Guest Post: Sex, Love and Relationship Advice From a Divorced Dad

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I believe the main goal of marriage is to stay happily married.  Sounds pretty simple, doesn’t it?  Unfortunately, sometimes it just doesn’t work out that way.

If you feel your marriage is having problems, do something to fix it!  Address the problems and don’t just hope those things will just “go away” or “get better” with time.  The fix could be as simple as bringing up whatever problems you’re having with your partner.  Try to keep the lines of communication open as much as possible.  Little problems can fester and turn into big ones mighty quick.  Don’t be afraid to suggest going to a marriage counselor.  This does not mean your marriage is on life support, but you want to fix what might be wrong.  I know most of this is not macho.  But if you take the macho route, you might be macho all by yourself and paying a big price for it.

Show your spouse with actions, not just tell your spouse how much they mean to you.  It’s amazing how good you feel when your partner actually listens to you.  Isn’t it nice when they tell you about their day at work or something that is important to them.  Whatever they are talking about may not be important to you, but if it’s important to your spouse, it should become important to you as well.  Show compassion and empathy when appropriate and it will be reciprocated when the time comes.  You are the person they should be able to lean on.

Hey guys, try surprising your wife with a meal you prepared ready by the time she gets home from work.  Or better yet, take care of the laundry and clean the house before she gets home from work. All this and a nice foot rub are powerful foreplay tools.  You may truly unlock the inner vixen in your mate.

Your wife should be your girlfriend, and your husband should be your boyfriend.  I’m a big advocate of date nights.  You have to have some time with just your spouse alone.  This means getting dressed up a bit and look good for your partner.   That means you gals should get out of your sweats and put as much effort into dressing up, hair and makeup for your husband, as you do for the occasional night out with the girls.  Guys, yes you should take a shower and shave before your night out. Put on something other than your favorite jersey or flannel shirt.  Just think back to when you were working hard to impress each other when you started dating.  You should still be trying to impress and attract your partner.  This also means it is time for the two of you to get out of the house for your dates.

Speaking of trying to attract your mate, I don’t understand why I see so many women in the gym trying to lose weight and look good when they are newly divorced or going through a divorce.  Perhaps this is something you should have been doing all along. The same goes for you guys.  I see guys that I have never seen before in the gym and after talking to them, they tell me they are trying to get “back into shape” because they will soon be or are back on the market.  Sorry guys, but bowling, golf and softball just are not exercise.  They and other “sports” are excuses to drink beer with the guys and be away from home.  I’m a big believer in exercise, and it’s obvious benefits to your mental and physical health.  The two of you don’t have to look like cover models for fashion magazines, but you shouldn’t give up and stop trying to look good for your spouse!  A gym membership is much cheaper than a divorce.

Get yourself a pool of reliable babysitters you trust and use them.  I know it is tough with careers, kids in sports and all their activities.  There could also be special circumstances such as elderly parents or special need children.  You have to make the effort for everybody’s sake.

Let’s talk about sex.  Contrary to some negative perceptions from some organized religion, sex is a good thing.  There’s been an overabundance of studies on the subject and I believe most of the “experts” say it is good for you physically as well as emotionally.   I can’t think of something that connects two married people more than sex.  The act produces all kinds of good chemical reactions and gives you both an incredible feeling of intimacy and closeness that a marriage needs.  If you’re having sex with your spouse on a regular basis, how can you stay mad at him/her for not doing the dishes and other silly arguments that may pop up?   I defy you to even think of the dirty dishes after had a mind-blowing session between the sheets.  Sex is the glue that keeps you together!

I have heard that woman need to feel loved to have sex and men need sex to feel loved.  I’m sure there are exceptions to that rule, but for the most part, I think it’s spot on.  So guys and gals do your best to keep those love vibes going and get naked! It’s a win-win situation when you and your spouse are making love on a regular basis.   (To each other of course)

There is a variety of reasons people get divorced.  Many times it’s a combination of things; poor communication, unfaithfulness, tragedy, Illness or accident, or you just plain grow apart.  When you split up with your spouse, this is a good time to reflect on what you think went wrong.  This would be a good time to take an inventory of what you think you may have done to contribute to the ultimate demise of your marriage.  Please don’t wallow in this.  Just try not to make the same mistakes twice.  This would be a good time to work on the things you believe you need to improve on and perhaps time to get rid of the things that may have contributed to the riffs in your relationship.  A good therapist might be a good idea to help you sort all this out.

