“It’s not fraud if you’re married,” the policeman said apologetically. As I registered his words, the enormity of what I was facing became clear.
My ex-husband and I first established a household together in our late teens. We came together with nothing. We opened up joint accounts and scrupulously managed every dime that came in from our low paying jobs. In those early years, we did all of the finances together, talking through options and discussing goals. Read the rest on the Huffington Post.
Or, you can also hear me talk about it on The Jeff Probst Show.
I joined Pinterest a few months ago to see what all of the fuss was about and to share my quotes and book information. I spent a few hours over the next week exploring various topic streams and signing up to follow boards that I found interesting (fitness, vegetarian, inspirational quotes). I love Pinterest for inspiration and ideas (those pumpkin recipes floating around last month made me want to take a week off work to spend in the kitchen!). Despite the positive impact that pinning can have as a virtual muse and design board, I also see a dark side casting shadows on the perfect pictures.
Many pins have the effect of ramping up expectations, often to levels that are impossible without a trust fund, a gaggle of helpers, or rib-removal surgery. It’s so easy to get caught up in the beautiful pictures, one after another, and to let your mind fantasize. The images cement our daydreams, providing a goal that may be inspirational or may be utterly unattainable. There is a fine line between reading a quote layered over a fitness model and feeling encouraged to work out and feeling frustrated that no number of hours in the gym will be able to give you that physique.
English: Fitness Model posing with dumbell. Photo by Glenn Francis of http://www.PacificProDigital.com (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Nowhere does this setting of expectations get more out of hand than on the wedding boards. These are some of the most popular pins, making the rounds among women of all age: married, single and in-between. There are photos of elaborate dresses with price tags to match. Pictures of cakes with carefully crafted fondant. Images of budget-friendly decoration ideas. But they all have one thing in common. They’re perfect.
I get it. It’s much easier to focus on a single day than the parade of days that create a marriage. We can try to convince ourselves that a picture perfect wedding will somehow trickle down into the years of the marriage. Sadly, the proper shade of aubergine (what color is that, anyway!?!) for the bridesmaid’s dresses will not mitigate that recurring argument about the dishes. I wonder what a real life marriage board would look like? Probably not so perfect 🙂
Wedding Dress For Happy Couple in Love (Photo credit: epSos.de)
I fear that too much time spent perusing perfect pictures will move a person away from happiness as the gap between their expectations and reality grows ever wider. Be a discerning consumer of media of all types. Filter what you are exposed to and limit yourself to images that inspire you and lift you up. Watch yourself and be prepared to go on a media diet if you find that you are becoming too engrossed in the pursuit of perfection. And for goodness sake, please get off the wedding boards:)
Pin it then live it. Don’t let your dreams only exist in the digital world.
Yesterday morning, I received the following post on my Facebook page:
Would you be interested in going on a date with me? Say, dinner and a movie tonight? If so, could you please meet me at my place by 6:00 pm? Oh yeah, BTW I have a big dog that is really nice so don’t be scared when you see him. His name is Tiger (see pic below) and he is very sweet. Have a nice day and I hope to see you tonight.
Your friend, Brock
This request me giggling with glee and anticipation. It was so much better than the usual, “Hey, you wanna do dinner and movie tonight?” that we are both guilty of. So, of course, I accepted the date. I even showed up early:)
We decided to do dinner at a convenient little Mexicanish place down the street so that we could avoid the Friday post-work hell that is Atlanta traffic. We each got our usual: salad with beans and no dressing for me and salad with chicken and vinaigrette for him. Even though I’ve eaten hundreds of meals with this man, I noticed something last night for the first time.
A picture taken, of A Green Salad. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
The salad comes with the lettuce on the bottom of the bowl and then heaps of sour cream, guacamole, salsa, grilled veggies and, in his case, chicken, piled on top. Before Brock took a bite, he carefully blended the entire bowl, mixing the best parts in with the blander selections.
I looked down at my plate. I was doing my usual – eating the lettuce first and saving my favorite, the guacamole, until last. I also got to thinking about my ex.
Quick disclaimer here. I am not in the habit of comparing Brock and my ex. It is a pointless and potentially dangerous endeavor. However, sometimes aspects of Brock help to bring me more clarity about my ex.
