Guest Post: How I Told My Kids We Were Getting Divorced

Posted on by stilllearning2b

For many people, the most difficult part about divorce is the impact on the kids. And this starts on the day that you tell them about the divorce. Author L.J. Burke shares his story and surprising revelation about the day his kids were told about their parent’s divorce.

 How I Told My Kids We Were Getting Divorced

The toughest part of my divorce was telling the kids that their Mom and Dad weren’t going to be together anymore. I avoided and agonized over this inevitable conversation for weeks. You don’t want them finding out through friends or other family members. You owe it to them to break the news as soon as possible. Preferably the both of you will do this together with your happy faces on.

I don’t think there is a perfect way to tell your kids that you’re getting divorced. There are so many factors; age, maturity, any kind of special problems with physical or mental health. There is no easy way to do this. I believe honesty is the most important thing to keep in mind. Don’t give your kids any false sense of hope that you will not break up. There are way too many Disney movies where divorced couples wind up back together in some magical zany way. Shame on you Disney!

This is how it happened to me: It was a nice summer morning and my soon to be ex-wife woke me up after I was sleeping for about three hours. I worked nights and this was my nighttime. We corralled the kids into the kitchen and my ex started the conversation with, “Kids, we have to tell you something.” She stopped and looked at me for what felt like an eternity. “OK, I guess I will do the dirty work,” I thought to myself. Now I was wide-awake. “There’s no easy way to say this, kids, but your mother and I are getting a divorce.” Both kids smiled at me and told us that they already knew. They both said they heard my soon to be ex having conversations with her divorce lawyer. (Remember, kids are incredible in hearing when they want to.) I went on and told them that we would still be a family; only it will be different now. I wanted to stress how we both loved them, and nobody was going to get abandoned.

I asked if they had any questions and they both said no. They both got up from the table and went on with their regular routines. I wasn’t sure what to think of this. My stomach was still in a knot, and I felt horrible. My ex just continued to pace and really didn’t say all that much.

I realize that wasn’t the perfect way to break the news to my kids, but it could of went much worse.

If you really have no idea how to break the news to your kids, I would suggest you go to a family therapist. Also, it would probably be a good idea for the kids to see a therapist at this very confusing and often difficult time. Make sure you reassure your kids often that you both still love them very much and will do everything in your power to make this process as painless as possible.   Do this often through the divorce process. Protecting your kids is priority one!

About the author:

L.J. Burke is the author of his new book, “Divorced Dad: Kids are Forever, Wives are Not.” Burke wrote this book looking back at his divorce with clarity, seeing what he did wrong and what he did right during this tough time.  It is his sincere hope that if you are contemplating, going through or have gone through a divorce, his book will help you through this very tough time. Burke is a Police Sergeant in a major metropolitan police department. The father of his two teenage boys, Burke recently remarried and is enjoying life with his new blended family.

 

Stepping on Toes in the Pursuit of Happiness

Posted on by stilllearning2b
happiness

“But I just wanted to be happy,” my couldn’t-be-ex-quickly-enough whined to the police officer in the interview room where he was being questioned for bigamy.

“That doesn’t give you an excuse to commit a felony,” the officer responded. I could hear him shaking his head in disbelief as he related this encounter to me on the phone later that day.

It brings up an interesting question though – when is it okay to cause distress to others on your own path to self fulfillment?

Your first impulse may be, “never.” Yet, we are not responsible for another’s happiness and we are in charge of our own. And there are times when you may have to step on some toes in order to make the changes that you need to make for you.

And it’s actually more harmful to engage in the people-pleasing (or cowardly) dance around the toes than to be honest and upfront from the beginning. When we try to protect people from our truth, we are acting as gatekeepers, something no relationship on common footing should ever have. Additionally, in trying to avoid hurting anyone, you create an environment seeded for deception (if you do want you want and lie about it to protect the other or yourself) or contempt and resentment (if you don’t follow your dreams and you blame your partner for your circumstances).

There are times when you have to step on some toes. Bruise some egos. Utter words that you know will lead to tears. And maybe even make a decision that causes a heart to break.

It’s not your job to ensure that your partner never feels pain. It’s not your role to act as security guard for your partner’s ego. And it’s not your responsibility to protect your partner’s cheeks from tears.

There are times that you may have to step on some toes in order to find your happiness.

But you are responsible for ensuring that you step as gently as possible. (Unlike my ex, who pretty much tap danced in combat boots over everyone in his life.)

If you are feeling unfulfilled in your life and you suspect that the pursuit of your own happiness will end up hurting others, here is what you need to consider if you want to tread as lightly as possible:

Don’t Be Impulsive

We all get irritated at times. We all reach a breaking point where eruptions are inevitable. This is not the time to throw out some news that will hurt your partner. Wait until you are calm and deliberate. Words can never be erased.

