16 Widespread Misconceptions About Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b
misconceptions expectation

If I’m honest with myself, I entered into my first marriage with many of these misconceptions. These beliefs made recognizing and admitting to any cracks in the marriage a proposition too scary to face because any faults would threaten my assumptions.

And I’m not alone in these inflated expectations of marriage. Over time, matrimony has shifted from being an arrangement of mutual practical benefit to carrying the burden of meeting most of our social, emotional and physical needs. Could it be that one of the reasons for the increasing divorce rate is the corresponding rise in our expectations of marriage?

A good marriage begins by understanding what is meant by a “good” marriage, by having a realistic picture of what you can expect from your marriage, your spouse and yourself.

It starts here…

–1–

Idealistic Expectation: Getting to know your spouse happens before marriage.

We are often counseled to wait a specific number of years – usually 2 or 3 – so that we have plenty of time to get to know the person we are about to marry. It is often assumed that once you have seen the person at their best, at their worst and survived a road trip together that there is no mystery left.

Realistic Expectation: Getting to know your spouse is an ongoing process.

In a marriage of any duration, you are effectively married to several people as your spouse changes over time and as you learn more about them. If you believe that you have learned all there is to know about them and you effectively close your eyes and shut your ears to new information, you may just wake one day to discover that you are married to a stranger.

–2–

Idealistic Expectation: I expect my spouse to be my best friend.

I had this expectation of my ex, especially once we moved across the country together. I wanted him to be husband, lover and bestie, all rolled into one neat package.  Expecting your spouse to be best friend is a large burden for them to carry. Furthermore, narrowing your circle of influence is limiting to both you and your partner. It’s one thing to have your partner be a best friend. Something else for them to be your only best friend.

Realistic Expectation: I can expect my spouse to be one of the most important people in my life and to have our relationship occupy a more intimate space than any other relationship. 

It is completely reasonable for you to expect that your spouse is “your person.” They are the one you list as an emergency contact, the first you call with important news and the one you return home to each day. Additionally, it is entirely appropriate for your spouse to be your most emotionally intimate relationship and for there to be more shared with your spouse than anyone else. After all, there is a reason that you cannot be forced to testify against your spouse in court:) That being said, it’s also important to maintain close friendships outside of the marriage.

–3–

Idealistic Expectation: I expect my spouse to never hurt my feelings.

With this expectation, we become primed to take every slight, every cross word, personally. Yet the reality is that ANY two people that spend significant time together will inevitably hurt each other’s feelings. Often unintentionally.

Realistic Expectation: I can expect my spouse to not act out of malice or with an intent to manipulate.

Your marriage should be a safe space, both physically and emotionally. It’s one thing to push your spouse’s buttons at times, and something entirely different to strive to make them feel inferior or rejected. You can enter into marriage with an expectation that your spouse refrains from abusive behavior and that an effort is made to spend more time operating from a place of kindness than of crossness.

–4–

Idealistic Expectation: My spouse should be able to tell when I am upset.

This expectation can lead to a toxic cycle. It begins when one partner becomes upset at the other and responds by actions (for example, withdrawing) rather than words. The initial slight becomes amplified with the belief that the other person should be able to correctly identify the emotional state and even the reason for the reaction.

Realistic Expectation: I can expect that my spouse will take an interest in my general well-being and to make an effort to be observant. 

Your spouse is not a mind reader. It is not fair to expect them to know what you do not say. That being said, it is fair to expect them to care about your emotional and physical state.

–5–

Idealistic Expectation: My spouse and I should have similar interests.

I sometimes get strange looks when I engage in an activity with someone other than my husband. It seems to be assumed that we should accompany each other of any adventure, despite our independent interests. Yet if I dragged my husband to a botanical garden, we would both be miserable. I would rather attend with a plant-minded friend while he tinkers with his Corvette and then we can reunite and share the good feelings that arose independently.

Realistic Expectation: My spouse and I can have similar life goals and beliefs yet achieve those in different ways.

My now-husband and I are both passionate about helping people. I fulfill my altruistic drive by writing; he meets his by teaching people how to fight. On the surface, these activities could not be more different even though they are aligned in their larger meaning. And having separate lives enriches our life toegther.

–6–

Idealistic Expectation: My spouse should be able to meet my needs.

I made the mistake in my first marriage of expecting my husband to help me recenter after a rough day at work. It was effective, but is also handicapped me and my emotional independence. I now find that the more I make sure that my needs for stress reduction and restoration are met apart from my marriage, the better spouse I can be.

Realistic Expectation: I have to take responsibility for making sure my needs are met in an honest and healthy way.

The only time it is appropriate to expect another to meet all of your needs is during infancy. After that, it becomes your responsibility to make sure your requirements are met. It is perfectly reasonable to turn to your spouse for some of your needs. But also ensure that you have other resources that you can turn to.

