How to Create a Divorce Care Package

Posted on by stilllearning2b
divorce care package

So you just found out that your friend or family member is getting divorced. After the initial shock and disbelief fades and you’ve gathered and digested the salient facts, you’re left with a deep desire to help. To at least soothe the pain since you cannot make it all go away. And much like kids at their first sleep-away camp, teenagers during their first semester at college or soldiers on their first deployment, people in the early stages of divorce are homesick, lonely and often scared.

And a small collection of tailor-picked items can go a long way to making them feel loved and supported.

Here’s your cheat sheet for assembling a divorce care package that any newly single person would be grateful to receive:

Something to Comfort

One of the first purchases I made for myself was a super-soft extra-fuzzy blanket. I used to cocoon myself in it at night when I cried. It was essentially the adult equivalent of a teddy bear. Think about your loved one. Do they tend to seek out a certain food when upset? Or are they more tactile and would prefer something soft against the skin? Maybe they slip the headphones on and disappear into a world of music. Whatever their preferred modality, something that provides a portable on-demand hug goes a long way during divorce.

Something to Distract

Divorce has plenty of ongoing bad days. And sometimes you just want to forget about the lawyers and the negotiations and focus on another world for a time. If your friend is a reader, buy an engrossing (but not too complex – the brain isn’t functioning at peak capacity) fictional book. It’s even better if it’s the first of a series; that promises many days of distraction. Puzzles are a great tool to divert the mind and you can even play Words With Friends or Trivia Crack with them. If they are more of a watcher, buy a movie or a series for them. Even better, set up a recurring date with them to watch a favorite show.

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Something From the Past

Divorce is a time of identity crisis. You are no longer your married self and, as you try to figure out who you are now, it can be comforting to connect with the person you were prior to the marriage. If you knew the person during this period of their life, find something that will remind them of that more innocent time.

Something Indulgent

It feels good to be pampered. And when you’re going through the end of life as you know it, it feels even better. Spring for a massage. Or a pedicure. Take them to a restaurant known for its amazing service. It can be as simple as some bath salts and a candle or as involved as you want to make it. I used to save those little indulgences as treats after particularly difficult days. It helped me make it through just knowing that I had something to look forward to.

Something to Ease the Routine

Life can be overwhelming. And when you’re trying to learn to do the work of two by yourself (especially if you have kids), the pressure is immense. Gift a gift of ease. Offer to take their children to school or car in for servicing. Offer to help clean their house or wash their dog. When someone is in survival mode, the little things add up. So find something you can take off their plate.

Something to Do Together

These were my favorite care package items during my divorce. Some were elaborate and some extremely simple. In every case, the time together let me know that my friend was thinking of me and it gave me much needed laughter as well as time away from the reality. Go on a hike together. Go to a concert. Watch a game. Explore a nearby town. The “what” matters less than that you plan it, invite them and take care of any barriers in their way.

Something to Feel Attractive

In any divorce, there is a fear of getting back out there. Of dating again in your older and saggier form. And if there was infidelity, their confidence has taken an even bigger hit. Include something in the care package that makes them feel attractive. Desirable. They will probably not be ready for it at the beginning, but when they are ready, it sure is nice to have that little reminder handy.

Something to Inspire

I used to tease my mom about her ever-present inspirational quotes. And then I got divorced and suddenly I surrounded myself with them as well. You don’t have to limit yourself to quotes. Give them a postcard from a trip you took together or that they dream of going on. Include a plant that is just starting to grow or bud as a reminder that they will bloom again. It can even be more symbolic, taking the form of a rising phoenix or emerging butterfly. This is the gift of hope.

All of these gifts will be appreciated and treasured. But the gift that means the most can’t be put into a box or presented in a card. It’s the gift of an empathetic ear and a supportive hug. Be there and they will never forget.

Stepping on Toes in the Pursuit of Happiness

Posted on by stilllearning2b
happiness

“But I just wanted to be happy,” my couldn’t-be-ex-quickly-enough whined to the police officer in the interview room where he was being questioned for bigamy.

