What To Do When You’re “Over It” But It Isn’t Over

Posted on by stilllearning2b
over it

Are you “over it?”

 

“Enough is enough!” my client exclaimed, her frustration and determination both succinctly contained in those words.

It’s a reaction I think we can all relate to. Sometimes life feels like we’re Indiana Jones trapped in that underground room with the walls relentlessly pressing in. At first, we’re responsive. Reactive. We press forward using our hope like a torch lighting the way.

But sometimes life keeps pushing back. And the situation, far from being temporary, begins to feel endless. Even hopeless.

We get tired. Disappointment and aggravation rise as spirits fall. Our mind and body screams for us to tap out, but life isn’t listening.

So what can we do when we’re “over it,” but’s not yet over?

 

Be Mindful of Your Mindset

When we focus on the end, we neglect to be in the present.

When we label something as “bad,” we have tendency to overlook the good. Whatever you nurture, grows.

When we assign happiness and success to external things, we neglect to make the internal changes needed to do better once the external circumstances change.

Take time to recognize, remember and be grateful for the beautiful moments this period has had to offer. And think about how you can cultivate those in the months or years to come.

Be present and mindful in these ongoing moments. Practice letting go of expectations and nurturing acceptance.

Refrain from assigning any magical powers to a new situation. If you want different, be different.

 

Don’t Be a Casualty of a Victim Mindset

When life has you between an elephant and asphalt, it’s easy to throw a pity party and engage in the “why me!” wails. A victimhood mindset is tantalizing. It offers excuses and a respite from responsibility. It often feels good and frequently comes with a generous helping of sympathy and pity.

Yet ultimately, the siren song of victimhood isn’t worth the tradeoff. You’re allowing yourself to be kept in a position of helplessness. Those drawn to you may have a need to be needed and so they have a motivation to keep you needy.  And you can become dependent upon the ministrations of others, forced to constantly up the victim’s cry to maintain support.

 

Appropriate Breaks

When we’re tired, everything feels overwhelming. Your situation may be ongoing, but that doesn’t mean that you have to allow it mental space 24 hours a day. Sometimes when we have this BIG thing in our lives, we feel like we have to honor it with our constant attentions.

What might it look like it if you simply decide to change the channel for a time? It probably won’t make this thing end any sooner, but it probably won’t make it any worse either. Be wary of falling into the trap of waiting to live, of waiting to happy, until it’s over.

This situation may be a big part of your life right now, but it’s not your whole life.

 

Unearth Your Agency

Part of your frustration comes from feeling like you have no control. And there probably is quite a bit going on that you cannot change.

But there are some things you can.

Become your own detective, approach with curiosity and be wary of accepting ideas too readily as facts. What aspects of your situation – or more likely, your response to the circumstances, can you control?

Uncover those areas where you have agency and take responsibility for altering those and navigating them towards the direction you’re going.

 

Mark the Incremental Improvements

If you ran a marathon and only noted the finish line, the race would feel endless and your progress would seem insignificant. If, however, you were aware of every passing mile marker, your headway towards the goal would be readily apparent.

Life is no different. Don’t simply wait for the current circumstances to be over, make an effort to notice the intermediate accomplishments and improvements, no matter how small. No celebration is too big.

 

Funnel Your Frustrations

Being “over it” is a compilation of exhaustion and frustration. Use the latter to fuel you out of the former. That anger has energy that can put to good use. Find somewhere to focus your attention and your efforts that is unrelated to your current situation.

Plant a garden. Restore your deck. Replace your brakes. Sign up for yoga teacher training. Start a book club. Initiate a neighborhood walking club. Train a puppy. Master coding. Or calculus. Or a new language.

The “what” matters little. It’s the effort and attention that will help to lift you from your annoyance and perception of being stuck.

One day, that thing that you’re wanting to end, will.

And in the meantime, get busy living.

 

 

 

The Power of “Me Too”

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I recently responded to a woman over at Divorce Force. She had just discovered that for 30 of the 34 years she spent with her husband, he had another family. Her post is brief, the details sparse. But I’m confident that one of the many overwhelming emotions she is feeling right now is that of being alone in this experience.

I’m confident because I remember feeling the same. Convinced that there was nobody else who could possibly relate to the shock of sudden abandonment and the crazy making aspects of divorcing someone who made his own reality.

And then I found some message boards. A few articles. A book. And those words all whispered, “Me too.”

“My husband left me a note on the counter and I never heard from him again.”

“My wife simply didn’t come home from work. I found out later that she moved in with her boyfriend that same day.”

“My ex husband  fabricated all of the documents that were submitted to the courts. It’s all lies.”

“My ex wife falsely accused me of being abusive. Now the judge looks at me like I’m the bad one.”

As I read these entries, I felt sorry for those that had endured. And I also felt some relief. Some companionship. Some sense that I had found my tribe.

All because of the power of “me too.”

“Me too” doesn’t try to compete for the greatest pain trophy. It doesn’t try upstage the circumstances or tell a better story. It doesn’t engage in a game of tug of war, attempting to direct all of the energy to one side. “Me too” doesn’t claim to understand all of what another is feeling or to insinuate that the paths are the same.

What “me too” does is tell you that you’re not alone in your experience. That others have been in a similar place and can empathize with how you are feeling. “Me too” provides hope as you learn that others who are doing okay now were once not okay. When you hear the words, “me too,” you know you have a compassionate and nonjudgmental ear where you can feel safe and understood.

