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What “Gone Girl” Can Teach Us About Marriage
Spoiler alert: It is impossible to discuss the book Gone Girl without revealing some of the plot. It is an enjoyable read and one that is best if you enter with an unsullied mind. Please read the book before you read my post. Thanks!
Our first glimpse into Nick and Amy’s marriage is that of an outside observer. Marriages are never what they seem to the external world. The gentle man at work may be the enforcer at home. The confident woman strutting through the mall may be insecure behind closed doors. The couple that doesn’t touch much at the movies may spent hours intertwined once they return home. Nick and Amy wanted to project the image of a healthy marriage. A lie that slipped in through the cracks of the closed doors of their relationship.
Amy entered into the marriage as a character. She cast herself in the role of the “cool girl,” losing herself before the vows were even spoken. The facade wears thin, as all masks do, and she begins to blame her husband for a role she chose for herself. When the book opens, she has disappeared. At first, we shift the blame for her supposed abduction to her husband. Then we realize she is the one to blame for her own actions.
Obviously, the actions in the book are more extreme than in a usual marriage, but they still have ties to common marital issues. Amy completely subjugated herself for the relationship. For the image of a perfect marriage. When she realized she was unhappy, she chose to shift the blame for her actions to her partner that was unaware of her deceptions. She ran away to run from the persona she created. This pattern of failing to take responsibility for one’s own happiness and then blaming the spouse for the lack of contentment is all too common. Just as the pattern did not work too well for Amy, it doesn’t work in the real world either. You can disappear, but the unhappiness will be on your tail.
Amy was not the only weak link in the union. Rather than face his growing feelings of isolation and shame related to his failed career, Nick chose to seek attention in the arms of another. He tried to solve one problem by creating another. He also ran from the marriage, but his trek didn’t take him on the road.
Nick and Amy lived in a world of facades, more concerned about the illusions than the realities. In the end, they decide to settle for the illusion. It is an ending that has received much complaint and push-back. Perhaps because we want to believe that they can conjure up real love from the smoke and mirrors.
If we want real love in our lives, it has to start with authenticity. Be true to yourself and reveal yourself to your partner. Take responsibility for your actions and your own happiness. Love comes with imperfections and acceptance. Don’t get so carried away with the face of the marriage that is presented to the world that you forget to nurture it behind closed doors.
Gone Girl makes a much better read than Fifty Shades of Grey, but I still think the latter makes for a better party theme.
And now that you’ve read Gone Girl, check out Lessons From the End of a Marriage🙂
During Divorce: Make New Friends but Keep the Old
It is normal for your marriage to be at the center of your social life. You have a built-in activity partner. You share friends. The “plus one” is expected when you receive an invitation.
And then the marriage dies.
Your go-to is gone. The mutual friends may be divvied up like a bag of Skittles, or they may simply scatter as though the bag of candy was dropped to the floor.
It is tempting to hide. To hibernate. You may want to pull the covers over your head and not come out until the debris field has been cleared. It’s tempting, but it won’t help you heal. Think of the skin under a bandage that has been left on too long. Is that what you want your heart to look like?
Hopefully you have some stalwart friends who stick by your side. These are the ones who don’t run from your tears or hide from your rants. Treasure these friends. They are true.
Eventually, you will tire of being seen as the “divorcing one.” You will want to try on new guises and play with new personas. This is a wonderful opportunity to try new things and meet new people. Surround yourself with others who have a zest for life, even if they only flit in and out of your life for a moment. Let them teach you. It is a time to win friends and be influenced by people. Practice saying “yes” to experiences you would have avoided before. Celebrate. Laugh. Live. Then go home and cry if you need to.
Your world will stabilize again. Friendships will build. You will learn to navigate without the “plus one.” Until that time, reach out and make some new friends even if only for a day.
Some ideas on where to meet new friends:
- Meetup.com This was my choice. This is a free site that lets you join groups that partake in activities in your area that interest you. You can then choose to participate when you wish. Some events are free while others require payment of some sort. While I was active in Meetup, I hiked part of the Appalachian Trail with a group of women, I went sailing on a small sailboat, I enjoyed a gluten free dinner at a Cuban restaurant, and I went ice skating. I met people of all ages and backgrounds. I could tell them as much or as little of my story as I wished.
- A Class Sign up for a class through your local library, university, or parks and recreation service. The beauty of a class format is that you don’t face pressure of trying to make friends. Just relax and enjoy learning. But don’t forget to smile at those around you.
- Church Many larger churches have groups that are designated for singles or for those in transition. They often schedule outings and activities. You can even venture outside your normal church to find new people.
- Group Exercise This option can help you get or stay in shape, manage anxiety, and make friends! Consider Crossfit, bootcamps, running/walking groups, indoor cycling, or yoga. Invite someone out for coffee after the sweat session.
