Holiday Survival Tips for the Divorced and Separated

Posted on by stilllearning2b

There is no season more polarizing than the weeks between Thanksgiving and New Years. For some, it is eagerly anticipated as they welcome the time with family and tradition. For others, it is a season filled with dread, as it has an uncanny ability to highlight what we do not have. For those in transition from one life to another, from partnered to single, from big family to small, it can be a tricky season to navigate but a little effort and reframing can go a long way. The following are some tips for the divorced and separated that can can help you reclaim your holiday rather than hiding from it.

Let Go of the Way it Was

It will not be the way it was before. Don’t even try to make it stay the same. It is an exercise in futility. But here is the most important part – just because it is different does not mean it cannot be just as good. Or even better.

We resist change. It’s normal. We prefer things to stay the same rather than to venture into the unknown. Change is scary but it also means that the rules have been lifted.

If you have kids, this is a good conversation to have with them. Let them know that the season will not be the same. Remind them of other changes in their lives that were scary and unfamiliar at first but that turned out to be good – the birth of a sibling, the change of a grade, the move into a new home. You are their model for how to handle change. Wear it well.

Put Yourself on a Media Diet

Sometimes I think that the Christmas ads and movies have to be sponsored by the drug companies that make antidepressants. There is nothing so disheartening as to constantly compare your life with the saccharine-sweet images of perfection that bombard us ever winter.

It’s impossible to avoid them all but you can limit your exposure. Put down the Pintrest. Walk away from Facebook. Record your TV shows and avoid the commercials. I would not, however, recommend wearing a blindfold at Target. You might accidentally purchase a reindeer sweater.

Consciously choose to read and watch and listen to things that build you up. That remind you of what is really important. That make you feel good about your life.

Give it Away

There is no better way to shut down a pity party than to give to others. If you are unanchored during the holidays, it is a perfect opportunity to volunteer. You can find opportunities at your local churches, through a Meetup group or through a local charity. Inquire at a nearby hospital or senior center. There is always a need for volunteers during the holidays. If you don’t like the idea of being around people, volunteer to help out at an animal shelter. Make or wrap gifts to send to children or troops. You can touch others lives even if you never leave the house and that connection will help to make the holiday better for both of you.

Create New Traditions

Try to see this as an inspiring time to create new traditions. The sky is your limit. Who says that Thanksgiving has to mean a formal turkey dinner? Where is it written that Christmas must occur around a tree? After my parents split, my mom decided that Thanksgiving was meant to be carried out in a campground, a tradition that Brock and I uphold today. I know of other families or individuals that take trips. Some redecorate. By starting a new tradition, you are staking claim on the holiday, controlling it rather than letting it dictate how you will feel.

I May Not be Traditional

Reschedule the Holiday

For those of you in the difficult position of not having custody of your kids on the holidays (whether every year or every other), this can be a powerful tool for you if you know how to use it. Use the calendar to your advantage. We often receive more happiness from the anticipation of an event rather than the event itself. If you do not have your kids on Christmas, reschedule your holiday (and remember, you can make it whatever you want) for a few days or weeks later. This gives you something to look forward to when your ex has the kids and capitalizes on the inevitable letdown that kids have after the frenzy of the holiday.

Redefine Family

I have had the wonderful experience of being “adopted” into various homes over the years to celebrate the holidays. The invitations were usually offered after the usual “What are your plans for Christmas” exchanges. I am so thankful for the families that included me over the years. Yes, sometimes I felt like the odd one out, but mostly I just felt loved and supported. There are most likely families in your life that would happy to extend an invitation to you. Just be open and willing.

Brock and I now are able to be the home for other Christmas “orphans.” If you are in a position where you can have people over, look around you for others that may not have a place to go. Ask them. And remember, you can create your own traditions. In our home, we tend towards Mexican lasagna and martial arts videos. Not quite traditional, but quickly becoming tradition:)

Ghosts of Christmas Past

Spontaneity and Silliness Are Your Allies

This is a great time to practice saying yes. Yes to new opportunities. Yes to smiles. Yes to chances. Don’t take it or yourself too seriously. Get out of your head and just be. I recommend doing something you suck at to encourage the giggles. For me that’s not too hard. Ice skating or anything requiring a downhill usually does the trick. It’s hard to be morose when you’re constantly falling on your butt.

I’ve Fallen, But I Can Get Up!

