Is My Reaction to Divorce Normal?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The following was shared on my Facebook page recently-

“Some days I feel like I got the grief period beat and then something will happen and I catch myself crying.”

I responded in part, “That up and down is completely normal. The hurt will fade in time. Just keep your focus on where you want to be.”

“Thank you!!! It helps to hear the up and down is normal because I didn’t know what was going on.”

 

It’s amazing how much added pain comes from questioning our reaction to a situation and how reassuring it can be to discover that what we feared was “crazy” is instead completely normal and expected.

The reality is that for most of us, divorce is something we only experience once. So most people navigating the end of a marriage are crossing a scary and unfamiliar terrain. And because the experience of divorce is so much more intense and complex than you ever imagined, those held in its grasp always want to know that their experience falls within the range of “normal.”

The following reactions to divorce are completely normal:

Emotional Soup

I often hear people reference the five stages of grief in their divorce and they’ll announce what stage they currently occupy. But it’s not that simple. This construct is a helpful tool for understanding a reaction to a loss, but reality is much messier than five clearly defined stages. I like to refer to the state after divorce as emotional soup – a mix of every emotion you can imagine. And on some days, the anger will be the prominent flavor whereas the next day may be seasoned with despair. The emotions can be surprisingly intense and may stay for awhile or may suddenly appear and disappear just as quickly.

Ups and Downs

Healing after divorce is a nonlinear process. It’s not even two steps forward and one back. It’s more one step forward, a detour around to the right followed by entrapment in quicksand and a wrong turn that leads you back to where you started. Only now you know how to avoid the quicksand.

It’s completely normal to have a series of good days, where you’re feeling optimistic and confident, only to be followed by a day when it all seems impossible and you feel like the most worthless person on the planet. Instead of attempting to measure your progress by the day, take a broader view to map how far you’ve come.

Post-Divorce Mania

Post-divorce mania is characterized by an increase in energy accompanied by an intensity of focus. It’s a compelling drive, a sense of being propelled by an internal motor that refuses to idle. It often has an obsessive quality, focusing on one thing to the exclusion of all else. It can attach itself to something related to divorce (like with an overwhelming interest in discovering everything possible about the affair partner) or it can take the form of some other passion (I can’t even count how many people I met running a marathon that were experiencing post-divorce mania!).

 

Post-divorce mania is initiated by a fear of slowing down and feeling too much. It’s maintained because its compulsive nature feeds our dopamine receptors, keeping us coming back for more. It’s a side effect of the need for action, the gas pedal to the floor and the steering misaligned.

 

Over Reactions and Triggers

 I once had a breakdown in front of the sparkling water display in a Publix. Not my proudest moment, but one that I now embrace as completely ordinary after divorce. The brain has a way of tucking certain memories away for later consumption, smartly realizing that an emotional binge can have devastating results. Then these feelings can be released in a sudden torrent of tears triggered by the most mundane of things.

Memory and Cognition Issues

Your brain won’t function correctly for a time. You’ll forget things, have trouble making basic connections and struggle to form new memories. You may feel slow and sluggish in areas where you once excelled.

Your previous levels of functioning will return. In the meantime, Google, sticky notes and a calculator are your best friends.

Extreme Reactions to Dating

I will never forget the day after my divorce when I looked around the gym and suddenly realized there were men. Everywhere. And I was free to pursue any of them that were unclaimed. I was like a kid in a candy store for a time (yes, part of that post-divorce mania here!).

Others find they have the opposite response to dating – the very thought makes their stomach turn and they can’t imagine ever seeing someone new.

Both responses are normal and, in time, tend to move towards a more balanced approach.

Strong Response to the Ex Getting Married

Whether this news comes years down the road or, as in my case, before your divorce even occurs, the announcement of your ex’s nuptials will probably hit you much harder than you anticipated. It can make early feelings of rejection and loss resurface and it often triggers a sense of, “That should have been me.” It’s not easy to witness their apparent happiness when you’re still aching from the loss.

