Advice

Don’t Practice the Perfect

Posted on May 5, 2012March 6, 2024 by stilllearning2b

As an algebra teacher, I spend much of my day pushing kids beyond what they think they are capable. To no one’s surprise, I am often met with resistance. They would rather practice addition rather than polynomials. They want to practice the perfect.

In the example of algebra students, it is easy to see the absurdity of practicing something one has already mastered to the exclusion of learning something new. However, it is often not so clear in our own lives how frequently we gravitate towards the known rather than explore the edge and delve into the unknown and unmastered. If always do what you know, you will never know anything else. This clicked for me one day in the gym (shocker, I know) when I immediately walked towards the free weights. Again. That was my comfort zone; that was where I knew what I was I doing. Free weights are awesome, but I was slighting myself by not trying anything else. I made a promise to myself to try at least one new exercise machine each visit or try one new move with free weights. And, you know what, I now have added to my “mastered” repertoire and discovered new favorites. If it wasn’t for trying new things, my “I can’t, won’t and I’ll never” list wouldn’t exist and my life would be much duller.

It is comfortable to practice the perfected and scary to be vulnerable by trying something new. We often make excuses, promising to practice something once we improve at it. Think about that. That is like saying I meditate because I have a calm mind, rather than I meditate to have a calm mind. Or, I’m not flexible enough to do yoga, rather than I do yoga to become flexible. Just rearranging those few words entirely shifts the focus and intent of the practice. Th only way to improve is to practice the imperfect.

We often need a push, either internal or external, to delve into the new. Start by being honest with yourself about how you stay in your comfort zone. Then, make a committment to grow in one or more areas. If it helps, try picturing your algebra teacher pushing you along the way:)

Here are some suggestions to help you break out of practicing the perfect:

-Surround yourself with people that have knowledge and interests that differ from yours.

-Sign up for a class. The YMCA and park services usually offer some low-cost and low-committment classes.

-Take suggestions from or just spend time with a kid; they’re usually fearless when it comes to trying new experiences.

-If you’re concerned about trying a new class, start with a similar version designed for the elderly. The welcoming environment and shared wisdom will immediately put you at ease.

-Find someone who can struggle through with you. My students benefit from seeing others in the same boat.

-Find a way to record your progress along the way. Seeing improvement is a huge motivator.

It’s time to stop practicing addition and move on to something that will challenge you to grow. And, no, it doesn’t have to be polynomials.

What Words Were Spoken?

Posted on May 4, 2012March 6, 2024 by stilllearning2b

I stumbled across this article this morning and found familiar words. My husband left me a letter than contained many of the same excuses. I think it can be helpful to realize that these words are often not meant to be taken personally, rather they are the platitudes spoken to try to excuse the behavior and pass along the shame and guilt. These are not words to internalize and let fester, rather, these are words to let slide through and let go.

What Cheating Men Really Mean When They Say They’re Leaving | First Wives World.

Men – I would love to hear from you. Are these words similar to those spoken by cheating wives?

We Are More Malleable Than We Realize

Posted on May 3, 2012May 20, 2013 by stilllearning2b

I was in a gifted pull-out program in middle school. My teacher decided to administer an inventory to determine where each of us fell on a left-brain (analytical, math) / right-brain (creative,language) scale. Someone who was perfectly balanced (do these people exist?) would secure of score of 0. Right-brain folks would be assigned positive numbers, and left-brained, negative. Once we all had our scores, she had us line up along the board in order of our scores, leaving spaces where there were no students with the indicated number. The entire class fit alongside the front of the room, with one boy straddling the door frame of the trailer classroom. I was in the parking lot.

The rest of the class had scores within 10 points of center. I was a 32. A number which screams, “Danger! Danger! This person will not be able to function in adulthood. She will be fully consumed with creative endeavors and will have her head so high in the clouds her feet won’t touch the ground.”

So, as you would expect, I became a math teacher.

Okay, so it wasn’t really that simple. I was born with that extreme right brain and my early childhood nurtured it, as I was encouraged to participate in all sorts of deliciously creative endeavors. Once I entered school, I realized that I would have to change in order to be successful in this new environment (I also had a people-pleaser, perfectionistic streak or I probably would have stayed with the finger paints). I began to adapt. I learned how to exist in a left-brained world. The better I got at it, the more I was drawn to math (after almost failing Algebra II, I might add). It didn’t fully cement until college. The pendulum swung the other way and I fully embraced the world on the other side of that middle school line.

We are more malleable than we ever think we are. We develop mental pictures of ourselves from a very early age, formed by our experiences and our encounters. It is then so easy to live within those confines, to fully buy-in to those early mental constructs. But we don’t have to.

