How Could They Move On So Quickly?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
move on ex

My ex-husband certainly wasted no time. He didn’t even bother filing for divorce before he married his second (I’m assuming here; there could have been others) wife.

Among all of the myriad thoughts that crashed around my mind in the aftermath of the discovery, one kept popping back up to the surface,

“How could he move on so quickly?”

I just couldn’t understand how he could go from sixteen years with the same person to seemingly head-over-heels within weeks of meeting this new woman. Here he was celebrating his newfound love while I was still struggling to sleep through the night.

Of course, it was apples to oranges trying to equate my mental state at the time with his. For so many reasons, we were at different places when it came to our readiness for moving on.

The following are some of the reasons that your ex may have moved on (or appeared to move on) soon after your breakup:

 

They have pre-grieved the breakup.

In some situations, one person has known (or at least suspected) that the relationship is over long before it is pronounced terminal. In these cases, the one with the prior knowledge often begins grieving the end of the relationship months or even years before it is truly over. They may begin to withdraw, they might start to expand their social circle and hobbies to fill anticipated gaps and they have time to process the loss. They will be ready to move on before you are because they have been attending to the breakup for a longer period of time.

 

They want you to think they’ve moved on.

Sometimes moving on is an illusion, a play put on social media or spread through mutual acquaintances in an attempt to make you jealous or regretful. The urge is understandable, although childlike. It can be driven by a, “I’ll show them that I am desirable” attitude. Others try to appear moved on soon after the end of the relationship because they don’t want to be seen as “weak” by appearing affected by the breakup. These people are motivated by a need to be seen as strong.

 

They are afraid of being alone.

Some people hop from relationship to relationship like life is a rocky river crossing. They cannot stomach the thought of being alone and so they waste no time in lining up the next partner as soon as a relationship implodes. This is less “moving on” and more “grasping on;” they’ll hold onto anyone like a life raft. Learn more about the underlying issues that lead to a fear of being alone.

 

They are able to compartmentalize your relationship and the new one.

For many us, we cannot enter into a new relationship before we have fully dissected and processed the previous one. Others are able to keep those two processes more separate. It may be that your ex seems to be moving quickly because they are doing the often- invisible internal work concurrent with reentry to the dating scene.

 

They are using dating as a distraction.

Let’s face it, divorce sucks. And while you’re going through it, you’d rather think about anything else. For some, this distraction comes in the form of dating. Although this can look like they’re moved on, they’re are really using others as a bandaid to temporarily stop the pain. Early dating can also be motivated by the blow to confidence that often accompanies divorce; it’s good to feel wanted.

 

They started seeing this person before your relationship ended.

If your ex seems to have moved on quickly, it may be that they were having an affair during your relationship and now that your partnership has ended, the love interest is brought to the surface. Of course, this revelation brings with it it’s own set of problems. Betrayal is a uniquely piercing pain with long-ranging repercussions.

 

They met somebody who is a good fit for them at this point in their lives.

And here’s the hard one – maybe they have met somebody that is a good match for them. I know that can be difficult to stomach when you still might be wishing/hoping/believing that you’re that person. It’s important here to remember that not being the right person for them does not mean that you’re a bad person and it certainly does not mean that you’re not the right person for someone else. It simply means that your ex found a better match for them and now you have an opportunity to look for somebody better for you.

 

 

In my ex’s case, he knew that the end was approaching and so had time to process the divorce long before it happened. He was having affairs and so his other wife was lined up and ready to go. And, from what I learned, she was a good fit for him at the time – trusting, nomadic and in possession of a decent credit score.

In time, I no longer questioned how he could move on so quickly. Instead, I got busy with moving on myself with a sense of gratitude that she helped to take him out of my life and far away.

 

How to Ease the Torment of Infidelity

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Finding out that your partner has cheated is a special kind of hell. From the incessant questions that plague your uneasy mind to the sense of rejection and unworthiness, an affair causes pain like no other.

It was only later, once I had gained some perspective on that period in my own life, when I realized that I was unintentionally doing some things that made my torment even worse.

Could you be doing the same and not even realize it?

One of most common side effects of being betrayed is an obsessive drive. This can take the form of wanting to hear every little detail about the affair or the affair partner. It can manifest as a relentless need to analyze the marriage and cheating spouse. Perhaps it takes the form of a fanatical attempt to perform CPR on a struggling marriage.

