that’s impossible.

Because relationships are formed, not found.

It takes time and effort to develop a partnership. Instead of looking for insta-intimacy (which is usually just lust and/or desperation), look for someone that has the raw materials that you want that you believe you can build a relationship with.

 

You’re Still Anchored to the Past

It’s easy to be so done with the past that you try to move on too soon. There is a reason that the saying, “The best way to get over a man is to get under another” exists. There is nothing wrong with post-divorce flings, but don’t confuse them with love.

When you’re still enmeshed in your past, either situationally or emotionally, you are not creating the space or providing the nourishment for a new relationship.

Maybe you just need time. Or maybe you need some help.

But you have to let go before you can move on.

 

You Are Not Happy With Yourself

This is especially common with people who have been subjected to abuse, abandonment or infidelity. It is so easy to internalize your partner’s actions. To take them personally. To assume that unloving actions and words were directed at you because you are somehow flawed. Unlovable.

And when you believe that, others will begin to believe it as well.

Finding love with and for another has to begin with finding love for yourself. With forgiving your own mistakes and seeing your own beauty.

And the first step is realizing that when somebody treats you poorly, they are telling you more about their character than about your worth.

 

You Tell Yourself, “I’m Never Going to Find Love Again”

When you prime the pump for failure, don’t be surprised when you fail. Yes, learning to be open and vulnerable again is hard. Yes, finding somebody that meets your needs and puts up with your flaws is hard. Yes, relationships are harder when we are older have have more complications in our lives. And yes, getting a relationship past the early dates and into love is hard.

And hard doesn’t mean impossible.

Never say never.

 

Coping With Divorce – You Don’t Have to Do It Alone

Posted on by stilllearning2b

A F.A.Q. Guide to the online course, Thriving After Divorce: From Victim to Victor.

course board

Why did you create this course?

When I was in the early stages of my own divorce, I was desperate for help and yet frustrated with what I found. Every resource seemed to only apply to people who were undergoing “good” divorces. And mine was anything but. I wanted to create something that would help people regardless of the specifics of their situation and that could help people learn from (and move on from) even the worst situations.

Who can benefit from this course?

Do you feel like you’re merely surviving in your life and you want to fully thrive? Do you feel like the end of your marriage is still defining you and you’re ready to create your own meaning? Do you still find that you are overwhelmed with emotion that sneaks up on you and you want to regain a sense of control? Do you know where you want to be but you feel stuck where you are (especially due to factors outside of your control)? Are you tired of using your divorce as an excuse and you’re ready to learn how it can be your inspiration? Do you need a helping hand or a kick in the rear (or both!) but you don’t have the time and/or money to invest in traditional coaching sessions?

Then this course is for you.

Although the term, “divorce” is used throughout, this course is beneficial for anyone who has been through the end of a relationship and feels as though they are not living as fully as they can.

What can I expect to get out of the course?

After completing the course, you will gain a greater sense of responsibility and control over your own life and happiness by realizing how much power you have to change your responses. You will develop tools and strategies to address the negative emotions that arise and build confidence in your own strength. Finally, you will be able to gain a greater understanding of how your divorce fits into your larger life picture and perceive the lessons hidden within.

gain

How is the course organized and what does it contain?

The course is organized into 12 modules. Each module consists of two video entries that provide background information, motivation and inspiration.

bulletin board

The videos are followed by a Call to Action, which give you specific strategies to address the focus of the module. These are divided into three sections: Think (affirmations and quotes to help shift your thoughts), Write (a total of 7 journal prompts per module) and Do (easy-to-implement, concrete actions that put your thoughts and writing into action).

Why did you chose these 12 areas?

These 12 areas grew out of my coaching practice and interaction with readers. Over the past several years, I have found that these are the most common areas where people feel “stuck” after divorce.

Why do you include journaling in the program?

I am a strong believer in the benefits of journaling, especially when it is designed to encourage forward thought and action. The words we say to ourselves truly have power, especially when they are written. It is the bridge between thought (where it begins) and action (where the magic happens).

think write do

There are two types of writing exercises in the course. The first is a journal following my three-section design: past/pain, present/problem-solving and future/hope. You are provided a prompt for each section that helps you purge the negative emotions, process your thoughts and leaves you excited about the potential. The second type of exercise is in the form of an unsent letter. You are provided with a prompt and the addressee for each one. It’s amazing how powerful it feels to express your thoughts to those that harmed you – even if the draft remains unsent.

