Who Is This Person? Coming to Terms With Your Ex’s Sudden Coldness

Posted on by stilllearning2b
sudden coldness

We stood in front of the security line of the Atlanta airport. I felt so loved, so safe in the familiar space created between his chest and his arms, listening to his heart beat through his shirt. I teared up a little as I turned away, already missing my husband of sixteen years as soon as the physical contact was broken.

It was supposed to be goodbye for a week.

It turned out to be goodbye forever.

By the next time I saw him, eight months later in the courtroom, he had become a stranger. A forbidding stranger.

In an instant, this man had gone from my protector to my persecutor. My ally to my greatest threat. And instead of professing love, he was waging war.

It was as though a switch had been flipped.

I just couldn’t wrap my head around the seemingly abrupt transformation. Had this malicious man been hiding in my marital bed the entire time? Did he somehow wake up one morning a different person? Or was he always this way and I was finally able to see the truth?

The reality is probably a little bit of all of those.

Self-protection is at the root of behavior.

To begin with, it’s important to remember that at its core, all behaviors are self-protecting. To that end, it made sense for him to play the part of a loving husband while he chose to remain in the picture. This act allowed him to avoid my rage, sadness and disappointment over the reality of his actions.

Once he left, the distance and coldness again protected him from feeling my pain. In essence, by acting as though he didn’t care, he could begin to believe it. A barrier of disassociation. In this view, the switch was flipped more in an effort to prevent pain than in an effort to inflict damage.

For my part, believing in his good-husband routine insulated me from the painful truth during our marriage. I didn’t want to see the deception he was capable of, so I chose to believe in the best of him. And then once he left, a switch was flipped in me. I couldn’t understand how someone I loved (and who I thought loved me) could do those things, so I chose to see him as all-bad. This view, and the distance it provided, served to protect me from further damage to an open heart.

Cognitive dissonance is a powerful force.

Cognitive dissonance happens when somebody’s beliefs about themselves and their behaviors are not in alignment. It is a very uncomfortable position, and so we often strive to change either our actions or our beliefs so that they again line up.

One of the ways that my ex minimized his cognitive dissonance between the conflicting belief of seeing himself as a good person and the action of committing bigamy is by justifying his choices. Over time (and without my knowledge), he had demonized me, both in his mind and to others.This belief then allowed him to act in a cruel and hateful manner towards me while still maintaining his internal integrity.

My own cognitive dissonance was amplified towards the end of the marriage as the belief that my husband was an amazing guy was beginning to be challenged by the cracks in his facade. And then upon the receipt of the text that ended it, the wool was brutally ripped away from my eyes.

And for the first time, I saw him as he was, not as he wanted to be seen.

You can’t see the big picture until all of the pieces have been assembled.

I now believe that the man I married was not the same man I divorced many years later. He changed, significantly and detrimentally, most likely from a combination of addiction and unaddressed childhood trauma.

Yet, even though he was not the cold and calculating man when we wed, that potential was within him. I saw some of the signs and yet I chose to discount them, brush them off as inconsequential.

And it was only later, once he removed his mask and I began to assemble all of the clues, that I could see how it all fit together. Even though the change felt abrupt, it was more a matter of the final piece being slid into place.

Hate is not the opposite of love.

And then there’s this – the opposite of love is not hate. It’s indifference. When we truly don’t care about someone, we don’t expend the energy to make them miserable. When an ex is trying to make your life difficult or attempting to manipulate you, it’s a sign they have not yet let go. And it can also be an indication – albeit an agonizing one – of their own pain.

When you’re facing the brunt of your ex’s coldness and distance, it’s hard to respond with anything but shock, hurt and indignation. Maybe this will help.

 

Guest Blog: The Stages of Recovery From the Women Who Made It

Posted on by stilllearning2b

By Amelia Meyer

 

He always chewed his lip when he knew he was in the wrong and, as I sat across the room, waiting for him to speak, I saw him begin to chew furiously. “What’s wrong?” I thought maybe he’d bought another expensive bicycle with the money we had saved for a trip to England. Nope.

“It’s what you think it is.” Typical, he avoided uttering the words and made it seem like something that was already in my realm of imagination. It wasn’t. But I knew him well enough.

