Ten Empowering Thoughts to Hold Onto When It’s All Falling Apart

Posted on by stilllearning2b

1 – You only know what you have experienced. So when today is worse than yesterday, that’s what you see. But today is not prophetic about tomorrow. Replace, “Life sucks,” with “Life sucks right now.” Maybe the best is yet to come.

2 – Losing everything is excruciating. And it’s also freeing. It’s a special place where you have nothing left to lose, nothing more to fear. The worst has happened and you’re still breathing. That’s pretty awesome, isn’t it?

3 – You’re wiser now. More attuned to others and more in tune with yourself. That’s a gift to be grateful for.

4 – Every change is challenging at first. You’re learning. Adapting. Growing stronger. You won’t be the same person you were before. You’ll be better.

5 – A book without plot twists becomes quite boring and predictable. The same can be said for life. Think of the stories you can now tell!

6 – Difficult times act as a sieve for friendships. You now know who really has your back. Pay more attention to the ones who stepped up than the ones who stepped out – they’re the ones who deserve your attention.

7 – Pay attention to those moments when you feel alive and whole. The sunshine on your face, the smiling eyes of a child, the overwhelming beauty of the moon reflected in the water. Invite them in. Sit with them. Celebrate them. They’re often more plentiful than we realize.

8 – Letting go is scary. We feel like we need to grasp onto what we know. But some of the best places can only be reached by taking a leap of faith.

9 – Other people’s actions say more about them than about you. Don’t get those two things confused.

10 – When gratitude is your wrapping paper, everything is a gift. See the good around you, even if you have to squint;)

 

 

 

Six Revealing Reasons People Cheat

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Have you been cheated on and you’re wondering why it happened? (It may not be what you think.)

Are you in a relationship and you’re concerned your partner may stray? (Being aware of these signs can allow arely intervention before an affair occurs.)

Would you like to know what to look for in a partner to limit the chances of an affair? (Knowing these shared characteristics can help you select a partner that is less likely to turn to an affair.)

Knowledge is power. Learn more here.

6 Encouraging Ways to Take Back Your Power After an Unwanted Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’ve never felt so powerless.

I had no money because he had taken it all.

I had no voice because he left with a text and refused any contact.

I had no information because he had taken important files and changed account passwords.

I felt like he called all the shots and I was left with nothing but shrapnel through my heart.

At first, I felt helpless. A victim of his choices and his actions. Wounded and weak.

And then I got angry. Furious that he would and could make decisions without me that had such a devastating impact on my life. Fuming and ruminating.

And finally, I got busy. Learning and working to move beyond his behaviors. Motivated and determined.

It’s not easy to regain a sense of power and control over your own life when you have been the recipient of an unwanted (and perhaps tsunami) divorce.

Here are six encouraging ways that you can take back your life:

Gather Information

Part of what makes an unwanted divorce so scary and leads to a sense of helplessness is a lack of knowledge. When my ex left, I had no information about divorce laws in my state. I didn’t know anything about the legalities of debt and home ownership. I was ignorant about the resources available from the IRS for innocent spouses.

I knew nothing. And, as a result, I feared everything, often catastrophizing every situation.

So I read. I listened. I studied. And I learned.

And with each piece of knowledge, even those that were contrary to my desired answers, I felt just a little bit calmer. A little bit more in control.

Start researching. Learn everything you can. Let knowledge be your shield, your sword and your security blanket. We often avoid what we’re afraid of. But that only makes it worse. Face it and learn about it. Knowledge makes every obstacle a little less daunting.

With an unwanted divorce, you feel as though you’ve been kept in the dark. Which makes accumulating information a great source of power. The more you know, the more options you have.

Brainstorm Options

It’s hard to let go of the life you thought you had. We all get stuck in a track of expectations. When my ex left, I was left stuttering over my future. I kept trying to see how things were going to work out and I kept hitting walls.

Until I realized that I needed to tear down those mental walls that were keeping me enclosed in the remains of the life I had. Instead of trying to stay within the constraints of my former life, I allowed myself to mentally fly beyond.

