Softness Isn’t Just for Selling Tissues

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I was a toddler, I used to try to walk through the sliding glass door.  Repeatedly.  The coffee table was simply an apparition that should bend to my will and allow me passage.  Even the bulk of the couch was no match for my will; I assumed that it too could be bested if I tried long enough and hard enough.

As I approached adulthood and learned about the states of matter,I realized that my chances of walking through solids were pretty slim.  However, this did little to temper my will and stubbornness.  These traits saw me through many challenges in my life; I succeeded because I refused to give up.  I worked to make myself stronger, both physically and emotionally to see me through the challenges that life had to offer.  I had perseverance and reliance in droves.

It wasn’t enough. At least not for the long run.

My strength got me through the early days and months of my divorce.  I looked to my fortitude to help me push through what seemed like insurmountable obstacles.

Then, one day, I realized the external obstacles were gone.  All that was left were my interior barriers, and try as I might, I couldn’t simply lower my head and barrel through them.  This was not a  time for strength.

I found  wisdom in the teachings of yoga and meditation, areas that I had been exploring, sensing that they could counter my natural strengths and bring me more into balance.  In yoga, you are taught to find your edge, accept your edge, explore your edge (not to pretend it is not there and continue forward nonetheless, as  I was wont to do).  Pain is not something to  be denied, rather it should be acknowledged and  investigated.  I learned to recognize my edge and slowly, softly shift it.  I became more comfortable just being with the pain, softening my attitude towards it.  The process of healing from the trauma made me softer, and that in turn made me stronger and more whole.

Strength found its balance in softness.  The two together are so much more powerful than each alone.  Try as I might, I still can’t walk through furniture, though.

Where Is He Now?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I share my story, one of the most frequent questions I get is, “Where is he now?”  I don’t know the answer to that question. Here is what I do know.

From the day he left in July of 2009 until the divorce in 2010, I kept tabs on him.  I had my ways.   From this, I learned that his wife, who left him upon his arrest, elected to take him back (I even knew when she had dental work done).  I knew he spent time at his parent’s house in our hometown.  He visited his wife’s family.  I knew the newlyweds went to Uganda in February of 2010.  If you’re looking for a laugh, try telling your divorce attorney that your husband is in Africa with his wife (showering with monkeys, according to her blog) weeks before his court date.  Based upon the look on her face, I don’t think she gets that one much…  I kept up with him over those months because his actions still affected me.  He still could harm me financially; his presence in court could change the outcome, and I was still afraid of running into him.

The last day I checked on his where-a-bouts was the day after the divorce.  I figure at this point, his story is no longer tied to mine, and I don’t want to live my life trying to figure out what he is doing.  This decision has not always been easy.  He has not upheld his financial or legal obligations in the divorce, with the IRS, or in the felony bigamy charge.  There are times that I am so angry, that I want to find him and try to make him face these issues.  The reality is that I don’t want to be his bounty hunter, even if it means I never get the money owed me.

There are also times that curiosity tries to get the best of me.  Is he alive or dead?  In the country or an ex-pat?  Still with the wife?  Living in the same area where I might run into him? These are just questions that I really don’t need to know the answer to.  Right now, all I have is the hope that wherever he is, he is not lying, manipulating, and devastating anyone else.  The only place he exists for me is in my memories and that is where I want him to stay.

More Information: Who Is He?

Update: A Strange Place to Be

Update April 2013: Facing the Dragon

To read the rest of the story, click here.

Anger is a Succubus

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Anger.   It is so easy to go there.  To stay there.

Why did he do this to me?  How could he have done these things? What a (fill in the blank with your favorite expletive)!

That anger is a succubus; she’ll draw you in, tempting you, and then slowly suck you dry, leaving you brittle while the object of the anger remains untouched.  Anger leaves you in a victim state, powerless.  It is only by releasing this anger that you can take your own reigns from the soul-sucking creature and chart your path.

Take yourself out of the object in the sentences above and make yourself the subject.  What can I do to make my life better?  What can I do now that these things have happened.  Okay, so maybe the expletives can still stand.  They certainly have their place, after all:)  That shifts the power back to you.

Not that it is easy. I still slide back into anger when I have to deal with the financial fallout of my ex-husband’s years of manipulations and deceptions.  Try staying calm when you are faced with paying the bill for the wedding rings used to marry another while you are still betrothed.  Any luck?  Yeah, me neither.

The anger has been the hardest to let go of, even more than sadness. However, I refuse to let that succubus feed off me any longer.

Here are  some of my strategies for moving beyond anger.

Anger Deflation

Practicing What I Preach

Radical Gratitude

Forgiveness 101

Writing Through Divorce

What has helped you?  Are you still angry?

How It Began

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My own divorce story began in 2009 when I received a surprise text after 10 years of marriage that my husband was leaving.  That text was the last contact I ever had from him.  Over the next few weeks and months, I struggled to make sense of what happened.  It turned out that the reality was even stranger and more horrific than I could have ever imagined.  I found evidence of years of lies and deception, found empty bank accounts and overfilled unknown credit cards, and I saw evidence of another woman.  Further sleuthing uncovered the shocking revelation that he married this other woman 6 days after he left me, thus committing felony bigamy.  I found myself catapulted into a world of police, lawyers, psychiatrists, and media, trying to find my bearings.  One of the worst aspects of those early days was the feeling that he had stolen my voice my refusing to communicate with me.  I will be silent no more.

My marriage began with vows, vows to love and cherish him.  My marriage also ended with vows, vows made to myself.  I promised to thrive despite the pain, I committed to working to find balance in my life, I vowed to move beyond anger and revenge, and I pledged to use my voice to help others find wellness after trauma.

I have learned many lessons from the end of my marriage, and I am still learning.

You can read my entire story in my book Lessons From the End of a Marriage, available on Amazon.

The Day the Marriage Died

Where is He Now?

The First Tears of the New Year

When is a Phone More Than a Phone?

Wanted: The Ronald McDonald House for the Recently Separated

Dear Ms. Manners: The etiquette of Bigamy

If You’re Going to Get married Illegally, Be Sure to Pay the Band

Two Years Ago Today