Embrace the Solitude

All of that being said, there is no way around the basic truth. Those first few holidays without your partner can be horribly lonely. Isolating. It’s a bitter reminder of what you had and what no longer exists.

Face the loneliness and then, go one further, and embrace the solitude.

Some of my most powerful and spiritual experiences have been in those moments. Those solo hikes through empty woods. Those isolated drives insulated from the rest of the world. Those moments in a crowd where I seemed to be the only one without a mate.

Feel the power within yourself. Recognize that you can chose how you want to feel and you can create a holiday season that is meaningful for you.

Even if it includes awful reindeer sweaters.

 

Ghosts of Christmas

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Christmas can be such a polarizing season. Some people are enraptured by the sights and sounds, while others, lamenting what they have lost or never had, fall into despair. Why is it that a holiday can have so much power to drive our emotions? Why are some okay with their lives from January through November, but then feel despondent about their lot when the month clicks over to 12? Why do others allow stress to accumulate throughout the month, only releasing it with the ribbons on Christmas mornings? How is it that a holiday that emphasizes togetherness creates intense loneliness in so many?

It’s simple, really. There is no other time of the year as fraught with expectations as Christmas. And loneliness, stress, and disappointment hitch a ride on those expectations, sliding into our minds undetected. We can choose not to welcome them. We can use awareness to exorcise the ghosts of Christmas’s past and future, allowing ourselves to embrace the present and whatever gifts it brings.

Ghosts of Christmas Past

When I was young, I spent Christmas with both my parents. As with all families, we had rituals and traditions. I remember my mom making pineapple ham and my dad coming in from a bike ride, the smell of sweat blending with the scent of the pine needles on the tree. I remember the Christmas eve church services, with me squirming between them awaiting the tradition of opening one gift that night upon our return. I can picture our rides through town, viewing the lights in the trees and luminaries that lined the streets.

And then we were two. My parents divorced and my dad moved across the country. It took us some time to find our stride. Those first couple years felt empty; traditions carried out even though a critical member of the team was missing. We tried to keep it the same, fought against the inevitable change. It didn’t work. It never does.

Eventually, we created our own traditions, some carried through and some newly invented. We had a family friend join us for celebrations, her energy completing the triad. We took trips. We celebrated with other families. Sometimes we had money. Often we did not. But it didn’t matter. We let go of Christmases past and, in doing so, created wonderful Christmases in the present.

Scan 1

This was one of my favorite Christmases. My mom obtained and wrapped a refrigerator box and a washing machine box and assembled them to make a stocking. I was shocked when I woke up that morning and, at 16, it took a lot to impress me. Our family friend joined us and they both had fun laughing at me as I crawled through the endless “stuffing” that filled the stocking and surrounding wrapped gifts, many of which were inexpensive. This was a great example of how creativity and attitude matters more than money.

I’m thankful for those childhood experiences. They taught me to be flexible and to work within the present reality. As I entered into married life, my husband and I followed a similar model. We were lucky enough to be “adopted” by various families over the years. On some Christmases we traveled, and some we did not. Sometimes we saw family; more often we were devoid of blood relatives. Each year was different. And each year was wonderful in its own way.

Christmas
At my ex-in law’s on Christmas in 2001.

If you have children, realize that your attitude towards the holiday is more important than any traditions. If your family has changed, it is futile to try to recreate the Christmases of the past. But that doesn’t mean that your Christmas cannot still be wonderful.

Ghosts of Christmas Future

Not everyone is haunted by the past. Some people’s expectations are fixated on the future. It is easy to allow expectations to build. We expect Uncle Bobby to act differently than he usually does and we get stressed when his good behavior fails to manifest. We picture perfect children, gleaming and squealing in glee. We envision a table piled high with delectable goodies worthy of Martha Stewart’s kitchen. We allow our minds to ponder what glorious gifts might lie just beneath the wrappings. We watch movies filled with perfect families and see commercials pushing items, implying that they will make your life perfect as well.

christmas dinner at my mom's house

These daydreams may be pleasant, but they have a dark side. Unless you are visiting Martha, the spread will not be perfect. Your kids will inevitably allow grouchiness to overcome them by afternoon. You will probably not find the winning lottery ticket in you stocking. In other words, Christmas will be real. It is easy to become disappointed when we allow our expectations to grow well beyond our realities.

