5 Reasons Why the Anticipation Is Often Worse Than the Reality

Posted on by stilllearning2b
anticipation

The yoga classes I take are usually of the hot variety. The room is heated to around 96° with humidity that threatens to fog the glass by the end of class. I’ve been practicing hot yoga long enough that the temperature doesn’t usually phase me after the initial shock of entering the studio.

This morning was a little different. It was warm enough, as Atlanta tends to be in the summer, that my AC was running at a steady clip as I drove to the studio. Even before 10:00 am, the heat radiating off the blacktop caused beads of sweat to form along my hairline as I walked across the parking lot.

When I walked in, the entire studio was already balmy from the combination of the earlier class and the scorching temperatures outside. I started to slip my shoe off to tuck it under the bench when I paused.

My mind started traversing through the expected sensations of the class. I was already hot and I began to dread the idea of willingly allowing myself to become even hotter. As I anticipated the discomfort caused by the intense heat, I contemplated slipping my shoe back on and heading to the sanity of the air conditioned gym.

My anticipation told me to focus on the discomfort rather than the outcome.

 

Anticipation is a mixture of prudent foresight and alarmist anxiety. It tempts us by promising that preparation is key. And then it traps us in a potentially endless cycle of “what ifs” and worry.

1 – Anticipation Is Often Pessimistic

Anticipation has a devious habit of focusing only on the worst possible outcomes. The delayed arrival home is attributed to a bad accident. The upcoming public speaking engagement will surely be met with ridicule. The readout on the scale must be a sure sign that the latest attempt at healthy eating isn’t working.

The problem with anticipation is that one known fact is then followed by a series of thoughts like the rungs on the ladder, a linear progression of if…thens… leading to false conclusions. The reality is more like a web of millions of possible paths and outcomes following any given fact.

 

2 – Anticipation Focuses on the Hardship Rather Than the Overcoming Of It

As the small plane slowly climbed to 14,000 feet, I glanced back at the small carabiner that was technically the only thing keeping me from being sucked out of the open doorway. With each foot of increased altitude, my anticipation of jumping out of the plane climbed as well. I was mentally rehearsing the walk to the door and standing in the open and roaring maw without the perceived security of holding onto the frame. My anticipation was so focused on getting out of the plane, that I was completely caught off guard by the sensations after I left its metal body.

And that’s how anticipation is. It builds and builds like a roller coaster clicking up the first, large hill. It only sees the initial gut-wrenching drop, the first step, the beginning onslaught. Anticipation rarely addresses how we might overcome the hardship or how we might feel once our feet are back on the ground.

 

3 – Anticipation Causes You to Live Life’s Hardest Moments Multiple Times Over

By the time my ex husband left the marriage, I had already lost him dozens of times over in my imagination. It had been my greatest fear. And even though those nightmares only occurred in my own mind, they felt real. I experienced that gut-hollowing feeling several times due to my anticipation and apprehension of living without him.

Once that worst case scenario really did occur, I only had to experience it once more. Even as I struggled to breathe through the pain, I found comfort in the knowledge that once I moved through each stage, I would never again have to revisit it. Even in my dreams.

 

4 – Anticipation Robs You of the Benefit of Action

Anticipation is like playing chess only without the ability to ever move your pieces even as your opponent zeroes in on your queen. The purely mental exercise of anticipation can lead to a feeling of powerlessness and futility.

When the anticipated becomes reality, it is often accompanied by a driving need to do something. Action provides a sense of progress. Of control. Of purpose. As long as we’re moving, we’re happier. 

 

5 – Anticipation Causes a Break in the Mind-Body Connection

When something challenging actually occurs, the body immediately steps up to assist. Adrenaline production is increased, causing the focus to narrow to only the most important and increasing the heart rate to encourage action. Cortisol joins the efforts and helps to increase the glucose supply to the muscles, prioritizing immediate energy over longer-term storage.

After enduring horrific traumas or extended periods of extreme difficulty, many people will state they have no idea how they made it through. And part of that amnesia and associated sense of disconnection from that period is due to the body’s chemistry working as both a motivator and a funnel, directing the mind towards choices that favor survival. Perhaps most importantly, the action required bleeds the stress hormones from the body, eventually allowing the return of a normal physical state.