If you’re feeling alone, seek your tribe and find peace among those who whisper, “me too.” And once you’ve been there and through the other side, be brave enough to remember your own struggles, share your own “me too” and then just be there and listen.

 

 

Guest Post: The Healing Gift of a Dog’s Love

Posted on by stilllearning2b

by Meagan Hanley

Depression is a very real and debilitating illness. It can come and go, reappearing out of the blue, even when the sun is out and birds are chirping. The condition can be genetic, or situational, or both. For me, it was the culmination of too many stressors that came all at once knocking me off my feet. It was like I was fighting a tsunami mentally.

In 2015 my husband left me. One month later my epileptic dog, Buddy, passed away. I had to put him down at 3 AM by myself mid seizure because my emotionally incompetent husband said it was just ‘too hard to handle’. Around that same month, my alcoholic father relapsed and my mother announced her decision to undergo dangerous brain surgery for her advanced Parkinson’s disease. My husband and I sold our home and I had to find a rental. I left my job to start another that would allow me to afford the steep Boston rent as a newly single woman.

It was all too much. The three long months after Buddy passed away and I was ‘dog-less’, were spent in a zombie like state. Forcing myself to be social, I would go out to dinner with friends, only to cry my eyes out in public. I needed something or someone to anchor me or I would soon unravel in a very dangerous way. My doctor put me on medicine. It didn’t work. Some days I didn’t get out of bed, or go to work; the lights stayed off. Only a few friends checked in on me. The ones who had their lives intact, with families, were just too busy.

That September, I attended an adoption event for Last Hope K9 rescue. I knew I needed to experience the unconditional love of a dog, once again. After all, it was my first dog, Buddy, who kept me alive through my divorce when I wanted to give up on life. I decided to go check out a black lab named Lucky, who I spotted on the website. As fate would have it, I arrived at the event early, and Lucky’s foster mom was running late. So, I sat down on the lawn next to a little beagle mix named Acer. He started licking my face, and actually hugged me, wrapping his paws around my shoulders. This little 20 lb fur ball, grasped on to me so tightly and wouldn’t let go. Not in an aggressive way, but a way that meant we should belong to each other. Lucky was not the one for me.

I eagerly signed the adoption papers for Acer, now known as ‘ACE’. I wanted to sign up for a lifetime worth of his little hugs, even if only in dog years. It is now 2 and a half years later, and a dog, has once again, shown me the incredible healing benefits to caring for an animal.

When I open my eyes each morning, I am greeted by a happy tail whipping back and forth and a sloppy kiss on my forehead. I feel as though I have a reason to wake up. If my eyes did not open, his tail may not wag. He may not be so happy, and that is reason enough for me to keep going. He forces me to get outside on the days where I feel sad or have flash backs of some events from my past. He doesn’t care that I have gained weight. He treats me like a celebrity. After a long day at work, he meets me at the door with excitement, with his little wiggle butt. When a not so nice guy dumped me via text, Ace made the best stand in New Year’s Eve date ever. I didn’t even have to do my makeup. So for the people who wonder why I am ‘so dog obsessed’, or to those who simply don’t understand why my dog will always come first, I will tell you that if you love me, you should love my dog, because, it is due to his love, that I am still breathing.

My first dog Buddy, put my heart back together when the love of my life broke it. And my second dog, Ace, well…he’s my partner on this new journey, and he lets me be myself each step of the way. Adopt a rescue dog, they may just save your life.

Dumping Dysfunction

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Raise your hand if you’ve ever dated (or married) someone that now makes you shake your head in disbelief.

Don’t be shy. You’re not alone.

Now, take an honest look back at yourself in that relationship. Were you in a healthy place? In full working order?

Probably not.

When it comes to relationships, we tend to attract and be attracted to people that are operating at a similar level of awareness and functionality as we are.

Those who are overly nice and have difficulty maintaining boundaries find partners who are overly needy or demanding.

The one that seeks to control and fix finds the one who cannot manage alone.

Those that are fearful to fully engage in life meet up with others who are content to live at half speed.

People that struggle with addiction dovetail nicely with the ones who are happy to enable.

The one that feels unlovable will end up with the one that likes to abuse.

And individuals who are afraid of being alone will settle with those who don’t have the skills needed to sustain a relationship.

Like attracts like in the particular magnetism of relationships. Patterns of dysfunction fitting together just so in a way that can hide the maladaptive patterns of one by folding into the other.

And sometimes one person grows and in doing so, grows out of the person they were once fitted with. The relationship becoming a too-tight sweater that constricts instead of hugs. Without their corresponding pattern of dysfunction to hide beneath, the too-sharp edges of the slower growing partner begin to rub and your tolerance begins to wear thin.

Maybe they will be motivated by your growth, your changes prompting alterations in their own habits and patterns. Perhaps your shift is enough and you are able to learn a new way to operate that improves the overall dynamic.

Or possibly you’re in the difficult position of choosing between being limited and letting go.

Sometimes to move forward, you have to begin by dumping the dysfunction.

And then doing the work to become what you want to attract.

Controlling Your Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Part of what makes divorce so difficult is that so much of what is happening around you – and to you – is completely out of your control. It’s scary. It’s crazy-making. It’s infuriating.

And it also doesn’t have to be so bad. Learn how you can control your divorce.