Four Things You DON’T Need to Move On After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We often get in our own way after divorce, desperately wanting a way out from the pain while at the same time telling ourselves stories that only serve to hold us in the flames. I convinced myself myself that I needed everything from a jail sentence for him to an apology for me, all while ignoring the power that I held within myself.

 

In Order to Move On, You DON’T Need –

 

Justice

Justice looks differently for all of us. It may center on a certain ruling from the court or a visit from karma, putting your ex in a position similar to the one you’ve faced. Regardless of the specifics, a desire for justice is really a need for fairness. We’ve been knocked down and we want the fulcrum to shift the other way.

Chasing fairness is a form of chasing the dragon; no matter what you score, it will never be enough to meet the need. No consequence will undo the pain you feel and no repercussions will satisfy. And here’s the brutal truth – if they escape without a scratch, it does not prevent you from moving forward. But if you fixate on waiting for them to pay, you’re tethering your future happiness to their circumstances.

Instead of wishing them ill, shift your focus to being the best you. After all, there is no better revenge than living well. And if your ex happens to notice how awesome you’ve become and regrets their decision? Even better:)

 

An Apology

Those of us that have been cheated on or abandoned without so much as an insincere “sorry” casually tossed out over a departing shoulder have a tendency to give apologies almost a mythical standing. They become the holy grail of divorce, convincing us that once secured, we will find everlasting life.

I used to feel this way. And then I talked to a woman who got an apology. Several, in fact. And they were insightful and sincere, as her ex took full responsibility for hurting her and expressed true remorse for his actions. And you know what? She was still stuck. She got what she thought she needed and then when it didn’t work to relieve the pain, she became even more distraught.

It gave me pause. And then it made me angry. At myself. Why was I still allowing him to have this much power over me? I made up my mind in that moment to learn how to accept the apology I never received. 

 

Understanding

One of the most powerful realizations I had when healing from divorce – I’ll never be able to understand what my ex did because it is not something I could ever do. That single thought released months of anguished questioning and searching for answers that remained elusive.

Divorce is not a class in university. There is no final exam where you have to correctly identify the motivations behind your ex’s actions before you’re allowed to move on with your life. It’s okay to say, “I have no idea” and close the book on that chapter.

 

Closure

There’s no finish line. No “done” stamp. No graduation ceremony. We have this image of there being a defined end to the pain once we collect all of the missing pieces. As though divorce is some sort of video game quest where the end credits roll once you have located the last of the items.

Spoiler alert – it isn’t.

Closure isn’t a destination. It’s more of a choice. A choice that has to be made every day when you decide where you’re going to put your energy. Whatever you nurture, grows.

Here’s What You ACTUALLY Need to Move On –

 

Belief in Yourself

If you believe you can’t, you’re right. It all starts with your belief that you can be happy again. That there is more meaningful life ahead and, this is the most important part, that you have what you need to make that happen. You are not responsible for what happened to you, but where you go from here is up to you.

 

Time

You can’t force healing. It will take time for you to stand up again, much less take those first steps as am independent person. Give yourself the time and space needed. Divorce is a major loss of the past that is now in question, the present that has become unfamiliar and the future which is now erased. Be patient with yourself.

 

Processing

Time isn’t enough on its own. If you avoid your emotions, you are simply delaying the healing. In order to move on, you have to first move through. Face your pain. Become familiar with your feelings. Work through any unhealthy responses and beliefs you’ve developed and put in the effort to learn how to do better. To have a better life, you have to first understand and accept yourself.

 

Determination

One of the reasons that we tell ourselves that we need these things from others is because the work to heal after divorce is so. damn. hard. It feels impossible and so we assume that we must be missing some critical piece to make it happen. And that’s where the determination comes in. You have to want it. And you have to be willing to work for it. And if you are, nothing can stop you.

5 Reasons You’re Still Thinking About Your Ex (and What You Can Do About It)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

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I have this image of the brain after a breakup. It’s laid out like the room that manages all of the electricity for a large building. Huge levers line the walls where the power can be controlled to each section of the building. One by one, you shut down each breaker that sends energy to any thoughts about your ex until your mind is dark and peaceful.

Of course, it’s not really that simple.

No matter how much we try, thoughts of our exes find their way in, both through brute force and devious sneakery. The thoughts can range from disturbing to amusing, but no matter their particular flavor, they are often unwanted, displacing more welcome thoughts and dreams.

So why is it that even though they are out of our lives, they refuse to vacate our minds?

 

You’re Wanting Things to Be Different

Maybe you’re berating yourself for mistakes you made that led to the demise of the marriage. Thinking that if you only did or said something differently, that you would still be together. Or maybe you’re holding onto the idea that you can still become the person your ex wants and you’re entertaining the illusion that somehow you can still be together.