I’m not talking about abuse.  If you’re in an abusive situation, get the hell out and take your kids with you.  Your safety and your children’s safety is paramount.  This also holds true if your spouse if an addict; drugs or alcohol.

Most folks blame the other person for their marriages going south.  Some of the time the blame rests square on one person’s shoulders, but most of the time it is a team effort.  Remember getting divorced is closing one door and opening another one.  Walk through that open door with your chin up with the confidence that you will try not to make the same mistakes twice.

By L.J. Burke, author of DIVORCED DAD: Kids are Forever, Wives are Not.

Emotionally Hungover? How to Get Through the Day

Posted on by stilllearning2b
emotionally hungover

I had an emotional hangover today. Much like the more familiar hangover, it’s caused by excess. Only in this case, the hangover is brought about by too much of the feels than by too much of the booze.

But it sucks just about as much.

An emotional hangover is characterized partially by physical symptoms. The eyes are swollen and bloodshot from tears and lack of sleep. The belly is also swollen from swallowing too much air and perhaps even from the diversion of blood flow if the flight or fight system was activated. Its bloat is accompanied by a queasiness that either demands unhealthy food or rejects any thought of sustenance. The senses feel dulled at the same time the emotions are still in spasm.

And the emotions. While suffering from an emotional hangover, you feel raw. Residuals of the emotional flood bob to the surface yet you’re too tired to process them, letting out their air so that they can again sink to the bottom. Tears may be near the surface and can erupt even at the slightest provocation. You feel bruised from the strength of the released feelings. Sore.

Working memory is compromised, both because of a lack of sleep and because it’s busy trying to make sense of all that arose the night before. You may say or do things that are out of character as you simply try to make it through the day.

So what’s the key for surviving an emotional hangover?

Sleep

First, recognize that everything feels distorted when you’re short on sleep. And when you’re processing heavy emotions, you need even more sleep than usual. If you can, sleep in or snag a nap. If you can’t, make an early bedtime a priority. Work with your brain here. If you try to force sleep while you’re still worked up, it won’t work. Instead, find a way to comfort yourself, distract from the intensity or bleed some of the emotion until you feel like you can rest.

Hydrate

Yeah, I know. This sounds like a tip for the other type of hangover. But it’s important here too. If you’ve been crying, you’ve lost fluids. Even if you’ve just been operating at an aroused emotional state, you’ve stressed your system. And even just a little dehydration can make you feel even more awful.

Eat Nourishing Food

Not crap. You feel what you eat. Much like with sleep, a good meal can provide perspective and optimism. Make an effort to nourish yourself. Your mind will take notice.

Breathe

When you’re in an emotional storm, your breath becomes short, fast and irregular. As soon as you can, work to calm it and deepen it. It’s using the body to tell the brain it’s okay.

Limit the Social Demands

Reschedule some stuff. Call in sick if you need to or at least take a break when you can. You’re not operating at 100%. Don’t try to pretend that you are. Oh, and be ready to explain away the red eyes and sluggish demeanor with an excuse of allergies or an oncoming cold. Even if you have things you want to talk about, they’re usually best tabled until your hangover has lifted and you can think again.

Gentle Movement

You’re wrung out. This isn’t the time to tackle the interval training or hit the squat rack. Take a walk or do a little yoga. It helps to unstick some of the emotional residue.

Escape Into a Story

Much of surviving an emotional hangover is just being patient while the body and brain start to relax. This is a great time to through yourself into an engaging book or movie (I don’t suggest binge-watching a series here; that is an escape which will keep you from the sleep you need).

Be Kind to Youself

Don’t try to force any difficult conversations or decisions. Don’t beat up on yourself for your current (and temporary) state. You’re human. You feel. And sometimes those feelings can leave you feeling pretty wasted the next day. It’s okay. And you’ll believe that once you’ve had the opportunity to sleep and the time to let the residue fade.

And as to what caused my emotional hangover today? Let’s just say gaslighting is the gift that keeps on giving. Ugh. And now I’m off to a hot bath and a welcoming bed. I’m ready for this hangover to be over.

