I joined Pinterest a few months ago to see what all of the fuss was about and to share my quotes and book information. I spent a few hours over the next week exploring various topic streams and signing up to follow boards that I found interesting (fitness, vegetarian, inspirational quotes). I love Pinterest for inspiration and ideas (those pumpkin recipes floating around last month made me want to take a week off work to spend in the kitchen!). Despite the positive impact that pinning can have as a virtual muse and design board, I also see a dark side casting shadows on the perfect pictures.
Many pins have the effect of ramping up expectations, often to levels that are impossible without a trust fund, a gaggle of helpers, or rib-removal surgery. It’s so easy to get caught up in the beautiful pictures, one after another, and to let your mind fantasize. The images cement our daydreams, providing a goal that may be inspirational or may be utterly unattainable. There is a fine line between reading a quote layered over a fitness model and feeling encouraged to work out and feeling frustrated that no number of hours in the gym will be able to give you that physique.
English: Fitness Model posing with dumbell. Photo by Glenn Francis of http://www.PacificProDigital.com (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Nowhere does this setting of expectations get more out of hand than on the wedding boards. These are some of the most popular pins, making the rounds among women of all age: married, single and in-between. There are photos of elaborate dresses with price tags to match. Pictures of cakes with carefully crafted fondant. Images of budget-friendly decoration ideas. But they all have one thing in common. They’re perfect.
I get it. It’s much easier to focus on a single day than the parade of days that create a marriage. We can try to convince ourselves that a picture perfect wedding will somehow trickle down into the years of the marriage. Sadly, the proper shade of aubergine (what color is that, anyway!?!) for the bridesmaid’s dresses will not mitigate that recurring argument about the dishes. I wonder what a real life marriage board would look like? Probably not so perfect 🙂
Wedding Dress For Happy Couple in Love (Photo credit: epSos.de)
I fear that too much time spent perusing perfect pictures will move a person away from happiness as the gap between their expectations and reality grows ever wider. Be a discerning consumer of media of all types. Filter what you are exposed to and limit yourself to images that inspire you and lift you up. Watch yourself and be prepared to go on a media diet if you find that you are becoming too engrossed in the pursuit of perfection. And for goodness sake, please get off the wedding boards:)
Pin it then live it. Don’t let your dreams only exist in the digital world.
Yesterday morning, I received the following post on my Facebook page:
Would you be interested in going on a date with me? Say, dinner and a movie tonight? If so, could you please meet me at my place by 6:00 pm? Oh yeah, BTW I have a big dog that is really nice so don’t be scared when you see him. His name is Tiger (see pic below) and he is very sweet. Have a nice day and I hope to see you tonight.
Your friend, Brock
This request me giggling with glee and anticipation. It was so much better than the usual, “Hey, you wanna do dinner and movie tonight?” that we are both guilty of. So, of course, I accepted the date. I even showed up early:)
We decided to do dinner at a convenient little Mexicanish place down the street so that we could avoid the Friday post-work hell that is Atlanta traffic. We each got our usual: salad with beans and no dressing for me and salad with chicken and vinaigrette for him. Even though I’ve eaten hundreds of meals with this man, I noticed something last night for the first time.
A picture taken, of A Green Salad. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
The salad comes with the lettuce on the bottom of the bowl and then heaps of sour cream, guacamole, salsa, grilled veggies and, in his case, chicken, piled on top. Before Brock took a bite, he carefully blended the entire bowl, mixing the best parts in with the blander selections.
I looked down at my plate. I was doing my usual – eating the lettuce first and saving my favorite, the guacamole, until last. I also got to thinking about my ex.
Quick disclaimer here. I am not in the habit of comparing Brock and my ex. It is a pointless and potentially dangerous endeavor. However, sometimes aspects of Brock help to bring me more clarity about my ex.
My ex used to eat his favorite part of the meal first and then he would move on to the less palatable portions.
Revelation.
We eat like we approach life. Me? I tend to delay happiness and have no problem trudging through mediocrity to hopefully get there at some point. My ex? He had no problem going straight for what he wanted and had trouble delaying gratification. And Brock? I think he does it best, mixing satisfaction along with the necessities.
