Learning to go Downhill

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Downhill

I’ve never been very good at going downhill.

I was bribed with banana splits to encourage me to learn how to ride a bike.  I was ten.  I still am not comfortable on a bike; the slightest decline inspires panic and usually results in a dismount and walk.  I used to think I could roller blade when I lived in San Antonio.  It turns out that San Antonio is flat.  Really flat.  As soon as I took my “skills” to other less elevation-challenged cities, I realized that I really had no skill at all.  But I did have a really sore behind.  When I drive my standard-transmission car on the downside of a hill, I inevitably downshift beyond what is necessary.  Even while running (look ma, no wheels!), I power up the hills and slow down on the decent.

I’m not sure what it is about hills that causes me pause.  I know I get panicky, afraid that the situation will get out of control.  It seems like any slight miscalculation is amplified through momentum, the snowball gaining size as it tumbles down the slope.  Perhaps I don’t trust progress made that is not under my own power.  Maybe I just need to learn to surrender to gravity.

I’ve tried to address this shortcoming at various times with varying degrees of success (okay, really with varying degrees of failure), but I have never fully committed to the cause.  My recent work on taming my monkey mind has encourage me to attempt a different approach.  Maybe I need to work to calm my mind before the downhill attempt and focus on breathing throughout.  This is where I struggle, as the inevitable increase in speed on a decent makes me feel as though my mind and breathe must also increase so as to keep up.   My brain doesn’t seem to understand that acceleration due to gravity does not have to apply to breath.

Who knows, maybe one day, I will learn to delight in the respite a downhill can provide. Until then, I think I’ll stick to the bunny slopes and stay low to the ground.

 

 

 

Does Your Past Still Rule Your Life? 6 Questions to Create More Freedom

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It is so easy to become stuck in pain or anger or victimhood.  Are you letting your past dictate your current emotions and state of being?  Although your past helped shape you, it does not define you.  Here are some thoughts to help you leave the past where it belongs – behind you.

Does Your Past Still Rule Your Life? 6 Questions to Create More Freedom.

There’s No Shame in Asking for Help

Posted on by stilllearning2b

"A Helping Hand". 1881 painting by E...

I have always been very independent.  As a very young (and short) child, I would use household objects as tool in order to reach the light switches so that I would not have to depend upon anyone else.  Overall, I believe that this trait has served me well.  Until I got divorced, that is.  Those first few weeks were hell on my body.  I could not eat, causing my already slim frame to waste away to nothing.  My ribs stood out in relief along my back.  My body was racked with tremors, the anxiety too much for mere flesh and bones to contain.  I did not sleep; my body refused to rest.

Those around me encouraged me to try medication.  I resisted.  I was determined to do this alone, without the aid of a pharmacy.  Eventually, my body made the decision for me as days moved into weeks and I saw no improvement.  I ended up with some substantial medication to help me eat and sleep (300 mg Trazadone, if you’re keeping count…and I could still push through that on many nights).  I found peace with my decision to accept pharmaceutical assistance.  Those pills allowed my body to function for the first 8 months.  I let them go when I was able to go solo again.

There is no shame is asking for help.  We accept the fact that those at the at the end of life and those at the beginning of life require assistance, yet we somehow believe that adults should be able to be independent.  Divorce is the death of one life and the infancy of another.  You will need help.

Here are three sources of help you may find you need:

1) Therapy

Depending upon your situation, your prior coping skills, and your support system, you may be in need of therapy.  That is not a sign of weakness or a sign that you are crazy.  You are going through one of the most stressful events that one can endure and you may not be prepared to handle it on your own.  A therapist can be your guide down the road to healing.  Don’t be afraid to try different approaches and different people until you find what works for you.

2) Medication

I had to face the difficult lesson that sometimes you can’t fix your body through sheer will.  Medication may need to be investigated if you are unable to sleep or eat for a significant period or if sadness or anxiety are completely overwhelming.  I know I was afraid of triggering dependency, as I felt that I was in a very vulnerable place.  I discussed this with my doctor and so medications were chosen that were not considered high risk for abuse.

3) Time

Divorce is exhausting.  Adding to that, you have to adapt to your new responsibilities, navigate the court system, and somehow find time to process the whole mess.  This is a time when taking some leave from work is acceptable; your self-work needs to take priority for a while.  If you are parent, ask someone to watch the kids so that you can have some time alone.

It is far better to temporarily suffer the embarrassment and discomfort of asking for help than to permanently suffer in silence.  Ask for a hand, and let it guide you through.

Dulling the Knife’s Edge

Posted on by stilllearning2b

knives serious

When I first felt the raw, unwashed trauma of my divorce, I would direct anger and indignation towards anyone who blithely told me that time heals all wounds.  How foolish they must be, I thought.  They must have never been through any challenges.  How could the mere rotation of a clock hand soften the shock and pain of being utterly betrayed from the inside out?  I scoffed at the notion.

Luckily for me, time continued on, ignorant of my harsh view of it.

The changes were so subtle at first, I did not notice them.  The improvement from one hour to the next too small to be measured.  But it was there nonetheless.

A clock made in Revolutionary France, showing ...
A clock made in Revolutionary France, showing the 10-hour metric clock. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As time continued its relentless linear path, my pain followed suit in an inverse relationship, although in a much more randomized pattern.  I became accustomed to the things causing my discomfort, and so I was not as aware of them.  The pain, once so alien, became familiar and no longer needed attention.  Anniversaries came and went and I survived. I layered memories, replacing painful ones with fresher happier ones. The hardest times occurred with diminishing frequency  and lessening intensity.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I still dismiss the notion that time will heal all wounds; time is no surgeon, ready to excise the malignant past.  However, time does dull the knife’s edge of past traumas, lessening their ability to cause that searing pain, that sharp intake of breath when the blade pierces your heart.  The pain becomes duller, more distant, more manageable.  It’s as though its initial razor edge is dulled by time dragging it through the rocks lining the river of life, new experiences whittling away the once-sharp edge.

River Rocks and Clouds Reflected

While waiting for the blade of your trauma to dull, carry lots of bandages and always be wary of the edge.

Just Breathe

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We have a habit (and, yes, that “we” certainly includes “me”!) of making things more complicated than they actually are.  Check in with your body; is it tight, constricted?  Breathe.  Visit your mind.   Do you feel anger, frustration, fear? Breathe.  Are your thoughts on a trip to the past or perhaps the future?  Breathe and bring them home.  It doesn’t have to be complicated or fancy to work.  Close your eyes, fill your lungs, feeling the chest rise into each nook and cranny.  Let the breath out, feeling your lungs empty completely.  And just breathe.

» Breathe. :zenhabits.

Just breathe

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