The Life You Had is Gone

Posted on by stilllearning2b
life gone divorce

“The life you had is gone.”

I would tell myself as a lament and in an attempt to force acceptance.

“You now have the opportunity to create a new life.”

I would continue, in a hope that optimism also operated on the “fake it until you make it” principle.

“You can now build a life you want. A better life.”

I was desperately trying to see the good in the devastation that had become my existence.

“But I don’t want a new life! I want my old life. With my husband. I want our imagined and planned-for future. I want what I had!”

The pain of loss and the fear of starting over challenged my resolution to move forward with the energy of an obstinate child.

I didn’t want anything new. Anything else. Anything different.

I wanted what I had. Or at least, what I thought I had.

When I tried to picture a new life, a life without him, my brain responded with the muscle memory of a comic artist who has drawn only a single character. All I could picture was him. I would see myself older and he, changed as well by the years, would be by my side. Like watching a silent movie, I envisioned the life experiences we would daydream about on long car rides or late nights on the deck. I saw things changing around me – new jobs, new homes, new friends. But always, he was the constant.

Even as I reminded myself that it was gone, I resisted letting go. I wanted what was known. Comfortable. I railed against the unfairness of it. The theft of my dreams among the obliteration of his promises.

“But it’s gone,” I reminded myself throughout these visions. “You’re wasting your energy. Throwing good money after bad.” I became my own drill sergeant. “Move on! Drop it! Let it go!”

“But if I let it go, I have nothing,” I whispered back at myself.

I tried to force a new identity on the man in my life vision, but it was like trying to fit a child’s mask on a grown man – it couldn’t block it all. I tried to blur his face in my mind, to smudge him enough that he could be anyone. If my inner voice and I had been female characters in a movie, we would have surely failed the Bechdel Test because all we talked about was a man.

“It’s gone. It’s gone. It’s gone,” became the words that punctuated my footfalls as I ran countless miles in an attempt to purge him from my body. At night, I filled the pages of my journal with both memories and pleas.

I held no love for the man I battled in court. He was a stranger. A monster. I wept for the man that I thought I wed. I cried for the loss of an illusion. But damn, it sure felt real.

But illusions rarely stand the test of time. Like most apparitions, it began to lose it opacity with time. I started to accept the delusions inherent in the former life I pined for. The old existence with its new blemishes no longer held the familiar appeal.

“I can’t build anything new until I release the old,” I was mouthing as I woke up from a dream. A dream where I was alone. Alone and happy.

“The life you had is gone.”

I reminded myself again. Only this time the words had lost their dreadful weight and were infused with a sense of curiosity.

“The life you had is gone.”

“And I wonder what will come next.”

These Are the Dogs of Our Lives

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I put up a request on my Facebook page last week for people to share pictures of the pets that supported them through divorce. The submissions were equal parts heartwarming and heartbreaking and throughout, it was extremely clear how important our pets are to our mental health. My favorite pictures were the ones that demonstrated the bond between human and animal; some were powerful images that truly captured the connection. It’s amazing how much joy and comfort these dogs, cats, guinea pigs and even a turtle have brought to the darkest days.

Some shared sad stories about losing their pets in the process of divorce. Those were hard to read because that is still the biggest pain I hold from my own spilt.

Nine years ago, my then-husband left the home while I was on a trip. He didn’t send the text that he was leaving (I guess he needs a lesson on verb tenses) until one to two days later. In the meantime, the three dogs and one cat that we had were locked in the basement with insufficient food and water.

If he hadn’t sent that text, I probably would have returned home from my trip to find them deceased. Thankfully, the notice allowed a local – and priceless – friend to check on the animals and ensure they were taken care of until I arrived back home half a day later.

It was a bittersweet reunion with my pack. I loved them so much and yet, as the reality of my precarious situation made itself clear over the next few days, I also knew that I was no longer able to care for them. Damn. Just writing that still brings the tears. I still feel guilt over my inability to fulfill my promises to them. I still turn over the facts in my mind wondering if there was a way that I could have found a space where I could have lived with them and found a way to pay for their needs. The reality of that time was that I was barely able to care for myself (emotionally, physically or financially). It would have been a disaster for all involved if I assumed the responsibility for the well-being of others at that point.

With the tireless help of friends and family, the three dogs found new homes. Good homes. The cat stayed with me in the priceless friend’s guest room. We were refugees together. When she died from complications of old age a few years ago, it was as though a part of me went too.