“That doesn’t give you an excuse to commit a felony,” the officer responded. I could hear him shaking his head in disbelief as he related this encounter to me on the phone later that day.

It brings up an interesting question though – when is it okay to cause distress to others on your own path to self fulfillment?

Your first impulse may be, “never.” Yet, we are not responsible for another’s happiness and we are in charge of our own. And there are times when you may have to step on some toes in order to make the changes that you need to make for you.

And it’s actually more harmful to engage in the people-pleasing (or cowardly) dance around the toes than to be honest and upfront from the beginning. When we try to protect people from our truth, we are acting as gatekeepers, something no relationship on common footing should ever have. Additionally, in trying to avoid hurting anyone, you create an environment seeded for deception (if you do want you want and lie about it to protect the other or yourself) or contempt and resentment (if you don’t follow your dreams and you blame your partner for your circumstances).

There are times when you have to step on some toes. Bruise some egos. Utter words that you know will lead to tears. And maybe even make a decision that causes a heart to break.

It’s not your job to ensure that your partner never feels pain. It’s not your role to act as security guard for your partner’s ego. And it’s not your responsibility to protect your partner’s cheeks from tears.

There are times that you may have to step on some toes in order to find your happiness.

But you are responsible for ensuring that you step as gently as possible. (Unlike my ex, who pretty much tap danced in combat boots over everyone in his life.)

If you are feeling unfulfilled in your life and you suspect that the pursuit of your own happiness will end up hurting others, here is what you need to consider if you want to tread as lightly as possible:

Don’t Be Impulsive

We all get irritated at times. We all reach a breaking point where eruptions are inevitable. This is not the time to throw out some news that will hurt your partner. Wait until you are calm and deliberate. Words can never be erased.

Speak Your Truth Clearly

Say it as it is. Provide the basics and only elaborate if asked.

Do Not Spread Blame

Even if you see your partner as responsible, this is not the time to point fingers. Own your part. And make sure you’re not on a snipe hunt for happiness. Not only is that not fair to your partner, you will never find what you’re looking for.

Be Patient

This may be old news to you, but it’s a breaking headline to your partner. Give them the time and space needed to adjust.

Accept That Some Pain is Inevitable

You can’t keep your partner from hurting. Offer comfort if it is welcome and don’t censor or try to minimize the pain.

Strive to Not Respond to Anger

When we are surprised and in pain, we often lash out. Try to not respond to anger; it won’t lessen the impact of your announcement.

Enlist Professional Help If Needed

Whether the news is delivered in a counseling office or a therapist is secured after-the-fact, recognize that help may be needed.

Listen and Keep an Open Mind

You may have reached a conclusion on your own. Be willing to listen to your partner. First, so that they can feel understood and also because you may find an alternative you did not consider.

And I discourage bigamy; you’ll find the police aren’t very sympathetic:)

A Facebook Marriage (Keep the Smile On Or Else)

Posted on by stilllearning2b
facebook marriage

I didn’t join Facebook until after my divorce.

But if I did have a Facebook page during my first marriage, it would have revealed nothing of the upcoming marital tsunami. You would have seen pictures of us playing with the dogs and working on the house. You would be jealous of our new (and huge) deck with requisite hot tub overlooking a large wooded backyard. You would be subjected to pictures of public affection and cheery smiles. In other words, we would have looked happy and normal.

And that’s so often the case, isn’t it?

No matter what is occurring behind closed doors, the marriage we reveal to the world is Pinterest-perfect. We see endless streams of seemingly flawless families and we want to blend in. We feel awkward and vulnerable showing any cracks in the marital shell, so we hide them behind carefully selected and cropped photos. Maybe we want to pretend that our marriages are solid and intact and we play out that fantasy on our social threads.

We probably all play that game to some extent, methodically choosing to put our best faces forward while hiding our flaws in the shadows. Airing our successes and anniversaries while shielding our squabbles and struggles. And in most cases, it’s pretty harmless.

