Notes From a Week Away

It feels strange sitting here in front of my computer again. It’s been a solid week since I have sat here, my fingers on the keyboard. It’s good to take breaks sometimes – a needed pause to restore and a break in the routine.

But it also feels good to be back. After all, I like my routine:)

Between the cold that hijacked my body midweek and the cobwebs of vacation brain, I’m filled with snippets of the past week. They are not yet ripened into stand alone blog posts (although I’m sure some of them will after proper fermentation), so for now they are simply notes from a week away.

Endings

My last post was about the health and future of Ms Kitty. We found out last Sunday that she is indeed in early stage kidney failure. We are currently working on trying to get her to eat a special lower protein diet that will help to extend her life. It hard – she doesn’t want to eat and I see her getting sicker every day. She may have weeks or months, but the clock is winding down. Meanwhile, we try to enjoy every moment we can have with her.

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Maddy and daddy

That Reminds Me

Trying to tempt the cat to eat reminds me of the year I lived with my friend and her new baby. The little one was premature and had digestive problems. Our days that summer were spent trying to drip formula into her mouth one mL at a time. That sick baby is now a robust 4 1/2 year old. I spent last Saturday with them and the not-so-little one kept the laughter flowing and helped distract me from kitty.

I can SO embarrass her with this one when she starts dating!
I can SO embarrass her with this one when she starts dating!

Speaking of Distraction

I jumped on a plane Sunday morning to meet up with a childhood friend in New Orleans after 15 years without contact. I don’t think I’ve ever hugged anybody so hard:) We picked up right where we left off. We stayed at the Melrose Mansion, a renovated old house just east of the quarter. My friend even managed to score us a free room upgrade with a bathtub as large as my entire bathroom at home!

The early bird gets the tub!
The early bird gets the tub!

We were pretty tame as far as New Orleans is concerned (i.e. we only saw Bourbon St. at 8 in the morning!). Some of that was due to the weather (cold and raining) and some due to the fact that we’re old and lame:) Apart from long conversations and giggles in bed (I told you we picked up where we left off!), we also visited a cool choose-your-own-adventure wine bar and an adult arcade where we could feel like kids again!

Wine Institute of New Orleans - Where the coursework requires a wine glass:)
Wine Institute of New Orleans – Where the coursework requires a wine glass:)
I went for the the pinball games, which were always my best, while my friend went for Ms. Pacman and Frogger. Just like the old days!
I went for the pinball games, which were always my best, while my friend went for Ms. Pacman and Frogger. Just like the old days!

Rain, Rain Go Away

The weather in New Orleans was a bit of a bummer (the heated swimming pool had to go untested), but it really through a wrench in the plans once I returned home. Brock and I were supposed to leave Wednesday morning for a three night camping trip at Cheaha State Park in northeastern Alabama. Except the forecast called for snow, ice and wind, oh my. And no thanks. Basically, it was guaranteed to be a miserable trip with a decent chance of it becoming a live action version of some of our favorite survival shows. We reluctantly decided to axe the idea of camping and substitute two day hikes instead. Our first outing was Red Top Mountain State Park on Thanksgiving. The fresh air and warm sun felt so good.

Tiger protecting us from the infamous Red Top Monster. I'm happy to report that we all escaped unscathed.
Tiger protecting us from the infamous Red Top Monster. I’m happy to report that we all escaped unscathed.

Yesterday, we decided to go to Cheaha for the day. Brock used to rock climb here and he enjoyed showing me the cliffs he used to climb. Usually, we plan our hikes carefully. This time, we approached it like an adventure. The destination was unimportant (in fact, it was nonexistent). It was all about the journey.

A Black Friday that reminds you that what really matters cannot be bought or sold:)
A Black Friday that reminds you that what really matters cannot be bought or sold:)

I’ve never been to that part of the state and I was struck by how much the soil and vegetation reminded me of Texas – just MUCH more mountainous! We only hiked 6 miles or so but I think our elevation change was at least that much.

Tiger also enjoyed the views.
Tiger also enjoyed the views.

Uphill Climbs

We weren’t the only ones facing uphill climbs this week. We visited with two friends who are both in the early stages of starting over after divorce. One is living with her mom with her three kids. The other is in a rented space whose empty rooms speak to the life left behind. It was a stark reminder of where I was just a few short years ago. Of how thankful I was for the small guest bedroom that was my home for a year. At how empowering it was to rent my own space for the first time. At the possibilities presented when you start over.

The last step of every journey is the first step of a new adventure.

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Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving whatever your adventures:)

Endings Suck

Normally I would try to come with a more upbeat title or at least a clever one.

But my brain just isn’t there right now.

There’s no way around it. No sugarcoat sweet enough.

It doesn’t matter if it’s expected and natural.

Endings just plain suck.

Ms. Kitty, of S**t Where You Eat Fame, is having issues again. Only these aren’t behavioral. These are signs that she is every one of her 17 years. We had an emergency vet appointment yesterday and now we’re waiting to find out how close the end is. No matter what answers we receive, they won’t be the right ones.

And it’s killing me.

Rationally, I’m fine. She’s an old cat. She’s lived a full and happy life, with the best of them being these past few years.

But emotionally?

Yeah. Let’s just say not so fine.

Part of is my bond with her. She and I have been through quite a lot together. She was there before I even married for the first time. A lifetime ago. Letting her go is releasing one of the last links I have to the first part of my adult life. She has been my morning companion, getting her snuggles in before any of her doggie siblings (past and present) are ready to stir. She curls up alongside me with every meditation and loves to try to entangle me during yoga. I even had to try to teach her some physics to help her realize that she doesn’t want to be nearby when the kettlebells are swinging. I look at her and remember the kitty of the past. The one who played in a box jungle that my ex and I built for her in the apartment dining room. The cat who used to fall into open toilets. The feline who would eat the tops off of any muffins left within reach. Bittersweet smiles this morning.