When we’re anticipating, our minds are engaged in the full horror of the event. Our bodies, unaware that the terror is purely imaginary, dutifully step up the production of stress hormones. Only this time, without the accompanying action to deplete the hormone stores, their elevated levels soon become the norm, leading to life lived at threat level red.

 

 

I completed my yoga class today. The actual discomfort from the elevated heat was far, far less than what I had anticipated. And taking the class on such a hot day had an unexpected benefit – the August air felt cool as it kissed my shimmering skin on the way back to the car.

A beautiful reminder of the quote by Mark Twain, “I have experienced many troubles in my life, most of which never happened.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Three Powerful Lessons About Finding Love From An Unlikely Source

Posted on by stilllearning2b
love lessons

Because sometimes the way to learn to do something better is to start with what we already know…

shopping-2411667__480

You know: Never go to the grocery store when hungry.

When you succumb to the grocery store on an empty stomach, you’re possessed by a powerful drive to grab anything in your sight. You have a tendency to zero in on high-calorie items, especially those stocked for maximum visual impact. Your reasoning and planning abilities are sluggish, which may lead to a full cart but an empty pantry as you later realize you forgot the staples.

In contrast, when you navigate the store on a full stomach, you find it easier to stick to your list of needed items and resist those temptations that look good only to leave you feeling bad.

Love lesson: Never date when starving for affection.

When you’re starving for attention and affection, you may enter the dating scene driven by that ravenous and undiscriminating hunger. You’re likely to grab anything that catches your eye with little thought to its long-term impact.

Instead, strive to fill the voids in your life with friends, family, hobbies, passions and purpose before you seek out romantic love. You will make better choices for the long term and be better able to stick to your list of “must haves.” And you’ll also find it easier to pass on those people that make you feel good in the moment only to cause regret in the morning.

You know: Your cart only has so much space.

A grocery cart has finite space and so decisions must be made about what will be chosen to occupy that real estate. Maybe you notice a sale on soda and you’re tempted to fill the basket until the cans pile over the brim. You may justify this decision, claiming that you’re taking advantage of a good deal and that you never know when such a sale may come around again.

But at what expense? Yes, you’ll have soda for months. But you can’t live on pop alone.

Love lesson: Sometimes you have to let go of what makes you feel good in the moment in order to make space for what fulfills you long term.

Once we have allowed someone space in our lives, we tend to justify their place there even when they may not have been the wisest choice. It can be easy to focus on the parts that fit while actively ignoring the reasons why it’s not a good idea.

It’s a version of FOMO (fear of missing out). Because as long as that person is there, you know you have someone. If you let them go, you risk being alone. But there’s only so much space. And sometimes you have to let go of one thing in order to make room for what you need.

You know: Junk food may be quick and easy, but it is detrimental to your health.

So called “food deserts” earned their moniker not from a lack of food, but from a lack of quality food. Processed foods are tempting because they require little investment of time or money. They promise sustenance and indeed provide some feeling of satiety. These “foods” have been carefully engineered to promote maximum consumption and to encourage dependency.

However, in the longer run, these foods can cause starvation even as they widen the waistline since key nutrients have been replaced with fillers and empty calories. Healthy foods take effort, intention and planning as you turn the raw ingredients into something that will both nurture and fortify you.

Love lesson: Healthier relationships take time and energy to prepare.

Quick fixes are tempting in love as well. Those relationships that ignite quickly and fill you with both a surge of temporary well-being and a driving need for more. They can become a drug, leading you to always search for that next spark of interest. Only to leave you empty and lonely once the initial attraction fades.

Healthier relationships are built from the ground up. There is effort. Intention. Sustained energy and shared responsibility. And the pride and ownership that comes from doing something yourself.

The End of a Relationship: The Leavers and The Left

Posted on by stilllearning2b
end relationship

This piece, about what happens to the people that leave relationships abruptly and/or with deception, caused quite a stir on Facebook recently. The comments fell into two camps: “Thank you for validating my experience” and “I’m the one who left my marriage and I’m tired of being painted as the bad guy.”

The reaction got me thinking about our overall views and assumptions about those that leave a relationship versus those that stay. Rarely, is it as simple as leaver = bad and left = good. Let’s explore what it means to be the one who leaves versus the one who is left behind.

