Five Strategies to Cope With a Lack of Motivation During Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

At first, it was a fight for survival that kept me going. That was soon replaced with a desire for justice. Then, some excitement for new possibilities provided a slight trickle of motivation to keep going.

Eventually, all of that ran out. The well of inspiration to keep slogging through the debris of divorce dried up, leaving me tired. No, scratch that. Leaving me exhausted and defeated, unable to summon the energy to keep going and unwilling to see past the frustration about being forced to start over.

The task felt too big to accomplish and my bones felt too weary for the burden. Thankfully, my stubbornness was greater than my lack of motivation and I soon incorporated these five strategies to keep me moving forward on the days where I just wanted to hide under the covers.

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Motivation Builder 1 – Implement Structure and Rules

We are all creatures of habit and when left to our devices, we tend to slide towards the path of least resistance, AKA the sofa and the mindless use of technology. We easily feel both too busy because we’re doing something and feel too tired because we’re not doing enough. Interestingly, we even begin to resist those activities that bring us joy or a sense of accomplishment because the barrier to begin simply feels too high.

One of the first strategies to implement when you’re feeling unmotivated is to build some structure into your days and weeks. Start by drafting a list of those things that you want – or need – to incorporate on a regular basis. Then, decide how often you want to implement them and think about how you can place these on a digital or physical calendar. Finally, set reminders to nag you to get it done and that you’ll feel better once you put in the effort.

For me, I like to have some flexibility within my structure. So when I needed to do this, I spent some time crafting a spreadsheet divided into several sections: exercise (actually three sections here: cardio, strength, flexibility), mindfulness, social, divorce-related business and play. Within each section, I created a goal for a minimum number of times per week I wanted to participate and I brainstormed a list of ways that I could meet that need (this way it was difficult to come up with an excuse that none of the ideas would work). I printed out a new sheet every Sunday and marked my progress throughout the week.

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Motivation Builder 2 – Stage Rewards

If everything in your life right now feels like a slog, it’s no wonder you’re feeling unmotivated. It’s easy to put your life on hold when you’re in a period of transition, especially if the adjustment was unwanted. Yet waiting to live also becomes a habit.

Buy those concert tickets. Say “Yes!” to that invitation. Take that walk around the neighborhood on a beautiful day, even if you have to force the first step. Go somewhere where you’re not known and pretend for just a few hours that your world hasn’t unraveled. Make scheduling smiles a priority.

Sometimes, we feel guilty for smiling when the world tells us we should be crying. And even more often, we fear that we have forgotten how to smile, that the tears have permanently weighed down the corners of our mouths. You haven’t forgotten. You’re just out of practice. So give it a try. It will feel awkward at first, foreign and forced. The body remembers how to laugh. Allow it to share that gift with you.

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Motivation Builder 3 – Surround Yourself With the Right People

Motivating people is a tricky thing. Push too softly and their inertia resists the efforts; push too hard and shut-down ensues. Find and surround yourself with people who will kick you when you need it, yet who will do it kindly enough that you’ll listen.

Seek those that have your interests at heart instead of pushing their own agenda into your lap. Sometimes, they may say something that you don’t like hearing. They may challenge your assumptions, try to shift your perspectives. If they are coming from a place of love and concern, consider their advice.

If you do not have anyone that you trust is both looking out for you and will be firm with you, it may be time to look into hiring a professional that can help motivate you. This can be a counselor, a coach or even someone specific to a particular area of your life.

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Motivation Builder 4 – Pair “Have To’s” With “Want To’s”

I have used this trick in so many areas of my life. At times, I splurged on fancy shampoo that I would only allow myself to use after a workout in the gym shower. I save my favorite podcasts for my early morning walks with the pup. Whenever I feel grumbly and unmotivated about grading, I relocate the activity to a cozy coffeeshop or a blanket spread out in a park.

Find those tasks that you procrastinate with the most and brainstorm what sugar you can sprinkle on them to make them a little more palatable. I managed to make it through the gargantuan feat of completing the paperwork for Innocent Spouse Relief with a lot of heavy metal, scheduled pool breaks and a few pints of vanilla ice cream with fresh peaches from the farmer’s market. It still wasn’t easy, but those additions helped me get through it.