Regardless of the form, these compulsive thoughts and actions only serve to magnify the torment of infidelity. Fortunately, you do not have to allow these obsessive tendencies to take root and thrive. By making sense of why you’re responding that way, you can begin to find new ways to cope that don’t make you feel even more miserable.

Busyness

Infidelity is an ugly pain. And one we would rather not face. Often, the obsessions act as a distraction from the true issues at hand. This is often the case when the betrayed spouse becomes a self-appointed private investigator tasked with finding out every little detail about the affair partner.

This need for knowledge is driven less by necessity and more by a fear of looking at the cheating spouse and the troubled marriage. The problem is that when we try too hard to avoid something, we unwittingly give it too much power over us. Busyness may keep you from exploring the pain head-on, but it also prolongs the pain as its presence is always felt.

Slow down. Allow yourself to feel. Breathe and trust that you’ll be able to handle whatever emotions come your way.

Control

 

Being cheated on is like discovering that you’ve been a blindfolded passenger in a runaway train. And a common reaction to this discovery is an intense need to control everything. This relentless drive can manifest in a variety of ways, from an obsession with a new diet or exercise program to an overwhelming urge to know every detail about your spouse’s location and actions.

There is some comfort felt initially by exerting this control. It makes the world feel a little less scary and a little more predictable. Ultimately, however, this need for control becomes it own source of misery because control always has its limitations.

Rather than trying to keep the unknown from ever happening, strive to build your faith and confidence in yourself. You may not be able to stop it from occurring, but you can survive it.

Purpose

 

One of the cruelest aspects of infidelity is that the unfaithful spouse holds most of the power – they can decide if they want to end the affair or continue to pursue it, they can commit to working on the marriage or they can elect to keep hiding behind lies and misdirection.

And a sense of purpose helps to counteract the awful feeling of waiting. Purpose in life is important. It gives us a reason to keep going even when the going gets tough. It gives us a sense of the bigger picture and the connection between ourselves and others.

After an affair, purpose is often misappropriated. What feels important is really just noise and the all-consuming drive can overwhelm. Obsessive purpose often mutates, taking on a life of its own. And taking over your life with it.

Rather than making the affair and its components your focus, shift your purpose to yourself and your own wellbeing. Put your energy into making you better. That’s never a waste.

Understanding

 

I think every betrayed spouse utters the words, “How could you do this?” at least once. And the need to understand why and how can easily become a neurotic obsession. A belief that once that question is answered, everything will again make sense and moving on can begin to happen.

Yet the truth is that no explanation will ever suffice. There is no reason that will excuse the pain or the betrayal. And strangely enough, accepting this can lead to a place where you are able to view the entire marriage and affair with a more rational eye, which is where you can find some insight into the particular environment that allowed this betrayal to grow.

Understanding doesn’t happen when you aggressively demand it. It comes when you are ready to listen and accept with an open mind.

Release

Being betrayed is scary. It throws everything into doubt and makes you question your own perceptions and sanity. And all of that fear has energy. Energy that demands to be released.

Undirected, that energy will often find its way out through obsessive acts – refreshing your ex’s Facebook page in an attempt to find information about their new relationship, endless talking and thinking about the betrayal, or planning ways to spy on your repentant spouse.

Find healthier ways to release your energy. Move your body to free your mind.

There is no easy road back to happiness and trust after an affair. The pain is real, the impact significant. So be mindful that you’re not adding to your burden by tormenting yourself. You’ve got enough of that to deal with already.

 

8 Surefire Ways to Drive Yourself Crazy Trying to Get Someone to Change

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It seems so clear – if they would just change in that one small (or not-so-small) way, everything would be better. You’ve tried one tactic after another, convinced that the right strategy will be the key to unlocking their potential.

Yet each attempt falls flat.

We all do this to some extent, focusing on how somebody else could mold just a little better to our needs. And in the context of a relationship, it’s appropriate to communicate your needs and to ask your partner to try to meet them. Yet, we don’t always go about this in the most productive way.

The following are common strategies that we use to try to change others that often backfire:

1 – Wanting Them to Change

It’s amazing how easy it is to tell ourselves stories about other people’s desires and motivations. We can so easily confuse our desire for them to change with an interest in their part on engaging in transformation.