My canine savior came in later, just after the divorce was finalized. His name was Tiger, a spirited, strong and wise soul tucked inside one hundred pounds of beautiful pit bull. When we met, I was still struggling. I was so scared. Not of him, but of loving and losing again. I was still unable to trust my perceptions and my instincts after years of gaslighting and so I doubted my ability to handle him in public.

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He knew all of this, in the way that dogs do. But he didn’t judge me for it or tell me to get over it. He just stayed by my side, teaching me that he could be trusted. Showing me that I was capable of more than I thought. And giving me unconditional love in a time when I still felt unlovable. He rescued me.

We lost Tiger suddenly and traumatically last fall. It was too soon. Isn’t it always? It was such a hard day, but I’m glad that I could be there for him at the end. It helped with some of the residual guilt from before.

Kazh came into our lives a short time later. It’s been fascinating to see how different I am with him because I’m in such a better place. Tiger was my teacher. Kazh is getting the benefit of those lessons.

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And that’s how it is with our pets. For their brief times, they live beside us through it all. They see the truth behind the picket fences yet withhold judgment, they offer affection when the whole world turns its back and they display a loyalty and fidelity that few humans can match.

They are the dogs (and cats and guinea pigs and turtles) of our lives. Making the good times a little sweeter and helping to guide us through the hard times.

If you have an animal in your life that has helped you through, give them a little kiss of gratitude today. If you’ve lost one, pause for a moment and say, “thank you” for sharing your time with me.

 

 

Love Testing

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Love testing.

It’s one of the reasons that teenagers are difficult to deal with. Before they take the leap out into the adult world, they want the security that comes from knowing that you love them unconditionally. Your words and prior actions are often not sufficient for these temperamental creatures. They want reassurances. They want proof.

Operating below the level of full consciousness, they engage in behaviors and make decisions that they know you disapprove of. They often fail to hide these choices and they may even flaunt them. Of course, some of this is fueled by the teenager’s desire for exploration and their lack of a developed prefrontal cortex.

But that’s not the only motivator.

These undesirable actions are often driven by the teenager’s search for the answer to this question –

“Will you still love even if …”

 

And teenagers aren’t the only ones that engage in love testing. Adults, especially those that have been betrayed or abandoned, can utilize this strategy as well in romantic partnerships. Like the teenagers, these adults are seeking reassurances that the past will not repeated. They are testing the strength of the commitment by weighing it down with  ever-increasing challenges. They want security. Promises. Certainty.

And so they test. Maybe treating their partner with disrespect. Or flirting openly with another person. Or letting the weight begin to comfortably settle around the waist. Or continually breaking up only to pick back up again. Or spending just a little more than was agreed upon. Boundaries are nudged and the reactions observed.

Will you still love if…

There are problems with this approach. Partners are not parents. Their love does have its limits. At some point, the weight tied to the commitment will be too much to bear and their acceptance will be be withdrawn. And that point will inevitably be reached because    no matter how many love tests they’ve passed, until you trust in yourself and your ability to handle whatever may comes, it will never be enough to assuage your insecurity. And regardless of how many transgressions the love survives, there is no such thing as certainty in love.

That’s not to say that love should be welcomed without confirmation. The tests will come naturally over time as life presents you with challenges and obstacles. Take this opportunity to observe how they respond – Do they shut down or shut you out? Do they find refuge in the guise of victimhood and point fingers? Or do they see you as a team and work cooperatively towards resolution or acceptance?

Once we’ve been hurt, we will do anything to avoid being hurt again. But love doesn’t work that way.

As I’ve written before, 

Love is all or none.

If you try to hold it at a distance, you end up pushing it away.

If you attempt to control it, you will inevitably strangle it.

If you build walls and hang back out of a fear of being hurt, you are avoiding the very intimacy that is the foundation of a relationship.

If you punish your new partner for the sins of the old, you are wrapping the new in the cloak of the past.

If you assume that this partner will also hurt you, you are more likely to be hurt again. After all, the dog that you expect to bite often does.

Love is always a risk. Whether you’ve been hurt before or not.

It’s just that those of us who have felt the anguish of an end know exactly what it is we are risking.

And you may decide that it’s not for you. That you’re happier alone and don’t want the risk or the compromises again.

That’s okay. Life is not one size fits all. Tailor your life to your specifications.

But if you do decide you want to let love in, you have to be ready to embrace it. Risks and all.

That ten-foot pole may make you feel safer, but all it’s really doing is keeping love at arm’s length.

Love is all or none.

 

An Open Letter to Those Who Have Been Ghosted by a Partner

Posted on by stilllearning2b
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I see you.

