Keep Calm. Karma’s Got Your Back.

Posted on by stilllearning2b
karma

It’s funny how time changes things. I used to have a driving need to “make him pay.” Then, I lost the need to be his judge and jury, but I still wanted to know that he faced the consequences of his choices.

Now?

Now, I actually want him to be okay. Far away. But okay.

But ultimately, what happens to him isn’t up to me.

It’s up to him.

Because when you do good, good has a way of doing back to you.

And when you do bad…

Well, let’s just say bad holds a grudge and carries a big stick.

 

For those who missed it last spring, here is my episode of Karma’s a B*tch, Till Debt Do Us Part. It’s available in two formats:

On iTunes for $2.99

On Amazon Instant Video from $1.99

It’s interesting to see the story played out in live action.

 

And while we’re on a karma theme, here are some great karma quotes. Enjoy:) And remember, karma’s always watching.

01b406a3cb1bfac95f4a56c6a1b8f17b dear-karma i_saw_that_karma I-hope-karma-slaps-you-in-the-face-before-I-do.-T-Shirts karma_domino karma_has_no_deadline karma-1 Karma-25826 karma-cleanse karma karma karma1 KARMA11 keep-calm-and-let-karma-finish-it-32

 

Pros and Cons of a Disappearing Act

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Being abandoned sucks. The shock alone is enough to stop your heart. And then, once it starts beating again, all you want to to is yell at your so-called partner who thought it was acceptable to simply walk away with no notice and no dialog. It steals your voice. It leaves you in a perpetual state of uncertainty and doubt. It means you never had a chance to fight for your marriage and you’re left alone to try to sort through the mess of what’s left. Friends and family question what about you was so bad to cause your spouse to slink away like a thief in the night. It calls the entire relationship into question. And there are no answers to be found.

Yeah, there’s no doubt. Being abandoned sucks.

But, as with everything, there is another side. One I have fully embraced (it was either that or go crazy). And one explored, somewhat humorously, by Chump Lady. One of my favorite lines from her? “You mistook this ice cube for a human being. It happens. Maybe you bred with the ice cube. I’m sorry.” Thank goodness I didn’t procreate with my ice cube and his vasectomy ensures he never will.

 

So, here are the pros and cons of abandonment as I see them. I’d love to hear your additions as well.

 

Pros

-It’s efficient. There’s no long, protracted “do we stay together or split?” period.

-You never get your hopes up. You know it’s over.

-The no-contact advice is really easy to follow.

-You know he/she is a jerk (regardless of what you thought before) and you don’t waste time pining over him/her.

-You don’t have to make the difficult decision about divorce. Even if your spouse leaves it to you to file (as in my case), it’s a clear course of action.

-You may have been lied to (for years, even), but the lies are over. You don’t have to listen to any more deceptions.

-You don’t have to spend any awkward time living in the same house as your soon-to-be-ex. Although you may have to clean out his/her underwear drawer if they left without their belongings.

-If you need evidence to prove “fault” for the divorce or custody laws in your state, you’ll have plenty of fodder.

-You’ll spend less time divorcing so you can get busy healing.

-It makes for an interesting divorce story.

 

Cons

-The shock is horrific. It literally almost killed me when I dropped 20 lbs in a week and developed an abnormal heart rhythm.

-You feel discarded. Like you weren’t even good enough to have a discussion with.

-You feel so angry, yet there is no one to yell at.

-You will always wonder what happened. And answers, even false ones, never come.

-You may discover a hidden life, complete with betrayals from sexual to financial.

-You will be blamed. Everyone always insists there are two sides to every story. Even when you didn’t know there was a story.

-You have no time to get used to the idea of being single. You’re married and then “poof!,” you’re not.

-It makes it hard to trust again. If one partner disappeared without warning, what’s to stop the next from doing the same.

-It’s difficult to sort through the marriage and identify areas where you could improve without assuming the guilt for the whole enchilada.

-If you have kids, their relationship with the disappearing parent will be affected at best and absent at worst.

 

Looking at those lists, I’m sure glad that I didn’t have to make a choice between the two. It goes without saying that they’re both awful, horrible, no good, very bad experiences. But, as I’ve said before, happiness is divorce in the rearview mirror. Get through and get on.