What If It Is Your Circus And They Are Your Monkeys?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
it is your circus

Because sometimes it IS your circus…

It’s war.

And I’ve pulled out the big guns – poisonous plants, crushed oyster shells, a rake to remove mulch , metal landscape mesh and mousetraps hidden beneath overturned pots.

Because this time, it is my circus and these are my monkeys.

Errr…voles, actually.

Although I think I’d rather have an infestation of monkeys. I think they may cause less damage. And at least I’d be able to see my nemesis.

I spent last summer largely in the dark about my voles. I blamed my neighbors for the missing plants in the front and root rot for the crater that kept opening up swallowing my hosta (and its replacements) whole. And I credited Tiger’s enthusiasm for the partially chewed roots found laying atop the bed.

In other words, I was trying to convince myself that it wasn’t my circus laying waste to my garden.

But then, as the silver dollar sized holes began to appear where plants had disappeared, I was forced to change my tune. If I was going to have any chance of actually growing something other than digitalis, I would have to accept the fact that this is indeed my circus and these pesky little vermin are my monkeys.

And I was going to have to be the one to deal with them.

—–

Many of us struggle with distinguishing between what is our responsibility and what is none of our business. I watch my students constantly sticking their noses into other students’ personal lives yet fail to take on their own lives. I watch people after divorce get all hung up on their ex’s actions yet neglect to monitor their own choices. And I watch myself taking my husband’s mood personally while not attending to my own.

It’s much like the overweight physician or mentally ill psychiatrist – it’s easier to advise others than to take that advice yourself. And it’s easy to get distracted trying to influence things outside of your locus of control while ignoring the chaos within your domain. In other words, it’s easy to become so busy watching your neighbor’s monkeys that you neglect to tame your own.

So, to break it down…

Not your monkey – What other people are choosing to do with their lives.

Your monkey – What you are doing in your life.

Not your monkey – Other people’s moods or feelings.

Your monkey – Your own mood, feelings and what you express to others.

Not your monkey – What other people have done to you.

Your monkey – How you respond to what has been done to you.

Not your monkey – Telling people what they should do.

Your monkey – Striving to maintain an open mind.

Not your monkey – Making other people happy.

Your monkey – Creating your own happiness.

Not your monkey – How other people judge your decisions and actions.

Your monkey – How you feel about your own decisions and actions.

Not your monkey – Wanting others to like and approve of you.

Your monkey – Treating yourself and others with compassion and kindness.

Not your monkey – The unhealthy patterns and needs of others.

Your monkey – Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries.

 

There’s a freedom that comes from releasing the monkeys that are not yours to train and a power that comes from identifying and taking responsibility for your own rascally simians.  As for me, I’m taking on the responsibility of the voles. Do you know of any monkeys that can help?:)

 

 

 

How to Survive Attending Your First Wedding After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
wedding after divorce

How to survive attending your first wedding after divorce –

 

You can only avoid them for so long.

At some point, your excuses of, “I have to shampoo my cat” will wear thin or you’ll be confronted with the nuptials of a person you can’t refuse.

And you’ll be faced with attending the first wedding after the demise of your own marriage.

Blech.

Okay, not really. I mean, you feel happy for the couple and all. It’s just that you also feel sorry for yourself. Sorry and a little ill.

How in world are you supposed to attend this bridal bash without choking on a big glass of bitterness and jealousy spiked with a pinch of cynicism?

It’s not easy. But it’s also not impossible. Here’s how to help make the big event a bearable one:

Before the Wedding –

Desensitize

If the first time you see a wedding dress or hear the vows since your divorce is in the ceremony, it’s going to be a shock to your system. Desensitize a little first by watching a wedding-themed comedy in the privacy of your own home.

Exercise

You will have nervous energy before the event. So plan to bleed some of it ahead of time. Not only will it relieve some anxiety, exercise releases some feel-good hormones. And goodness knows, you’re going to need them!

Build Confidence

Divorce can make you feel like a failure. Especially when you’re confronted with the smiles and sap of a wedding. So go all out on your outfit and wear something that makes you feel good. Engage in something ahead of time that you’re good at. Remember – you are not your divorce.

Practice Your Elevator Speech

“I’m fine, thank you. The roses in the backyard are really getting tall!” Or whatever canned response you decide on.