The Leaver

Anyone who has chosen to end a marriage faces societal stigma. No matter how sensitively and maturely (don’t worry, we’ll talk about the jerks in a minute) they approach the divorce, they do often face the bulk of the criticism and blame. Those on the outside may paint the leaver as a quitter, not willing to put in the work to sustain a marriage. Even without any suggestion of impropriety, people may question if there was an affair that prompted the decision. Friends of both partners may empathize more with the one who has been left and put the responsibility for the pain at the feet of the leaver.

The spouse that is left may lash out in pain, a struggle to accept the situation morphing into an attack on the departing spouse. Because no matter how much the leaver tries to deliver the news with compassion, the pain screams louder than any concern. In an attempt to garner more sympathy, the left may spin stories about their ex, painting them as horrible instead of human. And for someone who struggled mightily with the decision to leave, this can be an additional punch to the gut.

It is often assumed that the decision to leave was made rashly, selfishly. Yet for the non-jerks, it may well have been an internal battle that had been tearing them up for years. And the decision may have been made as much for the well-being of the other spouse or the children as for the happiness of the one who made the decision.

Sometimes a spouse demonstrates great courage and character by deciding to end the marriage. This is certainly the case when an abused partner gathers the conviction to leave their abuser. It is also the case where boundaries have repeatedly been ignored and promises left unfulfilled; it takes bravery to say, “Enough is enough” and be willing to walk away. And this can also be true when the marriage has real issues and the one who leaves is the only one willing to peak beneath the facade of perfection.

Those who leave are taking a blind dive into the unknown (I know some have a new bed already made; we’ll get to the jerks soon!). They are the ones making that choice and willingly accepting the repercussions. In the case of the good folks, they may agonize over the best way to announce the end so that it causes as little pain as possible.

The leaver may appear to be rational, even cold, after the news is delivered. For the non-jerks, this is usually a combination of months or years adapting to this decision and a need to start creating some emotional distance. They may be dealing with massive guilt and simply can’t bear to see the destruction of the family from the front row. The withdrawal can read as non-caring when it may simply be self-protection.

When it comes to the jerks, their motivations and approach are entirely different. They often exhibit cowardice when leaving – choosing to disappear completely, painting their unsuspecting spouse as the malicious one, embezzling marital funds to ease the transition, or cultivating an affair so that they can slide out of one bed and into another. They make no attempt to soften the blow and may even appear to revel in their ex’s pain. Their reasons for leaving are selfish in nature and may even involve years of deceptions and manipulations. Some of them are ignorant, some of them are mental ill and some of them are just assholes. And they are a big part of the reason we tend to stigmatize those that leave a marriage.

The Left

The spouse who is left usually has the benefit of society’s empathy and commiseration. We’ve all felt the pain of rejection and so it’s easy to put ourselves in that person’s shoes. Even though there still may be some judgment, usually in the form of, “What did you do to make them leave?” it is less pervasive than the criticism faced by the one who leaves.

The one who is left may be in shock and, as a result of not being prepared for this sudden change, may make decisions that seem strange or even harmful. Even though they may not face the same stigma, they may feel pummeled by a storm of the “shoulds” by well-intentioned friends and family.

Sometimes, the one who is left demonstrates perseverance and hope, aware of the issues in the marriage and determined to address them. Maybe they have sought counseling, taken the hard looks inside and made the personal changes needed to improve the marriage. When their partner throws in the towel, they may feel angry that their efforts were wasted.

Other times (like in my case), the one who is left is cowardly, afraid to see the reality of the marriage in case a mere glance is enough to shatter what remains. Maybe they are more afraid of being alone than of staying put and so they close their eyes to the facts. Or perhaps they struggle to take responsibility for their own actions (and consequences), so they stay put hoping that their spouse will be the one to take the leap (and assume the culpability).

The ones who stay may be motivated out of codependence, a belief that they can “fix” their partner. They may be willing to be a doormat, preferring to be trampled on than not needed at all. If there is abuse, they may stay because they’ve been led to believe that they “deserve” the mistreatment (abuse is never okay!) and they lack the self-worth needed to make an escape.

The one who is left may be blindsided by the split (raises hand) or may have played an active role in triaging and trying to treat the marriage. For the former, the one-sidedness of the end can not only create immense shockwaves, it can also make it harder to move out of a victim mindset. For the latter, they may feel gratitude towards their partner for taking that needed (and uncomfortable) step.

