I Needed Him to Face the Consequences, Yet I Was the One Who Paid

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“I need for him to face the consequences of what he has done.”

I vocalized those words to my parents when we first discovered that my husband had committed marital embezzlement and felony bigamy. Those words were the driving force behind my decision to contact the police about his actions. I expressed those words through clenched teeth to the district attorney and the victim advocate while my body still trembled with the shock. I used those words as a mantra as I carefully gathered evidence and pieced together the story. And I relied on those words as I made decisions throughout the divorce process.

The need for him to pay, either by returning the money he had swindled from me or by serving jail time for his crime, was a driving force. As real and as persistent as a need for food. I was convinced that he needed consequences so that he could experience the pain he inflicted, so that I could find closure and, perhaps most of all, because it was only fair that he face the repercussions of his choices.

For a time, I thought it was going to work. The DA’s office discussed the possibility of jail time or at least a protracted probation. My attorney discussed restitution and requested the totals of monetary losses. I even felt some satisfaction when it seemed as though his career may be endangered due to his deceptions.

And then, it all collapsed. He was granted a diversion in the bigamy case. He made exactly two paltry payments out of the many ordered by the divorce decree. And as far as I knew, he even kept his job.

I was devastated. Directionless. I had spent most of my energy in the previous eight months devoted to making him pay only to be left vacant while he appeared to dance away free and clear. I was angry. I was defeated.

And I was also at a crossroads.

I could choose to continue to driven by the need to make him pay. I was well within my rights to alert the DA’s office that my now-ex husband had not met the terms of the diversion, which carried with it an automatic felony conviction. I could contact my divorce attorney and pursue contempt charges for neglecting to follow the terms of the decree.

Or, I could decide to walk away. To let go of the need to make him pay and instead invest in my own future.

I chose the second option. And it’s funny, even though I’m not aware of any consequences he has faced, I’ve found closure. I’ve found financial stability. I have found a happy new life. I have found peace.

And I didn’t need him to pay for any of it.

The, “I am going to make them pay” attitude comes with a high price during divorce. Here’s what it will cost you –

Legal Fees

When you’re approaching the legal process with a desire to make your ex pay, the paperwork and billable hours increase exponentially. Not only are you asking your attorney to do more (which they are more than happy to bill you for), you are also prompting your ex to go on the defensive (also upping the time and costs involved) or even to launch a counterattack.

In my own case, I had a choice between “fault” and “ no fault” divorce. I chose the first one because the latter verbiage made my stomach turn. That lack of a single word probably cost me 4 months and $15,000. In hindsight, I should have selected the faster and easier route, even if I later scratched out the word “no” on the final decree.

Heightened Negativity

A need for revenge is carried on the swells of ugly emotions. It feeds anger as you remain focused on the wrongs that were committed. It prompts episodes of “why me?” as you wail against the injustices. It even elicits feelings of envy as you feel like you’re the only one paying. As long as you’re focused on your ex, you’re keeping yourself mired in the muck around the divorce.

I was given a form by the DA’s office that asked me, the identified victim, to describe what I thought my husband’s legal consequences should be for the bigamy charge. Before writing on the page, I photocopied it so that I could pen a version in line with my revenge fantasies. It was in line with the dark humor that saw me through those months, but it also showed how much anger was still roiling inside me. And as long as I was driven to make him pay, that anger would be my companion.

False Sense of Control

Divorce brings with it so many changes and so much that it out of your control that it is natural to try to dictate whatever terms you can. And using the court system in an attempt to make your ex pay can bring with it a sense of power, especially if you have the financial means to support your strike. This is especially acute in cases of an affair where the betrayed is desperately looking for a handhold to stop the sickening sense of free fall. But the legal process isn’t in your hands. The judge can choose to ignore the mountains of evidence. And your ex can chose to not follow the orders.