Get out there. Keep living. Keep learning. You never know, you may just find another “plus one.”
Languages of Love and Loss
Let’s Go On An Adventure
My friend Sarah and her daughter, Kayla, came over for a visit the other day. Kayla was no damsel in distress on this day; she was happy and giggly and eager to get to know Tiger. They played ball on the stairs tirelessly for over an hour, dog and child finding joy in the simple act of fetch and retrieve. Kayla never questioned the goal of the activity, nor complained as the tennis ball grew ever wetter with slobber. She simply delighted in the moment. It was adorable to watch this slight three-year-old learn to command the ninety-five pound pit bull as she ordered him “down” before she would release the ball, letting it tumble down the stairs. When her mom announced that it was time to go, Kayla initially protested, begging to stay and play with Tiger a bit longer. Soon, however, she brightened, and asked, “Is it time for another adventure?” Sarah responded to her daughter in the affirmative and then turned to me and said, “Actually, we’re going to the grocery store, but for her that is an adventure.”
I can’t claim that I am able to view a trip to Publix as an adventure, but I love the message from little Kayla – approach every experience with curiosity and allow for excitement even in the mundane.
My own adventure came a few days later, when my boyfriend and I went to visit a friend in St. Marys, a small town tucked in the southeastern corner of Georgia. It was a short trip – an entire summer in one long weekend sandwiched between writing a book (which will be released soon!!!) and my return to school. Like Kayla, my boyfriend and I found joy in the smallest details of each day. My friend, whom we stayed with, had the brilliant idea of installing an outdoor shower in an enclosed and decked-in area of his backyard. We must have showered three times a day, enjoying the spray of the water against sweaty skin and delighting in the fresh air and sounds of the birds.
We ventured into Florida for our first beach day, enjoying the sun, sand, and surf which eludes us in our usual land-locked lives. After returning to St. Marys that afternoon (and taking another shower, of course!), we made our way into “downtown” on the city’s premier transportation method: a golf cart. It was a lovely change of pace from Atlanta’s usual gridlock. Somehow, you can’t feel road rage-ish on a golf cart. It’s scientifically impossible.
We made our way to an outdoor patio where Three-Fingered Nick (our “blues” name for him) was playing a couple sets with a few other musicians. Nick is so unbelievably inspiring. He was a well-known and extremely talented guitarist. After losing a finger and part of his thumb, he stayed away from playing for a time, but with the encouragement of his wife, eventually returned to the guitar. He sounds amazing. Not just amazing for a man with three fingers, but just plain amazing. I love meeting people who have persevered through difficulty. They show the true beauty of the human spirit.
The next day, my friend took us to Cumberland Island on his boat. We wove through miles of pristine marshland, the only boat on the water. My friend, a naturalist and passionate protector of the St. Marys river, answered our questions and pointed out wildlife and habitat features. It was stunning.
He dropped us off on the island. As I had done the official tour last year, I took on the role of tour guide for my boyfriend. Cumberland Island is a beautiful blend of history and nature, with a generous smattering of mosquitoes. We walked for mile or so through the dark and atmospheric woods formed by the low, twisting branches of the live oaks, their limbs decorated with the lacy veils of Spanish moss. The air was heavy with humidity that seemed to even dull the sounds of the cicadas that surrounded us. We were alone on the paths, making it easy to imagine being on those roads a hundred years prior. Before air conditioned. Shudder.
Our first destination was the ruins of the Carnegie mansion at Dungeness Point. 
Since I am much more educated about the sciences than Georgia history, I’m afraid I didn’t do this part of the tour justice.
We then walked along a boardwalk to make our way to the beach (all we could think about at this point was sinking into the cold waves). We spotted an alligator off the side of the path. Luckily, my boyfriend did not have to prove to the gator that he’s a black belt:)
The surf felt as amazing as expected. Cumberland is a different coastal experience. A special place. No more than 300 people are allowed on the island at a time, so the sands are relatively bare. There are no shops, no bars. In fact, you must carry in and remove anything you want with you. It’s backpacking on the beach. It was hot, sandy, and humid. But it was perfect.
The beach is home to a large herd of wild horses. There were several enjoying the beach along with us. This particular stallion stood facing the ocean for hours, seemingly enjoying the feel of the wind on his face. Or maybe he was debating about trying to swim across the Atlantic? Or, waiting for a message in a bottle from his long-lost mare ? Who knows? I just know I felt as peaceful as he looked.
Most of us do not get to have experiences like these frequently. However, as Kayla showed me, we don’t have to wait until we have the time or money (or the friend who bought a house at the beach!) to have an adventure. We can find thrills in every day. Even at the grocery store.
So, what do you say? Want to go on an adventure?
Related articles
- Cumberland Island, GA (365til30.com)
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 