I know that right now you’re feeling insignificant and discarded. I see you standing there in utter shock, struggling to process how everything changed in an instant. The “before” and “after” alternately body slamming you with the brutal reality. I see you because I was you.

I hear you.

I know that you’re frustrated that your voice, your very right to speak, has been taken from you. I hear your silent screams into the void, the endless question of “why” echoing through the fog. I hear your voice because it follows my own.

I understand you.

I know that you’re questioning everything, running every detail through your mind, worrying each strand of memory like a loose thread. I understand the doubts that are starting to creep in, that you’re wondering what clues you may have missed or even believing that you somehow deserved this on some level. I understand you because I was in that same place several years ago.

The pain and confusion you’re experiencing are totally normal reactions to such a complete and total blow and betrayal.

Being abruptly abandoned without explanation is one of the more painful experiences that life can deliver.

And the first thing you need to understand is that leaving in that manner is a reflection of your ex’s character. Not yours. Some may remind you that relationships take two. And this is true. Yet ending it on this jarring note was a decision made without your cooperation. You may experience judgement from others. Try to be patient with them as they truly don’t understand what it’s like. Even loved ones may seem to blame you. This is often because they cannot bear to imagine this happening to them and so they need to try to make some sense of why this happened to you.

Ghosting is cowardly. Instead of having the difficult conversations and potentially seeing you hurt, they chose to run and hide. That is not healthy adult behavior, especially with a relationship of significant depth and duration. It’s not fair to end a relationship this way. It robs you of any opportunity to ask questions, much less eliminates any chance you may have had to fight for the relationship.

After being ghosted, you are haunted by the unknowns. Those endless questions can drive you crazy. Again, I’ve been there and I took that ride for a time. You may get some answers. It could be that they were seeing someone on the side or that they had amassed secrets that they wanted to keep hidden. I know the temptation to hunt for information is strong; however, I encourage you to keep this urge on a leash. Too much obsession over the reasons for their actions will only serve to bring you more misery. They gave you important information about themselves by leaving this way. Ultimately, that matters more than any details.

Are you desperately looking for closure?

If you’re finding yourself stuck by not knowing what happened like an unfinished puzzle with a lost piece, use what you know to fill in the gaps. Craft a story from the facts you have and your knowledge of your ex. You may not get it right. But it doesn’t matter. Our minds fixate on what is missing. Once you fill in those holes, it gives the brain permission to rest. Here are some more ideas on how you can find closure without your ex’s cooperation.

Perhaps the most cruel part of being ghosted is that the residual doubt and uncertainty lingers and follows you into new relationships. You can easily become anxious, desperate not to be blindsided again. And this worry can easily poison your new relationship if you allow it to simmer. It’s important to learn to trust yourself again. It’s possible that you didn’t signs in your other relationship because you were afraid of what they would mean. Trust that you can not only recognize brewing problems but that you can also face whatever may come.

I’m probably getting a little ahead of myself. Right now, you just want to know how to make the pain end. I wish I could wave a magic wand for you and release the anguish you feel. But I can’t. No one can. Not even your ex.

They are gone.

The way they went about it is cowardly and shitty. Yet the end result is the same. They are gone.

They had all the power in how they chose to end things. You have all the power now in how you choose to move forward.

I’m going to interrupt to share with you a little story about ghosts –

When I was six years old, my parents took me to Disney World. I insisted on waiting in the two-hour line for the haunted mansion ride. They indulged me (yes, I am an only child.) As we approached the front of the line, the details of the house and the spooky sounds playing over the speakers began to frighten me. Panicked, I refused to step inside the attraction.

A short time later, I gathered up my courage and decided that I wanted to brave the ride again. My parents again indulged me, only with some well-deserved grumbles this time.

It turned out that I had built those ghosts up to be way bigger and way more powerful than they were. The fear was within me. The story that they would harm me was one that I was telling myself. And when I walked back out into that Florida sunshine, I felt proud of myself that I had faced those ghosts and made it out the other side.

I know this ghost is different. They have hurt you. Deeply. Yet now they are like a projection in that haunted house – the real danger is over. What’s left is the apparition in your mind. And even that will fade as you again walk back into the light.

You will never forget “the one who ran away.” But don’t waste your life chasing after them. They are not worth your time.

Your love and loyalty and energy are better spent on those that deserve it.

And that includes you.

I see you.

I hear you.

I understand you.

And I believe in you.

Lisa

 

Want to learn more about my story when I was abruptly abandoned by my husband after sixteen years?