No matter the nature of the end, the way that the leaver handles it is a key factor in how the one who is left will respond. The worst ways include abandonment and character assassination. The best, a calm and in-person conversation with time to talk after the initial news has been processed. And that responsibility lies entirely with the leaver, which means the one who is left often feels powerless about the decision and the way it was handled. And this helplessness is perhaps the worst part of being left.

(I’m not going to get into the myriad effects of being left by a jerk here; I feel like I’ve addressed that enough over the years!)

Divorce isn’t easy for anyone, whether you were the one who decided the marriage was over or you were the one who received the news. Regardless of your situation, you are responsible for your actions after the decision has been made. Strive to act with compassion and kindness towards yourself and others. Divorce is hard enough as it is, there’s no need to make it harder.

15 Ways Fear Hides in Plain Sight

Posted on by stilllearning2b
fear

It’s one of the few times my mom ever screamed at me. Because of that, the memory is seared into my mind.

I was six years old and ecstatic to visit the “Happiest Place on Earth” for the first time. We were standing at one of the monorail stations, waiting to board the next high-speed train. Curious about the way the unique system functioned, I darted off through the crowd to peer down into the track.

My mom’s angry shriek brought me back from the edge.

But it wasn’t really anger she was expressing, was it?

It was fear.

Fear is a strange emotion. Sometimes it’s easily visible – the shaking hands, the trembling voice, the widened eyes. It can be expressed as worry or anxiety. Or marked with the words, “I’m scared” or “I’m nervous.”

But even more frequently, fear masquerades as something else, especially in people who have been taught that it’s “weak” to show fear or, like with watching your child about to be hit by a train, the fear completely overrides the system. Additionally, fear is not a pleasant emotion and we often allow it to morph into other forms in an attempt to distance ourselves from the discomfort.

So the fear manifests as anger or control or dependency. And if we can learn to recognize – and respond to – the fear behind the mask, we can improve the communication and the interaction.

The following are fifteen common ways that fear hides in plain sight:

1 – Anger

“You’re never going to see the sun again!” the mom angrily threatens when her teenager shows up three hours after curfew. “You’re grounded for the rest of your life!” The parent certainly comes across as furious, with their reddened face and raised voice. But their slight tremble reveals the true emotion – fear that their child wasn’t returning home at all.

2 – Rejection

“I’ve realized I always seem to break up with guys right when we’re getting close,” my friend revealed to me one day. To the men, this behavior read as surprise rejection. Upon further consideration, my friend determined that she ended things out of a fear of growing closer and getting hurt.

3 – Isolation

I am fascinated with the people on the show Life Below Zero, especially Sue, who lives in an extremely isolated camp near the arctic circle. She never reveals much of life story, but her drive to be alone speaks to a deep-seated fear of being close to people.

4 – Irritability

“Why isn’t he picking up his phone,” I grumbled to myself, feeling my annoyance build. On the surface, my irritation stemmed from not having an immediate answer to my benign question. But beneath that impatience was a burgeoning fear that the call went unanswered due to some tragic accident.

5 – Stubbornness

Teaching me to ride a bike was a true exercise in my patience for my parents. Even though I was physically capable of mastering the technique by the age of 7 or so, it took an additional 3 years (and plenty of banana split bribes) for me to lose the training wheels for good. On the outside, I exhibited stubbornness, a resistance to practicing or to removing the supports. On the inside, I was afraid of falling.

6 – Control

Upon hearing about her daughter’s plans to marry before obtaining a college degree, a mother begins to try to dissuade the daughter and the intended husband through manipulation. It comes across as controlling, yet it stems from the mother’s fear that her daughter will not be able to look after herself.

7 – Meanness

The new girl showed up at my school in the middle of eighth grade. She was tall, blond, beautiful and had the best style any of us had ever seen. As the boys tripped over themselves in an attempt to get to know her, the popular girls began immediately to slander her reputation and make her life miserable. This “mean girl” routine was performed out of fear, the popular girls afraid that this interloper would steal their top spot and move them down the (very important in middle school) social ladder.

8 – Delusion

“I won the computer in a raffle at that networking thing I went to today,” explained my then-husband as he placed the new MacBook Pro on the kitchen island. The claim didn’t resonate as true, yet I still accepted his alibi. Because seeing the truth – that my husband was capable of extreme deceit, was too scary to face.