This desire keeps your ex in the forefront of your mind because you’re turning your thoughts around like puzzle pieces, trying to get them just so in the hopes of bringing everything together. And just like a puzzle, it’s hard to walk away when it feels unfinished.

What you can do…

This is a time for some tough self-love. What you’re doing is a type of magical thinking. Wanting something to be true is not enough to make it true. You cannot change the past no matter how much you allow it to occupy your present. Pay attention to when your thoughts venture into this territory and repeatedly remind yourself, “That is past. I cannot change it.”

These thoughts are often at their most intrusive when we are dissatisfied with our present lives. Are there areas in your life that need filling? Turn your attentions that way.

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You Miss Them (or You Miss the Idea of Them)

Obviously, at some point, you were attracted to your ex. You liked them as a person and found them interesting and desirable. And then as the relationship grew, their presence in your life grew as well until they occupied one of the more prominent positions. So it’s no wonder that you miss them. That the bed feels empty and you find yourself seeking out their smell or the particular sound their footsteps made on the stairs when they came home.

And of course, when you miss them, you’re thinking about them. And probably with rose-colored glasses too. You’re remembering the person you fell in love with, not the person you divorced.

What you can do…

This can be a time to counteract each of those positive memories with a negative fact. Although this isn’t a great strategy for the long term, it can help when you’re struggling to let go. If you need more ideas, read about how to fall out of love.

 

You’re Feeling Lonely

I equate a breakup with the cold void felt by the remaining person in a bathtub when the other person steps out. There seems to be too much time and too much emptiness, and that’s a difficult combination. It’s natural to want to fill that void with thoughts of the last person to occupy it. You equate their absence with your loneliness and so you fill your loneliness with their imagined presence.

The problem is that believing what loneliness tells you is a bit like trusting yourself to make wise decisions when you show up to the grocery store starving. Until you address the loneliness, your brain will be feeding you nonsense.

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What you can do…

Keep busy. Nurture connections with other people. Engage in meaningful work. Give back. Need more ideas? Read 52 Things to Do When You’re Feeling Lonely.

 

It Hurts to Think of Them Moving On

There’s a reason that the most common search that leads to my site is some version of, “My ex is getting married and it hurts.”

Because it does.

No matter how much we like to deny it, it can be painful to see them moving on, especially when we still feel flattened by the divorce. We wonder if they’re happy. Happier, even. We compare ourselves to their new partner and we judge our life by their curated one.

What you can do…

Block them on all social media. You do not need to see the pictures of them with their new partner. You crave the information, yet at the same time, you feel worse whenever you consume. So go cold turkey. Need more? This video offers more support and points to think about.

 

You’re Curious

You used to know almost everything about them. And now they’re almost a stranger. It starts innocuously enough, “I wonder if…” But then it spirals as you keep wondering.

Even though this reason doesn’t carry the weight of the others, taken too far, it can still interfere with your ability to move on.

What you can do…

The brain abhors a vacuum. If you don’t know something, the mind will fixate until it has answers. So give it answers. Not by social media stalking or constantly asking your kids, but by telling yourself some version of, “Their life is no longer part of mine. I don’t need to know what they are doing because it does not impact me.” If you have no contact, it’s okay to tell yourself a story (ideally a boring one) about what they have going on. And then go get your drama elsewhere.

 

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Was Any of It Real?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“When do you think it started?” I was asked recently in regards to my ex’s betrayals.

“I traced it back more than two years, but then I made a decision to stop looking. So really, I have no idea.”

I responded to her question while my mind was busy posing its own question to me –

“Was any of it real?”

It’s a question that plagued me in the beginning. Haunting me. Taunting me as I replayed memories built over sixteen years, examining them for signs of fabrication.

Was the entire marriage, the entire relationship, a sham? Did I unknowingly turn my life over to a master manipulator to be used and discarded as easily as a prop on a magician’s stage?

Or, was it once real? Pure and sweet before it became rotten and poisoned from some outside source?

I will never know.

Yet even amidst that perpetual uncertainty, I have made up my mind.

It doesn’t matter what was real and what was not.

Whatever his mindset and motivations were behind all of those precious memories are inconsequential. Because at the time those experiences and feelings occurred, they were real to me.

And that is what matters.

I will never know what happened behind the scenes. His experiences and thoughts will forever remain a mystery. And since a mystery takes up more mental space than a known entity, I have chosen to no longer entertain the question

Since the marriage is gone, its veracity no longer has any real meaning and serves no purpose outside of my own mind. It seems cruel to myself to settle on the more painful option, so I have elected to not contribute to the torment that he put me through and believe that at some point,

it was real.

 

The Best Way to Get Over Someone?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s common advice –

 

The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. 

