Wasted

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“I’ve wasted half my life,” I wailed to my friend from my spot curled up against the doorframe on her checkered kitchen floor.

She turned from loading the dishwasher, “Don’t ever say that. Nothing is ever a waste.”

At that time, I certainly didn’t agree with her. After all, I had just realized that some or all of the past sixteen years had been a lie. I learned that the man I pledged everything to had been manipulating and conning me. I was in the process of losing everything I worked so hard for – from the house to the savings to even the dogs.

I felt defeated.

It was not unlike spending money and time anticipating a lavish vacation only to come down with the stomach flu upon arrival. Only this vacation spanned the better part of two decades and wiped out more than just my appetite.

I wondered how I would ever come to terms with squandering sixteen years. After all, I could rebuild my finances, find a new home and even a new husband, but time was one thing I could never get back.

I gave most of my teenage years and all of my twenties to this man.

Years that now felt wasted. Opportunities passed by and paths never taken.

I felt like I had been led blindly down a dead-end road. A worthless journey to nowhere.

I grew angry, blaming him for stealing my years. My youth. My potential.

I wrote scathing words in my journal about the unfairness of it all, the pointed tip of my pen slashing through the pages. I spent hours crying about the loss, not only of the future, but of my past.

One night, the sobs suddenly stopped and as my breath hitched down to normal, I realized that these hours spent mourning the “what ifs” were the real waste. Not the years I spent living, even if it that life ended.

In that moment, curled in a fetal position on the worn and tear-stained flannel sheets in my friend’s spare bedroom, I vowed to not waste any more time thinking about what could have been. I promised myself that I would never again view those years as wasted.

 

Because nothing is every wasted is ever wasted if we enjoyed it in the moment.

Nothing is ever wasted if we learn and grow from the experience.

And nothing is wasted because it helps shape who we are today.

 

To see those years as wasted was really a reflection of how I saw myself after the piercing pain of rejection.

But those years weren’t worthless and neither was I.

Those moments may not have been deposited into the life I expected, but they turned out to be an investment into an even better future.

 

Choosing to see those years as anything-but-wasted was a gift of forgiveness to myself. I made the best choices I could have at the time. And now I know better and I choose better.

And I choose to make sure to live a life that I will never feel wasted.

Taking a Test Drive and the Allure of New Beginnings

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I test drove a new car today.

It was shiny and unblemished next to my worn and pockmarked almost-sixteen-year-old car. Its pristine surfaces spoke not of its past but whispered of its future.

This was a car that has never disappointed me. Never failed to start or stuttered to a stop. No red flags have ever lit its dash. Whereas my car is sullied by my memories of its betrayals, this car has not earned a reputation of any kind.

And not only had this car not disappointed me, I had not done any damage to it, unlike my car with its scraped rear end from a misguided back-up attempt and its interior covered with mud and dog hair. You see, I have long since stopped putting any energy into my car. And it shows.

But this new car is different.

It suggests a fresh start. A clean slate.

It has the allure of promise and the taste of potential.

It’s enough to make me recoil from my old car, the mostly-faithful machine that has carried me through my entire adult life. I know her; I can drive her without a thought, every button and pedal activated by years of muscle memory. But as the years have advanced, I’ve grown tired of her. I’ve let her go and then poked fun at her grubby appearance. I’ve started to focus on when she lets me down rather than the 130,000 miles she has carried me without complaint. I grow frustrated at her nonfunctional trunk and laugh at the antennae that looks to be in need of a hearty dose of Viagra.

And, of course, the new car only seems so great because we have only shown each other our best sides. It has not yet revealed its little annoyances and shortcomings and I have not presented it with sweaty limbs after a run or a muddy dog after a hike. Everything is great when it is only possibility.

Because even though I test drove a new car today, I was really test driving a new life.

I liked the image of myself behind the wheel in the shiny, new vehicle. You see, I’ve grown embarrassed to be seen with the old and unkempt one. The new car felt like a better reflection of me. I enjoyed the fact that this car had no memories, no past. No baggage. It was as though I could start fresh just by buying a new vehicle. I made the promise to keep up with new one, to attend to dirt and grime along with the recommended oil changes and tire rotations.

New is intoxicating.

And not just for cars.

