Speaking Out: Why Hiding Your Struggles Makes it Worse

Posted on by stilllearning2b
hiding

At this point, the only real regret I have about my first marriage was that I didn’t know.

Not about the financial and sexual infidelity (although it would have been nice to have had some insider information!). And not even about his plan to leave and secure another wife.

I regret that I didn’t know about his struggles with addiction and depression.

Because when it comes down to it, that is the real tragedy.

And unlike the bizarre secret life and the bigamy, hiding battles with addiction and depression* is exceedingly common.

And the consequences of trying to conceal these struggles are far-reaching and often devastating.

*I limit my emphasis here to addiction and depression partly because I believe those are the struggles my ex faced and because those are the two areas that I still witness the most stigma around. These same ideas hold true for most struggles – from weight loss to divorce, from anxiety to dealing with loss. These are the hard parts of the human journey. And they share a common language that we all speak if we’re willing to listen.

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—–

At this point, I can only guess at what happened. At what demons my ex was wrestling with behind closed doors and only witnessed with closed eyes.

I know that he was taught from a young age the skill of hiding. He covered for his father when he was drunk at his son’s birthday party. He created stories to keep classmates away from his house and its concealed secrets. He learned to keep his tears in and his shoulders up.

I knew these things. I saw these things. But I also thought he was different with me. That he could open up. Feel safe. He showed me some secrets. I mistakenly thought he revealed them all.

I learned otherwise when I opened the cupboard doors in the basement after he left. The clutter of empty bottles spoke of another side of my husband. A darker side. A struggling side.

A side he never let me see.

Part of me wonders if is some strange way, by living this other life in secret and then leaving suddenly, he was trying to protect me. Shield me from his shadow-self. He had always seen himself as my guardian.

Or maybe he was too ashamed to reveal his internal conflicts and fears. His concern with his outward appearance and perception increased while his downward spiral accelerated. Ever afraid as being seen as less-than, something he perceived in his own father.

Perhaps he was afraid at the repercussions of speaking out about his problems. I have to admit, I would not have taken it well, especially if it had been hidden for some time. He may have been fearful of my anger. My disappointment. And my own fear.

Or maybe it was more about the fear of being judged by his family. His friends and coworkers. The world. At being distilled down to a single word – “depressed”. Or “addict”. Instead of a singularly complex man.

Conceivably, his depression or addiction had him feeling spun out of control. And so orchestrating his own magic show of misdirection and misinformation became his way of exerting control. Of making the pain somehow a little more bearable. I’m no stranger to that trick.

Of course, he may not even have possessed that level of self-awareness, simply seeking refuge from his pain wherever it could be found. Doubtful that true help could ever be obtained. And instead of seeing himself as struggling in the moment, he may have seen himself as permanently broken. Or maybe he couldn’t even bear to face himself at all.

And that’s the part that breaks my heart.

For him. And for all the others like him that are too stoic or too afraid or too ashamed to speak out.

Because no matter what his reasons were for not speaking out, not reaching out,

Keeping it in only made it worse.

—–

I Don’t Want to Hurt Them

It’s natural to want to shield those we love from excessive pain or ugliness. We care for them. We want the best for them. Even when it’s at the expense of ourselves.

There’s a magical thinking that can occur – if I can only keep this hidden from them, I’ll fix it on my own and everything will be the same. Yet upon reaching that point, things have already changed. For one, it’s impossible to be fully present when you’re presenting with a facade. You’re playacting. And that’s not fair to you or to them. Also, one of the strongest human drives is to be seen and accepted for who we are. And by wearing a mask, you’re isolating yourself.

We all need a human connection. We wither away without affection, attention and connection just as easily as we do without without food. When you make a decision to keep it in out of a sense of obligation, you’re starving yourself of the very sustenance you need to get better.

Furthermore, although you may believe you’re holding this in out of altruism, it’s ultimately a selfish act. You’ve decided that you are the one in control of their reality and you’re guiding it along based on your script alone.And when they find out – and they will eventually find out – the fact that you have kept the truth hidden from them will prompt anger, frustration, sadness and self-doubt.

Truly acting in their best interest occurs when you present them with the facts and allow them to reach their own decisions.

It is not your responsibility to ensure that others never feel pain. It is your responsibility to not willingly inflict needless suffering. And trying too hard to protect somebody often results in the pain magnifying needlessly.

I’m Afraid of Disappointing People

It’s not unusual for those stricken with depression or addiction to be people-pleasers. To want to be liked and often to find their own validation through that of others. And so when depression or addiction, with its inevitable impact on daily life and productivity, rears its ugly head, it can be easy to try to keep it under the covers for fear of letting down those around you.