And I dreamed big. And wide. Some of those options were pretty inconceivable, but I didn’t censor them. I simply explored them in my mind and in my journal.

I composed if…thens… that addressed every possible move I could envision him making. Some were overzealous. Some were absurd. Some were even illegal.

But they all made me feel better.

You cannot control what happens to you, but you can always chose how to respond.

Explore your options. Don’t worry if they seem impossible. Right now, it’s only a mental exercise. Let your imagination carry yourself far beyond your walls.

When divorce happens to you, it’s easy to feel as though a huge roadblock has been plunked down in your life. Which means exploring side paths is a tremendous source of power. The more options you have, the more you can influence.

Create a List

It is easy to focus on the things you cannot control. I remember wishing that I could make him talk to me. Make him accept the help he so obviously needed. Make him admit responsibility and express remorse.

Of course, I could do none of those things.

But that didn’t mean that I was entirely helpless.

I could reach out to friends and family for help. I could find meaning and purpose through those relationships and others. I could start to date again and learn to trust again. I could reevaluate my priorities and restructure my life to fit my goals. I could find a way to transform the pain into a positive movement that could bring comfort to others.

Create a two-sided list. On one side, list all of the things you cannot control. Those are the things to work towards letting go. On the other side, list all of the things within your sphere of influence. No matter how small. Those are the things to focus on cultivating and nurturing.

With unwelcome divorce comes an overabundance of things you cannot control. Which means that enumerating that which you can influence is a great source of power. The more influence you have, the more freedom you gain.

Accumulate Funds

An empty bank account is a great source of vulnerability and impotence. I’ve never felt so small as when I couldn’t even pay for lunch. Although I was fortunate enough to have my own source of income, it was greatly outweighed by the debts he saddled me with.

And that lack of financial freedom and flexibility was a huge source of fear and helplessness.

I vowed to take control of my own finances. Here are the steps I took. And with every dollar of debt paid down or with every penny put into savings, I gained just a little more control over my future.

An uninvited divorce often brings with it a financial crisis. Which means that every step you take towards financial independence brings with it a sense of power. The more freedom you gain, the less dependence you have.

Compose a Letter

The unfairness of it overwhelmed me. I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea that he could cause so much harm and then slip out through the back door like a thief in the night. I had so much to say (okay, scream) to him and I had so much that I thought I needed to hear from him.

I thought my voice was stolen.

And although I couldn’t force him to listen or require him to speak the words I wanted, I could compose them myself. I know it seems a bit silly that writing unseen words can release some of the pain. But it can. I know it seems strange that writing the words that you want to hear can help you soften. But it can. Here are 6 letters to write after divorce. 

It’s an empowering feeling not only taking back your voice, but using it to make yourself better. Don’t wait for somebody else to listen or to speak. You have the words you need to hear and you can express what you need to say.

The words you say to others have influence. The words you say to yourself have power.

With unwanted divorce, the discussion is often left unfinished. Which means that each word you express and release brings with it a sense of power. The less dependence you have, the more space you’ll find.

Practice Mindfulness

In the beginning, I embodied the pain. I couldn’t tell where the agony ended and where I began. I felt like I was at the mercy of my thoughts, triggers unmercifully bringing images and emotions that overwhelmed me on a daily basis.

I tried blocking them out, refusing them entrance. They laughed at my feeble mental barricades. I tried ignoring them, distracting myself through work and dating. They snuck in around the edges, overtaking me like a leak in a canoe.

And finally, I just noticed them. Accepted them. But refused to entertain them. A new meditation practice allowed me to find space between my pain and me. In time, the thoughts grew weaker and I grew stronger.

Find your own form of mediation, of mindfulness. Learn to be in the moment. To be free of judgement. To be aware of your emotions without the need to chase them down.

With divorce, the pain is often pervasive and overwhelming. Which means that as you learn to create space between you and your pain, you find a sense of mastery of your emotions. The more space you find, the more powerful you will be in your own life.