9 – Clowning

I had one student that would become disruptive towards the end of every unit of study. He would interrupt, annoy other students and basically treat the classroom like his own personal stage. Once I became aware of the cyclical nature of the behavior, it became apparent that the clowning was an attempt for him to manage his anxiety about not being prepared for the upcoming assessment.

10 – Distraction

I stood in line for the extreme roller coaster that advertised the steepest drop in the country. As people approached the start of the line, where the view of the first plummet jutted out at a sickening angle, they began to pull their phones out of their pockets and turn their attentions to something less frightening.

11 – Overly Cautious

“I don’t want to get a driver’s license,” the seventeen-year-old revealed to me. I don’t want that responsibility. The former student was one of the more mature ones that I have taught and was more than capable of safely handling a motor vehicle. Although she never admitted that she was afraid of the liability that comes with a license, it was clear that she was holding back out of fear.

12 – Judgmental

“I would NEVER get divorced,” a person on Twitter announced to me. “I would stay and fight for my marriage.” At first, I grew defensive, reacting to the subtext that I too-easily quit on my marriage. Then, it registered that this person’s judgment was really just a veil over their fear of losing their own marriage.

13 – Barriers

“Hi, I’m Lisa. I’m moving out of state within the next few months.” This was basically how I started my first several dates after divorce. I was afraid of getting hurt again, so I basically refused to allow anyone entry.

14 – Dependency

The eighth grader felt more like a preschooler, with his lack of maturity and independence. Once I met his mom and heard her story of a string of miscarriages and years of infertility finally leading to one successful birth, I understood. She was so afraid of losing another child, that she was determined to keep her surviving one a child forever.

15 – Overcompensation

He was easily the largest man in the gym, his biceps roughly the size of my head. Yet although he looked the part of confident bodybuilder, his physique was born of insecurity, a fear that he wasn’t quite enough.

How Yoga Can Help You Through Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I rarely give the advice that people should do a certain thing. After all, we are all different with unique needs and situations.

But today I’m making an exception.

Because this one thing is really that transformative.

If you give it a chance.

Before I explain all of the reasons why yoga will improve your life, I’m going to first dispel some of the myths I frequently hear:

Yoga is not something you have to be flexible to do. In a purely physical sense, yoga is something you do to become flexible. A good teacher can work with you no matter your body type or limitations.

Yoga is not only physical exercise. Yoga is as much in the mind as in the body. In fact, it’s about connecting mind and body. Yes, you get a tight booty but even more importantly, you’ll get a balanced mind.

Yoga is not about wearing the latest tight yoga pants (although you certainly can) or rocking the latest lululemon mat. It’s about connecting breath and movement and as long as your bits are covered, nobody really cares what you’re wearing.

Yoga is not about being trendy. That is IF you find the right studio. Take the time to find the space and the people that fit your needs. Yoga is about connecting with yourself on the mat and experiencing the energy of the group.

Yoga is not one size fits all. You can find everything from super-intense and fast-pasted hot classes to yin classes that often find people falling asleep.

Yoga is not always spiritual. But it can be. Again, look for what meets your needs. Most classes will have some sort of centering and intention-setting at the beginning and some sort of guided meditation/ reading at the end.

Yoga is not necessarily expensive. You can find it taught in churches, community centers and the YMCA. Many communities even offer free classes. And even though it’s not the same as a live class, there are even free videos on YouTube.

Yoga is not just for women. Or skinny people. Or young people. Or [fill in the blank] people.

Do you have a body? Do you have a mind?

Then yoga is for you:)

With me so far? Cool. Now, here’s why yoga is so incredibly powerful for those going through divorce:

Are you feeling sad?

The movement of yoga releases endorphins that help to improve your mood. I recommend a moderate to fast paced movement class (usually called vinyasa) here because it helps to get you out of your head and the pace challenges the body some. If you’re really struggling, try hot yoga, the sweat hides any tears 🙂

Are you feeling anxious or struggling with PTSD-like symptoms?