You don’t want to go from being seen as “the smart one” to “the sad one.” From “the person who is always there for me” to “the person who never shows up.” Or “the responsible one” to “the don’t-trust-them-with-anything one.” And so you keep quiet. Keep the illusion.

Yet, just like you are not responsible for making sure that nobody ever feels pain, you are also not responsible for making others happy. For pleasing them. You do you and don’t worry so much about them.

Witnessing disappointment in the eyes of another is like a reflection of yourself that you have been avoiding. And maybe that’s exactly what you need to face.

I’m Afraid of Being Judged

And sadly, you will be.

By people who don’t understand, who believe that it can never happen to them and that you are somehow “less than” for letting it happen to you. By people that refuse to see you as a person with an illness rather than simply a walking label. By people who believe that strength is found in silence and that you are weak by speaking out. When in reality, their judgment is only because they’re cowardly with facing uncomfortable truths. By people that see depression and addiction as character flaws instead of character-builders. By people that have narrow minds because they are threatened by the inclusion of the unknown. By people that believe that they can control everything in their lives and are not willing to concede otherwise.

You will be judged.

Not because of who you are. But because of who the adjudicators are.

Don’t let them define your life for you. Be stronger than their fears and more forthcoming than their views.

Let them judge. And seek to prove them wrong.

I’m Ashamed of Who I Am

One of the most important things to realize about the illnesses of addiction and depression is that they lie to you. They devise reasons why it’s  imperative that you remain secretive. Not because it’s better for you. But because it’s better for the illness. They grow stronger in the dark, unchecked by outside influence.

They tell you that because you have failed at something, you are a failure. They whisper that you’re hopeless and then feed upon your despair. They convince you that you’re broken, unlovable and that anyone would recoil upon seeing your true nature.

Shame is perhaps the most malignant of human emotions. It is the root of so many bad choices and behaviors as it tries to distract from its own misery while inadvertently feeding it. It is the wound that screams at the sight of the sun, when light is the very thing that will bring healing.

And here’s the thing with shame – it tells you that you are alone in your feelings. When in reality, they are feelings we have all shared. And it’s only upon sharing them that this truth becomes evident.

—–

If you are suffering with addiction or depression currently, speak up and get the support and help you need. There is no shame in asking for help. In fact, recognizing your need for help and being brave enough to ask for it shows your strength. You are not your illness. You are so much more. Begin by refusing to listen to your illness’s orders to keep it hidden. Because that only makes it worse.

If you have suffered from addiction or depression in the past, speak out about your story. Do your part to help remove the stigma and assumptions about mental illness. Silence implies complacency with the status quo. So refuse to be silent. Allow your story to become one of understanding for those with a tendency to judge and one of inspiration for those further behind you. You don’t have to be perfect. In fact, it’s better if you show that you’re not.

If you love someone who is suffering from addiction or depression, speak with compassion. Facing a loved one’s struggles is hard. Accepting that you cannot control their decisions is scary. And setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is an on-going cycle of hope and heartbreak. Understand that they are not doing this to hurt you, they are doing this because they are hurting. So be kind. Both to them and to you. After all, we’re all in this thing together.

For all of you who have spoken out, I respect you and your courage. I hope my former husband has joined your ranks.

Related:

Hurt People Hurt People and the 7 Keys of Conscious Compassion

It’s Nice to be Important

 

Is It Love? The False Dawn of a Rebound Relationship

Posted on by stilllearning2b
rebound relationship

I remember the first time I felt alive again after my husband left-

I was giddy that night, retelling the tale of the improbable day to my friend, my heart standing at attention like a new recruit. My mind was swarming with the possibilities. My body tingled with the memory of touch and trembled at the thought of more. I felt alive, awakened. For twelve amazing hours, I could forget about the pain and the misery and pretend to be healed.

Pretend being the operative word.

Like many people recently out of a serious relationship, I clung to that feeling. It was such a relief after months of drowning in anguish and anger. I wanted more. It was like a drug, damping the pain. That spark awakened my body after the slumber of trauma and survival. I feared my body had forgotten how to feel pleasure much like it had forgotten how to eat. I was relieved to discover that some lessons are not easily forgotten. I relaxed into the respite from my daily struggle with the legal system, as I was still in the gory midst of a malignant divorce. But most of all, I felt hope, optimism that I would be able to trust again. To love again.