Now, Brock and I both tend to eat too quickly (I can thank being a teacher with 20 minute lunches for that one!). Maybe that’s a sign that we both need to slow down to savor life a bit more.
I know one thing. Next time I find myself eating a salad, I’m going to enjoy some guacamole with every bite.
P.S. Skyfall is Bond at its campy, fun, exciting best 🙂
A map based on the 2006 US Senate election (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Most Americans are looking forward to today with a mixture of anticipation (Will my candidate win?), trepidation (What if my guy loses?) and relief (Thank goodness all of this will be over.). It’s easy to get caught up in the energy and excitement of the numbers as they are discussed and displayed across TVs and computers, but it’s also a good time to step back and reflect.
Today is an exercise
in patience
This is a close election. We may not know the outcome until late tonight. Watching FOX or MSNBC all day won’t change that. Relax. Live your day. You’ll know the results soon enough.
in respect
This has been a very heated partisan election. My Facebook feed feels bipolar with extreme posts on both sides. When I find myself prickling at someone’s post, I take the time to remember the reasons I love that person and that they are much more than their political views. Listen to others with an open heart even if your mind doesn’t agree. We have more in common than we often realize.
in perspective
It’s easy to believe that the results of today’s election will determine the course of the next four years. It will, of course, have an impact, but is only a single variable in a sea of possibilities. Today, it is everything, but 20 years from now it will most likely be a hazy memory.
in speaking up
We are lucky to live in a country where our vote counts and we have the right to speak our minds. Take advantage of that right. Vote.
in letting go
Roughly half of the country will be disappointed tonight. If you are one of those, use this opportunity to practice letting go. Maybe your candidate didn’t win, but holding on to that will only keep you stuck in a bygone election. Rather than bemoan the results, create results in your own life. Besides, we’ll do this all over again in another four years.
Today was the first of many monthly payments on my ex-husband’s debt that I am responsible for (and we won’t even talk about the large sum that I paid last week to get the ball rolling). My hope all along was to be able to settle the debt in a lump sum so that I wouldn’t have the emotional bungee cord of monthly payments that can so easily pull me back into a state of anger and frustration. Obviously, my hope for a single lump sum did not manifest, so now I have to make the best out of the situation in which I find myself.
So, I am practicing what I preach. Each month, as I send the payment, I will add another item to a growing gratitude list. This forces me to steer my thoughts towards the present and the positive rather than getting mired in the muck of the past every lunar cycle. I won’t be sharing all of those on here, but I started with following today:
Brock – the love I never thought I would find
That’s a much nicer thought to be left with than one where I’m cursing my ex or wondering where the money went.
It’s strange. The loss of this money every month will hurt. It means that some things will have to be postponed indefinitely (Two Ladies Going to Verona) and my car better last for another 5 years. But still, it feels good in a purgative sort of way to release the funds. This is the last tangible tie (apart from the gift of crappy credit he left me with) to my ex and his deceptions. For 3 years, my money has not been securely mine as I’ve paid some of his debts and worked to negotiate others. With each payment, my burden of the past is lessened and I am one month closer to ownership of my income.
I’m not going to pretend it’s always easy. Some moments, I wish my checkbook had a special carbon where I could write a “Bad Karma” check to the bigamist at the same time I record a payment for his lies. The reality; however, is that such a check would hurt me more than it would hurt him simply by keeping my thoughts in the negative.
So, instead, I’ll picture a “Good Karma” carbon and I’ll focus on cultivating positive energy with each payment. Besides, I’m sure he’s cashing enough bad karma checks on his own; he doesn’t need me to endorse them.
In about two years, I’ll be free of this last tie to the past and I will have a wonderful list of 24 things for which I am grateful. I can live with that.
No, not in terms of time. In fact, technically, it was the worst race I’ve ever run. I’m sure you’d have to scroll though thousands of pages to even find my finish time. But that was never what it was about. I completed the 26.2 miles while having an amazing time running (and walking) through a beautiful city on a gorgeous day with awesome people and (mostly) good music and I crossed the finish line into the arms of an unbelievable man. I’d say I won the race:)
When I got into the car (very) early yesterday morning, my boyfriend handed me several folded notes, each with a mileage indicator. I was to open the notes along my run. It was like an advent calendar of marathon motivation. Unbelievable. That gesture and those notes set the tone for the whole day.