 

6 Ways Re-Watching Your Past Can Help You Move On

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Brock and I are currently re-watching all of the released seasons of Game of Thrones.

We were late to the GOT party, only bingeing on the first 5 seasons just last year. But even though the characters and plots should be fresh in our memories, we realized after recently viewing season 6 that we had significant gaps in our comprehension and analysis of the story.

The initial viewing was a journey of emotion, raw and often impulsive. It provided us with feeling (so much feeling!), but left much to be desired in terms of understanding. The second viewing has been illuminating. The emotional response has nowhere near the intensity that it did in the beginning, but from this perspective, we are now able to make connections that eluded us earlier. It all makes sense now. 

After the finale of season one wrapped the other evening, I realized that the process of re-watching Game of Thrones in order to build a complete picture of the story and find understanding of the characters and their motivations was analogous to how I approached processing my own past.

Here are 6 ways that re-watching your past can help you move on:

Re-Watching As an Active Pursuit

If we simply sat inert on the sofa with Game of Thrones playing on the television, we would gain nothing more from the experience. Instead, we are alert as we watch, looking for clues and connections we missed the first time. We utilize the pause button so that we can discuss a theory or a sudden realization. When we’re still confused, we seek help, learning from those who are more experienced. Overall, we benefit from considering other perspectives and opinions as we develop our own.

It’s easy to be passive about your past, allowing mental films to play on repeat. This is ruminating, not processing (learn more about this) and keeps you stuck instead of helping you move on. Instead, be an active participant as you review your marriage and its demise. Focus on making connections and creating understanding. Seek outside viewpoints and guidance, but also realize the importance of adhering to what feels true to you.

Analysis is Easier When All is Revealed

When we first watched Game of Thrones, we had to accept certain actions and decisions by the characters at face value. We didn’t yet understand the history and background that would lead a character towards a certain choice (especially because some of these connections are not revealed until much later). This time through, we’re able to piece together the long-standing conflicts between the families and follow the wrongs that have been committed on all sides. It doesn’t make some of their decisions any more palatable (I had forgotten how gruesome the Stark slaughter is!), but it does provide some insight into their motivations.

When you’re reviewing a marriage after it has ended, you have all of the puzzle pieces you need to create an awareness of the big picture and to propose some plausible motivations for choices and behaviors. If you can find some understanding into why your ex did what they did, it can help soften any residual anger and release any lingering victimhood. Seeing the bigger picture doesn’t excuse poor choices, but it does help to see them a bit differently.

Assumptions Are Often Incorrect

As we watched the first time through, we lost track of many of the details and often took a wrong turn while trying to decipher the tangled branches of the family trees. We made assumptions to fill in the gaps of knowledge and to bridge between story points. We help many of those assumptions through all of the initial viewing. They became our lens for creating understanding. And now many of those conclusions have been challenged and it impacts the way we interpret further information.

The end of a relationship is a fertile breeding ground for assumptions. So much is unknown and so much is felt, that we easily assign erroneous conclusions. Conclusions that then become the basis for any further interpretation. By actively re-watching with an open mind, you can evaluate your early assumptions and decide if they still hold true or if they would benefit from revision.

Nobody is All-Good or All-Bad

I had forgotten how much we hated him in the beginning. One of the characters is a multi-faceted and overall kind man in the latter seasons. But in the first episodes? He comes across as a self-centered and impulsive man. And he was. Until he faced things that forced him to change his ways and broaden his perspective. Throughout the story, we see the weaknesses and strengths of all the characters, even those who are most celebrated or reviled. Some have commendable motivations for horrific acts while others perform valiantly in one venue and are reprehensible in others. Ultimately, there are no “good guys “and “bad guys”. There’s just guys, trying to make it through.

