December Reading List

Posted on by stilllearning2b

These are all articles I’ve collected over the last few months that I wanted to share with you. Some are about healing relationships while others are about ending relationships or how to survive once it’s over. Each one holds some nugget of wisdom that is worth passing on.

So pour the coffee, pull up a chair and get your read on:)

 

Are You In a Relationship With An Unavailable Person? 

This article discusses how we often mistake intensity for intimacy and gives twelve signs to look for in your partner (or yourself!) that indicate that somebody has trouble with vulnerability and connection. Read more here.

 

8 Scientific Facts About Successful Marriages

Some of these are obvious. Others, less so. It’s always good to reminded about what makes relationships – not just marriages – work. Read more here.

 

15 Reasons to Date a Martial Artist

Okay, so I married one. So I may be a bit biased:) Many of these are excellent traits in any partner, not just one who trains. Number 6 was especially key to me after the way my ex handled things. Read more here.

 

5 Surefire Ways to Kill a Relationship

I would wager that if you’re being honest, you would recognize at lease one of these patterns in your own relationship repertoire to some extent. If you name it, you can change it. Read more here.

 

35 Ways to Tell If It’s Over, And to Tell Your Partner

Do you want step-by-step instructions on what to do once you start thinking that the relationship has reached its end? You’ve come to the right place. Read more here.

 

3 Keys to Ending a Relationship With Dignity

If you know you want to end it, this post lists three important ideas to keep in mind to ensure a “good” breakup for you and your partner. Surprising, they don’t suggest ending a marriage via text. Read more here.

 

Your Brain is Nagging You. Here Are 5 Ways to Make it Stop.

Many of these I use with my coaching clients to help them limit intrusive thoughts about an ex. If you find that your brain fixates on thoughts you would rather not have, this is for you. Read more here.

Waiting for the Other Shoe

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The hardest part about the way my marriage ended is trying to live without always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I mean, things are great now. Really great.

But things were great before.

Sometimes I wish that my ex had been a jerk to me. I hear about these spouses that put on a good show in public and then belittle and guilt-trip their partners behind closed doors. I read about growing tension in discussions and growing distance in the bedroom. I see couples at dinner barely containing their contempt for each other and eyeing the door for escape. Whenever I used to see or hear about those behaviors, I grew ever more grateful for my husband, who was always gentle, generous, patient and attentive towards me.

But now I feel otherwise.

Because while I was happily wrapped in his arms, he was sliding the blade of betrayal through my ribs. Between intimate conversations, he was spreading horrific tales about me to others. And apparently the attention turned towards me only lasted as long as I was in the room.

If he had been a jerk to me, it would be so much easier now. I would know what to avoid and what warned of a problem. But a covert jerk is difficult to spot.

And that’s what makes me wary about that other shoe.

My rational brain works to calm me. Brock is not my ex. He is direct and faces problems head-on instead of trying to tuck them away. He is naturally loyal and reviles deception. I grow closer to him every day and can now, with certainty, say that I trust him. Plus, he knows if he screwed me over, I’d have to write about it:)

Apart from him, I now trust myself to recognize similar patterns or behaviors that may hint at trouble brewing beneath the surface. I will never be so naive again.

But the rational brain isn’t always the one holding the reigns. And my emotional self keeps looking up, ready to dodge the flying boot.

 

 

 

When To Throw in the Towel on Your Relationship

Posted on by stilllearning2b

In my opinion, one of the best parts of being abandoned is never having to wrestle with the thought of, “Should I stay or should I go?” Or even, “Will he or she stay?” There is no decision to be made about throwing in the towel. Instead, one day, you blindly reach your arm out of the shower only to learn that the towel has been removed while you were busy trying to rinse shampoo out of your eyes.

Read about the other benefits of abandonment.

Ending a relationship is rarely a clear-cut decision. There’s the matter of time invested. And hope for change. And usually the bad parts are at least somewhat offset with some good.

But sometimes a relationship needs to end. It’s a personal choice; one no one else can make for you. I’ve read many lists of when to stick it out and when to call it quits, but I think this one is probably one of the best I’ve come across. Clear and direct for when your thoughts are anything but.

It’s a good guide to help you decide if you should throw in the towel or maybe just add a little more fabric softener next time you throw it in the wash.

The End. The Best Ways to End Relationships According to Science

Posted on by stilllearning2b
the end relationship

Are you wondering how to best end a relationship? Or, have you been left in a particularly bad manner?

 

Apparently there are 7 ways to leave your lover, not 50.

This Psychology Today piece describes 7 ways that relationships end and evaluates them for their impact on the breakee. They explore the relationship between attachment styles (formed in childhood) and the types of leaving that someone may gravitate towards.

It’s interesting, as I was reading, I was picturing these ways of breaking up on a graph, with courage on one axis and self-image on the other, both traits listed for the one doing the leaving.  So, being the math geek that I am, I made a sketch to share with you.

the end

Open confrontation, although the label sounds negative, was rated as the best outcome for the one who was left. It’s clear, upfront and shows a degree of respect for the person. Notice that this method requires a high self-image and a high level of courage. The person leaving needs to face the fear of the discussion and needs to be confident enough to handle any negative blow-back from an angry dumpee.

Having trouble summoning the courage to have a difficult conversation?

The two methods that rated the worst were avoidance and distant/mediated, both characterized by a low level of courage. These are both tactics used by people who did not develop secure attachment styles in childhood. One is favored by those who have a very low self-image and want to protect their fragile egos. Whereas the other is used by those who see themselves as somehow better than their partners. Either way, they are indirect and leave the partner feeling disrespected and disregarded, often with valid questions.

START NOW

I know many of you have faced the tsunami of the pretend-everything-is-normal-and-then-just-disappear kind of breakup. Apparently the researchers didn’t think that it deserved its own category.

Been abandoned? Pros and cons of a disappearing act.

What are your thoughts? What types of breakups have you experienced (from either perspective)? Do you agree with my graphical analysis, or would you place some of them in different areas?

Looking for more guidance?

How to End a Marriage

Should You Divorce? 12 Questions to Consider

Rewriting the End of a Relationship

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We often underestimate the power we have to change our own lives. Even when circumstances resist change, we can alter our perceptions and our responses. This is a piece I wrote for the Good Men Project about reframing the end of a relationship. About seeing the loss in a new light. About taking back the reigns and driving your own life. Read it and be inspired to rewrite the end of your relationship. Because every ending holds the seed to a new beginning.

Let it grow.

 

Rewriting the End of a Relationship

When a relationship ends, it is natural to focus on what is lost, to fully submerge in the heartache and mourn the departed. It is all too easy to become so mired in the sadness that the end of a relationship is extrapolated to mean the end of so much more. But that’s just your wounded heart speaking. And it has a tendency to exaggerate.

The End of a Relationship is Not…Read the rest at the Good Men Project