Endings Suck

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Normally I would try to come with a more upbeat title or at least a clever one.

But my brain just isn’t there right now.

There’s no way around it. No sugarcoat sweet enough.

It doesn’t matter if it’s expected and natural.

Endings just plain suck.

Ms. Kitty, of S**t Where You Eat Fame, is having issues again. Only these aren’t behavioral. These are signs that she is every one of her 17 years. We had an emergency vet appointment yesterday and now we’re waiting to find out how close the end is. No matter what answers we receive, they won’t be the right ones.

And it’s killing me.

Rationally, I’m fine. She’s an old cat. She’s lived a full and happy life, with the best of them being these past few years.

But emotionally?

Yeah. Let’s just say not so fine.

Part of is my bond with her. She and I have been through quite a lot together. She was there before I even married for the first time. A lifetime ago. Letting her go is releasing one of the last links I have to the first part of my adult life. She has been my morning companion, getting her snuggles in before any of her doggie siblings (past and present) are ready to stir. She curls up alongside me with every meditation and loves to try to entangle me during yoga. I even had to try to teach her some physics to help her realize that she doesn’t want to be nearby when the kettlebells are swinging. I look at her and remember the kitty of the past. The one who played in a box jungle that my ex and I built for her in the apartment dining room. The cat who used to fall into open toilets. The feline who would eat the tops off of any muffins left within reach. Bittersweet smiles this morning.

Part of it is her bond with Brock. He never wanted a cat but welcomed her with open arms and worked patiently to ensure that she and Tiger had a good relationship. Over the period of year, Ms. Kitty really began to trust him and now gets her evening snuggles from her daddy. I love seeing them together. In some ways it’s harder for him – I’ve seen her natural decline over her life whereas he has only seen her for the last four years. He’s not ready to let her go either.

But it’s not about us. It’s about Ms. Kitty and when it is time for her go. Resistance may make her stay a little longer, but at what cost?

It’s a natural end.

But, damn, it sucks.

And what is it about endings that make one unearth all of the old losses from the past?

Not cool, brain. Not cool.

My days are not all about ends right now. Today, I hop on a flight to New Orleans to see a childhood friend for the first time in over 15 years. I thought that relationship ended when I moved here but, when she found me recently, it has been rekindled with a vengeance. My mind is a time machine dancing between releasing an old cat, exploring a new city (to me, at least) and connecting with an old/new friend.

Yeah, endings suck.

But life isn’t all endings.

 

 

 

8 Lessons From the Campground

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Our annual Thanksgiving camping trip is only days away. The long underwear has been unearthed and the tent located. My weekly shopping list makes it clear that I am preparing for cold weather and hearty appetites. I love our times at the campground – they have been a key part of our relationship from the beginning. Here is a repost of our first Thanksgiving camping trip. If you want the full effect, read in front of a campfire:)

 

Mere days before Thanksgiving, my partner and I found out we had to move within 30 days because his house had just sold.  We had been planning a camping trip over the break and our initial reaction was to cancel the trip, so that we could focus on the move.  I am so glad that we decided to continue with the trip.  Not only did we have a good time and enjoyed the time together, but it actually made the move less stressful because we had lessons that we took with us from the campground.

1) Teamwork Required

One of the best aspects about camping is that it requires teamwork.  Assembling a large tent is a,most an impossibility single-handedly, but becomes a fun challenge when tackled by two.  We quickly fell into a rhythm, working together, sharing some tasks and dividing others.  He would brave the early morning frost to get the fire started so that we could prepare breakfast.  I faced the frigid waters to clean the dishes of their breakfast remnants.  The dog, well, he just laid there shivering in a sleeping bag looking pitiful. We functioned as a team.

2) Take Pleasure in the Smallest Things

When camping, you certainly have to do without many of life’s modern conveniences.  However, because your expectations are in line with reality, it is not necessary a bad thing to leave that behind.  You learn to appreciate the smallest achievements, the tiniest bit of warmth, a few steps on level ground.  You don’t know when your next bit of pleasure will arrive, so you celebrate each moment of it that comes your way.  And, just so you know, Starbucks VIA works great at a campsite; that first sip of coffee each brisk morning was heaven.

3) Surroundings Don’t Impact You as Much as You Think

I have always been sensitive to my surroundings; I need things “just so” so that I can work or relax.  This can be a problem when moving, because some amount of chaos and disorder is inevitable.  The campground was organized for functionality.  We certainly had beautiful views, but they were not to be had in our immediate surroundings.  But it was okay.  Happiness is not found in a campground that looks beautiful, but is devoid of soul.  I learned to release some of my obsession with my surroundings; they don’t matter as much as I think.

4)Take Breaks

We spent each day on long hikes up nearby mountains.  We had our goal of reaching the tops, of course, but we planned each day with plenty of time to get there.  As a result, we were able to take breaks whenever and wherever we chose.  These are some of my favorite memories of the trip; the times sitting on the side of a mountain, looking out over the vistas, my boys by my side.  Immense pleasure can be found in those moments between activity.

5) Share Burdens

Long day hikes require a decent amount of supplies, especially when your partner insists on bringing survival gear:)  We shared the load, distributing the weight so that no one person had too much to bear.  Even the dog has to carry his part.  There is no reason that any burden has to be carried alone; you can even share the load with your dog if need to.

6)  Uphills are Balanced by Downs

Some of those hikes felt like they were uphill both ways, but any loop or out-and-back will have a net elevation change of zero.  Just like on the trails, we are often more aware of the uphills in life, but remember that they are balanced by the downhills.  Make an effort to notice the times the path is easy.