Don’t worry if you’re not a writer. These are personal exercises and the benefit is in the doing, not in the craftsmanship.

Do I have to commit to a certain schedule or sequence?

This is the beauty of a digital coaching course – you complete what you want, when you want. Although the modules do build upon each other to some extent, they are completely autonomous and can be completed in any order.

How long does it take to complete the course?

To fully complete the course and participate in all of the exercises, it will take a minimum of a few months if you work at it consistently. Or, if you prefer, you can participate as the need arises. Again, the course is self-paced and personalizable to your needs.

Can you tell me more about the platform? Is it secure? Can I use it on my phone or tablet?

The course is available on Udemy, a well-known and well-respected teaching and learning platform. You can access the program at any time on your computer via your browser or through a free app on your phone or tablet.

Does my access ever expire?

Nope! You have unlimited access whenever you want!

I’m doing the program and I have a question. Is there support available?

Sure! You can either start a discussion on the course site if you want the input of the community or you can email me if you want my support.

You’ve put your life on hold long enough.

Start living today!

Why settle for good when you can be even better?

start now board

18 Steps to Financial Independence During and After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
financial independence

It is not uncommon for divorce to initiate a financial crisis. The process itself is expensive. There are real and often high costs associated with splitting a life and creating two households. Health expenses may increase along with your (and possibly your children’s) stress levels. And that’s all assuming that your ex didn’t play dirty with money (as mine most certainly did).

Now that I’m on the other side of my own financial crisis initiated by financial infidelity and exacerbated by the legal process, I thought I’d share with you the specific steps and strategies that worked for me. Some may be pretty common sense, but others may be new to you. Please keep in mind that I am not a legal or financial expert and that the laws vary from state to state. Use these as a starting point as you take the steps back to your own financial independence.

Play By the Rules

This is not always easy to do, especially if your ex is determined to ignore or break every law out there. But it’s important. If you get caught violating the financial guidelines that are set by your state during separation and legal proceedings, you will only serve to compound your problems.

That being said, take the time to learn what is not allowed so that you can manipulate what is permissible. For example, I was not allowed to close any accounts or remove his name from accounts (Including as beneficiary; I was so afraid I would die during the process and he would end up with my retirement and life insurance. Ugh.) However, I was allowed to open up new accounts as long as I did not attempt to hide them (the funds were still considered “marital property,” he just didn’t have direct access). So I immediately opened up new checking and savings accounts and made sure my directly deposited paycheck went directly to me.

Accept Help (If It’s Available)

This is not a time for pride. If you are lucky enough to have friends or family that are able and offer to help, accept it. If you qualify for reduced fee attorney support, take it. If you can locate a counselor that operates on a sliding scale, be honest about your ability to pay. And when a friend offers to take you to lunch or out for drinks, just say “thank you” and worry about evening the score later.

Consider bartering for expenses such as babysitting or car repair. Reach out to your network and explore the opportunities. Be open, honest and creative. You may be surprised at where you’ll find help.

Create An Evolving Budget

Obviously, your budget is now different from when you were living as a married couple. And it will continue to change as the divorce process proceeds. Start your new budget by identifying your more permanent requirements: housing, food, childcare, etc. Then, add in your temporary necessities: attorney and court fees, mediation expenses, counseling, etc. Next, consider areas that may not be a requirement, but that carry great value for you, such as monies set aside to redecorate your space to make it feel safe and inviting.

7 Areas to Downsize During Divorce

Revisit the budget frequently in the beginning (at least every couple months). As some of the temporary expenses come and go, it’s important to keep an eye on the big picture and a handle on where the money is going.

Prioritize Free and Cheap Self-Care

It’s easy for anyone, but especially parents, to neglect their health and well-being during divorce. Self-care, particularly during a stressful transition, is critical. You can’t take care of your children if you don’t take care of yourself.

Look up yoga and exercise videos on YouTube. Explore your local parks. Get to know the vendors at the farmer’s market and learn about specials. Find a free meditation class in your city. Check out music and movies for free through your library and cancel the Netflix subscription. Check out Meetup.com for free and inexpensive outings and activities.

Plan For Indulgences

Too much of a sacrificial mindset often backfires (learn how). To counteract that, carefully plan for meaningful indulgences. When money is limited, make sure you invest in the ones that provide the most value for you in that moment. And be aware that these may change over time.

In the first few months, I treated myself to a massage every two months. The non-sexual touch was healing and calming for my frazzled body and mind. Later, I invested in an annual pass for the local botanical gardens, a temporary replacement for my own plants that were left behind in my old life. I always made sure to have a small, regular smile on the horizon to remind me that the situation was temporary.