Although this reaction is intense, it tends to be brief. The last of the bubbles of your marriage floating to the surface before they dissipate in your growing new life.

Taking “Too Long” to Move On

Comparison is your enemy here. You see social media posts of your recently friends seemingly “over it” while you still cry yourself to sleep. You discover that your neighbor remarried after two years and you can’t even imagine going on a coffee date. You worry that you’re doing this divorce thing wrong since it seems like everyone else has a much easier time of it.

First, realize that you only see what others choose to show you. Fun Facebook photos and late-night crying jags are not mutually exclusive. They may appear to have moved on, but their reality could be much more complicated.

And then there is the very real fact that every person is different, every divorce unique. Here are twenty factors that strongly influence your personal divorce experience. Read them and remember that healing does not speak calendar.

A Final Note…

All of these reactions are normal. Yet, normal can become pathological if it persists for a protracted period of time or swells to a point where it severely impacts your ability to function. It’s also completely normal to need help during divorce. Ask for it when you need it.

How to Remove the Emotion When Dealing With a Difficult Ex

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Some people end up friends with their exes.

Some people are able to successfully navigate their way into a companionate coparenting or business relationship with their spouse.

And others have an ex from you-know-where that continues to cause pain and wreak havoc long after the divorce.

Sometimes you can go no-contact and excise the malignancy.

But what can you do if you can’t remove your ex from your life but you still want to remove the emotions from the interactions? You may be stuck with them, but you don’t have to be stuck with how they make you feel.  Here are 11 ways that you can find emotional distance from a difficult ex.

 

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How to Take the Emotion Out of Dealing With a Difficult Ex

 

Even though my ex husband left my life, he left his impact behind in the form of tens of thousands of dollars of debt that fell on me to repay. Every month when I had to make those payments, I felt like all of the emotional progress I had made was washed away. I would grow angry, fearful and despondent all over again as I was forced to face the ugly reality. It wasn’t physical contact with him, but it was a monthly appointment with his presence that I was required to keep.

It’s one of the more common dilemmas faced by my coaching clients: “I’m doing great and then I have to see my ex and I feel like I’m back to square one.” Some are like me and have been left cleaning up the mess their exes left behind. They have to find a way to balance their responsibilities with their emotional wellbeing. For others, they have children and regular contact is required for the sake of establishing some sort of co-parenting relationship. So for them, the question becomes one of maintaining the children’s relationship with the other parent without sacrificing yourself in the process.

 

Rename and Reframe

When you see your ex, your brain floods with memories of who they were to you. Perhaps you remember the halcyon early days or the pain you felt when you discovered that they had been unfaithful. You’re viewing them through the lens of a spouse, a partner, and remembering the ways that they failed you in that role.

Those memories carry a powerful emotional punch. A punch that leaves you winded and spinning. So take a step back. That person on your doorstep is no longer the one who held you and then hurt you; they are simply your children’s other parent.  You can even label them this way in your phone’s contact list.

 

Pay Attention to Your Physical Sensations

Does your breath become more rapid and shallow when you hear your ex’s car pull into the driveway? Maybe you can feel the prickle of rage run down your back when you see their name show up on your phone. For me, any reminder of the financial mess caused a physical sensation of nausea and panic.

Simply by being attuned to these sensations helps to keep them from running amok. Be aware of how your body responds even if you feel like you can’t alter it at this point. Label the sensations with non-judgment – “Oh, my hands are sweaty and trembling.”

 

Ask Yourself, “Why Does This Still Bother Me?”

Name your feelings and trace their roots. You are no longer married to this person, so why are their words and behaviors still able to trigger you? You may be dealing with some unresolved pain from the divorce. Or maybe this activated some long-buried childhood wound. And sometimes the response is merely one of habit, reacting in the way to which you have become accustomed.

Regardless of the reasons, one of the best ways to deactivate a trigger is to dig into it to remove its power source. Spend some time with a therapist, your journal or a trusted companion and explore why you’re still responding so strongly.

