What Anxiety Can Look Like

Posted on by stilllearning2b

From the inside, anxiety is pretty easy to identify – a tightness in the chest or stirring in the belly, overactive thoughts that tend towards the, “What if?” and an underlying sense of fear or dread.

But from the outside?

Anxiety can take many different forms, some of which may resemble a different root cause entirely.

 

Anxiety can look like aloofness.

When someone is anxious, they’re not living in the world; they’re living in their head. To others, it can seem like they’re withdrawn, not interested in engaging. Yet the reality is that they’re so busy battling the thoughts in their head that they don’t have the attention to spare towards those around them.

 

Anxiety can look like pessimism.

It’s not that those that struggle with anxiety only see the negative; it’s that they believe that they have to anticipate all of the possible outcomes so that they can be prepared for any eventuality. When good things happen (or seem about to happen), anxious people have a hard time accepting it because their brains are still telling them that things can change in an instant.

 

Anxiety can look like perfectionism.

Anxiety likes to have things in order. It’s a lie the anxious brain likes to use, “If you can do everything right, you’ll be okay.” And so the drive towards perfectionism is strong and the fear of falling short (which of course, is inevitable), is equally as powerful.

 

Anxiety can look like having trouble committing.

“Am I doing the right thing?” anxiety questions before agreeing to something. “What if there’s a better option?” the mind asks. Those that are anxious often spend substantial time researching and weighing options before making a decision. And even once a decision is made, the doubts may persist.

 

Anxiety can look like high achievement.

Anxiety has an energy to it and often that energy acts like a motor that drives achievement. The anxious mind has trouble relaxing, which combined with a fear of failure can lead to some impressive achievements. Not that the anxious person will ever relax and enjoy their successes.

 

Anxiety can look like a need for control.

An anxious brain tries to anticipate every potential outcome. And of course, those outcomes are limitless. So to improve the odds, an anxious person will often try to control the situation and steer the outcomes a certain direction.

 

Anxiety can look like struggling with time.

Those with anxiety often have a dysfunctional relationship with time – they either believe there is not enough or they avoid thinking about it altogether. As a result, they will either be too early late, believe they will never get it done or put it off until the last possible minute.

 

Anxiety can look like a failure to begin.

“Am I doing the right thing?” “Am I qualified to do this?” “What if I fail?” These thoughts mean that the anxious person can spend an inordinate amount of time on the starting block, scared of taking that first step. This can lead to unfulfilled promises of action.

 

Anxiety can look like an entertainer.

For some, the anxiety is channeled into performance. They are always “on,” often the center of the party. By playing a role, they are able to find some distance from their unease. And by shifting the attention towards their performance, they are able to hide their anxiety.

 

Anxiety can look like a calm exterior.

Many people with anxiety hide it very well. While they may be panicking inside, their demeanor doesn’t even register the slightest elevation of pulse.

 

Whether you experience anxiety yourself or have someone in your life that struggles with it, once you recognize its disguises, you are better prepared to handle it appropriately.

Anxiety After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The dictionary defines anxiety as, “a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.” Well, it’s no wonder then that anxiety becomes a constant companion for many facing divorce, which certainly epitomizes an “imminent event…with an uncertain outcome.”

It’s normal to feel anxious before, during and after divorce. You’re experiencing a period of loss and transition at the same time you may be struggling to reconnect with your very identity and purpose. That’s stressful no matter how you look at it.

Anxiety around divorce can be focused on one or more specific areas, or it may be more generalized and diffuse. The feeling may be clear-cut and easy to recognize or it can manifest in more subtle ways. Regardless of the particular nature of your divorce-related anxiety, the more you understand it, the better you can learn to navigate – and eventually curtail – it.

tumblr_oaur2mrNGU1tn5y36o1_400

 

What You’re Anxious About

 

The Practical Concerns

These are often the first worries that manifest – How will I pay the bills without their income? Where will I live? How will we manage custody? What will the legal process be like?