Adjust Accounts As Needed

Once the divorce is final, you will probably receive the green light to make changes to any accounts that remain in your possession. Revisit beneficiary designations on insurance and retirement accounts. And then verify that requested changes are made (It took the company that holds my smaller retirement account 2 years to finally process the removal of my ex!). Take your decree to the tag office to have your car title transferred into your name. Divorce is a qualifying event for health insurance and decide if you need to remove your ex from your policy. Look at your auto insurance policy and make any needed adjustments.

If your name is changing, make sure to update it on critical documents – driver’s license, passport, etc. Be aware that a discrepancy in name can be a hassle (I’m looking at you, PayPal) and it’s helpful to change it all at once.

10 Struggles Anyone Who Has Been Divorced Will Understand

Create Income

Whether you have always maintained a career or you were a stay-at-home parent, after the legal process is finished is a great time to explore added sources of income. Start by looking to see if there are items from your married life that you wish to sell. There’s nothing like the satisfaction of unloading a cheating ex’s jewelry and walking away with cash:)

Consider if you have any skills or knowledge that can create a passive income stream for you. Don’t worry if it’s just a trickle at first. Every little bit helps you get back on your feet.

Strive For Independence

Perhaps you were awarded alimony or child support from your ex. Or, he or she is expected to pay a certain amount towards attorney fees or to help you get started on your own. And maybe you’ll see all of those payments.

But maybe you won’t.

Child support is the one area where the law is really on your side. But even then, you cannot depend upon the money. Especially when the courts end up locking up a parent for non-payment, thus giving them no way to earn the money in arrears. And outside of child support (and in some states, alimony), you are often on your own dime to try to force payments.

So strive to find financial footing that is separate from your ex. It may not always be possible, but it’s a good goal to have.

Counteract Anger and Fear

Money is never just about money. You may find your anger flare as you face bills and hardships that feel unfair and unplanned for. You may face sleepless nights as you worry about dwindling checking accounts and ever-growing debts.

Temper your anger with gratitude. I kept a gratitude list by my computer and I added one element to it every time I had to pay a bill resulting from his debt. It was a good reminder that the financial infidelity may have been awful, but that my present life was not.

Tame your fears with mindfulness. We often worry ourselves into a rut, one “worst thing possible” following the next. If your money fears are taking over, check out my coaching course on how to thrive after divorce; I give many strategies for working with fear and anxiety. And remember, self-care is critical!

Know Your Taxes

Even if you’re used to doing your own taxes, you may want to call in the professionals for a couple years until everything is straightened out. The rules about who gets what deductions and who claims what income can get muddled. And that’s on top of a system that is already confusing.

If you were the victim of financial infidelity (AKA marital fraud) or otherwise were unaware of what had been filed and monies are owed, you may qualify for Innocent Spouse Relief. You can read more about the program and its requirements here.

Understand Your Student Loan Options

If you currently have student loan debt and you are having trouble paying your bills, look into your options. I was pleasantly surprised when I contacted my provider. They didn’t make me feel ashamed for my situation (unlike all of the other accounts I had to deal with) and they gave me several options to choose from.

Student loan debt isn’t something to mess with; the consequences for non-payment can be severe. For example, in Georgia, teachers face losing their certification if they are in default on their student loans. So know your options and make sure you stay current with your choice.

Face Your Credit Score

Divorce can do a number on your credit. As in, make the number much, much smaller seemingly overnight.

I have to admit, this is one I didn’t do so well on myself for a few years. In the very beginning, I simply couldn’t stomach it at all. I had my dad scan the reports and, keeping the actual numbers from me, verify what accounts were reported. And then I swiftly inserted my head in the sand for the next few years as I worked to improve the score. Here’s what happened when I finally looked at it.

I strongly suggest using the app Credit Karma to keep up with your credit score. It’s free and easy. And, in those days when simply peeking at the number could cause my blood pressure to rise, I found its friendly layout and welcoming colors calming.

Actively Build Your Credit

So now you know where you stand. That’s a good start.

Now, work to improve your standing. The basic credit-building advice follows here – Pay your bills on time. When you can, open a new credit card if (and this is the critical part!) you can make sure you pay it off every month. Also watch the balance even if you do pay it off. If it’s too high at the time it’s reported, it will lower your rating. Make sure that accounts are reported correctly and marked closed as you fulfill your obligations. And watch with bated breath for the magic 7-year mark when old negative marks are wiped away.

Consider Bankruptcy

I hated even letting that word into my vocabulary, but once I met with the bankruptcy attorney and discussed the options and consequences, I felt better. I ended up electing not to go this route after deciding that it was not best for me. But I was glad that I had at least considered it and explored the options.

If your debts are overwhelming you, take the time to learn the bankruptcy laws in your state. Gather the knowledge, consider your choices and then do what’s best for you.

Reevaluate Your Retirement

Many couples piece together their retirement in a yin and yang fashion, some accounts bringing more stability and others more risky, but with a higher potential yield. In divorce, you are definitely left with less retirement monies and you may also be left with an unbalanced plan.

Once the initial emotional and financial dust settles, examine your current retirement and make changes as needed. Obviously, the closer you are to retirement, the more important this is. Especially if it extends your plans for full-time employment (If you’re in this position, I am so sorry. It’s one of the hardest parts of “grey divorce.”).

Keep Your Divorce Decree Handy

No, really. You’re going to need it. Whether it’s for changing your name on the account, eliminating your ex’s name from a title or providing some ammunition when you try to secure a loan, that expensive packet of paper is indispensable. Also, be forewarned that many organizations require the original document with the court clerk’s seal. I suggest purchasing an extra copy while you’re at the courthouse just in case your original doesn’t make it back in the mail as promised (I had to send my original in to have my passport changed).

Make (and Celebrate Reaching) Small Goals

Rebuilding your credit and securing your financial independence takes time. It’s a big (and daunting) goal. So break it into smaller goals. Even as small as paying your phone bill on time each month.

And then celebrate those small successes. It’s amazing how much ground baby steps can cover as long as you keep moving!

10 Ways Divorce Makes You Better Than Before

Be Patient

It is going to take time. Don’t let it take over your life or your happiness in the meantime.

After all, in the end, it’s just money.

And your life (and the lives of your children), is priceless.

How to End a Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b
end a marriage

How to end a marriage…

The end of a relationship is excruciating whether you are initiating the breakup or you are on the receiving end of the news. Those who are in the position of being the one to announce the end face the additional pressures of being secure in their decision and they shoulder the stress of deciding how and when to end it.

This flowchart gives you a guideline for how to end a relationship. Obviously, not all possibilities are included, but it can serve as a framework for your own situation.

how to end a relationshipA – Use Your Words (How to Have the Difficult Conversations)

B – Should You Divorce? 12 Questions to Consider

C – How to Save a Marriage in Ten Steps

Notice what is absent from this chart – ghosting, abandonment, manipulation and withdrawal. Remember you once loved this person. No matter the circumstances, there is no reason to be cruel.

 

12 Reasons to Journal After Your Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
journal

I’m a big believer in filling your virtual self-care toolbox with as many strategies as possible. Different situations call for different approaches and some situations call for pulling out every trick and technique available.

Divorce is often one of those situations that calls for utilizing every conceivable tool: counseling, medication, exercise, supportive structure and people, mindfulness, intentional socialization, support groups, good nutrition, sleep.

And journaling.

I find that journaling is often misunderstood, seen as a self-indulgent activity that fosters wallowing in misery or perceived as an activity that requires a certain aptitude for writing or reflection.

But those misconceptions could not be further from the truth. Journaling is perhaps the single most powerful tool that you can use to resolve negative feelings that arise from divorce while fostering attitudes and perspectives that will serve to amplify your happiness and well-being.

Not convinced yet? Here are twelve reasons you should add journaling to your post-divorce toolbox:

Letting It Out Is the First Step Of Letting It Go

Divorce often hits like a truck. A truck that’s towing a whole trailer full of negativity – anger, fear, sadness, shame, guilt. And it’s easy to take the position of denial; turning away from those feelings and shoving them down. But that approach only works for so long. Because the only way to release those feelings is to first face those feelings.

A journal is a safe place to purge those intense emotions. It will not judge you or shame you. The page will absorb your tears and accept the pressure of your angry hand. One of the early benefits of journaling is found in the release. Just by letting it out, you’ll find that you’re a little closer to letting it go.

With Each Exposure, the Pain Becomes a Little Less

The more we do something, the easier it becomes. And that’s as true for working through painful emotions as it is for learning to play the piano. Journaling is great for repetition. You’ll likely find that you naturally revisit certain topics or themes that are particularly difficult or distressing for you. With each go-round, the emotions involved become a little less piercing and a little less scary. You’re teaching your brain that you’re strong enough to face it and tough enough to move past it.