 

Bookend the Contact With Positive Activity

Contact with the ex has the potential to ruin several days if you allow it. There’s the building anxiety leading up to the contact, the actual confrontation and then the recovery period.

In order to limit the effects to the actual contact, bookend the encounter with positive and engrossing activity to help distract you before and shift you out after. Limit the amount of time and energy available for anxiety and rumination.

 

Practice Mindfulness

Begin some sort of mindfulness training to help you find your inner calm regardless of what is happening in your world. Meditation often talks about learning to view the storm through the window instead of being in the storm. You cannot control the rain, but you can learn to find some distance from its impact.

Mindfulness is also powerful because it trains you to accept what you cannot control and teaches you how to have mastery over your breath and to some extent, your thoughts.

 

Rehearse Your Responses

If your ex has a tendency to push your buttons in search of a response, take some time to rehearse what you are going to say ahead of time. Practice this with somebody else or in front of a mirror. Repeat it until it becomes rote, devoid of emotion.

You cannot keep them from poking at you, but you can refuse to engage. Having a pat, non-emotional response is a great first step.

 

Don’t Be Their “Person”

Some exes still look to their former spouses to have their emotional needs met. I even know of people who turn to their ex partner when they are having difficulties with the person they left the marriage for! It can be difficult after divorce to transition into the new, more distant, roles after years of being a team.

If your former spouse is turning to you for emotional support and advice, inform them that you cannot fulfill that role anymore. It is no longer your responsibility to be their shoulder to cry on or their sympathetic ear.

 

Temporary Outsourcing

There are times when any contact is simply too painful to contemplate. Be creative – are you able to outsource any of this to automation or to a third party? Be aware that this approach is a bandaid, a temporary breather so that you have the time and space needed to create the necessary emotional distance.

 

Don’t Take Their Behavior Personally 

Whether your ex is a malignant narcissist seeking their own gains without consideration or a lost and wounded soul who can’t seem to get themselves together, their actions say way more about them then they indicate about you. So don’t take their words or behaviors personally.

If they are generally a bad person, remind yourself that this is simply their approach to everyone. If they are struggling, find a place of detached empathy for them and seek to understand the motivations behind their words or actions.

 

Gratitude 

This was my greatest tool in the years I was a prisoner to the debt my ex left behind. After every check written, every bill paid, every debt collector spoken to, I would add an item to a list of something that I was grateful for that I would not have had without the divorce.

It’s easy to focus solely on the bad in the situation, to allow the negativity to flood out your senses. By taking the time to force yourself to list the positive effects, you’re expanding your perspective and training your brain to look for the sun behind the clouds.

 

Find Your Power

In high school, I picked up the sport of fencing. At the beginning, I excelled in the drills but fell apart in the bouts when my opponents actually had the audacity to attack me.

“You know what they’re going to do,” my coach hollered at me one day from the sideline, “So why do keep reacting the same way that allows them to score a point?”

And he was right. I knew the moves my opponent was going to attempt. I had no control over their attacks. But I could lunge out of the path of their blade or parry differently so that they lost their opportunity.

It changed my view of the bouts. I was no longer focused on what my opponent was going to do to me. Instead, I learned and practiced how to responds differently so that their attacks landed less frequently and with less force.

One of the hardest parts of divorce is the overwhelming feeling of powerlessness that comes with it. And when you’re allowing your ex to dictate your moods and responses, you’re giving your power away.

Take back your power. Take back your life.

 

The Side Effect of Divorce That Nobody Talks About (And What To Do About It)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I bet you’re tired. Actually, I would guess that you’re exhausted. That the mere thought of opening the latest letter from the lawyer seems to call for more energy than you can summon and there is hardly enough motivation to get through the day, much less build a new life.

You’re not alone.

In fact, fatigue is an extremely common side effect of divorce. And yet nobody seems to talk about it.

Why Are You Exhausted?

