Goal Post

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The previous post reminded me of my goal sheet that I typed just a few weeks after my ex left.  I went looking for it, and found it in my folder labeled, “July disasster.”  When I wrote these goals, I was still mired in the yuck of the day to day, but I wanted to put my dreams out there.  I posted this list above the folding card table in my friend’s bonus room that was to be my office for the next year.  It kept me focused on the future and the gifts in my present on those days when I felt like giving up.  The list now makes me smile.  It shows me how far I have come and reminds me of where I was.

There are two items on the list that remain unchecked. The first, complete a book, was a bit ambitious for a year (or even three), but it is an ongoing project.  The other, volunteer at an animal rescue organization was chosen because of my gratitude towards those who helped to find homes for my dogs.  I don’t feel strong enough yet to face this one, but I will.

Some of the other goals seem so minimal in retrospect.  Go on a date – I went on 7-8 dates a week for a few months (months I dubbed, “Match Madness”).  Or, learn to cook one gluten-free meal – I now do that multiple times a week and am a recipe resource for others.

Some of the goals make me thankful for where I am and why I am here.  I was originally going to move to the NW; I could not imagine a life in the same town where I had spent my married years.  Just months before I was going to leave, I met my now boyfriend.  There was enough potential there that I decided to commit to staying in the area for a year (once I found a job) to see how things progressed.  It has now been two years, and I couldn’t be happier.

Other goals have been incorporated into my current life.  I still set goals to run races (I’ve just raised the bar a bit), I still intentionally seek out new friends, I continue to find ways to act of character, and I still make sure to take weekend trips.  The last goal has become my favorite: find a way to laugh each and every day.

I no longer have goals posted above my desk.  I have internalized them, using them as a daily reminder to be thankful and hopeful.

Wayne Dyer: Don’t Dwell on the Past

Posted on by stilllearning2b

What a simple, yet elegant way to view past relationships.  I know that I see my life as divided into 3 acts as of now: childhood, the 16 years with my ex, and post-divorce.  While some characters have remained constant throughout the play, others have exited stage right once their part in the story was done. They have their mark and helped to shape the story, but they do not need to occupy space on the stage anymore; they are relegated to the shadows of the wings.  Remember that the curtains may close briefly between acts, but they do not remain closed until the final call.  Just because there is a shift in the action and a change of characters, does not mean the story is over.  Do not be afraid to open the curtains to the next act of your life.

Wayne Dyer: Don’t Dwell on the Past.

Stage curtains

Taming the Monkey Mind: Total Immersion

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I woke up at 2:30 this morning, unable to go back to sleep.  I do that sometimes.

I moved to the couch in my office, picked up my computer, and promptly began to research yoga and meditation retreats. You know, as one does in the middle of the night when slumber is elusive.

I feel like I have done pretty well taming my monkey mind, but I would love to test the premise of total immersion in the context of mindfulness.  I think that my monkey would do well surrounded by tamed neural simians and trained synaptic handlers.  I am drawn to the thought of spending a few days or even a week focusing only on my monkey’s well-being, far away from all the distractions that tend to catch his eye (yes, my monkey-mind is a him; I’m not sure why). Much like Cesar Millan uses his pack to train other dogs, I want to use tamed monkeys to guide my own.

I have done something similar once before.  In the fall after July Disasster, I spent a long weekend at the Mandala Wellness Center for yoga, meditation, and therapy as a solo retreat.  It was there that I found my breath again.  It was there that I moved back into my body.

I am looking for something different now.  I no longer need a personal retreat and I do not require the presence and attention of a therapist.  Instead, this time I want to be in the presence of others who are on a similar journey.  I want to share in the experience. I am no longer looking for healing, rather I am looking to make the good better.

There are many options nearby, but I cannot justify the price.  Options overseas are cheaper, but the airfare is cost prohibitive.  It seems as though the ready made options are out, but I am not giving up.  I am going to see if I can cobble together my own total immersion experience on a budget.  Without sleeping in my car outside an urban yoga studio, that is.

If anyone has any suggestions or knows of any wallet-friendly retreats, please let me or my monkey know:)

 

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I’ve Buried the Hatchet, but I’ve Marked its Location

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Making a hatchet sheath, step 2: flip the hatc...

Forgiveness is such a loaded word.

It requires an acceptance of someone’s actions.  Actions that may be horrific, born from unknown motivations.

Forgiveness was on my mind soon after I received the text that ended my marriage.  According to the platitudes I had always heard, I needed to forgive him.  It was the right thing to do.

It was an unfathomable thing to do.  I viewed forgiveness as a selfless act, and I had a self that was way too hurt to pardon its executioner.  I couldn’t begin to even understand what he did, much less WHY he did.  And, now, I was supposed to exonerate him for those same things?  It just seemed like one more way that he would be getting away with his choices and actions.  I refused to endorse his behavior with my stamp of approval.