 

And in many ways, this suggestion makes sense. After all, what better way to remind yourself that the one you lost is not the only one than to sample what is available? At the same time, like any advice, this strategy may not be right for you and could even compromise your healing process after divorce or a breakup.

Here’s what you may want to consider before following this advice:

 

The Pros of Getting Under Someone Else:

 

Reminds You That There is Life After Divorce

Divorce has an impressive talent for being all-consuming. It expands to fill every nook and crevice in your life, displacing many things that once brought you happiness or peace. The excitement and passion of a no-strings-attached encounter can remind you that a whole world of possibility still exists as your numbed and deadened tissues are sparked into life.

 

Makes You Feel Desirable

Especially if you were rejected, you may be feeling unlovable and undesirable. So when somebody suddenly wants you, it’s intoxicating. The experience can help you begin to see yourself in a new light – not as a broken and hurting person, but as a whole and appealing person.

 

Provides an Outlet for the Excess Energy

Divorce often results in a period of almost manic energy. It’s a mania frequently characterized by a need for action and compulsive thoughts and actions. A fling offers a welcome outlet for this energy, both physical and mental.

 

Acts as a Distraction

Much of the divorce process is positively soul-draining. It manages to be both scary and tedious as it drags on while threatening to take what little you have left. And there’s nothing like a little dalliance to take your mind off the latest email from the attorney or the fact that your ex is ignoring the divorce decree.

 

The Cons of Getting Under Someone Else:

 

Can Leave You Feeling Emptier and Lonelier

For a split section, all feels right with the world. You’re snuggling up against your fling, relaxed and happy. And then either they say something or you think something that causes you to remember that for all intents and purposes, they are a stranger. And sometimes that realization makes you feel more alone than if you had the entire bed to yourself.

 

May Lead to Guilt or Shame if Not Aligned to Values

Sometimes the sudden freedom and mania combine after divorce to make people do things they would never do under normal circumstances. Of course, these are not normal circumstances. On its own, this is not a problem. But if your actions do not align with your beliefs or values, you may be setting yourself up for a major guilt case of guilt or shame.

 

Healing Can Be Delayed or Confused

Healing is hard work. And for the most part, healing is an inside job. When all of your energy is focused outward, you may not have enough energy or willpower to do the real work of healing. Additionally, the initial high of a fling can lead you to believe that the solution to your heartbreak is found with another person. This often leads to a leapfrogging pattern, where you leap from one temporary relief to another.

 

You May End Up in Awkward or Even Dangerous Situations

After divorce or a breakup, your brain isn’t working very well. You may be more likely to engage in risky behaviors since you feel like you have nothing to lose. Furthermore, you may find that you’re inadvertently attracting people that are looking to use you or that become too attached too quickly. You’re vulnerable right now and that can lead to ending up in situations that get you in over your head.

 

All of that being said, do what’s right for you. And feel free to change your mind about what’s right at any moment. When it comes to life after divorce, few of us follow a rational and straight path as we leave the marriage and reenter the world. More often, we stumble around and end up making some poor decisions before we find what feels right.

And there’s no shame in those mistakes and missteps. You’re learning.

 

If you decide that getting under someone else is not the right move for you right now, but you’re still looking for an outlet for that energy that will also help to give your purpose and confidence, here’s my favorite strategy.

Guest Post: A Letter to Myself

Posted on by stilllearning2b

 

Dear Adriana 2017 by Adriana Verdad

 

A letter to myself in 2017, when I was in the beginning, and the thick of the terror, harassment, and extreme emotional abuse. At that time, I was living on Mountain Dew and cigarettes. I didn’t sleep, or eat. I had lost 20 pounds in two weeks, and I felt physically terrible, emotionally drained, tired all the time, and my heart raced constantly. I was in terrible shape in every sense of the word. Looking back on my facebook memories has reminded me of this time, and how different this summer is, in every way. I wish I could go back and tell myself things, to help ease my pain. Here is what I would say to her. 

 

Dear Adriana two years ago,

You’re tired, I know. You’re not sleeping, or eating, and you’re not well, but I want to tell you that you will be okay. I promise. I know.

First of all, don’t let him get to you. He can’t take your kids away, and there’s going to be no trial like he threatened constantly. There won’t. The divorce will be difficult, and long, but it will be mostly you emailing with you lawyer, and calls with her. He will still harass you, repeatedly, and often, but it will get better than it is now. He will move out, not soon enough, but when he does, life will get so much better. It will just continue to get better, after the divorce is final, and after he remarries, it will only continue to improve each step along the way. Trust me.

You’re taking all the right steps, dear. You are. You’re working hard, and finding new jobs. You are making more money, and setting some aside. Keep doing that love, you’ve got this. Trust me. Two years from now, you’ll be on the eve of starting a great job, making good money, and your life will be totally different, and better. Stay the course when it comes to hustling sister. You are one badass, and you will hit bumps, but keep going. You’re going to find your way out.