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Motivation Builder 5 – Celebrate Successes No Matter How Small

It’s easy to be motivated when you can see the finish line. It’s rather more difficult when you don’t know where the finish line is (and on many days, you even doubt its very existence). Yet even when you don’t know where or when you’ll reach the end of the aftereffects of divorce, you can mark the progress you’re making along the way.

You only cried three times this week and four is your usual? Awesome! You stopped yourself from sending an angry text to your ex? Kudos on reining in your frustrations! You got out of bed today? You beast!

Aim to celebrate some little accomplishment each day. It serves as an incentive to do some little thing each and every day that moves you just a little closer to where you want to be. And once you start acknowledging the results, it’s easier to find the motivation to keep going.

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Wrapped in Words

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s been a rough few weeks at work. I took the time today to read the signs that are posted throughout the school. They helped bring a smile to my face and gave me a renewed sense of energy and purpose (and a few giggles).

I hope they can do the same for you:)

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We Are Women

Posted on by stilllearning2b

 

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” Marianne Williamson

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On the surface, it was a simple girl’s weekend at the beach. But much lies beneath the waves at the ocean in the form of great beauty and unexplored possibilities.

On the surface, we were five women with toned figures and painted nails, armed with the foods, drinks and clothes to celebrate a weekend away from our normal lives and responsibilities. But much lies beneath the façade of a woman in the form of great power and untapped potential.

We were more strangers than friends when we first gathered at the rented beach house late Friday afternoon. A proposal was made that we draw names – the selected slip bearing the name of the woman we were to focus on that weekend so that we could reveal her greatest gifts to her in our final conversation.

Names drawn, the weekend began. Stories were told and topics were broached. Our laughter echoed through the home and our tears stained our cheeks. Meals were prepared and consumed. We watched sunsets and sunrises from the decks and explored the roads on runs. We walked to the beach only to have to run home in the monsoon that soon appeared. We danced and sang and we didn’t get much sleep.

Through it all, we watched and we listened to the woman bearing our selected name. Becoming more aware in each moment that we all brought different gifts to the table and that we each had what another lacked.

Sunday morning came all too soon. We gathered one last time with the intent of revealing what we learned about each other. We soon realized that each woman, powerful in her own beautiful way, embodied a different characteristic of womanhood and had a lesson to teach the rest of us.

Empathy

The first gifts to be revealed were that of the woman who possessed a quiet power and a willing ear. She would observe and reflect only later to release wisdom without assumption. She embodied the feminine caregiver, the nurturer that reaches out to assist those in need. Her journey has her learning how to set boundaries and the importance of taking care of yourself before you can help others.

Lesson: Embrace your nurturing nature yet remember that you are only responsible for your own happiness and well-being.

Strength

The next up was a woman who personifies strength. Her tall, solid frame speaks to her physical power, her sturdy muscles taut beneath the skin. Her tattoos are a testament of her resiliency though life’s trials. She is larger than life and does everything to the utmost. She is statuesque in frame and in spirit, as others look up to her as a model for their own lives. She has faced opposition from those who are intimidated by her feminine strength and seek to subdue it. Yet female strength is not something shameful; it is something to be celebrated. And celebrate it we did!

Lesson: Celebrate who you are and do not allow others to force you into hiding.

Passion

This woman was the last to show up at the home on Friday. She brought sunshine in the door behind her. Her big smile, loud unapologetic laugh and sense of play brought an amazing energy to the group. She embraces her sexuality and understands its power. Rather than trying to intimidate others with her beauty, she seeks to reveal and revel in the beauty of others.

Lesson: Celebrate life’s joys and do not be ashamed of pleasure. Laugh often and laugh loud.

Voice

This powerful woman was the one who made this weekend happen. She is assertive and strong, never afraid to speak her mind or to speak up for those who can’t for themselves. She has learned how to lead through inspiration and knows how to teach and open minds without relying on preaching. When others speak, she listens and when she speaks, the world listens.

Lesson: Create change by dreaming big and inspiring those around you to dream even bigger.

Spirit

The last woman is a testament of the power of the human spirit. She is resilient and determined, not content to take the easy road. She uses her story to motivate others to move beyond hardship and struggle. She sees potential for growth and opportunity in every challenge.

Lesson: You are only a victim if you imprison yourself. Release yourself from your past and let your spirit soar.

We are women. We are powerful beyond measure.

These are blogs run by two of the other women on the trip. I’m sure they will be sharing their own experiences about the weekend as well:) Check them out!

