The First Tears of the New Year…

Posted on by stilllearning2b

and I am happy to report that they are tears of relief.  Validation.  Gratitude.

What prompted these tears, you ask?

A letter and check in the mail from none other than the IRS.  Along with his other deceptions, my ex-husband was apparently dishonest on taxes, filing different information that what I was shown. I first learned of this when a certified letter arrived at the house days after he left, demanding payment for a 2006 audit.  The certified format was evidence that he had been aware of and dodging the issue for  some time.  I immediately paid that bill and the three others that arrived over the next two years.

In the divorce decree, he was declared responsible for reimbursing me for those back taxes.  That money never came.

Once I realized he was not going to step forward and accept his responsibility, I applied for Innocent Spouse Relief with the IRS.  I knew that this was a long shot; only a small percentage of applicants are granted relief and these usually have years of abuse documented.  I spent a weekend gathering evidence to support my claim: screenshots of his text messages, his mugshot, his emails with his wife, his trip information to Uganda, joint account statements showing my paycheck going to pay for a pre-honeymoon in Brazil, and a synopsis of the whole story.  I chuckled, thinking of the face of the person on the other end opening up the package that contained the makings of a soap opera.

It worked.  They granted me relief.

Today I received my first check reimbursing me for what I paid.  I am thankful for the money (it has been a very expensive few years), but I am more grateful to be believed, especially from a huge bureaucratic organization.  To be  labeled “innocent” is more precious to me than anything.

So, tonight I cried, some of the feelings of injustice washing away with the tears.

Anger is a Succubus

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Anger.   It is so easy to go there.  To stay there.

Why did he do this to me?  How could he have done these things? What a (fill in the blank with your favorite expletive)!

That anger is a succubus; she’ll draw you in, tempting you, and then slowly suck you dry, leaving you brittle while the object of the anger remains untouched.  Anger leaves you in a victim state, powerless.  It is only by releasing this anger that you can take your own reigns from the soul-sucking creature and chart your path.

Take yourself out of the object in the sentences above and make yourself the subject.  What can I do to make my life better?  What can I do now that these things have happened.  Okay, so maybe the expletives can still stand.  They certainly have their place, after all:)  That shifts the power back to you.

Not that it is easy. I still slide back into anger when I have to deal with the financial fallout of my ex-husband’s years of manipulations and deceptions.  Try staying calm when you are faced with paying the bill for the wedding rings used to marry another while you are still betrothed.  Any luck?  Yeah, me neither.

The anger has been the hardest to let go of, even more than sadness. However, I refuse to let that succubus feed off me any longer.

Here are  some of my strategies for moving beyond anger.

Anger Deflation

Practicing What I Preach

Radical Gratitude

Forgiveness 101

Writing Through Divorce

What has helped you?  Are you still angry?

Myths? …or mythical thinking?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The article, 3 Myths About Happy Marriages on PsychCentral introduced myths that are based on the work of John Gottman, Ph.D and his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. I think these myths, although possessing some truth, are a bit of a slippery slope.

Myth 1: Better Communication Will Not Save Your Marriage

If the marriage is on rocky footing, talking will not bring in the rescue copters.  And, as the article states, it is difficult to remain calm and rational in the midst of a perceived attack (I know those “I” statements well, after growing up with a counselor for a mom, and even I can’t maintain that poise in a heated discussion).  My concern comes from the implication that communication is not important;  that a marriage can exist in the spaces between withheld information.  I cannot work well with a coworker when there is not adequate communication; I’m not sure how a marriage is supposed to thrive.

Myth 2: Avoiding Conflict Will Kill Your Marraige

Not every need can be expected to be met, and sometimes conflict is just because of a grouchy mood,but there is a danger to not addressing legitimate concerns.  In retrospect, I realize that my marriage was conflict-avoidant; I tended to shy away from problems due to anxiety and my ex-husband refrained from conflict in order to not trigger my anxiety.   As a result, the problems grew too large for anyone to face.

Myth 3: Reciprocity Underlies Happy Marriages

I once knew a couple who kept a scorecard on the fridge to keep track of the “he dids” and “she dids.”  I don’t think they were very happy!  However, I do think reciprocity is essential in a marriage  in terms of mutual respect, and that this respect takes the form of acts of service or kindness for the other person.  Tallies shouldn’t have to be drawn, but each person should be operating with the other in mind.

All marriages are different (my current relationship is quite unlike my marriage in many ways), but I think that each of these myths has a place in a healthy relationship.

How It Began

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My own divorce story began in 2009 when I received a surprise text after 10 years of marriage that my husband was leaving.  That text was the last contact I ever had from him.  Over the next few weeks and months, I struggled to make sense of what happened.  It turned out that the reality was even stranger and more horrific than I could have ever imagined.  I found evidence of years of lies and deception, found empty bank accounts and overfilled unknown credit cards, and I saw evidence of another woman.  Further sleuthing uncovered the shocking revelation that he married this other woman 6 days after he left me, thus committing felony bigamy.  I found myself catapulted into a world of police, lawyers, psychiatrists, and media, trying to find my bearings.  One of the worst aspects of those early days was the feeling that he had stolen my voice my refusing to communicate with me.  I will be silent no more.

My marriage began with vows, vows to love and cherish him.  My marriage also ended with vows, vows made to myself.  I promised to thrive despite the pain, I committed to working to find balance in my life, I vowed to move beyond anger and revenge, and I pledged to use my voice to help others find wellness after trauma.

I have learned many lessons from the end of my marriage, and I am still learning.

You can read my entire story in my book Lessons From the End of a Marriage, available on Amazon.

The Day the Marriage Died

Where is He Now?

The First Tears of the New Year

When is a Phone More Than a Phone?

Wanted: The Ronald McDonald House for the Recently Separated

Dear Ms. Manners: The etiquette of Bigamy

If You’re Going to Get married Illegally, Be Sure to Pay the Band

Two Years Ago Today