I found another sort of control in my quest. The sheer obsessiveness that I approached the legal process was a distraction from the overwhelming pain and fear that I was experiencing. By focusing on the next document or the latest email from the attorney, I didn’t have to look too closely at myself. But as with the straw man of the legal process, this emotional control was simply a false diversion that only delayed my own progress.

Emotional Letdown

Pretend for a moment that your ex is made to pay in exactly the terms you hope for. What then? Do you hurt any less? Is the disruption to your life any smaller? Has your anger suddenly dissipated? Do you now have a deep sense that your ex truly understands what you went through? Probably not. It’s all too easy to place too much value on the consequences, assuming that everything will be okay once the pound of flesh has been extracted. And the realization that the payment, no matter how steep, isn’t enough can be quite an abrupt letdown.

I never experienced the emotional anticlimax that follows the dispensation of consequences. Instead, I faced the letdown of payments never made and debts never settled. It was as though all of my efforts for the previous eight months were simply torn up and thrown away like so much garbage. It felt like running a marathon only to be felled by a sprained ankle just shy of the finish line. It was over, but it wasn’t finished.

Until, that is, I decided that I was done. Done with paying for my attorney’s summer vacation with my need for revenge. Done with allowing the negative thoughts to set up residence in my head. Done with pretending that I could control external circumstances. And done with allowing his consequences to dictate my well-being.

I realized just how much making him pay was costing me. And I decided the price wasn’t worth it.

Why Do We Fall in Love With People That Are Bad For Us?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I first started dating, I sought out boys that were the opposite of my father.  My logic went like this – my parents divorced, therefor my father didn’t make a good husband, so I would be better off avoiding guys that mirrored my dad.  And I soon fell in love with the man that would eventually become my husband.

It was only years later that I learned that by studiously avoiding certain characteristics. I inadvertently agreed upon other traits that were most decidedly unhealthy at best and criminal at worst. Traits that I was completely blind to at the time.

He was “Husband of the Year” to my face and a lying, cheating, stealing bigamist behind my back.

I’m not alone in giving my heart to someone who would ultimately be detrimental to me.

Why is it that even the most educated and emotionally intelligent people fall in love with people that are bad for them?

Habit– We all have a tendency to do what we have done. Mirror what we have seen. If you grew up in an abusive household, you are more likely to find yourself partnered to an abuser. If you were parented by an alcoholic, you will be drawn to the same. If you have a propensity for the lost boys, you will continue to blindly seek them out until you make an effort to break the habit. Overcoming a habit takes mindful attention; before you can change your patterns, you must become aware of your patterns.

Sunk Cost Fallacy– Just because you have put time and energy into nurturing a relationship, does not mean that the relationship should last. Sometimes, by the time the early infatuation has faded and we realize that somebody is a mistake for us, we feel like we have already invested too much into the relationship to bring it to an end.  This is often compounded by a reluctance to admit to ourselves or others that we chose poorly. It’s better to be embarrassed for a moment than treated poorly for a lifetime.

Are You Falling For the Sunk Cost Fallacy in Your Relationship?

Sliding In– You meet somebody. You’re attracted to them and you have a good time together. So you agree to a second date.  And then a third. Before you know it, you’ve moved in together after justifying that it makes sense to save on rent. And then marriage just seems like the next inevitable step, even if neither one of you have actually given it much thought. The person that made for a great first date may not necessarily be one that makes for a great partner.

Low Self – Esteem  – Maybe you feel like you’re not good enough and that you deserve someone who treats you poorly. Or you find your worth through helping others and so you’re drawn to those that need fixing or enabling. When our self-esteem is low, we inadvertently project it, attracting people that are also lacking in confidence or, even worse, pulling in people that prey upon the weak. A vicious cycle can begin where the person with low self-esteem is drawn to people that use manipulation and emotional abuse to further lower self-worth. How people treat you really does start with how you treat yourself. You must create a healthy relationship with yourself before you can entertain one with someone else.