 

 

 

 

So Last Year, This Happened

Posted on by stilllearning2b

So last year, this happened. And it wasn’t pretty. My first reaction was more shock than anything. And it got worse before it got better. That night was the longest I had endured in years. It was like four years of healing had been erased in a few moments. Somehow, I made it through the next day at work and, after some self-care that evening, I was even able to poke fun at the encounter.

And this weekend is the anniversary and I’m going back to the scene. And I think I’m okay. The first time is the worst and, even if it happens again, it will be easier than it was then.

Or at least that’s what I’m telling myself.

It’s not as though there has been enough repeated exposure to lessen the shock value. It’s not like the other triggers that I have slowly erased with the aide of time and layering. This is different. This one is alive. Or at least was a year ago.

Last year, I was surprised.

This year, I’m anticipating.

And I don’t like that.

It reminds me of the early months, when I always kept my eyes peeled and my guard up.

I don’t want to live that way again.

Even for a day.

So I am going to do my best to enjoy the day. Be in the moment. Not worry about what may happen and how I’ll respond. Because I know that I’ll be okay regardless of what transpires. I’ve faced that dragon and slayed it. And, if I have to, I’ll slay it again. I’ve gotten pretty good at that particular battle.

And to my ex, if you are by some chance reading this, please stay home this weekend. I’d really appreciate it.

Revisionist

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I was in the early days after the text, I found Viki Stark’s blog, Runaway Husbands. I had mixed feelings about the discovery. On the one hand, it felt good to know that I wasn’t alone. On the other, especially as she was collecting stories for her book, it was filled with wives adding their own, often anger-filled, stories of how he left. I spent a few weeks there and even added my own tale. But then I moved on, knowing that reading about the beginnings every day would keep me in the beginning. I cared about how he left but I was more concerned about how I was going to live.

If you have experienced a tsunami divorce, I recommend reading Viki Stark’s work. She distills thousands of cases into facts and patterns, which bring some comfort and depersonalization to the betrayed. Although her work is with abandoned wives, it fits just as well with the husbands I have encountered that have also experienced sudden abandonment.

In her recent piece in Psychology Today, My Husband Was Abducted By Aliens, she explores the way that the deserting spouse rewrites history and reality to match his/her own needs. I remember how crazy-making this was when my ex spewed lies in his suicide letter to my mom and other wife (spoiler – he survived). In time, I came to realize that he could not live with the cognitive dissonance created by his actions. So he rewrote my reality to match his.

One of the pieces of advice I give to someone in this situation is to have a reality anchor. There are days that feel like an acid trip through Alice’s Nightmareland, where you no longer know what is a fabrication and what is real. Have something that reminds you of the truth that can bring you back. I held a copy of his mugshot in my purse for months. It was my reminder that he was a criminal.  And criminals lie.

The most important advice I can give to someone who has been abandoned is to learn how to not take it personally. Sounds crazy, I know. Read this.

Regardless of what your exiting spouse says, it’s your story. Write your happy ending. Aliens be damned.

 

How to Surf a Tsunami

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Many of us will face a personal tsunami at some point in our lives. We will be felled by a great wave bringing with it sudden change and loss. Perhaps your tsunami is in the form of the death of a loved one, maybe it is the loss of a job or a way of life or possibly you have lost the health you took for granted. My own tsunami was in the form of an unexpected divorce after being abandoned via a text message.

Regardless of the nature of your abrupt trauma, tsunamis have some common characteristics. By their nature, tsunamis are difficult to predict and even harder to prepare for. You have to face the realization that you cannot control your surroundings. The world that you knew is gone, swept away in a single move. You feel disoriented as you try to navigate this new realm.

Soon after the trauma, it feels like it will be impossible to rebuild. The odds seem insurmountable. The shock and grief permeate everything and make every move a struggle. Restoration after a sudden trauma is not easy, but it is possible. In fact, you can even learn how to surf your tsunami, moving through it with skill and grace.

The following are my healing tips for anyone who has been flattened by a tsunami.

Breathe

The blow of sudden trauma is physical. The body tenses as if anticipating another blow. The breath is the first to suffer; it becomes shallow and rapid behind a breast wrapped tight in a straightjacket of sorrow. Release it. It won’t be easy and it won’t be automatic, at least in the beginning. Set a reminder on your phone or computer to take several deep breaths at least once an hour. As long as the body is anticipating another blow, the mind will be as well. Sometimes it’s easier to train the body and allow the mind to follow.

Read the rest here.