Five Damaging Divorce Stereotypes

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Those that have not personally experienced divorce have no shortage of judgements and opinions. These are some of the more common damaging divorce stereotypes that you may encounter –

 

The Spouse That Initiated the Divorce is a Quitter

At some point, you have to make a decision – do you continue to endure a miserable situation or do you extricate yourself from the situation?

The reality is that you only have dominion over yourself. And when you’re married to someone who refuses to admit that there are problems within the marriage, you have limited influence to change the environment. If you’re with an addict who routinely denies their disease, sometimes leaving is the only tenable option. And if your partner is abusive, getting out can become a matter of life or death.

Quitting is giving up when something becomes too difficult or uncomfortable. Sometimes, a decision to divorce has nothing to do with quitting and everything to do with acceptance and self-respect – accepting that you alone cannot alter the trajectory of your marriage and the self-respect to demand better.

 

The Woman Always Gets the Money

I almost shoved her off the bike. It was a mid-morning spin class that I was able to attend because of a school holiday. The other women in the class were apparently regulars and they immediately started questioning me as the newcomer to their group. When discovering that I was recently divorced, the woman next to me stated, “Isn’t it nice to have your husband’s money without having to deal with your husband?”

The previous afternoon I had just received another notification about an yet another unpaid debt left behind by my ex husband. Yet another debt that I would have to pay.

Sometimes, the woman does come out ahead financially. Yet often, she doesn’t, especially if she neglected a career in order to raise children. The reality is that divorce often has a lasting negative financial impact for both men and women. Additionally, the automatic application of spousal support for the woman is (thankfully) coming to an end. The family court system is still a money-making mess, but they are trying to do a better job of considering each case individually.

 

The Man Doesn’t Take Responsibility for His Children

Ever heard the one about the man babysitting his own offspring?

The assumption after divorce is often that the woman will have primary custody and the man will do anything he can to have limited responsibility for the kids. And yes, there are certainly deadbeat dads out there. And there are also amazing fathers who do everything they can to be there for their children even though they are no longer married to their mother.

There are also the heartbreaking cases where good fathers are kept from their children in an attempt to punish or control them. These men can be labeled as “deadbeats” when the reality is that they are in great pain and want nothing more than to be able to be present for their kids.

 

The Partner That Wanted a Divorce Isn’t Hurting

Just because something is the right call, doesn’t make it easy. The one who decided to leave may be grieving the end of the relationship. They may feel guilty for hurting their partner. If they’ve been pulling all of the emotional weight, they may be angry that their spouse didn’t put forth any effort.

No matter the circumstances, divorce is hard. It’s a major loss and a massive transition. The nature of the pain may differ when you are the one who wanted divorce, but it doesn’t mean the pain is absent.

 

The Spouse Who is Left Must Have Deserved It

One of the most painful aspects of deciding to go public with my story were the cruel assumptions that I faced about why my ex must have left. Strangers decided that I must be a terrible person and an even worse wife. After all, I must have done something to deserve that kind of treatment.

The reality is that both people are responsible for the marriage, but one person can decide how – or if – it will end. And oftentimes, that decision is influenced by their own internal struggle.

Furthermore, we rarely know the truth behind the public facade of any marriage. And without knowing the whole story, it’s impossible to reach any meaningful conclusions.

 

 

As with any stereotypes, these can have a kernel of truth to them. However, my conclusion is that many of these are anchored in fear – people don’t want to believe that divorce can happen to them, so they create a narrative around divorce that gives them the illusion of control.

Recognizing the Signs of Covert Abuse

Posted on by stilllearning2b

For more information about gaslighting and covert abuse click here.

The Pitch-Black Room

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Heartbreak is a pitch-black room.

At first, you’re disoriented. Confused. How did the familiar world become replaced by this sarcophagus of grief?

There are no windows. No doors. Only darkness.

And you’re all alone. You can hear life as usual just outside your walls, but you are separated from the activity.

The air feels funny. It’s too dense, making every breath a struggle. It presses down on you as you try to move. It feels as though it’s squeezing your very life away.

And yet somehow, your lungs keep following orders. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.

In that pitch-black room, there is no day or night.

No hot or cold.

No anything, really.

You scream, both in an attempt to release your pain and in an attempt to feel it. The sound echoes off the walls, filling the void until the vibrations cease.

 

You find that you’re going through the motions. More an act of habit than an act of living.

You dutifully lay down in the bed only to realize later that you’ve been staring at the ceiling for hours, sleep remaining elusive.

You prepare a meal only to sit down and realize that you’re not hungry.