 

Breathe. Often, and a lot. Breathe. Deeply.

 

That guy you’re talking to right now, stop. He’s a narc too. Stay away from him. No, he’s not going to rescue you. No one is coming to rescue you. Spoiler alert- you are going to rescue yourself. You are going to fight, and come out of this so much stronger. Much, much stronger than what you can even imagine. You are going to get to where your X’s texts make you laugh, or don’t even phase you. You are going to lose a couple jobs. You are going to find that your home, was always where you were, but you needed to find yourself to come back home.

You are going to cry sometimes. You are going to have days where you leave the bed for the couch. You are going to be lonely. You are going to get hurt. Again, and again. You are going to be okay. You are going to discover just how strong you really are.

I know you feel so alone right now. You’ve lost your marriage, your family, your friends. I know that you don’t even realize the power of the woman inside you, but she is there, my love. She has been pushed down long enough, and while it won’t happen overnight, you are going to uncover a better person than you thought you were. You’ll be far from perfect. You’ll still talk too much, and about yourself a lot, but the difference is, you’ll be more selfish. In a good way. You’ll still be generous to others, don’t get me wrong, but you will make sure that you are good. When you are not good, you will take time to rest. You will take care of yourself. You will do that which you’ve never done before. You are going to realize you’re a better mother, and person, when you heal what it ailing you.

You will be financially stable, to a point. But you will eventually get to where you’re able to set money aside. Did you hear that? On your own! On less! You’re going to rock at the other side of your life.

You’re going to be single for awhile though. And you’ll be okay with it. You’re going to fall in love, once, maybe for the first time, and it’s going to hurt like hell, but stay true to yourself, and always love yourself more than you love anyone aside from your kids.

 

Love yourself.

 

All those things he says. They’re not true. I know you know some of them aren’t, but he’s hurtful, and a monster. Breathe. You are going to get further away from him.

When he gets remarried, right after the divorce, remember that that’s more people to love your kids, and that’s never a bad thing. Love her. Forgive her. It seems like she took a lot from you, but she hasn’t earned anything but a false life that you used to have. She didn’t help destroy anything, because there was nothing to destroy. Hard facts.

Don’t go back to the first guy you’re going to date. After he dumps you the first time, move on. Seriously. Just don’t look back, he’s not worth your time. In fact, most of them aren’t. Nay, none of them are, so don’t kill yourself trying to make it work. Trying to make anything work, You’re better than that.

That brings me back to the one who will steal your heart, and bewitch you body and soul. I know you’re hopeful that it will happen someday, but I can’t tell you how that one will end. I know you feel seeing him is better for your soul, than not having him in your life at all, but only time will tell if that’s the case. I know that right now, my soul needs to see him, but I don’t know that will always be the case.

Don’t pay for dating sites.

You’re going to spend your money wisely, mostly. You’re going to get your bills paid for the first time in your life. You’re going to set aside money to take your kids to see the ocean, and do a little light travelling. You’re going to do awesome! Keep your head up. I know right now you have nothing, but that will change. And you will face big bumps, but you will make it out of this. Trust me.

Don’t sleep with the Sheriff’s Deputy. Don’t. Just don’t.

Do sleep with the cop.

Have great sex. Have no strings attached sex. Enjoy yourself. Explore. Seriously. Let loose, but always be safe.

Complain less. Share less of the bad stuff. Share the good stuff. Smile. A lot. All the time. Well, most of the time. You don’t want to look like the village idiot.

It’s okay if you’re not perfect. It’s really okay to be flawed. It’s okay to be sad. And hurt. 

Smoke fewer cigarettes.

Don’t chase anyone. You deserve better than that. If you find you are the only one chasing, try to let go. It won’t always be easy, but try your best. You deserve someone who will chase you.

Quit smoking.

Most of all. You’re doing the right thing. You’re doing the right thing for your kids, and for yourself. Don’t doubt that. Trust me when I say that you wouldn’t believe me if I told you all you are going to accomplish and do over these next couple years. You are going to learn to work on mowers, and cars, and do things that you wouldn’t have dreamed you were capable of doing.

You are going to be fine. No, you are going to be great in the end. You are going to overcome every obstacle he, and life, will throw in your path. 

Keep your head up, and if you’re going through something difficult right now, stay your course. Know your worth. You are going to come out on the other side of whatever is testing you right now, stronger, better, and happier, if you keep your head up. I hope you’ll share these words with anyone who needs to hear them right now.

Much love,

Adriana

 

About Adriana Verdad:

I spent over two decades with a narcissistic sociopath, but after leaving him, I have found myself. I’m learning to love life on the other side of marriage, love, and life. I write so that I can help others learn to love the other side as well.

Check out Adriana’a blog, Love the Other Side!