I wanted that spark to be real, to be fanned into a full-fledged flame that would continue to burn. But the truth was that I was nowhere near ready. I still relied on medication to get me through the endless nights and to trick my body into eating. I still became overwhelmed by the tears that seemed to sneak up on me. I still responded physically to telling my story and I avoided known triggers like they were land mines ready to explode. I was still learning how to be single; I certainly didn’t yet know how to be partnered again.

I was ready for the idea, but not the reality. I was prepared for the fantasies but not the work. I wanted so desperately to be healed and that spark let me believe, at least for a moment, that I was. But the truth is that the spark was real, but the promises of an easy escape were simply a mirage, glittering temptingly on the horizon.

For several reasons, that spark of attraction never developed into anything resembling a relationship. It was there and then it was gone, gifting me with the desire and confidence to enter the dating scene.

Yet often that’s not the case.

Sometimes that spark is nurtured into flame, lighting up the sky with the false dawn of a rebound relationship.

It can be a beautiful sunrise, warming your soul and becoming a ray of light to guide you out of the darkness of divorce.

And like a sunrise, it’s usually fleeting.

How do you know if it’s love or a rebound?

Follow on the Heels of the End

Rebound relationships follow closely behind the end of another relationship. I’m not a fan of absolutes when it comes to the time needed to heal and process the end of a marriage – it’s too individual and dependent on too many factors. Before you’re ready for love again, you need time to exhale the sadness from your divorce. You need enough distance to gain perspective. And perhaps most importantly, you need to be in a place where you’re not grasping or running away, as neither is a good way to start a healthy relationship.

There’s wisdom in the saying that you have to be okay alone before you can be okay in a relationship. And it takes some time to learn to be okay alone.

Ignite Quickly

These relationships tend to burn hot – an intense attraction that feels overwhelming to your previously deadened self. They can make you feel animated. Exhilarated. Intoxicated. It can create a sense of, “THIS is what I’ve been missing.”

Sometimes real love can ignite quickly. But at some point, it has to settle into a smolder if it’s going to last.

Seems to Solve All Your Problems

Maybe your ex didn’t make you feel appreciated and this new person expresses gratitude for your every breath. Perhaps you felt disconnected and alienated from your former spouse and the new crush makes you feel attached and understood. A rebound relationship often seems to solve all of our problems by replacing one person (who obviously wasn’t a good fit) with one that seems custom-made.

It would be nice if creating a strong relationship was all about finding the “right” person. But that’s only the first step. In order to build and maintain love, you also have to address your own issues and fears and judgments that led you to this place. Nobody is going to save you other than you.

Ignore Inconvenient Truths

If somebody appears to be perfect, they’re either hiding something or you’re ignoring something. Rebound relationships often exist in the world of make believe, built on hopes and dreams. And that’s a weak foundation because at some point, reality will intervene.

Love, on the other hand, sees those flaws and accepts them.

Possess False Intimacy

A couple in a rebound relationship can appear to be very close, extremely connected and intimate. Yet it’s often a false intimacy because neither partner is willing or able to become completely vulnerable. If one person is in a savior role, they are using their position to refrain from feeling emotionally exposed. If one (or both) possess a victim mindset, they are leaving parts of themselves protected.

Love takes intimacy. Intimacy takes vulnerability. And vulnerability takes trust, self-awareness and time.

Creates Disproportionate Pain Upon Ending

Sometimes rebound relationships mature into love. And often they end within a relatively short period of time. And the pain of that ending is frequently disproportionately large to the duration of the relationship. I often have people tell me that the end of the rebound is more painful than the end of the marriage. That happens for several reasons – a loss of hope, a realization that a different and infinitely more difficult path is required and the allowance of the brunt of the pain of the divorce (that was delayed due to the rebound).

—–

Some people advise to avoid rebound relationships. Not bad advice, but often impossible to follow since it’s difficult to see a rebound while you’re surrounded by it.

Instead of striving for complete avoidance, I counsel restraint – don’t rush into any major decisions in a relationship that ignites soon after your divorce. There’s no hurry.

Be honest, with yourself and with your partner, about where you are in the healing process.

Pay attention to your motivations – are you running away from an uncomfortable truth or grasping on to keep from drowning?

Besides, rebound relationships have value – They give you a moment of respite and hope. They highlight want you want in a relationship and what you need to address in yourself before you’re ready. And rebound relationships give you the belief that you’re not broken beyond repair and that you can love and be loved again.

How to Fight Fairly With Your Spouse

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When Brock and I first started getting serious, I was afraid of arguments.