–7–

Idealistic Expectation: My spouse should never disappoint me.

Disappointments will happen. It doesn’t mean that your partner is evil or doesn’t love you. It means they are human.

Realistic Expectation: Although disappointments are inevitable, I can count on my spouse to not betray me.

There;s a difference between disappointments and betrayals (although sometimes we can treat the minor infractions as major missteps). Betrayals, with their deceptions and intentionality, speak to a lack of integrity.

Continue to read the rest.

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What To Do When You’re “Over It” But It Isn’t Over

Posted on by stilllearning2b
over it

Are you “over it?”

 

“Enough is enough!” my client exclaimed, her frustration and determination both succinctly contained in those words.

It’s a reaction I think we can all relate to. Sometimes life feels like we’re Indiana Jones trapped in that underground room with the walls relentlessly pressing in. At first, we’re responsive. Reactive. We press forward using our hope like a torch lighting the way.

But sometimes life keeps pushing back. And the situation, far from being temporary, begins to feel endless. Even hopeless.

We get tired. Disappointment and aggravation rise as spirits fall. Our mind and body screams for us to tap out, but life isn’t listening.

So what can we do when we’re “over it,” but’s not yet over?

 

Be Mindful of Your Mindset

When we focus on the end, we neglect to be in the present.

When we label something as “bad,” we have tendency to overlook the good. Whatever you nurture, grows.

When we assign happiness and success to external things, we neglect to make the internal changes needed to do better once the external circumstances change.

Take time to recognize, remember and be grateful for the beautiful moments this period has had to offer. And think about how you can cultivate those in the months or years to come.

Be present and mindful in these ongoing moments. Practice letting go of expectations and nurturing acceptance.

Refrain from assigning any magical powers to a new situation. If you want different, be different.

 

Don’t Be a Casualty of a Victim Mindset

When life has you between an elephant and asphalt, it’s easy to throw a pity party and engage in the “why me!” wails. A victimhood mindset is tantalizing. It offers excuses and a respite from responsibility. It often feels good and frequently comes with a generous helping of sympathy and pity.

Yet ultimately, the siren song of victimhood isn’t worth the tradeoff. You’re allowing yourself to be kept in a position of helplessness. Those drawn to you may have a need to be needed and so they have a motivation to keep you needy.  And you can become dependent upon the ministrations of others, forced to constantly up the victim’s cry to maintain support.

 

Appropriate Breaks

When we’re tired, everything feels overwhelming. Your situation may be ongoing, but that doesn’t mean that you have to allow it mental space 24 hours a day. Sometimes when we have this BIG thing in our lives, we feel like we have to honor it with our constant attentions.

What might it look like it if you simply decide to change the channel for a time? It probably won’t make this thing end any sooner, but it probably won’t make it any worse either. Be wary of falling into the trap of waiting to live, of waiting to happy, until it’s over.

This situation may be a big part of your life right now, but it’s not your whole life.

 

Unearth Your Agency

Part of your frustration comes from feeling like you have no control. And there probably is quite a bit going on that you cannot change.

But there are some things you can.

Become your own detective, approach with curiosity and be wary of accepting ideas too readily as facts. What aspects of your situation – or more likely, your response to the circumstances, can you control?

Uncover those areas where you have agency and take responsibility for altering those and navigating them towards the direction you’re going.

 

Mark the Incremental Improvements

If you ran a marathon and only noted the finish line, the race would feel endless and your progress would seem insignificant. If, however, you were aware of every passing mile marker, your headway towards the goal would be readily apparent.

Life is no different. Don’t simply wait for the current circumstances to be over, make an effort to notice the intermediate accomplishments and improvements, no matter how small. No celebration is too big.

 

Funnel Your Frustrations

Being “over it” is a compilation of exhaustion and frustration. Use the latter to fuel you out of the former. That anger has energy that can put to good use. Find somewhere to focus your attention and your efforts that is unrelated to your current situation.

Plant a garden. Restore your deck. Replace your brakes. Sign up for yoga teacher training. Start a book club. Initiate a neighborhood walking club. Train a puppy. Master coding. Or calculus. Or a new language.

The “what” matters little. It’s the effort and attention that will help to lift you from your annoyance and perception of being stuck.

One day, that thing that you’re wanting to end, will.

And in the meantime, get busy living.

 

 

 

Controlling Your Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Part of what makes divorce so difficult is that so much of what is happening around you – and to you – is completely out of your control. It’s scary. It’s crazy-making. It’s infuriating.

And it also doesn’t have to be so bad. Learn how you can control your divorce. 

 

 

How to Remove the Emotion When Dealing With a Difficult Ex

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Some people end up friends with their exes.

Some people are able to successfully navigate their way into a companionate coparenting or business relationship with their spouse.