“Cheating?” It’s the only thing I really feared. I barely whispered it, but he heard it loud and clear, nodding.

We had been married for 9.5 years and I had no idea. Unbelievable, yes. Stupid, possibly. But the fact remains. In the weeks that followed, I experienced a type of pain I hadn’t imagined possible and all I kept asking anyone that gave me a few seconds of their time (and some who hadn’t) was, “Will I ever be ok again? How long does it take for this feeling to pass?” I needed to know that I would get out of that deep, black hole and be some kind of normal again.

FamilyToday, I’m a different person. I’m happier, stronger, lighter, calmer. But, over the years since my divorce, I’ve had to go through the motions (and emotions) with friends facing a similar fate. Today, they are at various stages of getting from that dreadful pit to where I am. I want to share their stories and mine as a kind of timeline, a glimpse into what to expect and what just cannot be controlled or changed. Everyone’s story is different – their love and their expectations were different. But, meeting women that have experienced the horror, regardless of where they are on the timeline of healing, does give some peace. It did for me.

MEET D – THE BEGINNING

D is still waiting for her papers, but heard only six weeks ago of her husband’s infidelity. She is still raw, reeling from shock and unable to see the glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. I know D to speak well of her husband always, to build him up in front of friends, and to give of herself to him and their marriage. Then, a few weeks back, he confessed to an affair with his masseuse, a place D had never thought to doubt him. He has moved in with her and her child, leaving D to juggle a world of hurt and betrayal alone.

  1. How do you feel right now?

Intense physical pain. Abandonment.

  1. Was your divorce expected? Why or why not?

Never. He preached loyalty no matter what to everybody who would hear.

  1. What do you remember feeling or thinking first?

Who is this man? I don’t recognize him.

  1. Have you worked through any of the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance)? Where are you at the moment?

Yes, even acceptance. But, sometimes, I catch myself hoping/dreaming that he comes back and says he is sorry and made a mistake. I got so angry that I broke so many things in our house after I moved out. I just walked in there and started breaking stuff. Ornaments, microwave and printer to the floor. He called the cops on me. I just told them that it was my house and my stuff and they let me leave in peace.

  1. How do you feel about your ex right now?

He is an evil stranger who tells people that he is in love with this other woman because I was a terrible wife to him. He has me out of my house, out of my job (I worked for him), but I have chosen to let it go. I cannot allow his actions to eat at me like a cancer.

  1. What has surprised you during the break-up or how have you surprised yourself?

Just how cold and calculated he has planned this. His mother told me she always knew he never loved me. I did not see that.

  1. What goals have you set for the next three months?

Not to make any rash/big decisions. To keep a strict watch on my finances, and to stay ever closer to my God and my congregation.

  1. What has been your time-out when things get too much?

A walk. A bath. A cry on my best friend’s shoulder.

  1. If you knew then (maybe just before he told you) what you do now, what would you do differently?

I would just walk away immediately. Many of the things said and done between us during this time was humiliating to me and robbed me of my dignity.

  1. What advice do you have for others that may be at the beginning of this rough road?

Stay away from the alcohol unless somebody trustworthy has your car keys and your mobile phone, lol.

Continue to read the rest.

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16 Widespread Misconceptions About Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b
misconceptions expectation

If I’m honest with myself, I entered into my first marriage with many of these misconceptions. These beliefs made recognizing and admitting to any cracks in the marriage a proposition too scary to face because any faults would threaten my assumptions.

And I’m not alone in these inflated expectations of marriage. Over time, matrimony has shifted from being an arrangement of mutual practical benefit to carrying the burden of meeting most of our social, emotional and physical needs. Could it be that one of the reasons for the increasing divorce rate is the corresponding rise in our expectations of marriage?

A good marriage begins by understanding what is meant by a “good” marriage, by having a realistic picture of what you can expect from your marriage, your spouse and yourself.

It starts here…

–1–

Idealistic Expectation: Getting to know your spouse happens before marriage.

We are often counseled to wait a specific number of years – usually 2 or 3 – so that we have plenty of time to get to know the person we are about to marry. It is often assumed that once you have seen the person at their best, at their worst and survived a road trip together that there is no mystery left.