But what about when things behind closed doors really aren’t okay? What about when you’re at your breaking point and you need a lifeline?

What about when you just can’t maintain the facade any longer?

There’s a loneliness and an isolation that comes from having to pretend that things are always okay, especially when it seems that everyone else is living a Photoshopped dream.

While Facebook has increased our connections, it can also increase our feelings of shame and distress when our lives fail to meet the “should I post this” test. It’s as though we’re in some sort of marital dissolution quarantine where we have to say something nice or not say anything at all.

It makes me sad when people message me and tell me they would love to follow my Facebook page but they’re embarrassed that someone might see the name, “Lessons From the End of a Marriage” on their feed sandwiched between the silly cat picture and the smiling kids posing in their first-day-of-school-clothes shot.

Because the truth is that divorce is just as much a part of life as silly cats and the first day of school.

And it’s not something that we can edit out as though it doesn’t exist.

Because sometimes pain is hidden behind those Facebook smiles.

And maybe sometimes it’s okay to show it.

I’m not advocating badmouthing your ex in a public platform (especially if you have kids or if the legal process is still ongoing). I’m not promoting a blow-by-blow appropriate for the tabloids. And I’m not suggesting that you divulge thoughts better suited to the therapist’s couch.

But it is okay to show you’re hurting. It’s okay to reach out and ask for help. It’s okay to drop the facade and show some of your cracks.

And yes, some people will question you.

But others will support you.

And others will admire your courage and maybe that will encourage them to show their truth.

Connection is not found through the illusion of perfection.

It’s created when we take down our walls and discover that we have more in common than a fondness for silly cat pictures.

Don’t be afraid to be real.

After all, it’s what makes you awesome.

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Hope is a Passive Verb

Posted on by stilllearning2b
hope

I experienced a moment of synchronicity this past weekend – just as I was typing, “I hope the Ravens win,” a Tweet showed up on my feed about the limitations of the word “hope.” Patrick Brady (@MrMindMiracle) compares “hope” to the word “try,” pointing out the inherent weakness implied by both.

The thought made me pause. I rolled the idea around in my mind for the next few plays (where, I might add, my hope of the Ravens doing well was coming to fruition). “Hope” is a word I frequently use, both in my words and my writing. There are times when hope can be dangerous (as in holding onto the idea that an expired relationship may yet again find footing) and there are times when hope is essential (such as when it keeps us from drowning in despair).

And it’s true, that much like “try,” “hope” is passive. It paints a picture of wishing on a thing and then sitting back waiting for it to occur. And in both cases, action must be paired with intent for anything to happen. Well, other than the Ravens winning. Luckily, they don’t require anything from me to get into the playoffs:)

Hope is an important emotion. It gives us a whisper of possibility when everything feels impossible. It provides the inspiration to take the next breath when we feel as though our world is imploding. It gives permission to trust that despair isn’t permanent and that you can have a better tomorrow.

Hope gives the motivation to keep going even when you can’t yet see the light.

But hope is not enough.

You have to act.

I have hope and I’m not afraid to use it.

The discussion reminded me of a phrase I heard often during my divorce:

Everything happens for a reason.

Whenever that phrase was delivered by some well-meaning person, I would nod and mutter, “yes,” while silently screaming inside. You see, that phrase to me seemed passive. It implied that I should sit back and wait and let the reason for the hell I was enduring be revealed.

And passively waiting was the last thing I wanted to do. My life was actively stolen from me. And I was actively going to make it better.

And I didn’t just hope I could laugh, trust and love again.

I didn’t just hope that one day I could be grateful for my divorce and even for my ex.

I didn’t just hope I could bring purpose to the pain and create good from so much bad.

I knew I could.

And then I made it happen.

Baby step by baby step.

Replace “hope” and “try” with “believe” and “will.”

Don’t just chase your dreams,

Create your dreams.

Make your hope an active verb.

When Will My Divorce Be Over?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When will my divorce be over?