 

2 – Loving Them Harder

This is one you see so often with addicts as their loved ones try to give them everything in an attempt to out-love their compulsions. Yet even though love provides the security to anchor oneself in order to grow, love on its own does not create growth.

 

3 – Making Yourself Smaller

When the other person’s personality is strong or they have a tendency to respond in anger, it can be tempting to shrink in order to avoid prompting outrage. Yet no matter how carefully you tiptoe on those eggshells, you cannot prevent their reactions.

 

4 – Begging

Maybe they didn’t hear you the first time (or ten times). Or perhaps, they didn’t understand that this is important. What feels like reminding on your side can easily feel like nagging on theirs. And nobody responds well to that.

 

5 – Giving an Ultimatum

There’s an important distinction to be made here between ultimatums and boundaries. An ultimatum says, “If you don’t do x, I will do y.” An ultimatum is a threat to the other person.

In contrast, a boundary says, “x is important to me. Do you think you can help make that happen?” And then if the boundary is crossed, “x is important to me. I need to do y to protect that.” A boundary is keeping a promise to yourself.

 

6 – Comparing Them to Others

Comparison rarely inspires growth. Instead, it breeds insecurity and contempt. In order to change, a person needs to first feel accepted and safe. Comparison is the enemy of that.

 

7 – Shaming Them

Shame often has the opposite effect of what is intended. The teenager who is shamed by her parents for her excess weight sneaks extra snacks at school with an, “I’ll show them” attitude. Shame leads to the digging in of heels and secrecy, neither of which are good for any relationship.

 

8 – Tell Them They’re Wrong

Their view or approach is different than yours. That doesn’t automatically mean that it is wrong. An overly dismissive approach leads to a situation with a “winner” and a “loser.” Change happens when it’s approached as a problem for both to solve.

After the Affair: Unraveling the Excuses

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Once caught, most partners who have been unfaithful begin to make excuses in a rather lame attempt to justify their actions. In fact, these excuses often begin even before the affair is uncovered. These are the same justifications that they often recite to the affair partner, to friends and to themselves (often to the point where they’re weaving an alternate narrative that alleviates the discomfort caused by cognitive dissonance).

All of these excuses that a cheater offers up neglect one basic fact – an affair does not occur in a vacuum.

There are often months or years between the start of the infidelity and the discovery. And during that time, you may not know, but you know. At some level, you are picking up that something isn’t right. You may question, only to receive reassurance, leaving you confused that your observations are being dismissed. You may sense a withdrawal and try to pinpoint its root cause, feeling trapped in a labyrinth of denial.

Much like a cancer before diagnosis, the affair affects you even before you can name it.

And many of the excuses that the cheater offers up are using your response to the unknown affair as justification for their decision to stray. They may be correct in those two things being related, but they have confused the cause and effect.

 

Unraveling the Excuses

 

They say that you’re needy, yet they are the ones that make you insecure.

Sometimes the usual affection lags, leaving you wondering if they’re still attracted to you. Or, it may come in the form of critical comments about appearance or increased comments about someone else’s. Other times, it’s a turning – or even a pulling – away.

When you’re afraid of losing something, grasping is a natural (although ultimately ineffective) response. When we feel a disconnect from our partners, we seek reassurance that everything is okay.

 

They say you’re crazy, yet they are the ones who drove you there.

“I wasn’t texting anyone last night,” they claim, causing you to question what you saw. Gaslighting is a common strategy used by cheaters to cover their tracks. It’s a form of mental abuse that leaves you doubting yourself and questioning everything you see and hear.

When you are living one experience yet being told it’s something else, it causes disorientation not unlike that which occurs with the optical distortions in a funhouse. Of course you’re going to act a little crazy when nothing makes sense.

 

They say you don’t give them enough attention, yet they’re too distracted to notice.

“They made me feel appreciated,” the cheating spouse often whines (frequently following up with the addition of, “I just wanted to be happy.”). They describe how they feel ignored at home. Yet the other side of this equation is that even when they are home, their attention is elsewhere.

This falls into the “grass is greener” misconception. They think it’s better with the affair partner because that is where they are looking. Meanwhile, they could be the centerpiece of your life, but since their head is turned, they are blind to it.

 

They say you’re distant, yet they pushed you away.

Sometimes, they claim that you have been the withdrawn one. Yet they fail to consider the reason for your disconnection. When we’re feeling rejection, one of the common responses is to wall-off, building a protective barrier between yourself and the world in an attempt to avoid feeling the pain.