Part of it is her bond with Brock. He never wanted a cat but welcomed her with open arms and worked patiently to ensure that she and Tiger had a good relationship. Over the period of year, Ms. Kitty really began to trust him and now gets her evening snuggles from her daddy. I love seeing them together. In some ways it’s harder for him – I’ve seen her natural decline over her life whereas he has only seen her for the last four years. He’s not ready to let her go either.

But it’s not about us. It’s about Ms. Kitty and when it is time for her go. Resistance may make her stay a little longer, but at what cost?

It’s a natural end.

But, damn, it sucks.

And what is it about endings that make one unearth all of the old losses from the past?

Not cool, brain. Not cool.

My days are not all about ends right now. Today, I hop on a flight to New Orleans to see a childhood friend for the first time in over 15 years. I thought that relationship ended when I moved here but, when she found me recently, it has been rekindled with a vengeance. My mind is a time machine dancing between releasing an old cat, exploring a new city (to me, at least) and connecting with an old/new friend.

Yeah, endings suck.

But life isn’t all endings.

 

 

 

Hurry Up and Wait

Hurry up.

So we put in an offer on the house last night. It was a crazy scramble getting everything in place. Brock and I both worked with the mortgage company and the realtor to get the financing and the bid prepared. I also spent a significant amount of time researching appliances and costs associated with the work the house needs so that we can watch our budget and make sure we know what is feasible.

And wait.

So now the offer is in, the bidding period is closed and now we wait for some unknown amount of time. Never fun, but even less fun when you haven’t been preparing to move. We’re in kind of a limbo. If this house falls through, we most likely won’t move until November or December, meaning life goes on. If, however, we get the house…

Hurry up.

We’ll have to pack and be ready to close and move a couple weeks into August (and the new school year). We have to find a fridge (Craigslist, please come through for us!!!) and start tackling the paint (I think the house’s nickname should be the painted whore; it has a New Orleans drag queen sort of look on every surface) and carpet. We won’t have the funds to do everything at once…

And wait.

I’m working on preparing myself to not go into Lisa mode, where I frantically try to get everything done at once. There will be time enough to do it all. I pre-coaching myself on the importance of patience, just in case this actually happens.

Meanwhile, I’m going to hurry up…

And live.

Meanwhile, I’m leaving tomorrow for a girl’s weekend (my first ever!) on Tybee Island. I’m feeling kind of guilty about it. When the trip was planned, this was just a normal weekend. Now? Anything but. It’s a couple hundred bucks that could be going to the house and I’m leaving Brock alone to deal with stuff just as he will be coming off a rough week at work. But feeling guilty won’t cost any less and won’t help Brock juggle his weekend. So, I am going to do my best to put this out of my mind and just enjoy the beach and the company:)

I may be waiting on a house but I am not waiting to live.  After all, I can multi-task!

life is not a waiting room

On another note, I did a fun radio show this morning. I had a great time even though the host believes that there is nothing wrong with leaving a marriage abruptly via text message! I’ll post the link when it goes live next month.

 

Learning to Trust Myself

New Orleans. Mardi Gras. And Super Bowl!
New Orleans. Mardi Gras. And Super Bowl!

 

The hardest part of learning to trust after betrayal has been learning to trust myself.

My fiance and his cousin, both huge Ravens fans, were lucky enough to score tickets to the Super Bowl. In New Orleans. During Mardi Gras. Talk about the ultimate boy’s weekend!

Brock came back into town Monday night but due to his exhaustion on Monday and our crazy schedules on Tuesday, we really didn’t have a chance to connect until last night.

We went to one of our favorite eating spots, ordered our food and he set up his iPad to show me the pictures from the weekend. It was a bit of a deja vu experience for me.

Almost four years ago, I sat in a similar restaurant with my husband, a MacBook Pro open in front of us as he showed me pictures of his recent 10 day trip to Brazil. On the surface, much was the same between those two days. Underneath? Nothing in common at all.

Just weeks before leaving the marriage, my husband returned from what I thought was a business trip in Brazil. I was told that he was there to work with a frequent client of his and the specified show he was supposed to be working was in Sao Paulo That was true. The rest was not. The details he told me about the build and his frustrations with the Brazilian labor were complete lies. The names of people he was working with were utter fabrications. Instead of a work trip, it was actually a pre honeymoon with his soon-to-be second wife.

I didn’t know any of this until later.

I completely trusted my husband. It never would have entered my mind that he culled pictures to make a file that was “Lisa” safe, removing all evidence of his fiancee. I never thought to carefully examine the “work” pictures in the mix, looking for signs that they were pulled from the internet or from earlier shows.

My brain trusted my husband completely. Yet, my gut was unsettled during that entire trip. I was anxious, restless, filled with concern for his safety. It knew something.

Last weekend could not have been more different. My fiance was at the ultimate party and I was completely calm. I had no anxiety. No unease.  I looked at his pictures with complete calm, enjoying his enjoyment.

It’s crazy to think that I used to trust my husband more than I trusted myself. I believed him more that I believed my own instincts. I have learned how to trust myself. I have tuned in to my instincts and I am less inclined to rationalize any twinges that I feel. There is no guarantee that I will never be betrayed again, but at least I know that I won’t be the one to do it.