Our relationships can take on a sense of dissatisfaction just as easily as an old car. Any relationship that has traveled the miles will carry the marks of past fights or disappointments. An established relationship reminds you of your shortcomings and your mistakes. If you fail to take care of your marriage, it will show its age just as with any vehicle.

The hint of a new relationship is just as alluring as the pull of a new car. It’s why people so often leave established relationships for someone they just met. The routine spouse cannot compete against the shiny new showroom model that is full of promise and potential. A new partner does not yet know anything we choose not to reveal; we can pretend to be the airbrushed versions of ourselves. The everyday is replaced with the excitement of the unfamiliar.

It’s hard to compete against beginnings.

They hold a special power. They allow us to dream and explore, often through a land of make-believe.

Because the thing about beginnings is that they cannot last. Just as that new car loses value as its driven off the lot, a new affair loses its luster as soon as the blinding dust of lust has dispersed and reality intrudes into fantasy. The strength of the appeal of the new is found in its novelty. And nothing stays novel for long.

I test drove a new car today. But then I returned home to my old (usually) faithful with the commitment of having her oil changed this weekend followed by a good cleaning. Because sometimes the best thing you can do is ignore the lure of the new and take care of what you have.

At least until she leaves me stranded again. At which point, I’ll set her up with my mechanic and run off with a new model. I can only take so much:)

 

Confirmation Bias in Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Election season has now reached a fervent peak around the country. My weekly runs take me by countless yards with campaign signs stabbed in their soil as though the occupants are laying claim to virgin land. The radio ads cause whiplash, with one party’s claims following the other, blaring rhetoric in an attempt to sway votes at the last minute.

There’s a reason that political campaigns are so heavy-handed and in-your-face. They are up against an enormous hurdle in their attempt to change our minds.

The politicians are trying to overcome our confirmation bias.

Confirmation bias is an innate trait that we all possess to varying degrees. It states that we have a tendency to seek out information that corroborates our beliefs. It says that we are rarely neutral researchers in life, rather we form hypotheses and then seek out confirmation that our conclusions are correct.

In other words, we look for proof that our opinions are true and we actively ignore or discredit information that threatens our beliefs.

In the political arena, we gravitate towards legislators that echo our conclusions about civic matters. We support those that tell us that we are right and those that threaten our views are often met with intense disdain.

But confirmation bias doesn’t just exist in the poll booths. It’s everywhere. It’s one of the reasons that scientific papers are peer reviewed. It contributes to teachers not grading their own students’ high stake tests. It influences dating when we gravitate towards those that reflect back our own principles. If we believe we are fat, we see the flesh above the waistline; if we believe we are skinny, we focus on the exposed bone structure. It’s why we respond differently to someone wearing a suit than someone whose underwear is exposed above sagging jeans. Bias is behind the success of optical illusions and Hollywood movies. Bias is everywhere.

We see what we want to see.

Confirmation bias is powerful. Even with relatively mundane matters, it still drives down to our core self. Our egos don’t like to be told they’re wrong. Confirmation bias can lead to elaborate choreography to try to shore up our beliefs and the construction of huge blinders to avoid the recognition of anything that threatens our opinions.

Part of the power of confirmation bias is our inability to recognize it. Countless studies have demonstrated that even when people protest that they are acting without bias, that they still gravitate towards confirming information. It operates below our level of cognition and influences every encounter.

So what does confirmation bias have to do with marriage?

Everything.

Because you have a mental construct of your marriage. Of your spouse. Of your relationship and roles. And whether you are aware of it or not, you seek information that substantiates these conclusions while ignoring data that doesn’t align.

It’s one of the reasons that people (myself included) can be blindsided by divorce or infidelity. We believe that our spouse is trustworthy, and we are biased towards evidence that supports our belief. Because if we allow ourselves to see the other data, it not only threatens our view of our spouse, but also of ourselves. After all, if we were wrong about that, what else might we be wrong about?

It’s a slippery slope that’s scary to tread. So we don’t.

We see what we want to see.

Confirmation bias in marriage can also work the other way. If a spouse has concluded that the marriage is garbage or his or her partner is awful, evidence will be mounted to substantiate the claim. One episode of nagging or stonewalling will be added to the tally, while days or months of good behavior is tacitly ignored as a case is built against the spouse.

We see what we want to see.