Because I didn’t know how to have them. When it came to marital spats, I was a newbie.

At any sign of discord or disappointment, I would flood with emotion and any chance of rational thinking would be washed away. I responded defensively, viewing any comment as an attack. I was so busy being upset and even more so, scared, that I wasn’t able to listen to what was being said.

I’ve spent the last several years learning how to argue so that when all is said and done, we not only feel better, we have become better. Here’s some of what I have learned (and what I’m still learning):

The purpose of fighting isn’t to be right; the purpose is to be better.

When you’re in the midst of an argument, it’s easy to feel as though you’re on the attack and you’re being attacked. This position easily leads to a “I’m right, you’re wrong” stance.

And that’s always a losing battle.

Because in order for one person to be right, the other has to be wrong.

Unless, that is, the entire situation is turned on its head. And instead of fighting to be right, you both are fighting to be better. To make you better. To make your spouse better. To make the marriage better.

Reframe your argument as attacking a climbing wall together rather than pulling against each other in a tug-of-war. Ideally at the beginning of the conversation or as soon as you’re aware, try to define what the overall goal is, name the mountain you’re trying to scale. You don’t have to agree on an approach yet, just the overall goal.

See the obstacles in the way of the goal as challenges to be overcome. Try to shift from working against each other to working together to problem solve a solution.

Try facing the same direction. It seems silly, but it really does shift the focus from an attack to making forward progress towards a shared aim.

Instead of bringing up perceived slights of your partner, bring up challenges you have successfully tackled together.

And here’s the hard part – when your anger rises, strive to refrain from aiming it at your spouse. Remember, you chose them. Challenges and all.

Throughout the argument, remember that goal is to change the situation or the perspective, not your partner. Commit to every fight being a fight for your marriage.

Accept that your ego will be bruised.

Be willing to say the hard truths. And be willing to hear them as well. Part of a good relationship is calling your partner out on his or BS, which never feels good.

It feels good in the moment to surround yourself with “yes men,” but too many sycophants don’t make you better. They only make you think you’re better by petting your ego. Refuse to let your ego stand in your way.

On the other hand, strive to not take everything personally. Just because it’s directed at you, doesn’t always mean it’s about you.

Whenever you start to feel defensive, pay attention. Defensiveness is telling you that you’re getting close to something that demands attention.

Also, you’ll do well to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. In a heated conversation, the best and most well-intended of us don’t always choose the right words. Sometimes you have to let the words go and focus instead on the meaning behind them.

Compromise is rarely 50-50.

We speak of compromise as meeting half way. Of both people equally giving in and getting their way.

But compromise is defined more by the situation than equal shares.

Sometimes an issue will be more important to one partner than the other. The one who cares more should have more say. Other times there will be other factors that come into play making one viewpoint more easily achieved. And sometimes halfway can be much harder on one person to maintain than the other.

In arguments, it’s best to take the long view. Don’t fight for this moment, fight for all the moments in your marriage that are yet to come. Don’t worry about compromise being equal on this day, ensure that it’s fair overall.

Monitor your and adjust your arousal state (and keep an eye on your partner’s as well).

Have you ever noticed that when your emotions are high, your sight retracts, sounds become distant and your world draws in until it’s difficult to perceive anything outside yourself? Your body may feel hot or you may start to tremble. This is often when the tears or even sobs begin.

When you’re flooded, a fight simply serves as a dam, holding the emotions at their max. The waters of feelings have to be drained before you and your partner will be able to get to the bottom of the issues.

Watch your partner’s state. If they’re flooding, back off. They are not really listening or processing.

Monitor your own emotional state. If you sense that you’re flooding, communicate it, step back and focus on lowering your arousal state through breathing. Or a break.

Break the discussion into bite-sized pieces, but don’t allow an endless buffet.

Some fights take time to digest. Some solutions take time to process. Give them that time. It’s okay to table the argument for a period and then return to it later once both partners have been able to rest and think and relax.

However, be sure to set an end to the argument. A sign that it’s over. And once that benchmark has been reached, lay the fight to rest.

When the conversation is over, don’t neglect your work.

Have you learned some truth about yourself that you need to work on? Have you realized that you are still being influenced by your past? After the argument, take some time to reflect on the lessons embedded within.

View every fight as an opportunity to become closer to your spouse.

And use the time after the fight to nurture that closeness.