The ghost of Christmas future is often hardest on those who are or feel alone. The divorced parent who does not have custody over the holiday. The single person without family in town. At no time can you feel more alone than during a holiday that celebrates togetherness. But, you are only alone if you allow yourself to be. Let others know you do not have a family to celebrate with; the offers will likely come. Some of my best Christmases were spent with the families of friends or employers. If you’re willing to speak up and be vulnerable, you will find an open home and open hearts. They may not be family, but they are family for the day and sometimes that is enough.

Volunteers

If you prefer not to join another’s celebration, look for volunteer opportunities through church or Meetup.com. Helping others is a surefire way to get your mind off your own troubles. It may feel as though the whole world is paired up or celebrating with family, but that’s just the message, not the reality. You have choice in the matter. You can choose to suffer or you can choose to smile.

The Gift of Christmas Present

This year, my home will be full of family, yet none of them are related to my fiance or me. There is no tree in our  living room, nor lights on our house. I will be serving a vegetarian spread with nary a ham hock to be found. The kitchen will be messy and the plates will be mismatched (and chipped!). But there will be laughter and games. Friendship and smiles.

It won’t be like the Christmases of the past nor will it be a celebration in an imagined future. Rather, it will be the Christmas of now. Exactly as it should be. Let go of the ghosts lamenting the past and brush of those whispering of an imagined future and be with the Christmas of the present.

I wish you and your loved ones a happy (and real) holiday:)

Lessons From the Canyon

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We just returned from our annual Thanksgiving camping trip.The car is unpacked, the boots are off, and the washing machine is steadily rinsing away any traces of campfire smoke. The trip may be over, but there are lessons and memories still to savor.

Apparently the picnic table is more comfortable than the cold, hard ground!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We looked for a gator but never found one even though the tracks were everywhere!

I was booking the reservations this year just as we faced our first real cold snap, thus I chose to find a campground near the Georgia-Alabama border not too far from Florida instead of our usual Smokey Mountain haunts. This was the first time I’ve ever been camping where the signs cautioned us to be aware of alligators rather than bears!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We stayed at Florence Marina State Park but our primary destination was Providence Canyon, a state park that is affectionately know as “The Little Grand Canyon.”

Providence Canyon

I had an interview with Sean Moffett on Wednesday afternoon, so we didn’t get into the campground until right before dusk.We had about 30 minutes to set up camp and get a fire going for dinner, all while my stomach was making it very clear that I missed lunch. Luckily, we’ve been camping together several times before so we pretty much have camp set-up down to a science.

Lesson 1: The more you do something, the easier it becomes.

The lake/river/reservoir (I swear, every sign called it something different!) at Florence Marina State Park

After dinner, we spent some time sitting in front of the fire. I could tell I was wound up. I was impatient and kind of snappy. I wrote recently about being overwhelmed, and I was letting that get to me again. It’s been a busy fall with trips and events (for example, we just flew back in from Baltimore late Monday night and I had to be ready for camping by Wednesday morning). On top of those logistical challenges, I’m also having to adjust to some of the (very cool and completely surreal) opportunities that have been coming my way since I published the book. As a result of all of this, I’ve had a more difficult time than usual managing anxiety the last couple months.

Lesson 2: Just removing yourself from the situation does not remove yourself from the mindset.

So, there I was, fed and warm sitting next to a campfire with my boys and I was still stressed and irritable. Brock and I talked through things and he came up with three action points to help going forward when I am in similar situations: 1) Learn to say “no,” 2) Learn to delegate, and 3) use a key word to let him know when I’m close to meltdown. I thought this last idea was genius as I’ve tried to communicate to him when I’m feeling close to the breaking point, but he often doesn’t comprehend the magnitude at the time.

Who needs turkey?

Eventually, we made our way to the tent and promptly fell asleep. At some point during the night, I awoke to the sound of footsteps on the fallen leaves just outside the tent. As I woke Brock, I recognized a familiar snuffling sound right by my head. I looked down to Tiger’s bed in the corner of the tent and realized it was empty. Our dog had pushed open the zippered door with his nose, exited the tent, and could not figure out how to return.

Lesson 3: You can prepare but you cannot control.

Brock and I have worked with Tiger extensively to the point where he is frequently off leash. This training meant that when he did get out, he stayed close and came right back.

