What is a Tsunami Divorce?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

English: Tsunami hazard sign

What is a Tsunami Divorce?

A tsunami divorce is one that completely blindsides a spouse, flattening him or her with a wave that was never spotted.  A tsunami divorce is characterized by a normal marriage and a normal life up until the moment of total and utter destruction.  The spouse that embodies the wave may simply disappear, abandoning their significant other with little to no communication or explanation.  Infidelity, substance abuse, and mental illness can all play a role in a tsunami divorce.  The causes of a tsunami divorce are rooted in the past and far away from the marriage.  These contributing factors lay buried beneath the placid sea of the marriage until they burst forth in a great wall of destruction.

 

What Are the Effects of a Tsunami Divorce?

A tsunami divorce catches the other spouse completely off guard; it is a shock and awe campaign that leaves the survivor stunned and disoriented. One of the more damaging effects of a tsunami divorce is the survivor’s tendency to question him or herself about why no signs were spotted.  Others in their lives may echo this sentiment.  It is difficult to come to terms with the fact that the signs may have been minimal or only visible in the rearview mirror.  The survivor is left devastated by the end of the marriage, confused as to why it occurred, feeling foolish for being “taken,” and angry at the tsunami spouse.

 

How Does a Tsunami Divorce Differ From Other Divorces?

Most divorces have a long, slow decline or a visible, yet rapidly building disintegration.  This leads to a protracted period where one or both partners are wondering if they should stay or go.  There are nights spent feeling alone while one remains in the marital home.  There are difficult discussions and perhaps heated arguments.  One or both partners may be holding on to hope that things will get better or that he/she will change his/her mind.  This is a painful process that can slow or even stall healing.  On the other hand, it also allows time for pre-grieving of the marriage and it gives both partners a voice in the divorce.

In contrast, a tsunami divorce is sudden.  The marriage is often good up until the point it simply doesn’t exist anymore.  There are no painful discussions.  In fact, there are no discussions at all, which can leave the survivor feeling as though their voice has been stolen.  There is no chance to pre-grieve, but the healing process can be easier as the abrupt amputation leaves no room for false hopes and no hesitation in the correct path to follow.

 

What Are Some of the Lessons That Can be Learned by the Survivors of a Tsunami Divorce?

1) Understand that the causes of the tsunami are found in the past and far away. Don’t spend too much time there.
2) Examine your own tsunami warning system.  Did your fears and anxieties cause you to look away from some signs of the impending disaster?
3) Realize that, although your devastation was complete, the flattened earth is a clean slate.
4) Don’t be afraid to rebuild.  Statistically speaking, tsunamis are pretty rare.

 

Struggling to recover after being flattened by your own tsunami? Learn how to surf the overwhelming wave.

 

You can read the entire story of my tsunami divorce in my book Lessons From the End of a Marriage, available on Amazon.

 

 

The (Mostly) Unfortunate Side Effects of Being Ghosted

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Being ghosted is the relationship equivalent of the missing persons case. Except in this case, the person chose to go missing. Decided to disappear, leaving you abandoned and doubting.

Being ghosted is heartache seasoned with questions. It’s loss co-mingled with rage. It’s hard to know when to stop hoping and when to start grieving. It’s challenging to put down the mystery before the secret’s revealed and instead pick up the self-help and start to apply its principles.

Before you can move on from being ghosted, you have to understand the impact that it’s had on you. The unfortunate side effects of being ghosted:

Your confidence will take a hit as you question why you were unworthy of a conversation.

You will struggle to take others at their word and you will struggle even more with trusting your own perceptions and conclusions.

Balance between naivety and panic will be hard to find as you try to talk yourself off a ledge while at the same time looking up at the sky for the other shoe to slam into your head.

You may begin to grow towards perfectionism like a plant towards light, some inner voice whispering that you were left because you weren’t good enough.

Prior abandonment, through death, divorce or even adoption will be triggered. And the unwanted child within you will cry at night.

Details become everything. Data points to be combed and connected, looking for clues. And this is not only applied to the ghost, but to any new relationship as well.

The ghosting itself becomes a mystery, a rough stone that tumbles endlessly through your mind as you look for cracks that will reveal what happened. It’s easy to become obsessed with why it happened.

You may be swallowed by depression as the anger and blame is turned inward with no outward target in sight.

Trivial things will grow in importance – the last place you saw the person, the last word, the last embrace. They will grow until they almost overshadow the ghost themselves.

Small disappointments have the ability to become catastrophic as the ghosting has kicked one leg out from under you and it doesn’t take much to make you topple to the floor.

You’ll make sure that you can always be independent at the drop of a hat, financially and otherwise.

You become a screenwriter, crafting narratives around what happened and continuing the threads into an imagined future where you try to figure out where your ex is now.

Emotional walls are constructed in an attempt to keep one safe from others prone to disappearance. Walls that don’t discriminate and keep out the helpers as well as the ghosts.