The Legal Proceedings

I joked with my mom during my divorce that I had garnered enough experience to get a job as a paralegal. I was only half kidding. Even the most amicable divorce can turn into a part-time job as you assemble the necessary documentation and negotiate the details. And since most of us can’t quit our day jobs to tackle the demands of divorce, the legal process inevitably wears us out.

Emotional Processing

If you spent the day clearing trees from your land and cutting them into firewood, would be surprised at your level of exhaustion at the end of the day? Probably not. During divorce, you’re engaging in that level of emotional exertion as you face and process the emotions brought forth by the end of a marriage. Even though you don’t have the sore muscles to show for it, you’re doing a lot of heavy lifting.

Slack in Self-Care

In the first few months during my divorce, most of my calories came from Cheetos and frozen waffles. Your comfort food of choice may be different, but I bet that your diet has recently suffered. Nutrition, exercise and sleep are all important to our overall energy levels and they all have tendency to fall by the wayside during divorce.

Establishing New Patterns and Habits 

What takes more effort – completing a common task at work or performing a new and unfamiliar assignment? During divorce, very little of your life is rote and routine and almost everything is unknown and un-mastered. The brain requires more energy to lay down new neural pathways than to simply follow well-worn patterns.

 

Fighting the Un-fightable

How much time do you spend wanting things to be different? Do those thoughts change anything? It’s exhausting when you’re fighting against something that you cannot change. And yet, during divorce, we all do it.

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How to Overcome Exhaustion

 

Attend to the Physical

It all starts by taking care of your body. Make sure to add sufficient fruits, vegetables and protein to your Cheetos and waffles diet. Make sleep a priority. Find some form of movement that feels good to you right now and do it. Yes, exercise takes energy. But it also creates it.

 

Prepare For a Marathon

No, not a literal marathon (unless that appeals to you!), but a metaphorical one. The entire divorce process will most likely take more than a year. It’s not a sprint. If you start out too fast, you’ll most likely burn out before the end. Conserve your energy, take it slow and steady. Adjust your expectations as needed and make sure you have some people on the sidelines cheering you on.

 

Know Thyself

Are you an extrovert that feeds off the energy of those around you or are you an introvert, needing time alone to recharge? Whatever your personal orientation, take care to honor it. Take the time to identify the ways that you recharge and then make plugging in a priority.

 

Be Engaged 

When we’re exhausted, it’s easy to collapse and refrain from getting up. This creates a negative feedback loop, inertia keeping you disengaged and compounding your fatigue. Make a concerted effort to play an active role in your life. Let inertia work for you, motivating you to keep going.

 

Embrace Starting Over 

Starting over does require effort. And it also can create excitement (just think of the beginning of a new school year!). Capitalize on the latter by focusing on the areas that you can control. Recognize the opportunity inherent in beginnings. Put at least as much energy into creating the new as you do into dissembling the old.

 

When to Seek Help?

 

Sleeping Too Much or Not Enough

After a week of spending the entire night sitting on the edge of my bed, I knew that I needed help. Medication allowed me to get the rest I needed so that I could attend to the rest of the healing process. If you’re not sleeping or you’re sleeping too much, see a doctor. Help is available.

 

New Physical Symptoms

Mental stress can affect the body in myriad ways. In my case, the intense emotional trauma and severe lack of calories led to severe muscle tissue breakdown, which required medical intervention. Pay attention to your body and get checked out if something seems off.

 

Persistent Feelings of Hopelessness 

Exhaustion can be a sign of depression. If the fatigue resists your efforts or is accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and defeatism, make an appointment with a mental health professional. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

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The Good News…

 

Much of what you’re experiencing is temporary. The legal process will eventually be finalized. New habits and patterns will be established and able to be performed with little effort. The emotional onslaughts will be fewer and further between and you’ll get better at addressing them.

Yes, you’re exhausted. But it’s not permanent and it’s not fatal.

It’s simply the price of transformation.

 

How Being Cheated On Impacts Your Next Relationship

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s not fair.

That instead of following the promise to have and to hold, your spouse made the decision to crumple up and throw away those vows. That your partner chose to forsake you in the pursuit of others. That your other half replaced intimacy with lies and betrayal, eroding the marriage from within.