Realistic Expectation: Getting to know your spouse is an ongoing process.

In a marriage of any duration, you are effectively married to several people as your spouse changes over time and as you learn more about them. If you believe that you have learned all there is to know about them and you effectively close your eyes and shut your ears to new information, you may just wake one day to discover that you are married to a stranger.

–2–

Idealistic Expectation: I expect my spouse to be my best friend.

I had this expectation of my ex, especially once we moved across the country together. I wanted him to be husband, lover and bestie, all rolled into one neat package.  Expecting your spouse to be best friend is a large burden for them to carry. Furthermore, narrowing your circle of influence is limiting to both you and your partner. It’s one thing to have your partner be a best friend. Something else for them to be your only best friend.

Realistic Expectation: I can expect my spouse to be one of the most important people in my life and to have our relationship occupy a more intimate space than any other relationship. 

It is completely reasonable for you to expect that your spouse is “your person.” They are the one you list as an emergency contact, the first you call with important news and the one you return home to each day. Additionally, it is entirely appropriate for your spouse to be your most emotionally intimate relationship and for there to be more shared with your spouse than anyone else. After all, there is a reason that you cannot be forced to testify against your spouse in court:) That being said, it’s also important to maintain close friendships outside of the marriage.

–3–

Idealistic Expectation: I expect my spouse to never hurt my feelings.

With this expectation, we become primed to take every slight, every cross word, personally. Yet the reality is that ANY two people that spend significant time together will inevitably hurt each other’s feelings. Often unintentionally.

Realistic Expectation: I can expect my spouse to not act out of malice or with an intent to manipulate.

Your marriage should be a safe space, both physically and emotionally. It’s one thing to push your spouse’s buttons at times, and something entirely different to strive to make them feel inferior or rejected. You can enter into marriage with an expectation that your spouse refrains from abusive behavior and that an effort is made to spend more time operating from a place of kindness than of crossness.

–4–

Idealistic Expectation: My spouse should be able to tell when I am upset.

This expectation can lead to a toxic cycle. It begins when one partner becomes upset at the other and responds by actions (for example, withdrawing) rather than words. The initial slight becomes amplified with the belief that the other person should be able to correctly identify the emotional state and even the reason for the reaction.

Realistic Expectation: I can expect that my spouse will take an interest in my general well-being and to make an effort to be observant. 

Your spouse is not a mind reader. It is not fair to expect them to know what you do not say. That being said, it is fair to expect them to care about your emotional and physical state.

–5–

Idealistic Expectation: My spouse and I should have similar interests.

I sometimes get strange looks when I engage in an activity with someone other than my husband. It seems to be assumed that we should accompany each other of any adventure, despite our independent interests. Yet if I dragged my husband to a botanical garden, we would both be miserable. I would rather attend with a plant-minded friend while he tinkers with his Corvette and then we can reunite and share the good feelings that arose independently.

Realistic Expectation: My spouse and I can have similar life goals and beliefs yet achieve those in different ways.

My now-husband and I are both passionate about helping people. I fulfill my altruistic drive by writing; he meets his by teaching people how to fight. On the surface, these activities could not be more different even though they are aligned in their larger meaning. And having separate lives enriches our life toegther.

–6–

Idealistic Expectation: My spouse should be able to meet my needs.

I made the mistake in my first marriage of expecting my husband to help me recenter after a rough day at work. It was effective, but is also handicapped me and my emotional independence. I now find that the more I make sure that my needs for stress reduction and restoration are met apart from my marriage, the better spouse I can be.

Realistic Expectation: I have to take responsibility for making sure my needs are met in an honest and healthy way.

The only time it is appropriate to expect another to meet all of your needs is during infancy. After that, it becomes your responsibility to make sure your requirements are met. It is perfectly reasonable to turn to your spouse for some of your needs. But also ensure that you have other resources that you can turn to.

–7–

Idealistic Expectation: My spouse should never disappoint me.

Disappointments will happen. It doesn’t mean that your partner is evil or doesn’t love you. It means they are human.

Realistic Expectation: Although disappointments are inevitable, I can count on my spouse to not betray me.

There;s a difference between disappointments and betrayals (although sometimes we can treat the minor infractions as major missteps). Betrayals, with their deceptions and intentionality, speak to a lack of integrity.