Numbness sets in, spreading out from your frozen and shattered heart. Some days, it almost seems as though you’re outside yourself.

A fear of discord develops. After all, a disagreement can be a reason to leave.

The rituals of coming and going take on a greater importance. Reassurance that the person will return and celebration when they have.

Certain headlines and news stories catch your eye and you always search for their name.

You may fight an urge to be clingy, wrapped so tightly around someone that they cannot easily shake you off.

You scan crowds looking for signs of your ghost. It’s a bit like a horror movie – you don’t want to look, but you’re compelled to.

You respond irrationally to anything that reminds you of the precursors of the ghosting.

Rage will fill you at the unfairness of it all and you will scream at the injustice of having your voice taken away from you.

Mystery is eventually pushed out by clarity as you start to put together the pieces you were unable or unwilling to see before.

You will begin to see a distinction between you and your ghost, who you are will no longer be defined by what happened to you.

With some time and some distance, relief will begin to permeate. Relief that you’re alive. And even relief that they’re gone.

And at some point, the side effects will be gone as well.

 

For a great piece about the characteristics of ghosters, click here.

And if you want to explore the benefits of being ghosted (no, really), check this out!

A Day-By-Day Survival Guide to Get You Through the First Month of an Unwanted Divorce, Part 2

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Click here to read how to get through days 1-10!

Day Eleven

Breathe. In times of trauma and transition, it’s all-too-easy to limit the breath. Set aside some time, sit or lie down in a safe and comfortable space and invite the breath in. Put one hand on your belly and one hand on your chest and feel them expand.

BreatheYou are learning to breathe again.

Day Twelve

Watch your words.

Be careful what you say to others. Once it is uttered, it cannot be unsaid. Speak what you feel. Give voice to your fears. Try not to lash out in blame.

Be mindful of what you say to yourself. The words we say to others have influence. The words we say to ourselves have power. To thine own self be kind.

And when you slip up (and you WILL slip up), be gentle with yourself. And vow to keep working at getting better.

Day Thirteen

Take note of your support system. Who and what do you have in place to help you through the next several months? Are there any gaps? Brainstorm how to fill them in.

Compose a message to your primary supporters. Let them know specifically what they can do to help and also communicate anything you don’t want from them.

Day Fourteen

Get outside. You’ve spent two weeks feeling like your world is over. Get into the environment (I don’t care if it’s too hot/ too cold/ too wet – just do it!) and observe the natural cycles and the grand scale of life.

Your life isn’t over. It’s a season change. A painful and sudden one. But a change, not an end.

IMG_5948

Day Fifteen

Give yourself permission to grieve. You may feel as though you don’t have the right to mourn because everyone involved is still alive. You may feel as though you have not earned the right to be sad because you were somehow not enough. You may feel pressure and blame from others for “failing” at marriage.

That’s all bullocks.

Divorce is a loss not only of the past but of the imagined future. And it hurts like hell.

Life Sucks

Day Sixteen

Lose yourself. Allow yourself to be fully consumed by something – a book, a movie, a Netflix binge, a birthday party, a day at the zoo with the kids.

For a few hours, set aside reality and just be in the moment. When the intrusive thoughts come, gently push them away with a promise to attend to them later. If you’re afraid they’ll ruin the day, set aside some time before the escape to cry yourself dry. I promise, it helps.

Day Seventeen

Tackle the task you’ve been putting off. Maybe this is starting to pack some items. Maybe it’s telling the kids. Or maybe it’s some paperwork the lawyer has asked you to assemble.

Divorce is full of unsavory assignments. And as with anything, procrastination only prolongs the dread. Striking that one thing off you to-do list will help you feel a little lighter. A little more hopeful.

Day Eighteen

Move. Whether you’re vibrating with anxious energy or you feel drained of all vitality, exercise will help you feel better. This doesn’t need to be anything fancy. You’re not looking to win any awards or even to commit to a program. Just move.

Go for a walk, take a yoga or Zumba class, or even just spend some intentional time stretching your body. When we’re stressed, the mind and the body disconnect. Make the intention of the day to begin to reconnect your mind and your body.

presentlife

Day Nineteen

You don’t have to wait until you are healed to begin living. There are smiles to be found amongst the tears.

So today, find your smile again. You may have to hunt for it. The effort is worth it.

Day Twenty

You have lost so much. You are hurting and scared. Lost and lonely.

But that is not all you are and all you have.

Write a gratitude list (nothing radical yet, that comes much later), enumerating all that you currently have in your life to be thankful for.

Post the list where you see every morning. And read it as you begin each day.

There is beauty still in your life. Embrace it.

okay

Click here for days 21-30!