There are so many important details of daily life that divorce impacts. And most of these have to be dealt with yesterday. Add the very real financial costs of divorce and it’s no wonder you’re losing sleep.

 

Personal Strength and Fortitude

“I’m not strong enough to get through this” is one of the first thoughts that many people have when they realize that divorce is imminent. The emotions threaten to drown you and the sheer amount of tasks you have to complete is completely overwhelming.

Maybe you’ve never been tested like this before and so you have no track record with which to reassure yourself of your tenacity. Or maybe you’re worried about the duration of this transition – how can you keep going when the finish line isn’t even marked?

 

The Impact on the Kids

From the first moment you gazed into your newborn’s eyes, a need to protect them from all harm has permeated your every cell.   Yet no matter how deftly you wield your shield, you cannot block all of life’s slings and arrows from reaching your child. And for many children, their parent’s divorce is the first major emotional injury they face.

It’s difficult to watch your child suffer. Their pain ricochets through you like an unreturned racquetball in an empty court. You feel helpless as your normal platitudes and kisses fail to sooth this particular wound and guilty that you failed to protect them in the first place.

from 7 Vital Lessons Divorce Teaches Children

It’s no wonder you’re anxious. You worry about the impact that this family transition will have on your children. You agonize over the pain they’re facing. You stress about how this might affect them moving forward. You lose sleep over the relationship they have with their other parent. And most of all, you constantly question if you’re doing the right thing, making the right decisions.

 

 

 

Emotional Reactions

I remember being so afraid of my emotional response. It felt like being pulled along by some powerful riptide, threatening to drown me at any moment.

The emotional reactions after divorce are strong, variable and unpredictable. You never know if you’re going to break down crying in the middle of a work presentation, burst into inappropriate laughter in a meeting your attorney or fly of the handle in a fit of rage because a form asked for you to indicate your marital status.

And this uncertainty combined with a feeling that you no longer have control over your inner world, leads to a great deal of anxiety.

 

Things-we-said-683x1024

 

Future Happiness

“Will I ever be happy again?” you wonder. And your anxious brain is ready with a reply – “No.”

You worry that the best years have already happened and that it’s all downhill from here. You wonder if this divorce will always be your defining moment. And you stress as you contemplate the thought that maybe you’re broken and that you cannot be repaired.

 

The Views of Others

You feel like those around you are judging you, labeling you as a “quitter” or quietly assuming that you failed as a person in order to have a failed marriage. Their voices – real or imagined – join your own, doubts and criticisms circling around your head like tubes in a lazy river.

This anxiety may extend to your general social standing and connections. Maybe you are now losing the family that you’ve grown to love and cherish. Perhaps you worry that you no longer fit into the “couples only club” that is your primary friend group. Or, in your cultural or religious group, divorce may be viewed as a sin and you’re shunned for your circumstances.

 

New Relationships and Finding Love Again

You worry that your ex was your soulmate and that you somehow screwed up your only chance for love. The thought of dating again is downright terrifying and you wonder if anybody will love the older, more jaded, and less tolerant version of you. And that’s of course assuming that there are even people out there that you’d be interested in.

Finding love is only the starting place for your anxiety. Then comes the question of keeping it. After all, you don’t have such a great track record right now. You worry that you’re going to end up in this same place again.

 

I-am-exhausted-from-trying-to-be-stronger-than-I-feel.-Unknown

 

How the Anxiety Manifests

 

A Feeling of Being “Driven”

Anxiety has energy. It is an accelerant. A propellant. The focus of this drive can vary, turning towards everything from your performance at work to finding out every detail possible about the person your ex cheated on you with. Sometimes anxiety feels like you’re being driven by a motor but you’re spinning your wheels.