During the Wedding –

Accept That You Will Cry

Hey, it’s a wedding. Lots of people cry. No biggie.

Choose Your Seat Wisely

Plan to sit at the end of a row (in case you need to escape) and next to a “safe” person who has been warned of the significance of this day for you. If you are not seated at the front with family, try to secure a seat towards the back. The space acts as some emotional insulation.

Give Yourself Permission to Hide in the Bathroom

Just knowing that an escape is available is priceless. And take it if you need it. Anyone who judges you for it has either never been divorced or is being an obnoxious jerk.

If Your Ex Will Be There

(Blech)^2 The world can really be an unfair place, can’t it? Fantasize all you want about them getting pulled along behind the wedding limo, but please don’t put those dreams into action.

Avoid if you can. Apply the elevator speech if you cannot. And if all else fails, excuse yourself by saying you have to go shampoo your cat.

If You Can’t Say Anything Nice…

You will be flooded with all sorts of emotions, from happy/sad ones of your own wedding to angry/despondent ones of your divorce to cynical/bitter ones about this wedding. Keep your mouth shut about them all. This isn’t the time. It isn’t the place. Those words can wait.

Hang With the Single People

Divorced, widowed, never married, under 18, four-legged? Who cares. Just seek them out. For today, they’re your tribe.

It’s Okay to Have Fun

Be careful not to make such a big deal out of this that you forget to have fun. After all, a wedding is about the marriage, but it’s also about the party. Focus on the latter!

Watch the Alcohol Intake

No, really. I know it’s tempting to numb and distract with the booze. But just say no. Lowered inhibitions + overwhelming and often downward trending emotions = no bueno. Save the drinks for when you’re home after the wedding.

After the Wedding –

Be Kind to Yourself

Ask any divorced person, the first wedding is big deal. And often the aftereffects can last for a few days. Be nice to yourself.

Oh, and if you are suffering from a post-wedding emotional hangover, stay off of the social media for a few days. You don’t need to be subjected to an endless stream of wedding pictures or, even worse, lovey-dovey honeymoon photos.

Journal

Remember those words that can wait? Write them out now.

Have Something Planned

Schedule something that you like to do and find engaging and/or restorative for the next day. If the wedding totally sucks, at least you’ll have that to look forward to.

Celebrate

You just survived the only first wedding you’ll have to experience after your divorce!

 

How to Rein In Your Need For Control

Posted on by stilllearning2b
control

I was embarrassed to wear shorts.

The insides of my thighs were covered with tiny half-moon cuts and welts, formed by my own finger nails digging into my tender flesh. It hurt. But strangely enough, I did it in an attempt to not feel pain.

It was my first conscious bid for control. Every month, my hormones would send my insides roiling and the uncontrollable pain made me feel like I was a pawn to my body’s commands.

And so I found a way to create a pain that was under my control. A pain that would distract from the other and that I could alter the intensity at will.

The next act of control was also prompted by the actions of my body. After hand surgery and complications, I faced months of physical therapy and time in homebound school. Again, I felt helpless against the pain and limitations of my body.

And this time my dominant hand was unavailable to cut half-moon slivers from my thighs.

So instead, I cut fat from my diet. Today, I probably would be diagnosed as orthorexic, a pattern of eating extremely “healthy,” where major food groups are eliminated. I ate plenty. But still my hair grew thin and my skin dry because of the lack of fat.

I saw it at the time as an example of great willpower.

In reality, it was great fear.

I continued to play this game. Every time life told me I wasn’t in the driver’s seat, I responded with a, “Yeah, watch this! I’m going to MAKE this happen.”

And then I would.

And I would feel a little better for a time.

A little more in control.

And a little less scared.

But it was always temporary. Because life always had something else in store. Something I couldn’t control.

And it took the big one – facing my biggest fears of losing my then-husband along with all of my financial security – to make me finally realize that the joke was on me.

That by trying to control, I was only adding to the tension. The fear.

Because there I was, everything gone. Nothing certain.

And for the first time in my entire life, I felt no need to try to control anything.

Control What You Can (And Only What You Can)

Even in the most overwhelming and devastating of life’s tsunamis, there will always be something that you have some level of power over.

And it’s amazing how far just a touch of control can go in easing your mind. Identify what you can control within your situation and control the heck out it. Be careful here not to make the mistake I did in my youth. You’re looking for areas you can control that don’t cause you additional harm.