Given that confirmation bias is innate and subconscious, can we learn to be nonpartisan in our views of the world? Can we learn to see what is and not only what we believe?

Yes and no.

The biggest weapon against confirmation bias is the knowledge that it exists and the acceptance that you are not immune to its siren’s call. Because when you find yourself defensively proclaiming that you have considered all of the information, it’s a good sign that you haven’t. In fact, the more emotional you are about a situation, the more likely it is that confirmation bias is present. Strive to release the ego that says that you can’t be controlled by bias and you will be more likely to recognize its influence.

Confirmation bias also helps to regulate fear. It provides an illusion of certainty and predictability. In order to consider other views, you first have to be willing to let go of the security blanket your bias provides. It comes down to trusting in your own strength and resiliency.

Welcome situations that provide new perspectives. Observe loved ones in interactions with new people or circumstances and try to see them with fresh eyes. Invite others to share their viewpoints and work to consider that they may be accurate in their conclusions. Even if it threatens your beliefs. Especially if it threatens your beliefs.

Ultimately, it is impossible to be completely impartial in every situation. We believe the person we spend the most time with – ourselves. And we see what we want to see.

eyes

The Why Trap (And How to Get Out)

Posted on by stilllearning2b
why

There are so many traps post-divorce that can grab hold and keep you stuck –

The anger trap that convinces you that you won’t be okay until he or she pays for his or her misdeeds.

The fairness trap that insists that all of life’s situations should be equitable and balanced.

The sadness trap that keeps you locked in a mental theater replaying the movies of your relationship.

And the why trap that charges that you will be able to move on as soon as you understand why it all happened.

 

The why trap looks for the reasoning behind your ex’s actions. It seeks to discover a greater purpose for the pain. The why trap attempts to mitigate blinding emotion with the application of rational thought and deliberate thinking. It convinces you that understanding will lead to peace and prompts determined, often frantic, searching for “the truth.”

But it’s a trap for a reason.

The why trap is a sneaky snare. It lures you in with promises of information that will lend sense to the nonsensical. It helps to take you out of the state of overwhelming emotion as you focus on facts rather than feelings. The problem is that there is often no defined end and trying to answer why leads through an endless serpentine labyrinth. And holds you prisoner of your past.

 

I fell into this trap within the first few days. Since he left me with no information, I obsessively gathered all of the evidence I could, uncovering the planned trip to Uganda, the stolen funds and maxed credit and eventually, the bigamy. It did answer some questions. After all, I could see why he was too cowardly to face me. Can you picture it?

Lisa, we need to talk. You know how I said we were on track financially for what we planned? Well, I sort of spent all of that and more on another life. It was an accident. Oh, and you know how just last night I told you how much I loved you and how I was looking forward to the rest of our lives together? Well, I changed my mind. In fact, I just got married to this awesome girl. Would you like the registry information? We really need a mosquito net since we’re going to Uganda in a couple weeks. Why do you look upset?

Yeah, not exactly. So, the early sleuthing uncovered some answers, but it didn’t provide any peace. So I switched gears towards trying to understand why he would do these things. That’s when I devoured books and websites about personality disorders and entertained the labels of sociopath and narcissist.  Here’s my full description of the results of that search.

And it did help some. Even though I decided to ultimately leave him labelless, I gained understanding of the fact that I had been gaslighted and I realized that he had some major issues.

But all that reading and research started to hold me back. I realized I was expending more energy on trying to understand him then on trying to understand and heal myself. And, as I always caution, whatever you nurture, grows.

If I wanted to heal and move forward, that was where I needed to focus.

So I did.

I still don’t know why it all happened. And I doubt I ever will.

But you don’t need to know why to walk away.

 

If you are having trouble with the why trap, here are some ideas to help you get out without having to gnaw off your leg:

Enter your search with intention. Decide what you want to discover and make a pact that once you find that information, you stop.

Set a limit – a timer, a number of books or a number of website searches.

Journal. Often we hold understanding within us and writing helps to release it.

When you feel the urge to dig deeper, try exercising first. Often, the need for information is really just restless and anxious energy.

Complete the sentence, “Once I know …, I will feel…” You may be surprised at how little knowledge really impacts emotion.

If your ex was particularly bad, do you really want to understand them? Maybe not understanding says something good about you.