Time passed.  He remained unforgiven.  I thought I could attend to my anger without addressing that little matter of absolution.  I was wrong.  I held on to an ember of hate, fueled by my refusal to accept his choices.

I grew to see forgiveness in a different light.  It was actually a selfish act for me.  After all, I do not expect to ever have any contact with him again.  He will never know if I am his pardoner or if I hunt for vengeance.  I forgave him for me.  It helped to extinguish the fire of anger.  It brought peace to my days and kept him out of my dreams at night.

In order to find forgiveness, I had to shift my view of him.  I had to see him as sick, confused, desperate.  I do not know how true any or all of those labels are, but they are true to me, as they helped me to feel compassion for him.  They let me accept that my greatest love sought to destroy me, regardless of intent.  I cling to those labels when I feel the anger spark.  I cover the ember with thoughts of mental illness and a frantic push to survive. I chose to see him as weak and frightened, acting in his own twisted version of self defense, rather than as some evil puppetmaster, cruelly controlling my life.

I do not endorse his choices.  Regardless of his mental state, he lied and manipulated for years, he committed bigamy and fraud, and he ran and hid like a frightened coward.  I still believe that he belongs in prison for his actions.  I still would feel no sadness if I heard of his demise.  I have simply found a way let go in my mind so that I could find peace.

I have forgiven him, but I will never forget the pain.  I’ve buried the hatchet, but I’ve marked its location.

Gear Check

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I had some shopping to do yesterday.  I had credits and coupons for Sports Authority and REI and I intended to put them to good use in preparation of upcoming adventures.

The sporting goods store was the first on my list.  I have signed up for my first marathon in November and I had two items in mind to help me prepare.  First, I needed a new pair of shoes.  I have been loyal to Mizuno Waveriders since I first started running almost 5 years ago (yiks!  has it really been so long?).  I usually stock up on the retiring model through online retailers as they are clearing inventory to make room for the newest model.  I have never had trouble with this strategy until now.  Apparently, they redesigned the toebox (or my toes have grown?) because the shoes now cause my toes and forefeet to go numb on long runs regardless of the lacing.  Obviously, that is a serious liability in a pair of shoes that will have have to make it 26.2 miles (which BTW is about 4 times the distance of the height of an average airliner).  Now, I know I have waxed poetically about my Vibrams, but they are just a too minimal for that much use.  I found a happy medium between the two: Saucony Kinvara.  It was love at first step.  I’ve done about 10 miles in them already and I love the combination of squish and weightless flexibility.  Can you tell which shoes are the new ones?

evolution of the shoe

I also needed to pick up a new running shirt.  I have a thin compression heatware Underarmor shirt that has seen me though all of my warm weather races.  I love that shirt; it has served me well.  Its light grey fabric is stained from the Georgia red clay that coats me in adventure races (I call that orange sheen my “red badge of courage”) and has holes all along the front from the pins that affix my race numbers.  Brightroom Photography can probably recognize me by that shirt alone.  The shirt has one shortcoming for this race; however, it is too short and rides above my water belt.  This is also the case with all my other warm weather shirts.  As a result, when I need to carry water in the summer, I tend to end up with a permanent abrasion around my hips from the rubbing of the belt.  Not really the best look for bikini season.  So, I picked up an ultralight tank that is long enough to stay under the belt.  Now if I could just figure out a way to carry water that doesn’t make me feel like I’m waddling with saline implants on my hips…

 

After an afternoon run (come on now, you didn’t think I would be patient to check out the new gear, did you?), I proceeded on to REI to see what I could find for my Italy trip.  Yeah, that’s right.  The trip scheduled for summer 2013.  What? Too soon?  I told you I was a planner.  Besides, my mom was starting to get a head start on acquiring needed items for the trip and I can’t let that happen now, can I?  I do have a semi-reasonable justification if it will make you feel better:  I can test the items in the heat of this summer to make sure that they are worthy of a transcontinental journey.  There, better now?

So, I decided to get this perfect travel skirt.  It’s long enough to meet Italy’s modesty requirements (especially needed with all of the museums and cathedrals I know we will be visiting), yet is made of high tech fabric that will dry quickly.

I also fell in love with a pair of Jambu shoes that seemed perfect for navigating the uneven walkways of Italy, but couldn’t stomach the $100 price tag.  Which leads to the final leg of the shopping trip…

When I got back home, I logged on to Sierra Trading Post and promptly located the same shoes for $40 after a variety of discounts.  I also tossed in a pair of shorts, another skirt, and two tops. All this begs the question:

Is it too early to pack?

 

 

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