At the end of marriage, especially when your spouse behaved badly, it’s easy to cast them as the “bad guy” and paint yourself as “the good one.” It feels virtuous at first and there’s a comfort to be found in shifting all blame. But eventually, you end up typecast, not as the “good guy,” but as the victim. As you re-watch your past, be alert to signs that your ex had a good side and be aware of your own darker urges and behaviors. Nobody is all-good or all-bad. We’re simply all human.

A Negative Event Can Lead to Positive Outcomes

One of the aspects I love most about Game of Thrones is the strong characters who refuse to be limited by the tragedies that befall them. It’s easy to paint some of these events as negative. And in the short-term, they often are. But then we see the characters learn from the event, challenge their limitations and finally grow stronger than they were initially. As you see a paralyzed child learn to master his mind, it’s no longer clear that the event that caused his injury was detrimental to his life in the long run. And now, watching those early tragedies, there is none of the original sadness, because we see it as a beginning, not as an end.

Our lives aren’t filled with as many plot twists as the series (thank goodness!), but we all expereince events that are easy to qualify as negative because they are unwanted and often injurious in the beginning. Work to slide the “negative” label off the events in your life. Start by striving to see them as neutral, simply what happened. Then, take inspiration from your favorite characters and think about how you can create positive outcomes. How can you make this your beginning?

There Will Always be Some Mysteries

Re-watching has answered many questions. And prompted many more. The writers of Game of Thrones are careful to always withhold some information. They reveal clues rather than announce outright. There is always room for questioning and position-taking. And re-taking. It can be frustrating at times when you just want to know the facts and all you’re getting are hints. Life is no different. There will always be some mysteries, forcing an acceptance of some unknowns and acknowledging the limitations of re-watching.

No matter how many times you revisit your past, there will remain some unanswered questions. There is no benefit to continue to re-watch after you have learned what you can. Work to find an acceptance of the unknowns. You don’t need to know every detail in order to understand the first part of the story and to begin to write the rest.

Just as the events in Game of Thrones unfold in the same way the seond time through, revisiting your past does not change it. That’s not why you re-watch. You view again to see with newly opened eyes, to approach with a less emotional and fearful mind and to gain understanding and acceptance. And once you’ve done that, the past no longer has anything meaningful left to offer and can safely be taken off your mental queue.

After all, there’s always another show:)

5 Warning Signs You’re Sliding Unintentionally Into an Emotional Affair

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Some infidelity is easy to spot. The inhibitions fall away with the clothes and the couple is doing things they wouldn’t want to be caught doing.

But other behaviors are much more nuanced and difficult to identify as potentially (and usually unintentionally) sliding into an emotional affair.

Here are 5 warning signs that “we’re just friends” is heading into dangerous waters:

You’re keeping things from your spouse. Not big things, not yet. It’s the omission of small facts that aren’t really a big deal, but for some reason you’d rather your spouse not find out. Over time, those lies of omission become lies of manipulation. Stop them early.

You tell this friend things you don’t tell your spouse or they get the big news first. This doesn’t mean you have to tell your spouse everything, but they certainly deserve to know anything of significance in your life. This can be especially tricky to navigate when you have an intense job that encourages strong coworker bonds (just think of the relationships on those doctor shows!) or you have an outside passion that you share with others. Your spouse may never really “get it” in the way those that also experience it do, but you owe it to them to not exclude them from your life.

Your spouse is feeling insecure. If you’re watering the wrong grass and focusing more energy outside than marriage than in, your partner will pick up on it, even if they’re not consciously aware. And this usually results in a feeling of insecurity. That’s a sign you should pay attention to.

There’s an excitement you feel with this person that you don’t feel with your other friends. That increased energy is a sign that you don’t see this person as simply “just a friend.” It’s a signal of increased interest that can breed an emotional intimacy that could threaten your marriage. It feels good now. But are the possible consequences worth it?

You experience disproportionate guilt. You shouldn’t feel guilty for meeting a friend for coffee. So if do, it’s a sign that this meeting possibly means more to you than just a chance to catch up. Guilt is your internal warning system. It’s usually best to listen.

Does any of this sound familiar? Here’s how you can stop the slide and regain your control.