Pray or meditate to find acceptance. There is much in this world we do not understand. And it’s okay to not always have all of the answers.

Maybe it didn’t happen for a reason, but it happened. Now you can create the reason. You can decide how you want this to fit within your bigger story. Create your own why.

Should You Divorce? 12 Questions to Consider

Posted on by stilllearning2b
should divorce

I’m often thankful that my marriage ended via text. I never had to make the gut-wrenching decision to inform my husband that I wanted out. I’ve never experienced endless days and nights weighing the pros and cons of divorce and anticipating its impact on my life.

Even though I never thought about divorce prior to experiencing it, I have spent the past several years studying and writing about the end of a marriage. For those of you who are in the unenviable position of trying to decide if you should stay or go, here are twelve questions for you to consider.

 

Are you in or your children in danger?

If you are in an abusive situation, your first course of action is to find a safe place for your family. If the marriage is violent and available interventions are not successful, your responsibility is to take care of yourself and your children. Get out, get help and then consider the question of divorce.

 

Are you quitting or letting go?

Are you running away from your marriage because you’re hesitant to address issues with your spouse or with yourself? Are you giving up because the relationship seems like it requires too much work to repair? Have you made mistakes in your marriage and you’re afraid to own up to your actions? If you answered in the affirmative to any of these, you’re quitting.

Quitting is out of fear; letting go is born from acceptance.

It is a reality that sometimes people enter into a marriage that was wrong from the beginning. Or, perhaps the relationship worked for a time but now you and your partner are no longer the same people who committed years ago.

People change. Circumstances change. And not every marriage can adapt. Sometimes the best decision you can make is to accept that something is gone and let it go.

 

Are you putting at least as much energy into the marriage as you are into your escape plans?

It’s human to look across the fence and see the grass as greener on the other side. After all, you know everything about your circumstances and often only see the best of your neighbor’s.

Marriage is no different. A relationship of any duration has history, arguments and issues that clutter the memory banks and may threaten to overrun the grass with weeds. An encounter with a new person, fresh and unsullied by the reality, can be intoxicating.

But it’s just an illusion. All you’re seeing in the beginning is what they want you to see. And illusions can only be maintained for a time.

The grass isn’t greener on the other side; it’s greener where you water it. If your attentions are focused outside of the marriage, you are starving your relationship. Make the intention to give your marriage at least as much energy as you’re giving your escape plans. Water it, nurture it, before you declare it dead.

 

Have you made changes in yourself?

We often blame our partners for our misery and frustration. We proclaim that if our spouse was only a better listener or less grouchy that our home life would be happy. We argue that he or she is lazy or materialistic or self-absorbed. We see our partners as the problem and ourselves as the victim.

We often want to fix our spouses. When what we really should be doing is fixing ourselves. Because you can’t change another’s actions, but you can always change your response.

So much of negativity in a marriage comes down to patterns of behavior: push and pull, nag and retreat, blame and contempt. If you can alter your responses, you have the potential of changing the entire pattern. And maybe even the marriage.

Many people use divorce as a catalyst for personal growth. Why wait? Improve yourself first and maybe the divorce doesn’t need to happen.

 

Have you informed your partner about your concerns and your feelings?

The first time your husband or wife hears about problems in the marriage should not be on the day you ask for a divorce. Even if you feel distant and disengaged, you have a responsibility to your spouse to communicate about the state of the union.

It takes courage to broach these difficult conversations; you have to be prepared to face anger or despondency or desperation. Ultimately, you are not responsible for your partner’s well-being, but you are accountable for transparency and truthfulness. If the marriage is at risk, make sure both parties know and are given the opportunity to campaign.

 

Are you on a snipe hunt for happiness?

We often fall victim to inertia in our lives. We slide into marriage and often into parenthood without being fully conscious and deliberate about our actions. As a result, we often “wake up” and realize that we’re not happy. We blame it on our jobs, our environment and our marriages.

But really, we’re often not happy with ourselves.

It’s so easy to end up on a snipe hunt for happiness. We look for validation and acceptance in our possessions, buying more and more to give the appearance of a good life. We surround ourselves with sycophants and flirts that convince us that we’re desirable.