The Love You Find When You Struggle to Love Yourself

Feeling Lonely – The distress of being alone is one of the great universal human fears. And we will go to great lengths to avoid it. Even as far as getting with and staying with somebody that isn’t right for us with the belief that somebody is better than nobody. The great irony here is that feeling isolated and misunderstood within a relationship is infinitely more painful than actually being alone.

Potential – We often fall in love with a person’s potential rather than their reality. We see their inherent gifts and believe that if they simply made some basic changes, that they would be better. Both for them, and for us. Of course, the reality is that you can never change another person, only your response to them.

Are You in Love With the Person or With Their Potential?

Rationalize – Their behavior will change once we get married/have a child/change jobs/move to the new house. They may treat me badly sometimes, but they are a great parent/provider/respected community member. I know they’re not good for me, but I need to stay because I can’t be alone/handle my own finances/find anybody else. Consistently defending somebody’s behavior (whether your own or your partner’s) is a sign that something is amiss and you are not yet willing to face it.

How can we move on from the damaging relationships and learn to give our hearts to those who deserve it?

  1. Focus less on what made your former partner bad and more on why you were drawn to them.
  1. Look for patterns in your past relationships – are you replaying roles from your childhood or consistently picking the same kind of ill-suited partner?
  1. Are you putting up with consistently poor treatment? Work at setting and maintaining boundaries.
  1. Spend time with people who celebrate your gifts and cherish you as you are. Let their love help you develop your own sense of worth.
  1. Forgive yourself for the poor choices you have made. Rather than beat yourself up, strive to learn from your mistakes.
  1. Understand that just because you made a poor choice, you can still make better choices.

During my own divorce, I was able to reconnect with my father. And I discovered that he is an amazing man with many traits that I would love to have in a partner. And so the second time around, I sought out a husband that had those characteristics and who treats me well not only to my face, but also behind my back.  A man that challenges me to become better while celebrating my strengths. This time, I fell in love with somebody who is good for me.

And I have faith that you can do the same.

Five Empowering Ways to Recover From Gaslighting

Posted on by stilllearning2b
recover gaslighting

I’ve written about why gaslighting is the worst. Here’s just a snippet:

It’s horrifying when you realize that the person you love, you trust, has been slowly and intentionally lying and manipulating you. It’s like that nightmare you had when you were 5 where Santa Claus suddenly turned into a monster. Only this monster is real and you shared a bed with them

Of course, if you’ve lived it, you already know that.

So here are five things that you can do now to help you recover and to allow YOUR light to shine bright again!

In all of my divorce, the single most painful event was an email, sent to both my mother and to his other wife a mere day after he was arrested for bigamy. In the message, he created and twisted stories that painted me as controlling, greedy and impossible to live with. This was followed by a paragraph about how wonderful his new wife was and how my mother would simply “love to meet her.” And all this from a man that had professed his love to me less than a week earlier.

That letter stung. Badly.

Until I finally recognized it for what it was – a physical manifestation of the gaslighting that I had been subjected to for the past several years.

(function (v,i) {
var scp = v.createElement(“script”),
config = {
ChannelID: ’59c4d02d28a06117d405b228′,
AdUnitType: ‘2’,
PublisherID: ‘254863889856617’,
PlacementID: ‘pltcqFJsrTEyaQkNyOJ’,
DivID: ”,
IAB_Category: ‘IAB14-2’,
Keywords: ‘divorce’,
Language: ‘en-us’,
BG_Color: ”,
Text_Color: ”,
Font: ”,
FontSize: ”,
};
scp.src=’https://s.vi-serve.com/tagLoader.js’;
scp.type = “text/javascript”;
scp.onload = function() {
i[btoa(‘video intelligence start’)].init(config);
};
(v.getElementsByTagName(‘head’)[0] || v.documentElement.appendChild(v.createElement(‘head’))).appendChild(scp);
})(document, window);

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the abuser manipulates and controls by morphing reality.

It can be …

1) Form of denial:

  • “That didn’t happen.”
  • “You’re remembering that wrong.”
  • “That’s not what you saw.”

2) Providing false and plausible explanations:

  • “The account is overdrawn because the bank messed up.”
  • “The boss needed me to work late and my phone’s battery was dead.”

3) Character assassination:

  • “You are always negative.”
  • “You’re too sensitive.”
  • “My husband is terrible to me and the kids.”

It often involves projection – accusing the victim of what the abuser is actually doing.

Gaslighting is a subtle abuse, existing below the surface of consciousness while it’s happening. But it’s a relentless abuse, persisting and even growing long after the abuser has gone. It impacts your ability to trust – others and even more importantly, yourself and your own perceptions. It encourages obsessive thought about the past, endlessly sorting through memories looking for false facades that you believed were real. Gaslighting often leads to relentless overthinking going forward, a hyperawareness of your surroundings in an attempt to spot any irregularities. It’s a seed of doubt planted deep in your brain that wants to keep growing.

It takes time to recover from gaslighting, to separate the truth from the manufactured and to learn to trust your own judgments. The following strategies can help you move on from your abuser’s influence:

No Contact 

I was lucky, although it felt like anything but at the time. My soon-to-be-ex-husband refused contact. At first, I saw it as an additional layer of cruelty. Later, I realized it was exactly what I needed to begin the healing process.

So often people aren’t even aware that they were gaslighted until they’ve been free of it for several months. If at all possible, institute a no contact policy with your ex. If you have to maintain connection, email is best so that you have an evidence trail of what was said. Create firm boundaries with yourself in regards to communication and be alert to any signs of further manipulation.

Create Distance

I found a note in my mailbox from my former husband’s employer and a mutual friend, asking me to call her. Expecting shock and support, I was caught off guard when she said that she didn’t blame him for leaving after the way I had been acting. Apparently, he had been feeding her stories for years, painting me in a bad light and making him seem like a hapless victim.  Even though she asked me to keep in touch, I never spoke with her again.

Even if you’re not in contact with your ex, their sphere of influence may extend into yours. If they have intentionally attacked your character to others, you may need to refrain from contact with those who believed the fictitious stories. Some may come around in time. Some never will.  The additional fallout is sad, but you need to make yourself the priority right now.  Surround yourself with people that are committed to you.

Reality Anchor

After receiving that letter, I gathered emails and documents that systematically refuted each of his claims about me. They weren’t hard to find. I added to that pile a printout of his mug shot. That stack of paper was then tucked into my purse for the next few months. And every time I felt doubt taking hold, I would pull out those papers and remind myself of the truth.

Find your own reality anchors – tangible and irrefutable reminders of the truth – and keep them close to you. They are a security blanket of reality while you’re dealing with the confusion of gaslighting.

(function (v,i) {
var scp = v.createElement(“script”),
config = {
ChannelID: ’59c4d02d28a06117d405b228′,
AdUnitType: ‘2’,
PublisherID: ‘254863889856617’,
PlacementID: ‘pltcqFJsrTEyaQkNyOJ’,
DivID: ”,
IAB_Category: ‘IAB14-2’,
Keywords: ‘divorce’,
Language: ‘en-us’,
BG_Color: ”,
Text_Color: ”,
Font: ”,
FontSize: ”,
};
scp.src=’https://s.vi-serve.com/tagLoader.js’;
scp.type = “text/javascript”;
scp.onload = function() {
i[btoa(‘video intelligence start’)].init(config);
};
(v.getElementsByTagName(‘head’)[0] || v.documentElement.appendChild(v.createElement(‘head’))).appendChild(scp);
})(document, window);

Rebuild Your Self-Image 

I used to think I hated mums, the ubiquitous fall blooms. It was only years after the divorce when I realized that the flowers actually made me smile. I had only claimed to hate them because my ex-husband did. His manipulations and my receptiveness had blurred the line between his thoughts and my beliefs. I had to rebuild my self-image from the ground up, not as he saw me but as I saw myself.

When you’re being gaslighted, you are inadvertently allowing somebody else to tell you who you are and what you believe. It can be scary to begin to voice your opinions and perceptions again. It can be overwhelming to get to know yourself again without outside influence. This is a time to shed all of the assumptions you have about yourself. Be curious. Be open. Try things on. And rebuild yourself one step at a time.

Take Responsibility For You

I am a firm believer in personal responsibility. Even with all that happened to me before and during my divorce, I realized that if I continued to see myself as a victim, I would remain a victim. I began the hard work of learning to trust my intuition again. I made inroads into understanding how my own past and temperament contributed to my situation.  I refused to ever again trust somebody else more than I trusted myself.

And that’s the ultimate freedom from gaslighting – taking back the strings that control your life.

Understanding Financial Abuse

Posted on by stilllearning2b
financial abuse

When I first realized that I had been a victim of financial abuse at the hands of my husband, my first reaction was fear. How in the world would I be able to survive, much less rebuild, with the accounts bled dry and the debt growing by the day?

That was followed by anger. How dare he lie to me about our finances for years, pretending to have our best interests at heart while he simultaneously stole my hard-earned money from behind my trusting back? And why was I responsible for cleaning up the mess he made?

But the emotion that persisted throughout? That would be shame.

I berated myself for being stupid, for trusting too much and verifying too little. I felt ashamed at having to consider bankruptcy and embarrassed when I had to ask for financial help from others. I blamed myself for my situation. It was only later that I realized that it was abuse. 

Financial abuse is real. Yet it’s rarely discussed or understood, leaving people vulnerable to its impact and furthering the harm that the victims of this type of abuse face when they try to speak out. As with any abuse, understanding is power.

 

(function (v,i) {
var scp = v.createElement(“script”),
config = {
ChannelID: ’59c4d02d28a06117d405b228′,
AdUnitType: ‘2’,
PublisherID: ‘254863889856617’,
PlacementID: ‘pltcqFJsrTEyaQkNyOJ’,
DivID: ”,
IAB_Category: ‘IAB13-2’,
Keywords: ‘financial’,
Language: ‘en-us’,
BG_Color: ”,
Text_Color: ”,
Font: ”,
FontSize: ”,
};
scp.src=’https://s.vi-serve.com/tagLoader.js’;
scp.type = “text/javascript”;
scp.onload = function() {
i[btoa(‘video intelligence start’)].init(config);
};
(v.getElementsByTagName(‘head’)[0] || v.documentElement.appendChild(v.createElement(‘head’))).appendChild(scp);
})(document, window);
 

 

What is financial abuse?

Any abuse is ultimately about control and manipulation. Financial abuse is no different, only it uses money as a tool to exploit and exert power.

Financial abuse can be overt or covert. Overt financial abuse often occurs alongside physical and/or emotional abuse. In this situation, access to money is knowingly restricted in an attempt to limit the victim’s options. The abuser may limit the other’s ability to earn money or may insist that they control all of the finances.

In covert abuse, the financial manipulations are done in secret. This can take the form of hidden assets that are intentionally withheld from the partner or can appear as concealed debts that are accumulated without the other’s knowledge. The abuser may use marital status to access shared accounts or may take out lines of credit in their spouse’s name. Covert financial abuse is a type of betrayal; lying and hiding become the norm as the person carefully covers their tracks.

As with other types of abuse, the abuser may use gaslighting and projection in an attempt to shift the focus off of themselves. They claim that their spouse is an extravagant spender or they may pretend that they have had a new purchase for a long time. In some cases (raising my hand here), the abuser may even go so far as to create false documentation to match their claims about money.

What does the law say about financial abuse?