Fit is the New 40

Imperfect Yoga and Coaching

Marathon Recap: I Won :)

Posted on by stilllearning2b
Injured, tired, and happy

Reposted in honor of National Running Day:)

No, not in terms of time. In fact, technically, it was the worst race I’ve ever run. I’m sure you’d have to scroll though thousands of pages to even find my finish time. But that was never what it was about. I completed the 26.2 miles while having an amazing time running (and walking) through a beautiful city on a gorgeous day with awesome people and (mostly) good music and I crossed the finish line into the arms of an unbelievable man. I’d say I won the race:)

When I got into the car (very) early yesterday morning, my boyfriend handed me several folded notes, each with a mileage indicator. I was to open the notes along my run. It was like an advent calendar of marathon motivation. Unbelievable. That gesture and those notes set the tone for the whole day.

A little crumpled and sweat stained, but they’re still beautiful to me:)

I spent the drive to the start line arranging Gu, chapstick, and the above mentioned notes. I applied Glide wherever skin met fabric and I double-checked my shoe laces. I was ready.

I had over two hours to wait at the corrals before the race. It was chilly, but bearable, and I loved the look of historic Savannah under the almost-full moon. I met a woman in her 60’s who was working on running 100 marathons (this was 94). I asked her what her favorite one had been. Number two on her list blew me away: The Great Wall of China. What an amazing experience that would be!

We finally took off. I was feeling great and enjoying the music (especially the bagpipes around mile 6!) and the amazing support from the spectators. The local people were amazing – dancing, singing, and even blessing us as we ran by. The energy was infectious. And so was the motivation. Every person there had a reason for running marathons or that race in particular. As the Rock n Roll series raises money for cancer, there were thousands of runners with signs on their backs of loved ones they had lost. Others ran for different losses. I met many recent divorcees, people who ran to celebrate their recovery, and one woman who runs a marathon a year to maintain and celebrate her 160 lb weight loss.  It was impossible to not be inspired.

Mile 7 was my game-changer. I injured my IT band almost two years doing Tough Mudder (and a 1/2 marathon the next weekend). I rehabed it and it hasn’t bothered me much in the past year or so. Until yesterday, that is. I felt the familiar pain and pull along the outside of my left leg. I spent a few miles using anything at my disposal to try to coax the fascia into loosening. I repeatedly used traffic cones to dig into the soft tissue and I even borrowed a broom from a volunteer so that I could roll my IT band with the handle. It wasn’t helping, nor was the Tylenol, ice, and wrap from the medical tent. By about mile 12, I had given up on this being the race I wanted. I realized that the leg would not get better and that my ability to run was severely hindered. Those were the tough miles. I gripped the 15 mile note from my boyfriend from mile 12 until it was time to open it. At that point, the course took us through the Savannah State campus and even around their track where the dance team and cheerleaders encouraged us on. That was great timing. As my pace slowed, I found myself amongst the running wounded and the more mature marathoners. That was okay with me. There is a spirit there in the back of the pack that felt right to me. I met a great man, Dennis, at the 24 mile marker. He was also hurting and, like me, was slowly giving up running in favor of walking. He said he would pull me across the finish line if I did the same for him. We both made it, limping and grinning.

Going into this race, I knew that it was going to be a mental game. I think it’s impossible to tackle that kind of distance and not have to dig into to your mental reserves. What surprised me; however, is that the race was very emotional. I first teared up at mile 5 at the kind words of a volunteer. From that point on, the tears hit every mile or so for just a few moments. The waterworks continued into the afternoon and evening as I recounted pieces of the race to my boyfriend and they even sit near the surface today. I’m not a crier and not prone to over-emotion, so this has been a surprise.

At the finish line. Finally!

The marathon was more symbolic of life and its struggles than I expected, as well. I went into the race expecting to run. I didn’t plan on the injury, but once it occurred, I had no choice but to accept it. I could have given up. In fact, there were times when the pain was so bad, I wanted to simply collapse where I was. But instead, I chose to continue. It wasn’t the journey I planned for, but it was a beautiful experience nonetheless. In my life, I never expected to be divorced. I didn’t plan for that injury either. But just like yesterday, I had a choice. And I chose to continue and even though it is not the life I anticipated, it is beautiful. Yup, I’d say I won:)

And, on a related note, I was happy to hear on Friday evening that mayor Bloomberg decided to cancel the New York marathon for this weekend. I understand the frustration of planning (and training, in the case of the runners) for so long and having to cancel at the last minute, but it was the right thing to do. And, as I’ve learned, marathoners understand that you can plan and prepare all you want, but that ultimately, you cannot control the outcome. I have the utmost respect for the runners who are using their pre-purchased trips to NY to assist in storm relief. You may not have run your race, but you certainly deserve a medal in my eyes.