And others have an ex from you-know-where that continues to cause pain and wreak havoc long after the divorce.

Sometimes you can go no-contact and excise the malignancy.

But what can you do if you can’t remove your ex from your life but you still want to remove the emotions from the interactions? You may be stuck with them, but you don’t have to be stuck with how they make you feel.  Here are 11 ways that you can find emotional distance from a difficult ex.

Ghost Busters: Breaking Through the Pain of Abandonment

Posted on by stilllearning2b
abandonment

If the top charts on iTunes are any indication, I’m not alone in my new obsession with the broadcast, Missing Richard Simmons. If you had told me that I would ever be counting down the hours until I could hear the next installment of a reality drama involving the over-the-top weight loss guru, I would have looked at you with confusion and maybe even a little irritation. I’ve always thought he was a great person with amazing compassion and an insatiable drive to help people. But frankly, his approach was always a bit too much for me and would usually prompt me to look away.

Until he went missing. All of sudden, I am this drive to understand him. To know that he’s okay and to delve into the possible reasons for his sudden and complete disappearance, not only from the public eye but also from most of his friends and family.

Unlike me, I didn’t analyze my obsession. I just fed it.

Until another podcast crossed my feed – Haunted by Ghosting on Dear Sugar radio. This pod focused on two letter writers who felt they had been ghosted, one by a friend and another, a lover. And as Cheryl and Steve dug into the particular effects of being ghosted, it finally clicked.

The reason for the national obsession with Missing Richard Simmons is the same powerful drive to understand “why” when we’ve been ghosted on a personal level.

Because the cruel truth about ghosting is that it may be the easy way out for the one doing the leaving, but the results of the abrupt and ambiguous ending haunt the one who is left for a very long time.

One of the strongest and most immediate drives following a ghosting is the overwhelming need to know. Our brains detest a mystery and so they desperately try to solve the puzzle. The first impulse is usually thinking that something terrible befell the person, that the disappearance was the result of an accident or a tragedy rather than some conscious decision to act.

I experienced this in a major way when my ex pulled a ghosting test-run of sorts. I thought he was on a business trip to Brazil (and desperately ill from food poisoning). The reality, as revealed after the final ghosting occurred, was that he was on a honeymoon with his soon-to-be bride. When he failed to respond to any calls or messages for days,  I went into a panic, calling hospitals, airlines, the embassy and his boss. It was the latter that finally got his attention (and his ire). In all that time and effort, it never even crossed my mind that his vanishing act was deliberate.

Once the initial explorations into foul play or unforeseen catastrophe fail to pan out, the mind begins to turn inward. “What did I do to cause them to suddenly leave?” “Am I so bad, so unlovable, that they couldn’t bear to stay around me?”

Ghosting is rejection of the most brutal form, the childhood game of silence played out to its most sadistic end. It’s one thing to be yelled at. It’s another entirely to be ignored. As though you’re not even worth the effort of speaking a word.

And then that’s followed by the secondary rejection of self-blame, the turning away from ourselves, often causing even more damage than the initial ghosting. If we’re not careful, shame begins to grow in that dark and tear-dampened environment, telling us that not only are we unlovable, but that we must be kept hidden.

The cruel irony is that shame is one of the primary driving forces behind the act of ghosting. The disgrace the ghoster feels coupled with a distinct lack of courage builds into an irrational anxiety and the decision to step out instead of stepping up. To make an about face instead of facing the difficult truth.

Their choice to disappear speaks volumes about them and a mere phrase about you. In don Miguel Ruiz’ masterpiece, The Four Agreements, he explores our tendency to interpret the actions of others as a personal affront. The reality, he argues, is that they are in their bubble and you, in yours.

I found comfort in the phrase, “collateral damage” when I was emerging from my shame-filled hidey hole after abandonment. I opened myself to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, he didn’t disappear because of me.

For a long time, I believed that I needed him to face me. To face what he had. I wanted the satisfaction of seeing him uncomfortable but, more than anything, I sought closure. I thought if I could just hear from his own lips why he left, I could move on. I thought that if he said he was sorry, that the pain would fade.

I was wrong. I was expecting the one who hurt me to be the one to heal me. A desperate fool’s mission.

I never did speak to him. I never heard an apology or an explanation. Yet I no longer internalize the rejection. I’ve gone full circle, now again thinking that something was wrong with him when he didn’t respond. Only instead of an accident, it was depression. Or addiction. Or shame spiraling out of control. Or anxiety about his professional future. Or fear about his health.

Or…

And that’s the thing about ghosting – the person is gone, the pain eventually fades but the questions, they will always remain. It’s up to the one left behind to learn to live with the uncertainty instead of allowing it to haunt one’s days.

As for Richard Simmons, maybe the final episode next week will lead to some answers about why he disappeared. And maybe it won’t. Not all mysteries are meant to be solved.