That’s my vest on the left and Tiger’s on the right. Can you tell who has a bigger torso? 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After breakfast the following morning, we headed just a few miles down the road to Providence Canyon. The canyon is not a natural formation, rather it was formed due to poor farming practices in the early to mid 19th century.

Lesson 4: Big things can have small beginnings.

The land originally consisted of gently rolling wooded hills. The early cotton farmers cleared the land of all existing vegetation and dug shallow furrows into the soil every planting season. Erosion took care of the rest. Now, almost 200 years later, the canyons are 150 feet deep and and growing wider by 3-5 feet each year.

I wonder what the farmers would make of this?!?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s wild to realize that the road leading to the park as well as the park buildings will be swallowed up by the canyon within my lifetime.

Lesson 5: Always be ready to adjust.

The continually retreating fence line.

We made our way down into the canyon floor. Up close, it was apparent that the canyon walls are more sand dune than stone.

Lesson 6: Impressive exteriors can conceal weak interiors.

There are signs everywhere warning hikers not to climb the canyon walls. I only slightly broke the rules:)

I even made it back down the hill!

Once the scale of the erosion became clear, people tried to slow the effects.

Kudzu was planted in the mid 20th century to try to anchor the soil.

Lesson 7: There is a tipping point where momentum becomes inevitability.

A more recent attempt to slow the collapse of the canyon walls. You can see that erosion is winning the battle.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Although the walls of the canyons are washing away, the depth remains fairly constant because it consists of a denser and harder stone than the chalk-like walls.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lesson 8: Sometimes the surface needs to be washed away to reveal what is underneath.

Providence Canyon is in many ways a man-made geological catastrophe. However, rather than simply hide it away, the state has chosen to turn it into a park that celebrates its beauty and also educates the public about its root causes.

Lesson 9: Don’t be afraid to celebrate the beauty that comes from devastation while learning how to avoid it in the future.

It’s impossible to deny the beauty.

We came across an old homestead identified by the following sign.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lesson 10: We are more adaptable than we realize.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
We saw many interesting landmarks along the trail.

It’s difficult to see in the lighting, but these are two trees that have grown together at points.

 

Lesson 11: We can grow together yet still be distinct and independent.

Unfortunately, we had to cut our trip short and forgo our planned second day of hiking since Tiger injured his foot.

Morning playtime with the boys

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lesson 12: It’s okay to play even if you’re hurt.

 

Providence has its appointed hour for everything. We cannot command results, we can only strive.
Mahatma Gandhi

I am going to strive for continued peace and serenity through the weekend:)

Tiger is just going to sleep!

Can you say ‘spoiled dog’? 🙂

 

 

 

I May Not Be Traditional

Posted on by stilllearning2b
Camp
Camp (Photo credit: kellec)

My boyfriend and I went camping on our first two Thanksgivings together. Neither one of us have family in town and we are physically unable to fragment ourselves enough to visit everyone spread across the country. So we don’t try.

We love our camping trips.  It is a wonderful time to disconnect and reconnect. To slow down and savor. To shiver in the crisp (okay, frigid) morning air and cuddle up in the sleeping bag at night. The coffee tastes better and the showers are somehow more cleansing even though the space is shared with daddy longlegs. The computers are left behind and the other devices only get turned on to play music while we make dinner or play cards or perhaps to check the latest Ravens score. It’s invigorating and relaxing.

But it also takes work. Preparation. Reservations and packing. Shopping and cooking. I get a week off for Thanksgiving and this year we are flying to my boyfriend’s hometown for the first half. As I was looking at the calender, I was realizing the short turn-a-round between that trip and the discussed camping trip. I was just about to question the wisdom of the latter when my boyfriend, apparently reading my mind, said, “We have to go. It’s tradition.”

He’s right. We went on our first Thanksgiving together and it was a time to get to know one another apart from the distractions of life. The second year we went despite being sick and in the middle of a move. We learned how to work together as a team even when neither one of us were at our best. And, this year we will go again. I am not sure what lessons this trip will hold.

8 Lessons From the Campground

But I’ve already learned one. Traditions are important. They bind and anchor relationships, whether with family, children, or partners. They are a certainty, a known, a home to go back to. In divorce, you lose many of your traditions along with your spouse. Let that create the space needed to make new ones.

As for me, I may not be traditional by trading turkey for trail mix, but I love my tradition in the mountains and the woods.

How about you? What are some of your favorite traditions?