Pros and Cons of a Disappearing Act

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Being abandoned sucks. The shock alone is enough to stop your heart. And then, once it starts beating again, all you want to to is yell at your so-called partner who thought it was acceptable to simply walk away with no notice and no dialog. It steals your voice. It leaves you in a perpetual state of uncertainty and doubt. It means you never had a chance to fight for your marriage and you’re left alone to try to sort through the mess of what’s left. Friends and family question what about you was so bad to cause your spouse to slink away like a thief in the night. It calls the entire relationship into question. And there are no answers to be found.

Yeah, there’s no doubt. Being abandoned sucks.

But, as with everything, there is another side. One I have fully embraced (it was either that or go crazy). And one explored, somewhat humorously, by Chump Lady. One of my favorite lines from her? “You mistook this ice cube for a human being. It happens. Maybe you bred with the ice cube. I’m sorry.” Thank goodness I didn’t procreate with my ice cube and his vasectomy ensures he never will.

 

So, here are the pros and cons of abandonment as I see them. I’d love to hear your additions as well.

 

Pros

-It’s efficient. There’s no long, protracted “do we stay together or split?” period.

-You never get your hopes up. You know it’s over.

-The no-contact advice is really easy to follow.

-You know he/she is a jerk (regardless of what you thought before) and you don’t waste time pining over him/her.

-You don’t have to make the difficult decision about divorce. Even if your spouse leaves it to you to file (as in my case), it’s a clear course of action.

-You may have been lied to (for years, even), but the lies are over. You don’t have to listen to any more deceptions.

-You don’t have to spend any awkward time living in the same house as your soon-to-be-ex. Although you may have to clean out his/her underwear drawer if they left without their belongings.

-If you need evidence to prove “fault” for the divorce or custody laws in your state, you’ll have plenty of fodder.

-You’ll spend less time divorcing so you can get busy healing.

-It makes for an interesting divorce story.

 

Cons

-The shock is horrific. It literally almost killed me when I dropped 20 lbs in a week and developed an abnormal heart rhythm.

-You feel discarded. Like you weren’t even good enough to have a discussion with.

-You feel so angry, yet there is no one to yell at.

-You will always wonder what happened. And answers, even false ones, never come.

-You may discover a hidden life, complete with betrayals from sexual to financial.

-You will be blamed. Everyone always insists there are two sides to every story. Even when you didn’t know there was a story.

-You have no time to get used to the idea of being single. You’re married and then “poof!,” you’re not.

-It makes it hard to trust again. If one partner disappeared without warning, what’s to stop the next from doing the same.

-It’s difficult to sort through the marriage and identify areas where you could improve without assuming the guilt for the whole enchilada.

-If you have kids, their relationship with the disappearing parent will be affected at best and absent at worst.

 

Looking at those lists, I’m sure glad that I didn’t have to make a choice between the two. It goes without saying that they’re both awful, horrible, no good, very bad experiences. But, as I’ve said before, happiness is divorce in the rearview mirror. Get through and get on.

 

 

 

 

Mystery

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The story of this missing plane just keeps getting stranger. It’s interesting to me to watch how surprised people are that we do not yet have answers. How shocked people are that it remains a mystery even in the face of technology and manpower. We like to read mysteries, not live them. We crave the information that can fit the pieces of the puzzle.

I caught part of an interview yesterday with the wife of one of the passengers. I ached for her. She is caught in limbo, understanding that most likely, she will never see her husband again yet also lacking the concrete information that lets her begin to grieve.The questions, the mystery keep her anchored in maybe. And that’s a horrible place to live.

I know. I lived there myself for a few days. Yes, I had a text and a typed letter when my ex left, but I no information. What he left was worthless, gave no real answers. All I knew was that one moment, I had a husband who said he loved me and couldn’t wait for me to get home and the next, I had a brief electronic communication saying he was gone. Disappeared.

For the first twenty-four hours, I had no information. I didn’t know if he was alive or if the letter was really a suicide note. My mind raced, trying on different scenarios for fit. In some, in walked back in the door and explained it was all a mistake. In others, his body was found in a motel. I couldn’t rest. I needed to know.

As with most mysteries, information dribbled in. I learned that all the money was gone. I found proof of another woman. Then, I figured out what state he was in. That was the point where I first filed for divorce (less than a week after the text). The first go-round, the plan was to file by publication because his true location was still unknown.

And I was still restless. I knew some things, but I still didn’t understand why. And then I learned about Uganda and found some more answers. And then the bigamy, which answered some things and raised more. I was dogged. Determined. I needed to know. I searched for information with the same desperate urge as preteen reading the battle scene in the final Harry Potter. I could not stop turning pages even knowing that I may not like what I would learn.

In the end, that search provided the pieces that I fit into the puzzle years later. I still don’t know if I built it correctly. And I never really will. That search cost me, in terms of additional money spent for the divorce and in time spent playing Sherlock Holmes.

But, when I saw the face of that poor woman on TV last night, it’s a cost I’m glad I spent.

If  it was still a mystery, I would always be wondering.

At least now I know. And I can lay it to rest.

I hope that the families of the passengers on the missing place find answers soon so that then they can work on finding peace.