And what I am still learning…

 

How To Survive the Misery of a Marital Funk

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It seems like everybody around me has been in a bit of a February funk – irritable, frustrated, glum and prone towards negative spin. The winter, with its seemingly perpetual rain and persistent gray skies has overstayed its welcome. Winter break is a distant memory and summer still feels like the beginning of a Kickstarter campaign – all promise and no substance. And for those of us in education, the anticipation of the upcoming testing season is starting to frazzle the nerves and interrupt the sleep.

I see the foul mood spread, as contagious as the step throat that has also been making the rounds. People snap to judgements and snap at each other. Internal narratives veer into the dramatic and disastrous.

Funk happens.

In life. In schools. And in marriages.

Marriages are not immune to periods of funk. Times when a bad mood is shared and amplified. A few days or weeks when everything seems to fray the nerves. Or fail to excite. When the marriage is down in the dumps.

Funks are inevitable but they are not impenetrable.

With the proper care and attention, there are ways to reduce and shorten the misery of a marital funk.

Recognize it For What it Is

A funk is like fog. When you’re in it, it’s all you see. And it’s easy to assume that it extends forever. But it doesn’t. It’s here now, not forever.

Get Some Rest

A lack of sleep feeds the funk. When you’re tired, everything is irritating and overwhelming. Ensure that you’re getting sufficient rest before you try anything else.

Build Anticipation

Bad moods sense a lack of anticipation and quickly move in and take up residence in the excess mental space. So schedule a smile. Shared is best, but solo will also help to lift the fog.

Amp Up the Movement

When your body is sluggish, your brain is sluggish. Walk, run, dance. It doesn’t matter. Just get moving every day for a minimum of 20 minutes.

Check the Diet

It’s easy to try to eat your bad mood away. Yet it rarely works and often backfires. Check your intake of alcohol, sugar and caffeine. Ensure you’re getting enough nutrients and water.

Get Away

Funks are often associated with a specific environment. So change yours for a few days or even a few hours. A break from your partner can also help provide some needed perspective.

Limit the Spread

If you’re feeling particularly funky, work to release some of the bad mood before you share it with your partner. If your partner is especially foul, work to inoculate yourself through distance or extra self-care.

Revisit the Shared History

Pull up the old pictures together. Take a shared drive through the old neighborhood. Schedule a date at the site of the first shared meal.

Hold Off on the Big Decisions

Don’t let your funk make major decisions for you. It’s notoriously narrow-minded. Table any big decisions until you can see clearly.

Don’t Take it Personally

Bad moods make for bad tempers. Try to not respond defensively or in anger to your partner’s foul mood. And, of course, try not to take yours out on them. Chances are, it’s your doldrums bothering you more than your spouse.

Apologize

If your funk hijacked your tongue and made it say things you didn’t intend, say you’re sorry. And mean it.

Ride the Funk

When you fight it too hard, it tends to fight back. Try moving with it instead.

Be Patient

The tide always turns. Stay with it.

—–

Note: A funk is not the same as depression. A funk is short-lived and doesn’t impede normal life in a significant way. Depression, on the other hand, is longer lasting and its effects are more serious. If you suspect you are depressed, please seek professional assistance.

 

 

How to Move In Together (Without Losing Your Mind)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“What do you think about moving in with me?” The text said, signed by Tiger.

tiger3

“I’m not sure your crate is big enough for two,” I typed back, humor acting as a buffer for my careening emotions.

As I waited for a response, I looked around my space. My space. Really the only time I had an entire place all to myself. I had made it into a sanctuary of sorts. Sparse, yet containing elements that made me feel peaceful and hopeful. Almost every item was purchased post-divorce and so there was a newness. A freshness. A clean slate. An incubator nurturing me back to health.

I thought of Brock’s home. It didn’t have the same sense of peace that I had carefully cultivated in my healing space. And then I thought of Brock. And the potential we had that was really making itself evident in the last few months. Being together was more important than keeping my white slipcover spotless.

As with everything in our relationship, we stepped slowly. Carefully. Intentionally. He first brought up cohabitating in December and my lease didn’t expire until June. We used that time to adjust to the idea and, most importantly, to talk through the anticipated issues ahead of time.

Moving in together is exciting. And it’s also a challenging transition in any relationship. It softens the boundaries between the individuals. It tests the communication and negotiation skills of the pair. The shared walls act as an amplifier of any discord and the removal of their own place to escape to can create panic.

—–

Moving in together can be stressful. Here’s how to do it without losing your mind:

If Possible…

Start fresh. It’s so much easier to build a space together than for one person to try to carve out a niche in the other’s home. Especially if that home holds memories of a former relationship. It allows for less emotional negotiations for space and decor when you’re both opening the boxes. Of course, that’s not always possible.