You drink. Not because you’re thirsty, but because some primal part of brain tells you that you must.

 

You despise the room, with its absence of light and its reverberations of pain. But you also begin to grow comfortable with the room. You know its every corner. And you become accustomed to its confines. It’s life distilled into its most bitter essence. Terrible, but familiar. You begin to forget that there is anything other than this pitch-black room.

The first glimpse of light catches you off-guard. It feels good and wrong all at once. It’s welcome, yet it doesn’t belong. You even feel guilty for smiling at the glow. As though you’re somehow betraying the solemness that the room demands.

You decide to investigate further, drawn to the possibility that there is more than darkness. But as you approach, the light flickers out.

Over the next days…weeks…months… who knows? time has no meaning here…the light reappears of its own volition. Sometimes it fades as soon as it appears. And sometimes the light remains for some time.

You become hopeful. And then defeated, mad at yourself for letting optimism in. After all, this is now your room.

But still the light persists, growing just a little brighter every day.

Until one day, you are able to see the room more clearly. There’s a window after all. And you can see outside. You want to be outside. You desperately search for a way out. But find nothing.

 

Pacing in frustration, you begin to tell yourself that you’re stuck. That this darkness is all that you’ll know. You repeat it so much that it becomes gospel. So much so that you’re unable to accept the appearance of door in the once-smooth wall.

And then once you see it, you find that you’re both excited about a way out and frightened about the possibility of escape. Because what if you take that step out only to have your heart broken again?

You finally summon your courage, take that tentative step. Your first ventures out are short. You return to the room when you remember your sadness and often, you find your way back there through no reason at all.

The visits slowly become less frequent. Their duration shortens. You find yourself becoming more a part of the outside world and less a resident of the room.

The room is always there. Its walls are solid, bricks of heartache mortared with tears. You know that you can stop by and visit. And sometimes you seem to find yourself there when the calendar reaches certain days or a memory is triggered.

But you also know that you can step out of the room again. And you can close the door behind you.

The pitch-black room holds the memories, and it no longer holds you.

 

 

 

 

 

Six Ways That Dogs Help Us Heal

Posted on by stilllearning2b

In so many ways, every dog is a therapy dog.

 

1 – Dogs Are a Reflection of Our Energetic State

Watch a dog for any length of time and you will learn things about their human companions. Dogs reflect our inner emotional and energetic state. They become a mirror, often giving us a glimpse into ourselves that we struggle to see otherwise.

In order to have a calm and happy dog, you have to learn how to moderate your emotional state and manage your anxieties. They become a living form of biofeedback. As your breathing rate slows and your thoughts become centered, your dog soon settles and becomes ready to listen.

One of my favorite quotes from Cesar Millan (the Dog Whisperer” is, “Dogs tell the truth. People tell a story.” And isn’t that the truth. We claim to fine. But our dogs often reveal otherwise.  We would be well-served by listening.

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2 – Dogs Give Us Unbridled Love

There is nothing like being greeted by a dog when you come home. That open mouth that seems to show pure delight. The wagging tail that carries the enthusiasm through the entire body, too big to be contained. And the immediate request for affection and bonding. They don’t care that you screwed up at work or that you accidentally put on two different socks that morning. Dogs default to acceptance rather than criticism. Which is often a welcome change from the rest of the world.

When you’re sad around a dog, you’re never sad alone. They seem to know when we need a snuggle and they’re not afraid of a few tears. No matter how much we worry that we’re not enough, that we’re unlovable or that we’re not a good person, our dogs help to remind us otherwise. Their love is not contingent on anything other than being a part of their pack.

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3 – Dogs Force Us to Step Outside

I can’t tell you how many mornings I step outside into rather unpleasant weather and I’m tempted to give up on my daily pre-work walk. And then I look down at Kazh, whose tail is already wagging in anticipation of the outing despite the weather, and I obligingly lace up my shoes.

Dogs inspire us to step outside – both literally and metaphorically – when we’d often rather hide within ourselves. Their cold, insistent nose nudges us, reminding us that there is life to live and adventures to be had.

They remind us that exercise is important. With their “live in the moment” mindset, they help us to see even the most mundane act as part of a glorious adventure. On walks, they insist on stopping to smell pee upon the roses, a reminder that the journey is as important as the destination.

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4 – Dogs Encourage Interaction With Others

When I run alone, I rarely talk to people. When I run with a dog, I rarely return home without meeting someone new. Dogs are not only social creatures, they are social lubricant. They force us to interact with others even when we’re in a hibernation and isolation mood.  Not only do they encourage interaction, they encourage positive interaction. It’s hard to be grumpy or judgmental when you’re petting a new dog.