 

Obsessive Thoughts

You may be obsessively wondering how your ex could have acted the way they did. Or maybe you’re fixated on something you did that contributed to the collapse of the marriage. Anxiety often causes our thoughts to become trapped like the water above a blocked drain, as we desperately sift through them looking for a way to control the outcome.

 

Avoidance and Distractions

Anxiety is not a comfortable feeling. So when something causes undo stress, we often avoid it in order to eliminate that discomfort. This can manifest by intentionally or subconsciously avoiding locations or situations that you know will trigger an emotional reaction. Others may turn to distractions (everything from dating to work) in an attempt to give a wide berth to anything that may cause anxiety to spike.

 

Quotes-About-Anxiety

 

A Sense of Futility

Anxiety is the world’s greatest pessimist. It will always tell you that not only is the glass empty, but the glass is cracked and will never hold anything of substance again. If you’re feeling defeated and assuming that it’s a permanent state, that may be your anxiety talking.

 

Restlessness

Are you feeling a need to redecorate your entire home? Or maybe move to a new home – or country – altogether? Do you have trouble staying still and you seem to always find something to keep you busy? Anxiety has its own fear – a fear of stillness and quiet. So when you’re anxious, you’re often restless.

 

anxiety-quote-hp-41-1

 

How to Handle Your Anxiety

 

Call in the Professionals

Get help if you need it! There is no shame in asking for help. In fact, admitting a need for and accepting help are great signs of strength.

How do you know if you need help with your anxiety? Here are some signs that it’s time:

  • Your anxiety is interfering with your ability to carry out the basic functions of daily life
  • The divorce is history, yet your anxiety still remains
  • Symptoms of depression are present along with the anxiety
  • You’re turning to substances to help you manage your anxiety
  • Your children are being impacted by your anxiety
  • You want to improve your anxiety but you don’t know how

 

Quotes-about-Anxiety-12

 

Incorporate Exercise

Exercise won’t cure anxiety, but if you exhaust the body, it has a tendency to tire out the mind as well. And when it comes to worrying, a tired mind is a happier mind.

Play around with different types of exercise. Perhaps you do best with yoga and its emphasis on breathing through discomfort. Or maybe running helps you process your thoughts and gives you a sense of progress. You may find that you’re drawn to martial arts, where your anxiety can be funneled into strikes and you gain a sense of power and strength.

The what doesn’t matter here. The regularity and commitment does. Figure out what works for you and practice it frequently.

 

Learn to Recognize Anxiety

Be aware of how anxiety manifests in your mind and body. Does your chest get tight? Your stomach upset? Your brain on overdrive?

Just being aware of these signs can 1) give you a sense of control over your anxiety and 2) provide you with an opportunity to do something about it. You’ve heard about love languages. This is the time to become fluent in your own fear language.

 

Inspirational-Quotes-About-Depression-and-Anxiety

 

Face Your Fears

When we avoid situations that cause us discomfort, we allow them to grow in size and power. Think about all of the times you’ve been afraid to do something, from jumping into a pool as a child or having a difficult conversation as an adult. How many times did you discover that the anticipation was worse than the reality? Quite a bit, I expect.

And also think about your mindset before and after you faced that fear. Before, you were fixated on the situation, playing out all of the possible outcomes and worrying about every one. After? Well, it no longer seemed so important and all of that mental energy no longer had to be allocated its direction.

It’s pretty simple, really. Not easy, but simple.

Avoidance makes your anxieties grow. Facing your fears diminishes their power.

 

Chart Your Progress

When it comes to healing from divorce, progress is so slow that it’s often imperceptible from your viewpoint. So document your journey. Bring awareness to your progress.

Journaling is one way to accomplish this. You can go back at any time and read your earlier entries to get a feeling of how far you’ve come. This serves to both help you recognize your strength and also gives you hope that things will continue to improve.

