Do you find yourself fixated on the past, caught up in the “what if’s” and ” I should haves”? It is so easy to get lost in that world; it is like a labyrinth made of memories, embracing us in its tangled folds. Here are some suggestions on how to escape the temporal maze and look to your future.
10 Tips to Let Go of the Past & Embrace the Future.
One of the responses I frequently get to my story is, “What an idiot for getting caught.” He wasn’t an idiot, but he certainly underestimated me.
In my former life, I had a tendency to want to turn away from anything scary or ugly. My ex obviously knew this, and he exploited it towards the end of the marriage. I believe that he thought I would be so shocked and devastated by the “good-bye” text, that I would be paralyzed with fear. He thought wrong. Instead of hiding, instead of turning away, I was driven to find out what happened.
First, let me clarify. The text was abrupt. Sudden. The marriage that I knew, that he led me to see, was good. He refused to respond to any calls or texts after he left. He took all but one of the computers (mine), all of the financial documents, and strange things (like the discs that held the papers I wrote for grad school). The passwords on all of the accounts had been changed. It made no sense.
So, I immediately went into detective mode. By getting into the financial accounts, I learned of an affair and financial deceptions going back years. I also learned where he currently was staying (a few states over). It gave some answers. The emails gave the rest. Because of the way our accounts were linked, I was able to see the messages sent to his junk folder, which included those that were carbon copied.
It only took a few days for the first interesting email to come through. This one indicated plans for a visa for an upcoming trip to Uganda with the mistress. Interesting. Seemed like he was running.
The big shocker came three days after that. A message I had to read several times to grasp the meaning of. It initiated from a band in the town where he was staying. It seems they were looking for payment for a wedding they had recently performed at. His wedding.
Oops.
That started the chain that led to his arrest and bigamy charge.
Lesson 1: Don’t underestimate yourself; you are capable of more than you ever know.
Lesson 2: Don’t run away from your fears; they grow more powerful when ignored.
Lesson 3: If you’re going to get married illegally, be sure to pay the band.
When I first started dating again, I was guarded. I was ready to date rather quickly, but not quite ready to fully trust or to completely open up to another. I viewed dating as a fun pastime, an opportunity to do things, get to meet new people, and learn more about myself. I had no expectations, no goals, and no objectives. I kept myself at a safe distance by telling my story early (just imagine hearing about a bigamist soon-to-be-ex-husband on a first date!) and informing my date that I was planning on moving to Seattle in a few months. I let myself be attracted, but I kept my heart in reserve, hiding my vulnerabilities and projecting an aura of self-sufficiency. I didn’t make it easy to get to know me and I was happy that way.
Until I met this guy.
I had gone out with his owner a couple times. We had an attraction, but I had (foolishly) chosen to focus on another guy over him. We kept in touch over the next few weeks, and when he rescued the world’s most adorable pit bull puppy, he sent me a picture of Tiger via email. I didn’t think I could fall in love with a dog again after the pain of losing mine. I was wrong. That little guy (okay, maybe little isn’t quite the right word!) held nothing in reserve when we met. He greeted me as though I was his long lost buddy. He didn’t care what baggage I brought or that I was still learning to trust. He fully accepted me as I was at that moment. I didn’t have to protect myself or worry about getting hurt. I didn’t have to consider if he was truthful or hiding ulterior motives. All things that would go through my mind on a date.
Tiger wormed his way into my heart over the next few weeks. I found myself softening, trust building both towards the dog and towards his daddy. I’m not sure I would be where I am today without Tiger; he was my guide back into love.
I stumbled across this article this morning and found familiar words. My husband left me a letter than contained many of the same excuses. I think it can be helpful to realize that these words are often not meant to be taken personally, rather they are the platitudes spoken to try to excuse the behavior and pass along the shame and guilt. These are not words to internalize and let fester, rather, these are words to let slide through and let go.
What Cheating Men Really Mean When They Say They’re Leaving | First Wives World.
Men – I would love to hear from you. Are these words similar to those spoken by cheating wives?
We all have our breaking points. Some are minor collapses, brought on by the stressors of the day piling up while our monkey minds run around screeching. Others are near-fatal collapses triggered by loss or change. Although these breaking points differ in scale and recovery time, the tips below can help you begin to plaster the break and rebuild.
3 Tips to Recover From a Breaking Point.
I used to visualize my breaking points as the collapse of a rock face, permanently marring the cliff. I am learning to view breaking points as the natural and expected result of the crest of the wave. I will break under life pressures again and again, but like the water, I can regather and rebuild.
How do you recover from your breaking points? Do you see them as rock or water?
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 