Continue to read the rest.

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What To Do When You’re “Over It” But It Isn’t Over

Posted on by stilllearning2b
over it

Are you “over it?”

 

“Enough is enough!” my client exclaimed, her frustration and determination both succinctly contained in those words.

It’s a reaction I think we can all relate to. Sometimes life feels like we’re Indiana Jones trapped in that underground room with the walls relentlessly pressing in. At first, we’re responsive. Reactive. We press forward using our hope like a torch lighting the way.

But sometimes life keeps pushing back. And the situation, far from being temporary, begins to feel endless. Even hopeless.

We get tired. Disappointment and aggravation rise as spirits fall. Our mind and body screams for us to tap out, but life isn’t listening.

So what can we do when we’re “over it,” but’s not yet over?

 

Be Mindful of Your Mindset

When we focus on the end, we neglect to be in the present.

When we label something as “bad,” we have tendency to overlook the good. Whatever you nurture, grows.

When we assign happiness and success to external things, we neglect to make the internal changes needed to do better once the external circumstances change.

Take time to recognize, remember and be grateful for the beautiful moments this period has had to offer. And think about how you can cultivate those in the months or years to come.

Be present and mindful in these ongoing moments. Practice letting go of expectations and nurturing acceptance.

Refrain from assigning any magical powers to a new situation. If you want different, be different.

 

Don’t Be a Casualty of a Victim Mindset

When life has you between an elephant and asphalt, it’s easy to throw a pity party and engage in the “why me!” wails. A victimhood mindset is tantalizing. It offers excuses and a respite from responsibility. It often feels good and frequently comes with a generous helping of sympathy and pity.

Yet ultimately, the siren song of victimhood isn’t worth the tradeoff. You’re allowing yourself to be kept in a position of helplessness. Those drawn to you may have a need to be needed and so they have a motivation to keep you needy.  And you can become dependent upon the ministrations of others, forced to constantly up the victim’s cry to maintain support.

 

Appropriate Breaks

When we’re tired, everything feels overwhelming. Your situation may be ongoing, but that doesn’t mean that you have to allow it mental space 24 hours a day. Sometimes when we have this BIG thing in our lives, we feel like we have to honor it with our constant attentions.

What might it look like it if you simply decide to change the channel for a time? It probably won’t make this thing end any sooner, but it probably won’t make it any worse either. Be wary of falling into the trap of waiting to live, of waiting to happy, until it’s over.

This situation may be a big part of your life right now, but it’s not your whole life.

 

Unearth Your Agency

Part of your frustration comes from feeling like you have no control. And there probably is quite a bit going on that you cannot change.

But there are some things you can.

Become your own detective, approach with curiosity and be wary of accepting ideas too readily as facts. What aspects of your situation – or more likely, your response to the circumstances, can you control?

Uncover those areas where you have agency and take responsibility for altering those and navigating them towards the direction you’re going.

 

Mark the Incremental Improvements

If you ran a marathon and only noted the finish line, the race would feel endless and your progress would seem insignificant. If, however, you were aware of every passing mile marker, your headway towards the goal would be readily apparent.

Life is no different. Don’t simply wait for the current circumstances to be over, make an effort to notice the intermediate accomplishments and improvements, no matter how small. No celebration is too big.

 

Funnel Your Frustrations

Being “over it” is a compilation of exhaustion and frustration. Use the latter to fuel you out of the former. That anger has energy that can put to good use. Find somewhere to focus your attention and your efforts that is unrelated to your current situation.

Plant a garden. Restore your deck. Replace your brakes. Sign up for yoga teacher training. Start a book club. Initiate a neighborhood walking club. Train a puppy. Master coding. Or calculus. Or a new language.

The “what” matters little. It’s the effort and attention that will help to lift you from your annoyance and perception of being stuck.

One day, that thing that you’re wanting to end, will.

And in the meantime, get busy living.

 

 

 

Controlling Your Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Part of what makes divorce so difficult is that so much of what is happening around you – and to you – is completely out of your control. It’s scary. It’s crazy-making. It’s infuriating.

And it also doesn’t have to be so bad. Learn how you can control your divorce.