This was my primary issue and yoga was my biggest ally. I know it seems crazy, but some of the poses cause the mind to panic (especially if it’s a hot class). In life, we’re used to avoiding discomfort. Yoga teaches you to be with it, soften to it and let your breath calm the mind (literally taming the amygdala). Learn those lessons on the mat and you’re better able to handle triggers in the world beyond the studio. Also, it’s worth looking for a teacher who is trained in trauma yoga – they do some incredible work.

Are you angry?

I’m always amazed as the emotions that arise on the mat. And anger is a common one (and not just when the instructor has you doing too much core work!). Good teachers recognize this and even structure classes to elicit certain feelings. And then they carefully guide you to slow your breathing and find your intention again. And that’s a good skill to have.

Are you lonely?

Much of loneliness comes from being disconnected from yourself. And yoga has a way of bringing you home. Apart from that, when you practice in a group, there is an amazing sense of energy that comes from hearing the breath and sensing the movements around you. If you want to chat before or after class, no problem. And if you just want to be left alone, you’ll probably find that people will respect that as well. And if you’re looking for new friends, search out a studio that does day or longer trips (I may go to Costa Rica with my studio this fall!!!).

 

Are you struggling with comparison?

Is Facebook bringing you down with its endless supply of happy families? Is the news that your ex is getting married hitting you hard? Yoga is a great teacher about the danger of comparing ourselves to others. Just the other day, I nailed crow pose (3 times!!!) for the first time ever. I was stoked. The next day, I started to enter the pose, caught sight of the women next to me doing a harder version, and immediately fell. Yoga is a reminder to keep your mind on your mat and disregard what others think of you and what is going on around you. I love when the teacher says something like, “Don’t worry how xyz pose looks on your neighbor. Your body is unique and the poses will look different for you.” YES!!!

Are you engaging in negative self talk?

Try this little experiment – stand in a one-legged balance pose while you’re focused on your breathing. Now, start engaging in your preferred negative self-banter. Did you fall? That’s the usual response. Yoga teaches you to be loving and accepting of yourself exactly where you are. And when you falter, you often get a physical reminder.

Are you worried about finding your sexual self again?

I just read a study recently that practitioners of yoga have better sex lives. It makes sense. You become more comfortable with your body, more in tune with your physical senses and better able to pay attention to details. And you don’t need a partner to get started.

Are you feeling hopeless?

Yoga does a great job of teaching acceptance in the now and faith in the future. It breaks everything down to the tiniest steps and encourages you to always focus on this breath. And then this one. And before you know it, a full hour has passed. You made it. And you can keep making it!

Are you scared and struggling with fear?

One of the ways I learned to trust again was on the yoga mat. You learn that one leg really is enough to hold you and all that trembling is just noise that can safely ignored. You learn that you can lean back in a twist beyond your self-imposed limits. You learn to let go rather than grasp. And you know what? It’s okay. Strangely enough, the slower classes often trigger this panic (and teach you how to handle it) better than the faster ones. In life, we often keep ourselves busy so that we don’t have to feel. This time to slow down is a gift to yourself.

Are you experiencing a lack of control in your life?

Yoga is more about learning to use the muscles you have than building new ones. When you’re feeling shaky and unstable in a pose, all you need is a simple verbal instruction or well-placed hand to guide you and you activate all those little stabilizing muscles you didn’t know you had. You gain a sense of control (and some soreness the next day!).

Are you having a hard time letting go of expectations?

There is a reason that yoga is always called practice. Because it’s never perfected. Yoga teachers coach you not to worry about where you were last week or even the previous pose. Be where you are in the moment at that moment. You’ll learn that the best practices are those that you approach with an open mind.

Are you feeling overwhelmed?

I folded into a half-moon the other day with my hand to the floor (as I usually do). My balance was off for some reason. Instead of giving up, I reached for the block next me and slid it under my hand before resuming the pose. Yoga is full of modifications and props to use when you become overwhelmed. And learning to ask for and receive help is a valuable life skill at any time.

Are you struggling with confidence?

Yoga is accessible to anyone on their first day. Yet there’s always room to improve. And that feeling of accomplishment and confidence when you finally nail that crow pose? Priceless! (Just don’t look over at your neighbor.)

Are you looking for love again?

Okay, I can’t promise that yoga can do this for you. But it can’t hurt:)

Have you tried yoga? What benefits has it given you? 

Are you thinking about trying it? What questions or concerns do you have?

You know my thoughts – Let’s hear yours!