And now you’re left dealing with the consequences of those choices.

It’s not fair.

You’re angry that you’ve been put in this position and maybe even wondering if relationships are worth the potential pain. You’re worried that you may struggle to trust again and that if you do, betrayal may find you yet again. You’re embarrassed that you were defrauded and you doubt your own perceptions and choices. You’re tired of being the responsible one, the one who cleans up the mess that is left behind.

And it’s not fair.

The unfortunate fact is that your partner’s infidelity not only impacted your marriage, it will also continue to impact you moving forward. The good news is that with awareness and intention on your part, you can limit and even learn to benefit from some of that influence.

And it all starts with recognizing the impacted that being cheated on has on your next relationship.

Trust is Replaced With Doubt

Most people confide that the realization of the ongoing deception was the most painful part of being cheated on. It’s so difficult to integrate what you now know about your partner with what you thought you knew.

At the minimum, lies of omission were carefully maintained in an attempt to conceal the truth of the affair. Half-truths were delivered and excuses offered up in order to buy opportunity for indiscretion. As a result, you now have trouble taking people at their word. Is he really staying late at the office, or is that just the story you’re being fed?

It’s easy to get carried away with truth-finding, veering into the dangerous territory of obsessive snooping and interrogation, punishing a new partner for the sins of the old. It’s natural to want to control things. To pursue lies like a cat hunting down its prey. Yet the reality is that no amount of searching will uncover everything and that operating from a place of assuming deception will ruin everything. There’s a balance that must be reached between trusting everything and believing nothing. And you reach that point, you will be miserable in every new relationship and you will make your partner miserable as well.

In the worst cases of infidelity, gaslighting tactics were used against you, causing you to have trouble trusting even the most basic of perceptions. Gaslighting is a type of emotional abuse where careful and crafty manipulations are used to make you doubt your sanity and your observations. The impact of gaslighting is more persistent and more nefarious than that of the garden-variety lie because your trust issues are less with others and more with yourself. Recovering from this type of abuse takes time, persistence and a constant awareness of its impact.

Finding the Sweet Spot Between Naiveté and Panic

Insecurity Can Run Wild 

You thought your partner had your back when instead they were cheating behind it. You expected your spouse to be there for you only to discover they were trying to free themselves of you. When the affair came to light, you felt powerless. Worthless as you concluded that somehow you weren’t enough for your spouse. Your partner made the decision to have an affair and all you can do is react as your marriage slips out of your hands.

And the natural reaction when we lose our grip is to grasp even tighter.

It’s not unusual for those that have been cheated upon to smother their new relationships. It can be an attractant at first. After all, you doesn’t like to receive attention? However, the insecurity behind those actions will eventually make itself clear and have the unintended consequence of pushing people away.

Insecurity can also lead to an uptick in perfectionist and people-pleasing qualities in an effort to be the “perfect partner” and to avoid future infidelity. Those strategies will also backfire as they have a tendency to slide into resentment or martyrdom.

The remedy for insecurity isn’t found in holding tighter or in the illusion of perfection. Security is found within, in trusting yourself, your instincts and your decisions. When you seek validation outside of yourself, you will never find it. When you find validation within yourself, you will never lose it.

Defenses Are Fortified

“I will never allow myself to be hurt like that again!”

I get it. The pain of betrayal is so piercing. So all-encompassing that all you want is for the agony to end and to never take the risk of feeling it again.

And so you build walls. Allow people in, but only so far. You rationalize your choices by claiming that they are smart. Prudent. That when you went all-in before it was out of a foolishness of youth.

You may find that when discord does strike, you have a sudden and intense impulse to cut your losses and end the relationship. You’d rather be the one leaving rather than again being the one left behind.

It’s tempting to try to build a relationship in such a way to mitigate risk. But relationships don’t work that way. Without vulnerability, there is no chance of connection. Of intimacy. Of all of the things that make love worthwhile.