A little crumpled and sweat stained, but they’re still beautiful to me:)
I spent the drive to the start line arranging Gu, chapstick, and the above mentioned notes. I applied Glide wherever skin met fabric and I double-checked my shoe laces. I was ready.
I had over two hours to wait at the corrals before the race. It was chilly, but bearable, and I loved the look of historic Savannah under the almost-full moon. I met a woman in her 60’s who was working on running 100 marathons (this was 94). I asked her what her favorite one had been. Number two on her list blew me away: The Great Wall of China. What an amazing experience that would be!
We finally took off. I was feeling great and enjoying the music (especially the bagpipes around mile 6!) and the amazing support from the spectators. The local people were amazing – dancing, singing, and even blessing us as we ran by. The energy was infectious. And so was the motivation. Every person there had a reason for running marathons or that race in particular. As the Rock n Roll series raises money for cancer, there were thousands of runners with signs on their backs of loved ones they had lost. Others ran for different losses. I met many recent divorcees, people who ran to celebrate their recovery, and one woman who runs a marathon a year to maintain and celebrate her 160 lb weight loss. It was impossible to not be inspired.
Mile 7 was my game-changer. I injured my IT band almost two years doing Tough Mudder (and a 1/2 marathon the next weekend). I rehabed it and it hasn’t bothered me much in the past year or so. Until yesterday, that is. I felt the familiar pain and pull along the outside of my left leg. I spent a few miles using anything at my disposal to try to coax the fascia into loosening. I repeatedly used traffic cones to dig into the soft tissue and I even borrowed a broom from a volunteer so that I could roll my IT band with the handle. It wasn’t helping, nor was the Tylenol, ice, and wrap from the medical tent. By about mile 12, I had given up on this being the race I wanted. I realized that the leg would not get better and that my ability to run was severely hindered. Those were the tough miles. I gripped the 15 mile note from my boyfriend from mile 12 until it was time to open it. At that point, the course took us through the Savannah State campus and even around their track where the dance team and cheerleaders encouraged us on. That was great timing. As my pace slowed, I found myself amongst the running wounded and the more mature marathoners. That was okay with me. There is a spirit there in the back of the pack that felt right to me. I met a great man, Dennis, at the 24 mile marker. He was also hurting and, like me, was slowly giving up running in favor of walking. He said he would pull me across the finish line if I did the same for him. We both made it, limping and grinning.
Going into this race, I knew that it was going to be a mental game. I think it’s impossible to tackle that kind of distance and not have to dig into to your mental reserves. What surprised me; however, is that the race was very emotional. I first teared up at mile 5 at the kind words of a volunteer. From that point on, the tears hit every mile or so for just a few moments. The waterworks continued into the afternoon and evening as I recounted pieces of the race to my boyfriend and they even sit near the surface today. I’m not a crier and not prone to over-emotion, so this has been a surprise.
At the finish line. Finally!
The marathon was more symbolic of life and its struggles than I expected, as well. I went into the race expecting to run. I didn’t plan on the injury, but once it occurred, I had no choice but to accept it. I could have given up. In fact, there were times when the pain was so bad, I wanted to simply collapse where I was. But instead, I chose to continue. It wasn’t the journey I planned for, but it was a beautiful experience nonetheless. In my life, I never expected to be divorced. I didn’t plan for that injury either. But just like yesterday, I had a choice. And I chose to continue and even though it is not the life I anticipated, it is beautiful. Yup, I’d say I won:)
And, on a related note, I was happy to hear on Friday evening that mayor Bloomberg decided to cancel the New York marathon for this weekend. I understand the frustration of planning (and training, in the case of the runners) for so long and having to cancel at the last minute, but it was the right thing to do. And, as I’ve learned, marathoners understand that you can plan and prepare all you want, but that ultimately, you cannot control the outcome. I have the utmost respect for the runners who are using their pre-purchased trips to NY to assist in storm relief. You may not have run your race, but you certainly deserve a medal in my eyes.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 