In order to become more malleable, it is first necessary to soften. Just as the thermostat helps the body reach that goal in hot yoga, applying warmth to your life helps to make your brain more malleable. Practice acceptance. Find support. Be still and silence the inner critic. Try to avoid the influence of the cold, as it only serves to make one more brittle. Picture yourself basking in the sun, the heat softening you and allowing you to assume any form you wish, not limited by any prior assumptions.

And, you never know, you just might become a math teacher.

There’s No Shame in Asking for Help

Posted on May 2, 2012May 20, 2013 by stilllearning2b

I have always been very independent. As a very young (and short) child, I would use household objects as tool in order to reach the light switches so that I would not have to depend upon anyone else. Overall, I believe that this trait has served me well. Until I got divorced, that is. Those first few weeks were hell on my body. I could not eat, causing my already slim frame to waste away to nothing. My ribs stood out in relief along my back. My body was racked with tremors, the anxiety too much for mere flesh and bones to contain. I did not sleep; my body refused to rest.

Those around me encouraged me to try medication. I resisted. I was determined to do this alone, without the aid of a pharmacy. Eventually, my body made the decision for me as days moved into weeks and I saw no improvement. I ended up with some substantial medication to help me eat and sleep (300 mg Trazadone, if you’re keeping count…and I could still push through that on many nights). I found peace with my decision to accept pharmaceutical assistance. Those pills allowed my body to function for the first 8 months. I let them go when I was able to go solo again.

There is no shame is asking for help. We accept the fact that those at the at the end of life and those at the beginning of life require assistance, yet we somehow believe that adults should be able to be independent. Divorce is the death of one life and the infancy of another. You will need help.

Here are three sources of help you may find you need:

1) Therapy

Depending upon your situation, your prior coping skills, and your support system, you may be in need of therapy. That is not a sign of weakness or a sign that you are crazy. You are going through one of the most stressful events that one can endure and you may not be prepared to handle it on your own. A therapist can be your guide down the road to healing. Don’t be afraid to try different approaches and different people until you find what works for you.

2) Medication

I had to face the difficult lesson that sometimes you can’t fix your body through sheer will. Medication may need to be investigated if you are unable to sleep or eat for a significant period or if sadness or anxiety are completely overwhelming. I know I was afraid of triggering dependency, as I felt that I was in a very vulnerable place. I discussed this with my doctor and so medications were chosen that were not considered high risk for abuse.

3) Time

Divorce is exhausting. Adding to that, you have to adapt to your new responsibilities, navigate the court system, and somehow find time to process the whole mess. This is a time when taking some leave from work is acceptable; your self-work needs to take priority for a while. If you are parent, ask someone to watch the kids so that you can have some time alone.

It is far better to temporarily suffer the embarrassment and discomfort of asking for help than to permanently suffer in silence. Ask for a hand, and let it guide you through.

Why I Became a Tough Mudder

Posted on April 29, 2012May 20, 2013 by stilllearning2b

When I told my family last year that I had signed up (and paid good money) for an 11 mile obstacle run, I think their first response was to shuffle through their contacts looking for the psychiatrist I saw in the early months of the divorce. “You’re doing WHAT? Why?,” I heard repeatedly, usually followed with a resigned head shake, “You’re crazy.” Crazy I may be, but I felt compelled to do the event and I am so glad that I did. Tough Mudder was more to me than a run.

A few months after the July disaster of my marriage, I signed up for my very first race ever: a half marathon. This was a bit preemptive, since not only had I never competed, I still was weak and skinny. I went into that race only having completed the distance once before. That was the worst race of my life (cold, rain, illness), but I endured and made it through. It was exactly the confidence boost I needed at that point.

Over the next several months, I ran more races, but none of them required me to dig all that deep into myself. None of them gave me the sense of triumph over adversity that I was seeking.

Then came Mudder. My boyfriend was the one who actually found this race and he proposed that we enter together. I loved the idea immediately. With a shared purpose, we hit the gym with renewed vigor and not a little trepidation.

The event itself was unbelievable. It turned out that it was slated to be held in a dry county, so the money that normally went towards beer instead paid for a longer track – almost 15 miles up and down (did I mention up?) a motocross track. The temperature was cold, and the water obstacles were colder, as volunteers emptied flats of ice into the streams.

It was an amazing challenge for my boyfriend and I to tackle together. It gave a true sense of working together and overcoming adversity. My other races had been alone; it was beautiful to have someone to share this with. It helped me learn to trust him, learn that he was not going to abandon me when the going got tough. We pushed each other, encouraged each other, lifted each other, and even shared some muddy, sweaty kisses. It was amazing.

I think everyone, especially those re-centering after trauma, should do their own version of Tough Mudder. Something that pushes you further than you comfortably want to go. Something to show you what you can accomplish. Something to show you that discomfort is temporary. Something to show you that the support of friends can help get you through when you want to quit. When the big picture of what you have to overcome is too big, it helps to have a little Mudder to think back on and realize, “I can do this.”

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