 

107f3c70d5b502882c7cfcdb74dff897

 

Question Your Conclusions

Anxiety lies. Just think about it – when you’re sifting through all of the possible outcomes,  how many of them or positive or even neutral? Not very many, I expect. Yet, the reality is that many outcomes fall into these categories. But anxiety always assumes the worst.

So learn to question your conclusions. Where is this assumption coming from – facts or fears? If it’s the latter, you have permission to ignore the advice.

 

Implement a Gratitude Practice

When you’re grateful, you’re in the moment. When you’re anxious, you’re living in the future. Take some time every day to focus on those things that bring you joy and appreciation. Write them down in a place where you can return time and time again to literally count your blessings.

 

Listen to Others

We don’t do well when we live only within the echo chamber of our own minds. So allow other voices in. Hear their perceptive and their wisdom.

From others, we gain insight into ourselves and inspiration to keep trying.

 

Accept Anxiety as a Natural Response

We have evolved to experience anxiety as nature’s way of keeping us safe. We are primed to feel fear and uncertainty around novel situations to help guide our decisions in a safe direction.

Anxiety is natural. However, modern life doesn’t present us with the simple dilemmas our ancient ancestors faced. The question about whether the meat gained from hunting the large game is worth the risk has been replaced with the constant worry about your child’s ability to navigate the emotional fallout from divorce.

So it’s important to both accept your anxiety as a natural response to a potentially threatening and new situation and also expend effort to lessen your anxiety since the potential triggers are ongoing.

And always remember – you may feel anxious at any given moment, but YOU are not your anxiety.

coolnsmart-21321

Thought Patterns

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The way we pattern our thoughts has an enormous impact on our mental health and happiness. Thought patterns can be divided into two main categories. I’m going to call these recursive and input-output. A note to those who are math-phobic: I am going to use some math concepts to explain these thinking patterns. Stay with me; I promise I’ll make it simple:)

Recursive Thinking

In math, we can look at functions (think of these like a rule or pattern) recursively by only considering the output. The rule ignores the input completely and only considers the starting output and the pattern to get from one term to the next. For example, in the table below, the rule would say, “Start with 12 and add 3 each time.” Recursive rules feed upon themselves, with each output based on the one before. They are like a chain, with each term linked to the one before and the one after.

InputIn recursive thinking, your thought pattern is initiated by something: a memory, a trauma, a comment. Your thoughts then feed upon themselves with no regard for any external input. This type of thinking can lead to depression or anxiety as the brain simply continues the emotionally equivalent of “plus 3” with no end in sight. When you feel stuck emotionally, this is the type of pattern you are experiencing. When your reaction builds well beyond the initial stimulus, you are thinking recursively. When you feel sad or angry or anxious even in the face of calm, you are allowing the chain of thought to continue unbroken.

Input-Output Thinking

An input-output rule in math relates the output to the input. For example, in the (identical) table below, the input-output rule would say, “Multiply the input by 3 and add 9.” The output is dependent upon the input. Change the input, and you alter the output.

In input-output thinking, your reactions are based upon the external stimulus rather than your previous thoughts. You may be sad, but the emotion and associated thought patterns are due to your situation. You may respond in anger or feel fear but these are due to the inputs you experience. If you change the input, the associated thoughts will change with it.

Recursion is easy, effortless – which is why it is so valuable in computer programming. Its endless loops create the self-similarity needed for programs to run unaltered. Recursive thinking can be beneficial when it is positive in nature, but all too often it is the negative thoughts that pull us into its pattern.

Recursion has a weakness. Since each output is dependent upon the one before, if you break the chain, you break the pattern. If you catch yourself in this cycling thought pattern, find a way to interrupt the flow. Do something differently to break the cycle. Whatever you normally do or say, don’t. Recursion requires a hands-off approach to survive. So get your hands dirty and change it.

Then, consciously shift your thinking to input-output and deliberately choose positive inputs to encourage positive outputs. Surround yourself with nature, connect with friends, do something that feels good. Change the input and your thoughts will follow.

Input