If you are looking for happiness in a new relationship status, you will be disappointed. Happiness can’t be found without; that’s a hunt that will never end. Instead of blaming your circumstances for your misery, try taking ownership of your own well-being.

 

Is there addiction on either side?

Addiction is a disease that is characterized with instability, deception and a difficulty in addressing issues head-on. Addicts frequently pair with enablers, the give and take meeting both of their needs in an unhealthy dynamic. All of these concerns make it very difficult to be a healthy relationship with active addiction in the picture.

If you struggle with addiction, your first responsibility is your own sobriety. It is not fair to place that burden on your partner, nor should you feel obligated to stay with someone who undermines your sobriety.

If your partner is an addict, your first step is learning your role in the pattern. Get help. Join an Al-Anon group or something similar and educate yourself about addiction, codependency and sobriety. Regardless of your decision about divorce, make sure to address your behaviors and thinking that developed alongside the dependence. Addiction is a family disease. Take responsibility for curing yourself.

 

Are you falling for the sunk cost fallacy?

According to the sunk cost fallacy, we have a tendency to stay in commitments purely because of the time or money invested. For example, we may hold on to a car well beyond its life because we have spent so much money on repairs, even though it makes more sense to purchase a newer and more reliable car. In marriage, we may find ourselves staying put because of the months or years invested in the relationship.

But that’s not a reason to stay.

The sunk cost fallacy is born of a calculus of fear. We prefer to stay with what is known rather than venture into the unexplored. We hesitate to scrap what we have because of a fear or starting over.

Stay because of the present marriage and the future one, not because of what has passed.

 

Has there been betrayal on either side?

Betrayal undermines a relationship. It often occurs when there are problems within the marriage, acting as an alert but also distracting from the underlying issues.

If you have been betrayed, you may find yourself grasping onto the marriage out of a panic of losing your spouse. Or you may react with anger, rage blinding you from rational thought. Betrayal is insanely painful. Give yourself time to grieve before making decisions. And, also understand, that if your spouse is not willing to end the affair or address the problems in the marriage, your decision may have been made for you.

If you have been the unfaithful one, work first to understand the motivation behind your actions. What were you seeking? Have you been starving your marriage of attention? Are you running away from some truth? Are you afraid of being alone and setting up a new bed to hop into as soon as you leave the old? If you fail to understand why you made this choice, you most likely find that you are given another opportunity to examine it when you cheat again.

 

Are you aware of the impact of divorce on children?

Some people proclaim that divorce destroys children. Others argue that it has no impact on them all. The reality is somewhere in the middle; divorce, no matter how amicable, affects the kids.

Regardless of the decision made, consider the needs of the kids. Research the impact of divorce on children of different ages. Be mindful about how and what you tell them. Watch out for signs of depression or anxiety and be ready to seek interventions if needed. Put your concern for your children ahead of your anger for your spouse.

The best gift you can give a kid is a stable and loving home life. That may mean repairing your marriage or staying together until the children have launched. Or, it may mean ending an unhealthy marriage so that the family can have a fresh start.

 

Is there a lack of passion and intimacy?

We often ask too much of marriage. We expect it to be our safe place, our den against the elements, providing stability and security while also looking to it for passion and excitement. It can’t fulfill both.

Passion comes from risk. It comes from seeing your partner as an individual with his or her own interests and ideas. If we feel too secure, as though we know our partners better than they know themselves, there is nothing exciting. Part of maintaining excitement in a marriage is the acceptance of risk and removing the illusion of security.

We also have tendency to construct walls with the intention of limiting possible heartbreak. Those walls are also an illusion, as all they do is limit the potential of a marriage. Intimacy has to start with vulnerability. Don’t blame your partner for a lack of connection if you are refusing to let them in.

 

Are you afraid of being alone?

A fear of being alone is no reason to enter into a relationship and it is also not a reason to stay in one. We are social creatures. We fear abandonment and isolation. Often to our own detriment as we grasp onto relationships that are not good for us. Being happy alone is better than being unhappy in a relationship.

 

Ultimately, no one else can make the decision regarding divorce for you. It’s a call you have to make on your own. If you decide that divorce is the right decision in your case, please enter it mindfully. You cannot eliminate the pain and fear and confusion that follow, but you have the ability to mitigate at least some of its effects.

I wish you and your family the best in whatever your decision.