Do You Ever Hear That Voice?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Do you ever hear that voice? The one that tells you that you’re not (good/smart/strong/thin/pretty/rich) enough?

The voice that finds your insecurities and broadcasts them back to you?

The voice that makes you question your choices. Your life. Your worth.

Do you ever hear it? Do you listen?

I’ve been listening to it lately.

It started innocently enough. I needed to buy a new pair of sandals to replace a pair that self-destructed. I made a stop at the shoe store on my way to gym. At the store, I took off my gym shoes and peeled off my socks only to discover that the polish on my toenails was chipped and half rubbed off (the natural consequence of spending more time running than on toe painting).

I looked up and noticed that all of the other women in the store were perfectly polished – nails and otherwise.

I felt embarrassed. I felt ashamed.

The voice whispered to me that I was not good enough.

I got over it enough to locate a pair of sandals and escape to gym, where I thought I would be safe.

But the voice followed.

It watched the other women in the gym and was quick to point out comparisons.

“Look at that! She can squat 140 pounds. You can’t do that!”

“Oh, look. She’s wearing that cute Athleta outfit you wanted. Too bad you only have your old race t-shirt on.”

“Look at her form on leg lifts! You’ll never be flexible enough to do that.”

Over the next couple weeks, the voice was like a malignant parrot on my shoulder. I’d shake it off for a time, but it kept coming home to roost. It seemed to feel the need to comment on every area of my life:

When a pair of shorts I wore last summer wouldn’t quite make the journey over my hips, “Well, look at that. Getting a little chunky there, are we?”

When one of my students complained about a boring lesson, “Wow, you can’t even make M&Ms entertaining. That’s pretty bad.”

When I looked at my book sales and saw that they had slipped, “What did you expect? It’s not like you’re any good at this.”

When another week went by and I hadn’t finished a piece I started for Huffpo, “You’re just a fraud anyways. Just give up on it.”

Yesterday, after more than a week of this verbal abuse by my own critical mind, I decided I would take some action. I stopped at Walmart on the way to yoga, thinking that some new makeup would do the trick. Maybe eye liner has some magical gag order action. The eyeliner is nice (and much easier to apply than the broken, stubby pencil I had been using that always threatened to leave splinters along with its color) but it didn’t shut up the voice.

That’s because I was allowing the voice to distract me from the true insecurities.

I wasn’t really upset about unpainted toenails or curvier hips.

It’s bigger than that.

The life of a teacher has a rhythm: frantic action in August and September settle into a routine that slowly builds in intensity until it peaks in May. And then we breathe.

Except I’m not content to simply breathe.

I’m not content to simply be a teacher.

I want more.

But I don’t know how.

Last summer, I was singularly focused on finishing the book and getting the wellness coaching business up and running.

I succeeded on both fronts.

This year, I have so much I want to do.

But I also have doubts. Am I wasting my time and energy? Which paths do I explore and which should I ignore?

Last summer, I posted four small bulletin boards above my desk, labeled body (marathon training), book (notes, etc. for writing it), blog (goals and post ideas) and business (goals and info for the coaching). I have not altered the boards much since the summer. As I look through the pages tacked to the squares, I realize that I am accomplished most of what I intended last summer.

So why is it not enough?

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Change is scary. Risk is scarier still. My inner critic is telling me to maintain the status quo, to not dare to post bigger goals and intentions. The voice tells me not to try so that I do not risk failure.

Today, I am telling my inner voice to shove it.

I am dedicating today to rebuilding my boards. I am committing to posting bigger goals and aspirations than before. I am pledging to sort through my ideas and clarify my paths. I am promising to use those boards as inspiration and motivation this summer.

So, yeah, I hear that voice. But today, I’m telling it to shut up. After I paint my toenails, that is:)

(This post makes me think of that old SNL skit with Stewart Smally: “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me.” 🙂 )