When I first discovered that I was the victim of financial abuse at the hands of my husband one day after he left me via text, I assumed that the courts would protect me. After all, taking money from somebody without their consent is fraud, right?

Wrong.

At least in the eyes of the law when you’re married. I learned the hard way that I was the one responsible for all of the debt that he incurred in my name. It didn’t matter that he lied. Nobody seemed concerned that he forged my name for the benefit of others and documents to cover his tracks with me. Because we were married, his financial actions were yoked to my consequences.

From some people I received sympathy. But I never found justice, with one notable exception – the IRS. Without my knowledge, my husband had made changes to our tax returns prior to filing, falsely claiming medical and charitable deductions. Days after he left, I received certified letters from the IRS demanding over $6,000. I used money from a family member to settle the debt and assumed that it was simply another financial hit that I would have to absorb.

And then I learned about Innocent Spouse Relief, a special IRS program designed specifically for the victims of domestic financial abuse that includes tax deception. That letter marking me “innocent” was perhaps even more important than the subsequent checks reimbursing me for his fraud. It felt so good to be believed and absolved of at least some of the consequences.

How does financial abuse affect you?

Financial abuse does not end when the relationship does. In a very real sense, it may take years to rebuild financial security and to shore up a flagging credit score. More subtle, but no less difficult, is the accompanying emotional abuse that stays with you in the form of internalized beliefs and negative self-talk.

Money is about so much more than money.

We equate credit scores with trustworthiness and financial status with social worth. Add to that the embarrassment that comes from being conned and the sense of betrayal stemming from the lies, and financial abuse leads to some pretty difficult emotions.

Interactions with others often feed into the shame and negativity. There was the bankruptcy counselor that chided me for buying healthy food, even after I told her that my husband ran up the debt in my name and kale was certainly not the reason behind the $40,000 in credit card debt that I had been “gifted.” Then there was the rental specialist at the apartment complex that had the power to approve or deny my lease application. When a check revealed unpaid utility bills (another surprise parting gift), he thought it appropriate to lecture me. Again, this was after he knew about my situation. The truth is that most people don’t understand financial abuse and so they have a tendency to blame the victim.

Even ten years out, I still struggle with my relationship to money. I feel guilty when I spend it (even though it’s now within my means), hearing my ex husband’s voice claiming that I am irresponsible. There is an insecurity that I now possess around money; I need a certain amount available to calm my sense of panic.

Financial abuse is complex. It impacts both your bank account and your brain and both require time and sustained effort to recover.

How can you recover from financial abuse?

When it comes to recovery from financial abuse, time is your biggest ally. Your first priority has to be your financial health. Start by taking a critical look at your situation. If this is too much right now (as it was for me in the beginning), ask for help from a trusted friend or family member. Set your priorities – What do you need to pay right now? What alerts can you put on your accounts to protect you from further fraud? What companies do you need to contact to arrange a payment plan? What bills can be ignored for now?

I know it’s hard to face this when it should not be your mess to clean up. Yet facing it is the only way to remove it from your life. One trick I used in the five years it took for me to pay off his parting debts was to jot down a little note of gratitude every time I paid a bill.

I decided to view these debts he left me with as a down payment on a better life. It was then up to me to ensure that it was money well spent.

For me, the emotional recovery trailed behind the financial recuperation. As long as I was still making payments, I found it difficult to shed the shame and the anger. Once the debts were settled and the savings began to build again, I found that I was able to find some peace with the past. I made mistakes that put me in the position where I could be financially controlled. I can’t go back and change those, but I can certainly learn from them going forward.

How can you protect yourself from financial abuse?

Limit the damage that someone can cause. Have some money that only you have access to and maintain some credit only in your name.  Use a credit monitoring service or download a credit app on your phone and check it weekly to make sure there aren’t any unauthorized accounts in your name. Check periodically to ensure that you still have access to any joint accounts and that passwords have not been changed.