Responsibility May be Shifted

Are you caught up in blaming the other woman for seducing your hapless husband? Or are you convinced that your wife’s flaws are the reason for the affair and that if you have a different partner that all of the problems will disappear?

There is a temptation to believe that if we just had the right partner, that infidelity will be held at bay. There is an instinctual reaction to lay all of the blame at the feet of the betrayer and their affair partner(s) while avoiding the difficult work of looking within.

While you are by no means responsible for your partner’s transgressions, the truth is that an affair is a wake up call that you shouldn’t sleep through. Maybe you need to work on your own courage and assertiveness so that future problems can be addressed rather than swept away. You may realize that you had been inadvertently abandoning the marriage by directing all your attention to work or to children.

At the very least, reflect on why you chose this person and/or chose to stay with this person who responded to difficulty or discontent with dishonesty. Were you afraid of being alone? Did you feel unworthy of someone better? Were you operating on fairytales and blind hope?

This is important work and work that cannot be outsourced to another. Ultimately, you and you alone are responsible for your happiness and well-being no matter your relationship status.

Taking Responsibility: How to Tell When It’s Your Stuff to Own

 

Confidence is Built

At first, your confidence will most likely take a hit. Especially if you feel as though you were traded in for a younger/prettier/smarter/richer model. But in time? As you begin to conquer obstacles that once seemed insurmountable and you realize that you are stronger than you ever imagined?

You start to trust that you can handle anything that crosses your path.

That newfound confidence will impact your next relationship. Those on the dating scene that are looking for malleable and controllable partners will pass you by. You will begin to see your worth and seek out those that see it too.

You are no longer afraid of being alone. You enter and maintain relationships out of desire to be paired rather than a fear of being solitary. You are less likely to stay in a toxic relationship and have more courage to address issues in a strained one.

That’s not to say that you will never flounder, never fear. You will. But following that slide will be a little whisper from the back of your mind, “You have been through so much and survived. You can handle this.” And that little voice is right.

How Conquering Divorce Gives You Confidence

Acceptance is Reached

Love is all or none.

If you try to hold it at a distance, you end up pushing it away.

If you attempt to control it, you will inevitably strangle it.

If you build walls and hang back out of a fear of being hurt, you are avoiding the very intimacy that is the foundation of a relationship.

If you punish your new partner for the sins of the old, you are wrapping the new in the cloak of the past.

If you assume that this partner will also hurt you, you are more likely to be hurt again. After all, the dog that you expect to bite often does.

Love is always a risk. Whether you’ve been hurt before or not.

It’s just that those of us who have felt the anguish of betrayal know exactly what it is we are risking.

And you may decide that it’s not for you. That you’re happier alone and don’t want the risk or the compromises again.

That’s okay. Life is not one size fits all. Tailor your life to your specifications.

But if you do decide you want to let love in, you have to be ready to embrace it. Risks and all.

10 Things People Who Thrive After Divorce DON’T Do!

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We’re accustomed to hearing information and advice about what we should do after divorce. But what about those things that are better avoided if we want to eventually find or create a better life after divorce? Here are ten things that people that thrive don’tdo:

1 – People who thrive after divorce refuse to pretend they’re okay.

 

It’s partly a knee-jerk reaction and partly an effort to present our best selves to the world when we respond to “How are you?” with “Fine.” Sometimes, perhaps most of the time, this response is sufficient and mostly accurate. Divorce is not one of those times.

During divorce, most of us experience the extremes of emotions all tumbling within our bruised hearts at any given moment. And it’s easier to say, “Fine.” than to admit to the paralyzing fear that we will never find love again. It’s less scary to pretend to be okay than to confront the fear that we’re really not coping very well. In a time when our esteem has already taken a beating, we want to appear as confident and capable. Even if it’s just an illusion.

Pretending to be okay often feels like you’re doing others a favor. Yet you’re protecting them at the expense of yourself. The problem with pretending to be okay is that it prevents you from receiving the help you may need and the limited vulnerability promotes loneliness as you avoid true intimacy with others.

