The Day the Marriage Died

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Up until now, everything I have posted has been recently written, almost 3 years since the end of my marriage.  I recently went back and visited some of my earlier writings, drafted in the weeks and months after he left.  I’ve decided to share some of that, to expose the raw underbelly of divorce.  Please be aware that this writing has a different tone.  The emotions and language are harsh as they capture my reaction on the day the marriage died.

Choosing: painting by first husband, George Fr...

Wellness is not measured by the amount of broccoli you eat or the number of miles you can run.  It is not found in the number of punches on your yoga membership card or the double digits of your sit-up count.  Wellness is not indicated by the reading of the blood pressure cuff or the size indicated on the label of your jeans.

I used to think I was well; I had all of the above mastered.  My lean, muscled body spoke of the intense workouts it was subjected to along with the strict vegetarian diet that was used to fuel the exercise sessions.  I awoke before dawn to ensure that I could fit a workout into my hectic schedule as a middle school teacher.  I fit long runs in on open evenings or on the weekends.  I watched everything I ate, avoiding meat and keeping a careful eye on the amount of fat consumed.  My favorite way to spend the weekends was working in my extensive garden or going on long hikes in the nearby North Georgia mountains.

I used to think I was well.  But, I wasn’t.  All it took to strip away all of physical manifestations of health was a few short sentences.  A text, sent across the country on a sunny Saturday afternoon, arriving unexpectedly on my phone.

July 11, 2009  12:38 p.m.

I’m sorry to be such a coward leaving you this way.  I am leaving. Please reach out to someone let the dogs out as I am leaving the state.  The code for the garage is 5914.  I’m truly sorry but I can’t do this anymore.   Please give me some time to come to terms with my decision.  I will call you in a few days.  I am sorry that I have failed you.

Lesson One

When two become ones, you are able to see yourself clearly.

Fear gripped.  Legs collapsed.  Brain stuttered.  Lungs heaved. Gut clenched. Body trembled.  World shattered.  Visceral.  Violent.

My father’s arms engulfed me as I lay shaking on the floor, my body and brain rebelling from my new reality.

“What can I do for you?  Do you want me to call mom?” my dad offered, seeking for a way to comfort his only child.

“Yes, please,” I responded, forcing the words out through my locked lungs.

He reluctantly left me in a heap on the hallway floor in my aunt and uncle’s house as he moved to the dining room to make the call to my mother in Texas, whom he had divorced decades earlier.

My brain barely registered his soft, yet strained voice in conversation several feet away from me.  My hands gripped my phone with urgency, willing it to send another message.  Wanting this to be a mistake.  A joke.  Anything but real.  A little anger pushed through the initial shock, enough for me to summon the courage to flip open the phone, using muscle memory trained over years to scroll down twelve names to Mr. T, the nickname he used to put himself in the phone he bought for me years before.

“Hello.  You’ve reached T of MMS.  I cannot come to the phone right now, but please leave a message and I will get back to you as soon as possible.”

I took a deep breath and left a message, almost unintelligible through my tears, my shaking, and my heaving chest.

“T.  I don’t understand.  What is this?  A text message?  Sixteen years and a text message? Please don’t do this.  Not like this.  Call me.  Please.”

I closed the phone, severing the connection.

It sat there silent.  Taunting me.  I opened it again, this time to send a text message.

What about the dogs?  Are the dogs okay?  Call me.

It remained silent, the screen dark.

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What Set Theory Can Teach Us About Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I was reviewing sets and Venn diagrams with my 8th grade math students last week as I was getting them ready for the round of state tests.  Perhaps it’s a sign that I have been teaching this way too long, but my mind was wandering all over during the lesson.  For some reason, the vocabulary and diagrams of set theory reminded me of marriage.  Weird, I know.  Well, I didn’t include this in my lesson (although maybe they would have been more interested?), but here is what I realized about the connection between three terms in set theory and how they relate to three styles of relationships.

Union

Venn diagram showing A union B.

In math, a union is when two or more sets are combined.  In the Venn diagram above, the union of A and B is the entire shaded region.  The symbol for union is a U.  In a relationship that forms a union, each partner brings his or her whole self to the marriage and loses nothing when their lives overlap.  The area in the center represents the deepening that occurs when two whole, healthy people unite.  The shared region is the marriage, whereas the shaded regions that do not overlap represent the individuals and their independent beliefs and activities.  The symbol for union, U, emphasizes that these relationships are open to outside influence and change.  This would be the ideal relationship, each person contributing, benefiting, and yet remaining intact.

Intersection

Venn diagram showing A intersects B.

An intersection is the region where two or more sets overlap, shown by the center area in the Venn diagram above.  It is represented by the symbol ∩.  In a relationship characterized by the intersection model, each individual came to the marriage whole, but since has lost the part of him or herself that is not shared with the partner.  This is a limited relationship as each person exists only in the overlap.  The symbol for intersection demonstrates this closed, insular nature.  These relationships may last, but you would be hard-pressed to find a happy partner in one.

Subset

Euler diagram showing A is a proper subset of ...