Speak Your Truth Clearly

Say it as it is. Provide the basics and only elaborate if asked.

Do Not Spread Blame

Even if you see your partner as responsible, this is not the time to point fingers. Own your part. And make sure you’re not on a snipe hunt for happiness. Not only is that not fair to your partner, you will never find what you’re looking for.

Be Patient

This may be old news to you, but it’s a breaking headline to your partner. Give them the time and space needed to adjust.

Accept That Some Pain is Inevitable

You can’t keep your partner from hurting. Offer comfort if it is welcome and don’t censor or try to minimize the pain.

Strive to Not Respond to Anger

When we are surprised and in pain, we often lash out. Try to not respond to anger; it won’t lessen the impact of your announcement.

Enlist Professional Help If Needed

Whether the news is delivered in a counseling office or a therapist is secured after-the-fact, recognize that help may be needed.

Listen and Keep an Open Mind

You may have reached a conclusion on your own. Be willing to listen to your partner. First, so that they can feel understood and also because you may find an alternative you did not consider.

And I discourage bigamy; you’ll find the police aren’t very sympathetic:)

When Would You Want to Know?

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Brock and I have been talking a lot about marriage lately – our own, others and just marriages in general. Last night, on the drive home from the last holiday party of the season, he asked, “If your ex had come to you and admitted he screwed up, would you have wanted to stay and work on the marriage?”

“It depends,” was my initial response. “If he came to me towards the end, after years of lies and betrayal, it would have been too late.”

“Yeah,” Brock uttered in agreement.

“But if he had come to me early on, before it went on too long, then I would have tried to make it work.”

“Makes sense. I know I would do anything I could to save our marriage if there was a problem.”

And I believe he would; he’s not the type to try to hide from a problem.

But then the conversation took a different turn, discussing what happens when a spouse screws up once. We both agreed that in that case, we would not want to know as long as the offending party accepted responsibility, addressed the underlying issues that led to the infidelity and ensured it never happened again.

In other words, if the spouse made a mistake in judgment rather than possessed an error in character, we wouldn’t want to know about the situation as long as it could be remedied and a repeat avoided.

I feel weird even writing those words. After all, the secrecy and lies are what ultimately tore apart my first marriage. And the thought of my spouse withholding such sensitive information causes me some distress.

But knowing it wouldn’t be any better.

These mind exercises are challenging for me. I’m one of those people absolutely built for monogamy. Hell, I even turned my cheek the first time Brock tried to kiss me because there was another man in the picture. When I am in a relationship, I develop a sort of tunnel vision where I don’t even recognize other men as potential partners and, if I ever feel an attraction to somebody, I make sure that I am never in a situation that could lead to making a bad decision.

So I struggle to even imagine how someone who has overall good character can make a mistake that leads to infidelity. But I know it happens. Even good people can make bad decisions.

It’s what you do after that defines you.

It was a strange conversation to have with my husband, essentially laying out a roadmap of what to do in case of infidelity:

1) Set yourself up to be successful; avoid potentially dangerous situations.

2) If you screw up, take responsibility and fix it (STD testing, counseling, etc.).

3) Don’t reveal to simply alleviate guilt. And never, ever shift the blame to your partner.

4) If you need help, get it.

It felt odd to talk openly about these worst-case situations, especially because in my first marriage, any talk of infidelity was simply, “Don’t do it.” (And we see how well that turned out!) But we’re all human and humans can make mistakes.

It’s what you do after that matters.

That doesn’t change the fact that I desperately hope this remains nothing but a thought exercise!

How about you? Are there situations where you would rather not know?

The Good Men Project has a new Facebook page that is all about relationships. Check it out!

December Reading List

Posted on by stilllearning2b

These are all articles I’ve collected over the last few months that I wanted to share with you. Some are about healing relationships while others are about ending relationships or how to survive once it’s over. Each one holds some nugget of wisdom that is worth passing on.

So pour the coffee, pull up a chair and get your read on:)

 

Are You In a Relationship With An Unavailable Person? 

This article discusses how we often mistake intensity for intimacy and gives twelve signs to look for in your partner (or yourself!) that indicate that somebody has trouble with vulnerability and connection. Read more here.

 

8 Scientific Facts About Successful Marriages

Some of these are obvious. Others, less so. It’s always good to reminded about what makes relationships – not just marriages – work. Read more here.

 

15 Reasons to Date a Martial Artist

Okay, so I married one. So I may be a bit biased:) Many of these are excellent traits in any partner, not just one who trains. Number 6 was especially key to me after the way my ex handled things. Read more here.

 

5 Surefire Ways to Kill a Relationship

I would wager that if you’re being honest, you would recognize at lease one of these patterns in your own relationship repertoire to some extent. If you name it, you can change it. