stilllearning2b

Static Cling

Posted on October 4, 2012March 6, 2024 by stilllearning2b

Vintage Ad #865: Honey, where'd you hide my ot... — Vintage Ad #865: Honey, where’d you hide my other sock? (Photo credit: jbcurio)

I came across this article today (Cling Less, Love More) on Psychology Today and found myself startled with realization. I never would have described myself as clingy with my ex – I was independent (often too much so), not jealous, and was frequently apart from him for long periods while he traveled. Then I read this article. The author talks about the tension inherent in clinging and the motivations behind it in a way that echoed familiar. With clinging, you are desperately attached to an outcome, grasping out of fear. Yeah, I get that one. I was clinging in a way and it was holding me still, static, unable to move.

The author contrasts clinging with healthy desires and passions which encourage investment in the now and the goal, but not in the outcomes that are out of our control. I realize that this describes my current relationship. I am so much more relaxed about the “outcome.” I know that this shift is mainly from facing a tsunami and living to tell the tale. Facing your fears has a way of diminishing them. I am no less committed to the current relationship, no less in love. But it feels different. I’m not grasping. I’m holding.

I now have a new perspective and new words for a lesson I have been learning and sharing. I love it when that happens 🙂

Life’s Odometer

Posted on October 2, 2012March 6, 2024 by stilllearning2b

I received the text just months shy of our tenth anniversary. The divorce process being what it is, the marriage persisted after the ten year mark. The wedding was never the year we marked, however. We always added six to go back to when we started dating. So, by the time it was over, we had been together for sixteen years. That was half of my life.

It felt like my life odometer had been abruptly and violently forced back to 000000. It was painful, but it was also frustrating. It felt like those were miles wasted on a pointless journey that was aborted before its intended destination. The consistent rolling of the numbers indicating the length of the relationship felt purposeful. They spoke to where we had been and where we were going to go.

When my boyfriend and I reached the six month mark (an important period that frequently delineates casual dating from more serious partnerships), he commented on how long we had been together. I remember scoffing internally. Six months was nothing. I had been with my ex thirty two times that! I didn’t get it yet.

Then, one year came, again commented upon by my boyfriend. I still didn’t get it. I can be a slow learner at times.

It wasn’t until two years when I finally understood. First, due to the magic of ratios, it was now only 1/8 of the time that I spent with my ex. But, more importantly, I viewed my entire life odometer differently. I had been viewing it as the primary and permanent wheel in the center of my console, quietly ticking away through the journeys of my life. I saw the divorce as an assault on the dial, overriding the system.

Then I realized that life is rarely that linear. Our lives are perhaps better marked with trip odometers that are reset to mark the beginning of a new journey. These parallel journeys should not be quantified; the distance is not what adds to the quality. Rather, each trip should be accepted for what it is with the understanding that the odometer can be reset if needed.

I now don’t worry about sixteen years. I don’t compare times together, creating ever-improving ratios. Now, I just roll down the windows and enjoy the ride 🙂

Spirit

Posted on October 2, 2012 by stilllearning2b

How to Recover from a Broken Heart

Posted on October 2, 2012May 20, 2013 by stilllearning2b

This post on MindBodyGreen goes beyond the usual platitudes to give true insight into the healing process from the end of a relationship. Out of the tips provided, the one that took me the longest to realize was that, regardless of appearances, the pain of a break-up goes both ways. Once I was able to understand that he was in pain as well, I was able to take the first tentative steps towards forgiveness. For those of you still stinging from the pain, I hope that this post brings you some insight and some hope.

How to Recover from a Broken Heart.