 

Are you looking for help recovering from being ghosted? 

 

 

Taking Responsibility: How to Tell When It’s Your Stuff to Own

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It can be challenging to determine when something falls on somebody else’s shoulders and when it it is ultimately your responsibility to bear. Here are four ways to tell if it’s your stuff to own –

 

1 – A pattern keeps repeating.

When I first started casually dating post-divorce, I had guys start to pull back after a few days. At first, I brushed it off, lamenting the poor manners and hook-up culture in today’s world. But it kept happening and I eventually admitted that I was the common denominator. With just a brief amount of reflection, I soon embarrassingly realized that they withdrew because I was acting like their wife. Oops. It wasn’t intentional on my part, but since I had been married so long and dated so little, I was an expert in the first arena and a novice in the second. Once I identified the issue, I quickly corrected it and the pattern came to an abrupt halt.

When we repeatedly find ourselves in the same situations or with the same sort of subpar relationships, we often point the finger, blaming anything and everything we can. Yet when the same pattern keeps happening to you, I’m afraid there is a reason and you’re likely the source of it.

 

Here’s your stuff –

Identify any patterns that have a tendency to occur in your life.

Look for the commonalities between the situations and identify how you contribute to the pattern.

Consider how you can alter the pattern. Can you change the antecedent, your behavior or your response?

Enlist the help of a professional, if needed.

 

 

2 – It’s an issue you have now because of something that somebody else did to you.

My ex-husband certainly did not set me up for success with future relationships. By leaving with a text message, he primed me for fearing abandonment going forward and by committing bigamy, he set me up for worrying about future betrayals. Blaming him is futile, as he didn’t seem fazed about the repercussions of his decisions and besides, he couldn’t alter the impact that it had on me. I could also try to shuttle this to my now-husband’s shoulders, dictating his actions because of my past experiences. But not only is that not fair to him, it also won’t undo the damage from my ex.

It’s tempting to state that we need people to treat us a certain way or to do (or not do) certain things because it easily triggers us. And yes, we can (and should) communicate these preferences to others. But ultimately, our responses (or overreactions) are our responsibility because we are the only people that we can control.

 

Here’s your stuff –

Know yourself and your triggers.

Set yourself up for success by avoiding or limiting certain situations until you are able to handle them.

Communicate your preferences clearly yet without expectations.

Actively work to discharge the energy around your triggers.

Refrain from blaming people that come into your life after the event for what happened.

 

3 – It is not something that another person can fix for you.

I stress. Big time. My ex-husband learned how to soothe me when I got worked up when we were teenagers. I grew to depend upon his help to calm down when I would become overwhelmed. And then he left, and I was left stressing even more. When my now-husband came into the picture, I assumed that he would also take on the role of professional stress tamer. He refused, rightly pointing out that managing my stress was ultimately my job. I pouted, but I learned. And the techniques that I have in place now are far more effective than anything that my ex could do for me.

We often try to pass off our unwanted struggles on others. After all, it’s easier if we can outsource the things that we don’t want to get our hands dirty with. Life rarely works that way, however. We can – and should –  ask for help. But all others (including therapists) can do for us is offer guidance, support and encouragement. Ultimately, nothing changes until we do.

 

Here’s your stuff –

Know what you normally struggle with.

Ask for help when you can’t make progress or you are unsure where to begin.

Accept the limits of helping and be prepared to do the heavy lifting.

 

4 – You find yourself complaining about the issue repeatedly.

I used to have a really hard time going back to school at the end of the summer. I would feel the envy rise as I heard about the amazing vacations that other teachers took while I reflected on my time spent working or looking for somebody available to do something with. This happened more years in a row than I would like to admit. Finally, I realized that the other teacher’s trip weren’t likely to change and neither was my financial status. But I could still shift my summer focus from work to adventure-on-a-budget. And now, when I return, I hear others exclaim over my summer stories and pictures.

We all can fall into pattern of complaining. It’s easy and it can also feel productive since we are actually doing something (even if that something is only moving our mouths). There are two possibilities with the issue you’re complaining about. Either it’s out of your control and so you need to change your mindset or it’s something you can change and it’s time to get busy.

 

Here’s your stuff –

Be aware of the issues or situations that you frequently complain about.

Release any defensiveness around the issue; it’s only holding you back.

Identify if the issue is within your locus of control or not.

If you cannot change the situation, reframe how you view it.

If you do have some influence, come up with (and initiate) an action plan.

 

Related: What If it IS Your Circus and They ARE Your Monkeys?