Those who thrive will admit to themselves and others when they’re not okay. They will give themselves the time and space to heal and they will accept assistance from others. Becoming okay often begins by accepting when you’re not.

Playing Make-Believe With Your Healing Progress

 

2 – People who thrive after divorce don’t take themselves too seriously.

 

Divorce is serious business. It has a significant and powerful effect on those affected, from a loss of vitality and financial security to difficulty functioning and the stress of major loss and transition. It requires consistent effort and attention and money to survive the shift from married to single.  And it’s easy to become overburdened with the responsibilities or to become consumed with the impact the split will have on the children.

Those who thrive after divorce don’t neglect their duties or minimize the consequences of the end of the marriage, yet they also manage to find the comedy within the tragedy. Whether by taking advantage of a lighthearted moment or using dark humor to poke fun at a horrific situation, they allow the smiles to shine alongside their tears.

Humor not only allows for play and respite, refraining from taking yourself too seriously also helps you to forgive yourself for your stumbles and missteps as you’re learning how to be in this new and topsy-turvy world. When you can laugh at yourself, it’s a great reminder that you have the power to interpret what happens to you.

 

3 – People who thrive after divorce don’t follow rigid rules.

 

“Don’t date for at least a year after divorce.”

“You should always try for mediation instead of going to court.”

“Never talk about your divorce at work.”

It seems the rules for how we are “supposed” to manage life after divorce are endless. There are rigid social guidelines for everything from how to leave your spouse to how (and when) to meet the next one. Some of the advice is good, some of it excellent. Much of it comes from years of experience and even research.

Yet none of that matters if the advice isn’t right for you.

Many of us seek guidance after divorce. Lost, confused and overwhelmed, we’re looking for somebody to tell us exactly what to do and what steps to take to make it through. It’s great to learn from others and gain from the shared wisdom of experience. And it’s even better when you process that advice through your own beliefs and needs and shape it into something that makes sense for you.

Those that thrive after divorce are open to counsel, yet they refuse to follow rules just for the sake of following rules. They listen, they learn, they reflect and then they do what feels right for them.

 

4 – People who thrive after divorce refrain from becoming bound by their revenge fantasies.

 

Some ex-spouses are pretty terrible people or at least they behave in some terrible ways before, during and after divorce. And when we’re hurt, it’s tempting to strike back in anger and frustration. The mind becomes a fertile playground for revenge fantasies suitable for a Hollywood script.

The mental vengeance can feel purgative and empowering, restoring a sense of balance and fairness while releasing some of the vitriol. We want the ex to suffer so that they can know the pain they inflicted on us. We want them to be miserable because it seems a fitting consequence for their malevolence. We scan their pictures with their new partner looking for signs of unhappiness or carefully dissect their words looking for cracks in the happy façade.

Those who thrive after divorce are certainly no saints. Their minds still entertain these dark and vindictive thoughts. Yet they refrain from getting too caught up in their need for revenge or their desire to see consequences fall upon their ex.

The thrivers understand that by giving too space to these negative thoughts, they are preventing themselves from moving forward. Instead of worrying about what their ex is doing, they strive to turn their energy towards creating a life that they enjoy.

How to Move Forward When You Still Want Revenge

 

5- People who thrive after divorce avoid leaving their divorce unframed.

 

When divorce happens, it often feels messy and unrestrained. It presents as the disruption of everything normal and a destroyer of lives. It may have felt inevitable like a slowly rising tide or it may have presented as a tsunami, wiping out your life in a single catastrophic event.

Regardless of the presentation, your early efforts are focused on survival. On simply making it through the one day and onto the next. It’s tempting to refrain from looking back upon the destruction of the divorce.

Yet that’s exactly what those who thrive do. After they’ve made it through the survival stage, the thrivers consider the entire divorce experience and decide what purpose it will serve in their lives. They take that catastrophe and they frame it as an experience that has allowed them to learn, to grow or to help others. They find the purpose within the pain and surround their experience with gratitude for its unexpected gifts.