We are also social creatures. Our mental health improves when we are around others. We thrive when have established human – and animal – connections. Dogs help to nurture these relationships when we’re struggling to do on our own.

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5 – Dogs Help Us Build Confidence

I love teaching children how to walk my pit bull. At first, they’re hesitant. After all, this is a dog that greatly overpowers them on a physical level. And then I explain how the dog responds to confidence. Walk with your head up. Your shoulders back. Stride with purpose and conviction. The dog will listen if you believe in what you’re doing.

Dogs are experts at sniffing out insecurities. If you’re not sure, they have no reason to pay any attention to what you’re asking them to do. But once you learn to believe in yourself? That dog will do anything you ask. And that’s a great motivator to begin to trust yourself.

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6 – Dogs Teach Us the Importance of Boundaries

Have you ever entered a home that is ruled by the dog? It tends to be pretty chaotic. Like humans, dogs will try to get away with whatever they can. They will test your boundaries.

Many people struggle with setting and maintaining boundaries. They’re concerned about being liked or being perceived as easy to get along with. And so they let others get away with too much. It’s hard to set boundaries with people. They push back, often painfully, by picking at our biggest fears.

Dogs offer up a wonderful training ground to learn how to set and maintain boundaries. They still test us, but we are much less likely to take it personally when a dog tries to sneak up on the couch than when an addict claims, “You’d help me if you loved me.” Our dogs help us learn how to use boundaries. It’s then up to us to use them with humans.

 

This post is dedicated to the dogs of lives. 

Going “No Contact” – Signs That It’s Needed

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Have you recently endured a breakup or divorce and you’re wondering if going “no contact” with your ex is the right decision for you? Here’s what to consider:

 

There is a History of Manipulation or Abuse

At its core, abuse is about power and control. Especially if your ex was gaslighting you or was emotionally abusive, it is critical that you get distance from them in order to begin to heal from their manipulations. When you maintain contact before you have an opportunity to find your strength and learn to listen to your inner voice, it’s too easy to again fall victim of their crazy-making influence.

This can be a very difficult separation; when there is emotional abuse, you have often been led to believe that you cannot live without them. Which is exactly why you need to prove to yourself that you can.

 

The Relationship Has a Pattern of Cycling

When it’s good, it’s great. And when it’s bad, it’s terrible. If you’re in an on-again, off-again relationship that keeps running through the same cycles, it may be time to take a break. A real one.

When you know that they are just out of reach, it’s too easy to close that gap whenever you’re feeling sad or lonely. The problem becomes telling the difference between taking them back because you want them and taking them back because you don’t want to be alone. One of the best ways to tell the difference is to remove them from your life for an extended period of time (enough time for the initial sadness and isolation to pass) to see if you really miss them.

 

You Find Yourself Obsessing About Your Ex

If you feel powerless to control your thoughts – or your behaviors – around your ex, it can be a sign that you need a complete and total removal. Think of it like keeping ice cream out of the house when you’re trying to lose weight.

One of the more common ways that this obsession manifests is through social media. Are you constantly checking up on your ex’s posts and profile? Are you scanning their pictures looking for signs that they miss you or that they have a new crush? It is impossible for you to move forward if you’re putting this much energy into your past.

 

You Experience Anxiety Around Contact (Or the Thought of Contact) With Your Ex

Are you nervous at the thought of speaking with or seeing your ex? Does the sight of their name on your phone cause your stomach to plummet and your heart to race? If they are still able to trigger this much emotion in you, it can be a sign that you need some time to disconnect and recenter before you consider contact.

 

You Feel Regret After Contact

Do you have a tendency to reach out to your ex when you’re feeling low and then you regret it soon after? Maybe you’re hoping that they’ve changed and their harsh or dismissive words have wounded you all over again. Or, perhaps you were looking for a closing conversation and instead, you find yourself on the receiving end of an angry rant.

Regardless, listen to your emotions. If you’re feeling regret, it’s a sign that you’re doing something that isn’t right for you.

 

Your Ex Takes Up a Lot of Mental Space

Is your ex out of your physical life but still living in your headspace? This is a sign that you may need to cut off all contact in order to complete the eviction. We only have so much energy. When you’re electing to spend a majority of it on your ex, it means that you’re neglecting other areas of your life. Remember – whatever you nurture, grows.

 

 

Going “No Contact?”

Read the rest of the series:

Why is it So Hard?

What Are the Benefits

Strategies to Make it Work

Why You’re Struggling to Stay Away

Understanding No Contact