My ex used to eat his favorite part of the meal first and then he would move on to the less palatable portions.
Revelation.
We eat like we approach life. Me? I tend to delay happiness and have no problem trudging through mediocrity to hopefully get there at some point. My ex? He had no problem going straight for what he wanted and had trouble delaying gratification. And Brock? I think he does it best, mixing satisfaction along with the necessities.
Now, Brock and I both tend to eat too quickly (I can thank being a teacher with 20 minute lunches for that one!). Maybe that’s a sign that we both need to slow down to savor life a bit more.
I know one thing. Next time I find myself eating a salad, I’m going to enjoy some guacamole with every bite.
P.S. Skyfall is Bond at its campy, fun, exciting best 🙂
A map based on the 2006 US Senate election (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Most Americans are looking forward to today with a mixture of anticipation (Will my candidate win?), trepidation (What if my guy loses?) and relief (Thank goodness all of this will be over.). It’s easy to get caught up in the energy and excitement of the numbers as they are discussed and displayed across TVs and computers, but it’s also a good time to step back and reflect.
Today is an exercise
in patience
This is a close election. We may not know the outcome until late tonight. Watching FOX or MSNBC all day won’t change that. Relax. Live your day. You’ll know the results soon enough.
in respect
This has been a very heated partisan election. My Facebook feed feels bipolar with extreme posts on both sides. When I find myself prickling at someone’s post, I take the time to remember the reasons I love that person and that they are much more than their political views. Listen to others with an open heart even if your mind doesn’t agree. We have more in common than we often realize.
in perspective
It’s easy to believe that the results of today’s election will determine the course of the next four years. It will, of course, have an impact, but is only a single variable in a sea of possibilities. Today, it is everything, but 20 years from now it will most likely be a hazy memory.
in speaking up
We are lucky to live in a country where our vote counts and we have the right to speak our minds. Take advantage of that right. Vote.
in letting go
Roughly half of the country will be disappointed tonight. If you are one of those, use this opportunity to practice letting go. Maybe your candidate didn’t win, but holding on to that will only keep you stuck in a bygone election. Rather than bemoan the results, create results in your own life. Besides, we’ll do this all over again in another four years.
Today was the first of many monthly payments on my ex-husband’s debt that I am responsible for (and we won’t even talk about the large sum that I paid last week to get the ball rolling). My hope all along was to be able to settle the debt in a lump sum so that I wouldn’t have the emotional bungee cord of monthly payments that can so easily pull me back into a state of anger and frustration. Obviously, my hope for a single lump sum did not manifest, so now I have to make the best out of the situation in which I find myself.
So, I am practicing what I preach. Each month, as I send the payment, I will add another item to a growing gratitude list. This forces me to steer my thoughts towards the present and the positive rather than getting mired in the muck of the past every lunar cycle. I won’t be sharing all of those on here, but I started with following today:
Brock – the love I never thought I would find
That’s a much nicer thought to be left with than one where I’m cursing my ex or wondering where the money went.
It’s strange. The loss of this money every month will hurt. It means that some things will have to be postponed indefinitely (Two Ladies Going to Verona) and my car better last for another 5 years. But still, it feels good in a purgative sort of way to release the funds. This is the last tangible tie (apart from the gift of crappy credit he left me with) to my ex and his deceptions. For 3 years, my money has not been securely mine as I’ve paid some of his debts and worked to negotiate others. With each payment, my burden of the past is lessened and I am one month closer to ownership of my income.
I’m not going to pretend it’s always easy. Some moments, I wish my checkbook had a special carbon where I could write a “Bad Karma” check to the bigamist at the same time I record a payment for his lies. The reality; however, is that such a check would hurt me more than it would hurt him simply by keeping my thoughts in the negative.
So, instead, I’ll picture a “Good Karma” carbon and I’ll focus on cultivating positive energy with each payment. Besides, I’m sure he’s cashing enough bad karma checks on his own; he doesn’t need me to endorse them.
In about two years, I’ll be free of this last tie to the past and I will have a wonderful list of 24 things for which I am grateful. I can live with that.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 