It seems like such a clear-cut question, doesn’t it? Obviously, the divorce is over when the legal process is finalized and you receive a decree embossed with your local court’s seal.

But that’s only a piece of the puzzle; that’s when the state sees you as divorced. Not necessarily when you do.

Because a divorce, like a marriage, is so much more than a piece of paper.

There are certain benchmarks that you have to meet before you can relax and truly see your divorce as over. These are in no particular order because they may occur at a different point for each person. And the timeline for healing will be different for everyone.

Release of Hope

Before you can view your divorce as final, you have to first accept that your marriage is over. Maybe you’re a fixer and you are still desperately trying to patch things together. Maybe you are still in disbelief and you keep hoping that your soon-to-be-ex will change his or her mind. Or maybe you have weathered many ups and downs over the course of your marriage and you are holding on to the idea that this down will again be followed by an up. It makes sense to hold on to hope as long as possible. After all, you don’t want to discard a marriage that is still salvageable. However, it’s also important to accept that you cannot control your partner’s choices and you cannot save a marriage on your own.

Acceptance of Circumstances

Divorce changes every aspect of your life – from living situation to lifestyle. Maybe you lost money in the deal or were ordered to pay alimony. Or the judge ordered joint custody when you were hoping for full. Perhaps you were made to move out of the marital home and your suburban spread has been replaced with a run down apartment. You may feel like your current situation is not fair, that you are being made to pay for situations beyond your control. And you may be right. Divorce isn’t about fair. It’s about getting through and moving forward. And that begins with accepting where you are.

Completion of Legal Matters

Divorce may be more than a piece of paper, but the acquisition of that paper sure can be a drawn-out and expensive process. And it’s difficult (if not impossible) to feel like the divorce is over while you’re still producing documents and cutting checks to lawyers. I have such empathy for those involved (either by circumstance or state law) in a year+ process (although I didn’t always feel that way). It’s difficult living in that limbo of separation where you’re neither married nor divorced.

Construction of Framework for New Life

It’s difficult to feel a sense of completion when the old chapter may be finished but the next is still a dark void. It’s much easier to feel like the divorce is fully behind you when you have at least the basics for the next steps in your life sketched out. You don’t have to know everything about the life you want to create post-divorce as much will unfold over time, but aim for some insight. Put the energy into laying out the framework for your new life; scaffolding makes moving forward more manageable.

Tempering of Bitterness

Are you still holding on to anger towards your ex or carrying a sense of derision for relationships in general? Even if you aren’t ready to date again (or even ever want to date again), this negativity makes it difficult to put the divorce behind you. Sometimes the residual acrid emotions are our attempt to avoid facing the sadness and loss hidden beneath. Other times, the anger is our shield because we are afraid of being seen as vulnerable and weak. Much of the time anger is simply pain screaming to be heard. So listen and answer.

Easing of Fear

Much like anger, fear can serve as a tether, holding you to your divorce. It’s scary facing the world alone when you’re used to having your spouse by your side. It’s terrifying to start over when you don’t even trust that you can stand. It’s daunting to think about dating again and starting a new relationship from scratch. And it may be even scarier to imagine being alone forever. The only way to lessen fear is to face it. Once you conquer those first few “I can’ts,” you’re confidence will build until you know you can.

Restoration of Balance

There is nothing balanced about life while you’re going through a divorce. Your emotions are running the show and are frequently as well behaved as a toddler on a sugar crash. You may be eating too much or too little or just too much of the wrong stuff. Perhaps you’ve become adept at avoiding reality through alcohol or distractions. Part of regaining your life after divorce is establishing healthy habits and a balanced environment. Re-evaluate what occupies your life and remove what no longer serves you.

Ultimately, your divorce is over when you see it as something that is a part of your story, your past. It no longer defines you or limits you. It speaks of where you’ve been, not where you are going. It’s an ending, yes. But one that allows a new beginning.

Related: Happiness is Divorce in the Rearview Mirror