For example, I have a friend in the early (and rife with scary unknowns) stages of cancer treatment. There is so much she has no jurisdiction over. However, when she was sent home with a software-protected disc of images and instructions to wait several days until her doctor could read the results, she had other ideas. She controlled what little she could.

Look At the Big Picture

The more narrow your focus, the more likely you are to get upset or scared by what you see. Because in the details, it’s all overwhelming. So take a step back and try to see the bigger picture. Not only does the current situation represent only a small section of your life, but you may also find that the areas where you can take more control will increase in time.

If you’re having trouble seeing the forest for the trees at your current juncture, talk to, read or watch somebody who has been through similar. This will help to provide perspective and give you ideas of how you can work within your particular parameters.

Build Belief in Yourself

Part of what makes a lack of control so scary is that we can easily become afraid that we won’t be able to make it through. So put effort into building your confidence in yourself (guess what – that’s something you do have some control over!).

Remind yourself of areas where you succeeded despite the odds. Engage in activities where you shine. Surround yourself with people that believe in you and build you up. Set (and achieve) small challenges for yourself.

Understand the Difference Between Control and Choice

You cannot always control what happens to you, but you can always choose your response. Rather than get hung up on what you cannot control, recognize the power inherent in being able to select your reaction.

When my first husband ended the marriage with a text, I was so angry at first that I couldn’t make him talk to me. I felt powerless. Like my voice and and my options were taken from me. Eventually, after months of being angry and frustrated, I realized that I was focusing on what I couldn’t do rather than on what I could. And I soon as I made the decision to shift my attentions to my own choices (as opposed to his), the anger and frustration started to dissipate.

It’s a little crazy, the only control he had over me was the control I gave him. Once I decided that I would be okay regardless of him, I took back that control. That’s really what forgiveness is all about – a shift in the idea of who gets to decide when you’re okay.

Learn Your Fear Languages

It’s not just love that has its own languages; fear has its preferred tongues as well. Do you have a tendency to catastrophize, assuming that everything will end in the worst? Are you prone to all-or-none thinking when it comes to life’s struggles? Do you get overwhelmed by the details and fear that you’ll never find your way out? Do you stop sleeping as your nights fill with thoughts? Or do you worry about the future, endlessly ruminating over possible scenarios?

Learn to recognize when your fear is speaking. That alone is powerful. We often interpret its words as facts, when really they’re just opinions. And biased ones at that.

Know Your Go-To No-Goods

We all have distractions we turn to in an effort to take the edge off of the discomfort of being out of control of our lives. I used to tattoo half-moons into my legs and demonize butter. Maybe you turn to alcohol or Netflix or the space under your covers.

Recognize what you are pulled towards that is not good for you or not good for you in quantity. Just naming them can sometimes help lessen their pull. If you find their siren song is too strong, don’t hesitate to get help. Because at that point, you have relinquished control to your particular habit. And isn’t a desire for control what sent you there in the first place?

Learn to Steer Intro the Skid

One of the first safety lessons new drivers learn is what to do in case of a skid. Because untrained instinct, which tells us to pull the wheel sharply against the skid, will only lead us off the road. Instead, we have to be coached (and often convinced) that the best way out of a skid is to move the wheel along with it until control of the car is regained.

And that same principle holds true when life throws us into a skid. Be patient. Work with it. And take control again once you are able.

Remind Yourself Why It’s Worth It

When you’re feeling out of control, it’s easy to center your attention on what you don’t like about the situation. So try shifting it to what you eventually will like about the results. When I was going through my divorce, I wrote a list of all of the things I was experiencing or would (hopefully) get to experience that wouldn’t have happened if the marriage didn’t end. I also constantly reminded myself that the (totally unwanted and totally sucky) situation was also making me stronger, more aware and more compassionate.

Trust That You’ll Be Okay (Even If You Don’t Know How)

So much of a need to control is a desire to know the future. Which, of course, is impossible. For all of us. It really comes down to faith. Trust that even if you don’t know how or when, you’ll be okay.

Time spent worrying and trying to control takes away your happiness now in a barter with life for happiness later. But life doesn’t always honor those rules. You’re much better off taking life as it comes and accepting that the only thing you can ever control is your own response.

So make it a good one.