A subset is a set contained entirely within another set, shown with a symbol that looks like a C.  In this type of relationship there is a power imbalance as one partner becomes completely absorbed by the other.  The symbol represents the subset spouse being open only to his or her partner and not accepting any other influence.  A relationship could start out in this fashion or this subset/superset could develop over time.

Which type of relationship best describes your marriage?  Which type do you want to be?  And could you pass the state algebra test now?

 

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Taming the Monkey Mind: Shaving the Monkey

Posted on by stilllearning2b

No, not literally!  What do you take me for?  Some kind of simian-obsessed stylist?  But seriously, if you do decide to remove a little extra fur from a particularly hirsute monkey, I recommend you use a razor as opposed to a depilatory cream.  Monkeys tend to fling things and Nair in the eye would probably sting.

In my case, “shaving the monkey” is alluding to the fact that meditation has helped me to clear away all of the excess “noise” from my mind.  It is clearing away the fuzz, allowing me to really see what is underneath.  It’s a bit like the KISS principle (Keep It Simple Stupid); I don’t get as distracted by all of the fluff.

Today was a great test of this newly shaved monkey.  Today was a Major Monday (caps and alliteration required).  I walked back into the classroom after spring break to find info-packed emails from administration, new schedules that required last minute lesson shuffling, panicked and angry emails from parents, and kids who have apparently forgotten everything just two days before state testing begins.  Normally, all of this would have sent me into panic mode trying to meet everyone’s needs at once (while neglecting my own, of course).  Instead, I was able to take a few deep breaths and recognize how much of the stuff was just excess monkey fur.  I picked up my imaginary razor, shaved the extraneous pelt, and was left with a manageable amount to tackle.

I don’t always remember to shave the monkey at the beginning.  In fact, just yesterday, I allowed myself to get overwhelmed.  I was doing the laundry from the camping trip and cooking my lunches for the week (which meant I was managing 1 dish in the oven and 2 on the stovetop), the cat threw up, and my boyfriend wanted me to come in to look at the curtains he had just put up.  It all became too much.  Frazzled, I tore around the kitchen like a dervish, sprinkling pumpkin seeds on the roasting cauliflower, stirring the greens, and prepping the Tupperware.  Suddenly, I stopped.  What was I doing?  This wasn’t an ER; the sweet potatoes would not suffer a cardiac arrest if they sat in their boiling bath a minute too long.  I took a few deep breaths, relaxed, and realized how doable my tasks really were.

I am frequently guilty of making things harder than they really are.  When I was finishing up my workout today (the ultimate in shaved-monkey simplicity: squats, deadlifts, straight legged deadlifts), I saw a lady doing assisted pull-ups.  While wearing a weighted vest.  I chuckled to myself, thinking, “How silly!”  But then, I realized, I often do the same in other areas; I make something harder than it needs to be and then I require assistance of some sort.  Why not just strip it down to the basics to begin with?

I am going to try to keep up with shaving my monkey mind, keeping it clear of all the clutter.  I might even get a bit fancy and style it with a mohawk:)

 

 

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It’s the Little Things

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s the little things that scare me.

Stop me dead in my tracks, deer in the headlights, protesting, “I can’t” while limbs are locked.

It’s the little things that scare me.

Cause me to question, bring the doubts, the voice of the inferior.

It’s the little things that scare me.

Automatic reaction, reason shut down and out.

It’s the little things that scare me.

But, little by little I’m learning to do those little things.

Open a switchblade, start a fire, pick up the phone.

As I tackle those little things, put them in their place,

I realize that I am bigger than those little things

And they can scare me no more.

Goal Post

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The previous post reminded me of my goal sheet that I typed just a few weeks after my ex left.  I went looking for it, and found it in my folder labeled, “July disasster.”  When I wrote these goals, I was still mired in the yuck of the day to day, but I wanted to put my dreams out there.  I posted this list above the folding card table in my friend’s bonus room that was to be my office for the next year.  It kept me focused on the future and the gifts in my present on those days when I felt like giving up.  The list now makes me smile.  It shows me how far I have come and reminds me of where I was.

There are two items on the list that remain unchecked. The first, complete a book, was a bit ambitious for a year (or even three), but it is an ongoing project.  The other, volunteer at an animal rescue organization was chosen because of my gratitude towards those who helped to find homes for my dogs.  I don’t feel strong enough yet to face this one, but I will.

Some of the other goals seem so minimal in retrospect.  Go on a date – I went on 7-8 dates a week for a few months (months I dubbed, “Match Madness”).  Or, learn to cook one gluten-free meal – I now do that multiple times a week and am a recipe resource for others.

Some of the goals make me thankful for where I am and why I am here.  I was originally going to move to the NW; I could not imagine a life in the same town where I had spent my married years.  Just months before I was going to leave, I met my now boyfriend.  There was enough potential there that I decided to commit to staying in the area for a year (once I found a job) to see how things progressed.  It has now been two years, and I couldn’t be happier.

Other goals have been incorporated into my current life.  I still set goals to run races (I’ve just raised the bar a bit), I still intentionally seek out new friends, I continue to find ways to act of character, and I still make sure to take weekend trips.  The last goal has become my favorite: find a way to laugh each and every day.

I no longer have goals posted above my desk.  I have internalized them, using them as a daily reminder to be thankful and hopeful.