If Your Partner Is Moving In To Your Space…

A few weeks before I moved in, Brock cleared out his guest bedroom. “This is your space,” he said when I came over later that night, “Paint it and do whatever you want to it.” Before long, the grey walls and the addition of my couch and rug made that space a smaller version of my apartment sanctuary. It was perfect and it was mine.

They are not a guest. And treating them like one will make their stay temporary. Don’t invite somebody to move in until you’re ready to relinquish control over (some) of your home.

Start by clearing out. Designate closet space. Make space for pieces of their furniture.Don’t be stingy – one empty drawer says, “This is my territory and I’m allowing you to encroach on it.” An empty dresser says, “I’m ready to share my life with you.”

Ask what is important to them and work together to try to incorporate it. Allow them to make some changes and imprint their preferences. Even better if you work on same changes together.

Don’t expect them to do things your way. They are not only bringing their clothes, they are bringing their way of living.

If You Are Moving Into Your Partner’s Space…

Communicate, communicate, communicate! Ask what areas they are willing to clear out. Be clear about what you want to bring in. If you want a space that it yours and your alone, make that desire clear.

You are in a tricky situation. If you tiptoe around and try not to leave a mark, you are acting as a guest and not a partner. That mindset will backfire as you feel stifled and unimportant. On the other hand, getting a key does not give you free reign to go all HGTV on the place and reinvent it in your taste. Wait too long to make changes and it will be assumed that you’re okay with the staus quo. Make them too quickly and it will feel aggressive and territorial.

Be patient with your partner; it’s not easy letting go of being the master of your domain. Yet also be clear and consistent about your needs to share the space, not just occupy it.

In both cases of one person moving into an existing home, make a purchase of something for the house together. It can be as small as a throw pillow. But it carries a big message – this is now our home.

If One Person is Messier…

Buy black towels. I found myself frustrated when my largely white IKEA kitchen towels became stained within days of moving in. So I went to Target and dropped $7.99 on a new set of towels, this time in I-can’t-see-the-red-wine-on-them black. And it’s never frustrated me again. Creativity will take you a lot further than criticism.

It’s easy for the neater person to see themselves as superior. To believe that there way is the “right” way and to expect the messier person to shoulder the burden of change. But unless you’re keeping your house show-ready for a sale, there is no “right” way to live. Instead of painting the messier one as wrong, try looking at it from a team perspective – what can we do to meet the needs of both (which in our case, is a monthly house cleaner and separate bathrooms). And be prepared for both people to make some compromises.

If You Have Different Needs for Personal Time and Space…

I see it happen all the time. One person assumes that moving in means that the couple will now share everything. That yours and mine fail to exist and that every minute home is spent together. Meanwhile, the other believes that the current amount of time spent together will persist even when households are merged. One ends up feeling neglected and the other ends up feeling smothered.

We all need different amounts of personal time and space. Often those needs aren’t clearly expressed until cohabitation occurs, since separate homes give plenty of opportunity for retreat. Once moved in, the frustration can build and fights can erupt over the issue.

If you’re the one needing more space, speak up. Make sure you communicate that it’s about your own need to recharge and that it’s not a rejection of your partner. If your partner needs more space, strive to not take it personally and ensure that you are not depending on them for all of your social, emotional and entertainment needs.

If You’re Sharing the Rent or Mortgage…

Don’t make assumptions. They’re dangerous, especially when made up until the bill becomes due. Make sure that the negotiations feel fair to both partners and reflect actual income and personal financial obligations. If you’re the one who insists on a big cable package and your partner is indifferent, that may be your expense to bear. If one person cares more about decor, that may be on their dime.

Figure out how accounts will be managed – completely separate, fully combined or some combination of the two? Are you still thinking about money only from your perspective or are you starting to make and work towards shared financial goals? Is one of you a svaer and one a spender? How will those differences be handled?

Moving in together sets the tone for how you and partner handle finances. In other words, it’s important, especially because fights about money are one of the major causes of divorce. Make sure these conversations happen early and often, even if they’re uncomfortable. I personally love the idea of a weekly, monthly or quarterly “budget meeting,” where expenses are tallied and approaches analyzed. It holds both people accountable and keeps money from becoming a manipulative tactical device.

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Above all, maintain a sense of humor throughout the process. It’s amazing how much easier transition is when you can find ways to laugh about it. And like any transition, it’s hardest at the beginning. Hang in there – it gets easier:)