When there is an ongoing affair, you most likely are not feeling safe in the relationship, even before you can pinpoint the reason. Since your partner isn’t provided you with that sense of security, you seek to create it yourself. By yourself.

 

They say you don’t know them, yet they refuse to open up.

“They know me. I feel seen,” the cheating spouse says of the affair partner. Yet, they fail to recognize that they have been closed off with their spouse (even when begged to explain what is wrong) and transparent with the affair partner.

One of the strange things about marriage is that it can become difficult to be vulnerable with your partner because the stakes are so high. And it can be easier to open up to a relative stranger because there is less to lose. But it’s not fair to get mad an someone for not knowing you if you do not provide them the opportunity.

 

They say you’re snooping and questioning, yet they are the ones hiding things.

They snap at you when you ask where they’ve been when they come home late again. They become angry when you glance over at their phone screen when it lights up. They accuse you of being jealous, of snooping and of being in their business.

Even for those who do not tend towards snooping behavior, an unconfirmed suspicion of an affair can lead to those actions.

 

They say you’re critical, yet they are the ones not holding up their end.

We all only have so much energy. During an affair, that energy is turned away from the marriage. Inevitably, that means that there is neglect of the life and responsibilities within the marriage.

An affair is a selfish act, and those that engage in them are often caught off guard when there are consequences. If they’re acting like an entitled jerk at home, they will face criticism. Probably justified.

 

They say you’re no fun, yet they leave you with all of the responsibilities.

“You’re just no fun anymore,” they whine, thinking of the alternate universe they have with their affair partner that is separate from mortgages and orthodontist appointments.

Life means growing up. It means sometimes setting aside what feels good in the moment for longer term goals. And those that cheat are more likely to be immature and want others to do all the heavy lifting for them.

 

They say you’re angry, yet they make false promises that lead to dashed expectations.

Of course you’re angry. They keep promising to come home on time, to put the phone away, to spend quality time with the family. Yet it never seems to manifest.

As your hopes and expectations are dashed again and again, you grow frustrated. Why can’t they do what they promised? Sometimes, they begin to see you in a disapproving and controlling parental role, keeping them confined. Yet they conveniently forget that they stepped into that life and its responsibilities willingly.

 

They say we’re the bad guy, yet they need us to be the bad guy to justify their choices.

This is what it ultimately comes down to. They want to have the affair. And so they’ll do anything they can to justify their reasons for doing what they want.

They blame their choices on your behaviors. Yet they fail to recognize the impact their choices have on you.

10 Things I Don’t Trust After Being Cheated On … And 10 Things I Trust More

Posted on by stilllearning2b

10 Things I Don’t Trust After Being Cheated On

1 – I don’t trust people that are overly affectionate or complimentary; I assume there is a motive to their flattery.

2 – I don’t trust it when people are too eager to proclaim that they would “never hurt me” and that they “are not the type of person” to do that. I especially don’t trust it when they use the words, “Trust me.”

3 – I don’t trust that permitted and known access to a person’s technology, friends, etc. means that there is nothing to hide.

4 – I don’t trust people that demonstrate a lack of courage (note: that is profoundly different than a lack of fear.) They hide rather than face.

5- I don’t trust in the security of “affair-proof;” no relationship is immune under the right conditions.

6 – I don’t trust stories when too many details are provided without prompting.

7 – I don’t trust things that seem too good to be true.

8 – I don’t trust it when people say they’re okay.

9 – I don’t trust words that are not consistently supported by actions.

10 – I don’t trust people who won’t admit to mistakes; they too-easily rely on lies to hide their failures.

 

10 Things I Trust MORE After Being Cheated On

 

1 – I trust my gut. So far, it hasn’t lied.

2 – I trust that there are good people in the world. People that value honesty and loyalty.

3 – I trust in people that admit their shame. Those grow in the dark and whither once exposed.

4 – I trust in my strength to handle more than I thought I was capable of.

5 – I trust in the power of starting over.

6 – I trust those that reveal their fears and then refuse to be limited by them.

7 – I trust that I am not reliant upon anyone else to make me happy.

8 – I trust in the potency of gratitude to shift the way I look at things.

9 – I trust in my worth and that it is by no means defined by how others have chosen to treat me.

10 – I trust myself enough to be open to the potential of being hurt again.