7) Use Your Resources

This is where my partner really shines.  When we realized that one of the tent stakes had broken when we were assembling the nylon beast, he grabbed some supplies from his pack and some sticks from the woods and quickly fashioned a replacement within minutes.  Before declaring a situation beyond hope, look around you and see what you can utilize to help.

8)  It Takes Effort to Gain Perspective

Our campsite was located at the base of Table Rock Mountain, its visage towering over us in all its granite splendor.  Our first day was spent preparing the campground, we were in our little insular world.  The next afternoon after a long, uphill climb, we reached elevation where we could see our campsite and how it related to the larger landscape.  We tend to live life in its details and forget to look at the big picture.  It takes effort to gain perspective, but a climb to the top gives valuable information.  It’s worth checking out now and then.

We took those lessons with us into the move and we try to carry them with us all of the time.

I’m Doing it Again

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I looked back at my post history to see the last time I did it.

March.

I guess it’s been a good run – 8 months – but it feels like yesterday.

I’m doing it again.

I’m letting my students dictate my happiness. 

Pretty dumb, really, when you think about it.

But when I’m doing it, I don’t think.

I just feel frustrated.

Defeated.

I may be doing it again, but I refuse to do it for long.

Last night, upon arriving home, I started with an intense kettlebell workout to some heavy metal. Bled the frustration.

I followed it with some yoga to encourage breathing and relaxation.

When I wobbled my way down the stairs (kettlebells, remember?), emerging from the safe cocoon of my office, I found a smoldering fire that Brock built before he left for the gym.

Happy sigh.

An hour with a book and a beverage and I was ready for human contact.

We watched a couple episodes of Life Below Zero, a show that profiles a few folks that live nature-centric lives around the arctic circle. I am fascinated by these people that choose to live a life that is so simple in some ways yet so incredibly challenging in others. I get the drive to pare down to the basics, to live with nature’s rhythms. I cannot wait to get back to the campground next week and downshift.

But those camping trips are little brushes with nature.

These folks go full force.

One guy went four and half months without seeing anyone.

That’s enough to give my introverted self the heebie jeebies.

Even so, the show was a great reminder of what is really important in life. And don’t tell my students, but a geometry test isn’t required for survival.

By the time the second show was winding down, so was I.

I was feeling less frustrated and able to look at the bigger picture of students as ready for a break as I am.

I was feeling less defeated and looking at the bigger picture where students always go through periods of ebb and flow every year. I know this – I’ve seen it enough times – but I still get caught up in it when it happens.

I was feeling less anxious after reworking my lesson plans to meet the students where they are right now rather than where I want them to be.

And I was feeling more peaceful as I replaced struggle with acceptance. Acceptance that the real struggle isn’t with the students, it’s with myself and wanting to control things that I cannot. Acceptance that one day is not indicative of an entire year. Acceptance that I can change my attitude.

Now, if only I can remember this again next March when the next ebb tends to appear:)

Sides Effects of Betrayal

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When you have been betrayed, your world view forever shifts. Motives are questions. Secrets are assumed. Nothing is as it seems.

You want to trust but you don’t know how. You feel victimized and either accept that role in defeat or desperately search for control and assurance that you will never be a victim again.

It’s oh-so-easy to keep moving beyond the betrayal without fully addressing its impact. To attribute future struggles to something (or someone) else when it is really your soul still keening from the lies and the loss.

When I first saw this article on Psychology Today, When Disappointment Feels Like Betrayal, I was skeptical.

And then I read it.

And I related.

When you have been betrayed, the pump has been primed to assume betrayal.

Even when it is just life with its usual ups and downs.

Be on alert for the monster but don’t go stabbing at every creak on the stairs.

 

Amuse Bouche

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I am not a foodie. I thought about it for a time when I dated a guy that knew how to create an amazing meal from the most random ingredients, but it didn’t really stick. Let’s face it, when I’m hungry, I eat. That doesn’t leave much room for artful concoctions or presentations as I tend to nibble the ingredients away first:)

Plus, I have an amazing ability to eat the same thing over and over. For years. My current obsession? Sweet and spicy popcorn. I invented it (okay, probably not really, but I doubt there’s a patent anywhere) after one of my students was talking about cinnamon sugar toast and my gluten free belly got jealous. Here’s the completely not-fit-for-a-cookbook recipe:

1) Make popcorn – I put kernels in a plain brown lunch bag, fold the top over a few times, and put in the microwave. Look ma, chemical-free microwave popcorn!

2) Melt a little bit of coconut oil and drizzle over popcorn.

3) Top with salt, stevia, cinnamon and….chili powder.

Serious yum. Just don’t ask me for proper wine pairings.

During my brief foray into foodieism, I was treated to a meal like no other – endless courses paired with matching cocktails that ignited areas of my palate I didn’t know existed. The entire restaurant held less than a dozen tables and the chef, as though on a stage, occupied a central kitchen. It was an amazing, and entirely foreign, experience for me.

I was also introduced that night to a concept familiar to those in the restaurant world – amuse bouche.

An amuse bouche is a little tidbit, a morsel, that the chef prepares while you’re waiting for your first course. It is intended to awaken the palate and to highlight the chef’s talent. The term literally translates to “mouth amuser.”

What a cool idea.

The amuse bouche is never intended to be a stand alone meal. It is not designed to meet all of your nutritional needs nor will it ever fill you up.

It is just a little smile, a hint of anticipation, a distraction from your rumbling belly.

Looking back, much of my dating (aka Match Madness) was like a series of amuse bouches (the plural may be completely grammatically incorrect but you get the idea) – little dates that were never intended to fulfill the needs of a real relationship. Distractions from my rumbling brain. Hints of what was to come when it was time for the real thing.

Amuse redez-vous.

It’s okay to smile while waiting you’re waiting for the real thing.