 

6 – People who thrive after divorce refuse to turn their narrative into a reality show.

 

In the world of television drama, conflict is celebrated, everyone is forced into a narrow mold of “hero” or “villain” and stories follow predictable arcs towards resolution.

Life is not television.

We have become so accustomed to fictional and manipulated narratives that we often expect our lives to follow a similar path. We focus on the sordid details, welcoming the excitement and drama even as we realize that it makes us feel ill in the process. We all-too-easily cast our exes (and maybe their new partners) as narcissists or monsters. And we expect that life should be a series of events worthy of airtime.

Instead of seeking drama, those that thrive after divorce avoid the secret thrill that comes from digging into the dirt because they are well-aware of the negative aftereffects. They recognize that their ex is human and fallible and so are they. Resolution is viewed less as, “The end” and more as “The next step.” In place of stirring up drama, they strive to find a place of detached compassion.

 

7 – People who thrive after divorce don’t treat their children as pawns or victims.

 

It can be tempting to use the children as an implement of control or power when your ex is being difficult or unreasonable. Within the court system, the kids are often treated like the fake rabbits used in dog racing, so that the parents keep shoveling money into their respective attorney’s pockets. In the worst of cases, one parent badmouths the other in front of the kids in an attempt to win favor and turn the children against their parent.

On the other end of the spectrum, some families focus so much on the effect that the divorce has on the children that they unintentionally promote a feeling of victimhood in their offspring. The kids begin to feel as though they are broken and need to be protected. The parents, feeling guilty, overindulge and overprotect their kids.

In thriving families, the impact on the kids is mitigated wherever possible and it is also not magnified. The children are allowed to express their feelings and are also encouraged to not be limited by them. Those that thrive help their kids without enabling them and they accept the impact of the divorce without marinating in guilt.

 

8 – People who thrive after divorce abstain from catastrophizing a bad day.

 

During divorce, we are often living on the razor edge of a breakdown and it doesn’t take much to push us off the narrow edge of getting by and being okay-ish. Those are the bad days, when the brunt of responsibility collides with a lack of rest and the seemingly insurmountable weight of grief.

Those who thrive experience those bad days just as frequently as anyone else. They have those moments when it all feels impossible and nothing seems like it’s working in their favor. The difference is in the narrative surrounding the misery. People who are struggling often generalize their unhappiness, allowing a “bad day” to become a “bad life” like a newly-dyed burgundy sheet transferring its pigment to the rest of the laundry.

In contrast, those who thrive create boundaries around the terrible times. They may whither under the gloom of a bad day, but they also know that tomorrow may again bring the sun. They use language to communicate these walls, avoiding all-encompassing words such as “always” and “never” and clarifying that the current misery, no matter how bad, is always transitory.

 

9 – People who thrive after divorce refrain from making the divorce the most important thing in their life.

 

The stress of divorce is ranked as higher than that of imprisonment, major injury and even the loss of a family member. There is no doubt that divorce is a major event in one’s life, a dividing line between “before” and “after.”

Divorce changes you. Its tears wash away any remaining naiveté you carried into adulthood. It forces you to summon courage you never knew you had and to face fears that always seemed too big to name. It allows doubt to creep in and makes you accept the harder truths of life and its inevitable loss.

Without a doubt, divorce has a major influence on you.

Yet it does not have to define you.

Those that thrive see their divorces as one of a series of events that have shaped them, helped them grow. They acknowledge its impact. Yet they also refuse to build a shrine around it, elevating its importance.

The thrivers live with their eulogies in mind – focusing more on their life purpose and their lasting impact than on the series of milestones they have moved through.

 

10 – People who thrive after divorce don’t give up.

 

Even those that thrive don’t thrive every day.

They just refuse to give up.

Not Every Day is a Good Day. Show Up Anyway. 

Are you struggling to thrive after divorce?

Check out my comprehensive Thriving After Divorce course on Udemy. 

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Give yourself the gift of moving on. You’re worth it!