 

Your Journal Will Never Judge You

There is so much blame and shame associated with divorce. It’s often perceived as occurring because of some character deficit and those of us in the trenches are often showered with “shoulds” and assumptions, especially when it comes to getting over it. And being the recipient of society’s rotten tomatoes wears thin.

It’s easy to turn the judgment inward, feeling broken or defective because the process is taking longer than imagined or because the bad moments still arise. And judgment is contrary to healing. Your journal will never shame you for missing the ex that mistreated you. Your journal won’t tell you that you should be over it and reentering the dating scene already.

Your journal will simply listen as you say what you need to say. Not what others want to hear.

Exploring All Sides Provides Perspective

When you write about a situation, you naturally circle around the topic, exploring different ideas and possibilities while challenging assumptions. This investigative quality helps to introduce some rationality into the hotbed of emotion while providing some distance from the pain. In time, journaling through divorce helps you to see the picture bigger and decide how you want this chapter to fit within your life’s story.

The Act of Writing Facilitates Processing

It’s so easy to become stuck during divorce, negative thoughts circling around each other like a rabid dog chasing its tail. If applied correctly (see description at the end of this post), journaling discourages rumination and aids in the processing of emotions and situations. It is possible to process without journaling, but seeing your thoughts and goals in writing is extremely powerful and encourages a more rapid and thorough healing.

A Record of Your Feelings Allows You to See Your Progress

Healing after divorce is often slower than we would wish and certainly much less linear than we would like. When you only consider how you feel from moment to moment or day to day, it’s difficult to see your progress and it’s easy to become frustrated and defeated.

A journal provides a record of your progress. It allows you to turn back to your early entries and compare them to your current thoughts. And this juxtaposition is often encouraging, as you realize just how far you’ve come.

Seeing Your Problems Encourages Finding Solutions

Journaling serves as a brainstorming activity. When you explore your problems without concern of censorship or judgment, you often arrive at solutions that were elusive before. Additionally, journaling helps you to become aware of cause and effect patterns in your life. And once you recognize the connection, you can alter the pathways.

Journaling is Accessible

Many tools to help at the end of a marriage are expensive in time and.or money. Journaling is a welcome exception. At the very least, journaling requires no more than a pen and a notebook. Those couple dollars and the commitment of a few minutes a day can literally change your life. There’s literally no excuse.

Writing Your Thoughts Reconnects You With Your Intuition

For many of us, divorce causes us to doubt ourselves and our own perceptions and conclusions. Perhaps you were played for a fool by a cheating spouse or discovered that the marriage you had was far from the one you thought you had. Journaling encourages you to listen to your inner voice. To respect your intuition and trust your gut. It is a powerful way to reconnect with your core self and while teasing out the noise that comes from outside.

Journaling Fills the Void and Encourages Healthy Coping

There will be moments when you’re in crisis. When the tears threaten to drown you and the anger threatens to ignite. It’s easy to turn towards unhealthy coping strategies – alcohol, drugs, isolation, excessive sexual escapades, etc. But if you’ve developed a habit of writing, your journal can become your refuge, your sanctuary in the storm.

Rewriting Your Story Gives You Opportunity

You’ve already created a narrative around your divorce even if you’re not aware of it. Journaling is an opportunity to be intentional in the story that surrounds your divorce. It allows you to rewrite the situation, thereby changing your assumptions about it. The words you say to yourself have power. Use them wisely.

story

Journaling is Empowering

Finally, there is nothing like the feeling of picking yourself up by your own bootstraps. Journaling is a process done for you, by you. And when that effort results in reduced pain and increased happiness? Well, that feels pretty darn amazing!

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What does journaling look like?

Journaling can take many forms – public blog or private diary, handwritten or digital, one sentence or long-form, daily or as-needed. Play around with the options and see what works for you.

My personal favorite form is one I developed during my own divorce. It consists of three sections – past/pain, present/problem-solving and future/hope. Read more about this structure here. I find that this format provides a balanced blend of purging the negative emotions, processing the situation and documenting the areas of gratitude and hope.

Need help getting started?

In my complete and self-paced Thriving After Divorce course, I provide 84 different journal prompts in the three-section structure described above that are specifically designed to help you move through divorce. Along with the prompts, you will receive inspiration as well as a multitude of ideas that you can add to your personal post-divorce toolbox. You’ve put your life on hold long enough. Start living today!