Pay attention to any discrepancies between lifestyle and income. Ask questions and don’t be too quick to believe answers that don’t read as truth. Check for evidence that money is going where it is supposed to and that it is not being funneled a different direction.

Be aware of attempts at gaslighting, where your spouse denies reality, perhaps claiming that money wasn’t spent when the evidence points to the contrary. Also, look for situations where you’re falsely accused of spending too much. This may be an indication that your partner is the one burning through funds.

If you have a tendency to be avoidant about financial stressors, be extra cautious. Your difficulty confronting money challenges makes it easier for someone to manipulate you. Work on resolving your own relationship with money so that you’re more comfortable discussing it.

And finally, if you see something, say something. I know it’s scary to face the truth. But once you know what you’re dealing with, you can take action to deal with it.

Refuse to Be a Victim

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“Let me introduce you to the victim advocate,” offered the policeman who had arrested my husband the day before.

 

I stopped short. That was the first time that word – victim – had ever been applied to me. I certainly felt victimized. My partner of sixteen years had just abandoned me with a text message, stolen all of my money and then committed bigamy. Yet even though I was still in the acute phase of suffering, I startled at the application of the word “victim.”

 

Because even though I had been hurt, I did not wantto see myself as a victim. Although it felt good for the pain and unfairness to be recognized, the term also made me feel minimized. That word embodied weakness in my mind and I wanted to feel powerful. It spoke of a lack of control and I wanted to be the one to drive my life.

 

I did not want to be a victim.

 

But for a time, I was.

 

In the beginning, I spoke about what was done to me. I looked for resolution and justice from outside sources, hoping for an apology from him and a conviction from the courts. I embraced my pain, feeling justified in holding on to it. Meanwhile, I demonized my ex, removing all semblance of humanity in my view of him.

 

There was a certain comfort in accepting a role as a victim. I garnered sympathy and commiseration from those around me. I had limited control and limited responsibility. But those same conditions that sheltered me also confined me.

 

As long as I saw myself as a victim, I would remain one. As long as I was limited by my past, I would remain a prisoner of what happened.

 

When the desired justice from the courts failed to appear and the hoped-for apology never came, I was left with a decision to make: I could either bemoan the circumstances or I could change my response.

 

I chose the latter.

 

I used the following ideas to help shed the guise of victim and make myself the hero of my own life:

 

Rewrite Your Story

 

When we are harmed, we often feel powerless, as though we are simply being led through someone else’s story. One of the first steps to renouncing victimhood is to take control of your story. Rewrite it. Reframe it. Narrate it. Change the perspective. Take yourself out of the role of victim (done tome) and put yourself in the role of hero (I did…). Write it or tell it until you believe it.

 

Pick up a pen and write your happy ending.

 

Create Purpose

 

Whatever happened, happened. There is no changing the past. But you can use the past to create something better in the future. Find some anger about what occurred and use that as fuel to drive you to create something better. Look around and see others suffering and use your experience to render aide. Use your rock bottom as a foundation for your life’s purpose.

 

You have the power to create something wonderful out of something terrible.

 

Make Changes

 

When unwanted change is thrust upon our lives, it’s easy to feel hopeless. Learn to recognize the potential hidden within and use the opportunity of uncertainty to create change of your choosing. There is no better time to release what no longer serves you and to embrace new beginnings.

 

When you’re rebuilding your life from the ground up, you have the power of choice and the wisdom of experience. That’s a powerful pair.

 

Find Gratitude

 

One of the powerful and difficult exercises that can empower the victimized is practicing radical gratitude. Face what has caused you the greatest pain, the most suffering, and write down why you are grateful for it. It is an amazing reminder of how much our thoughts rather than our circumstances are responsible for our happiness.

 

When gratitude is your wrapping paper, everything is a gift.

 

 

You are only a victim if you imprison yourself. Release yourself from the shackles of your past and let your spirit soar.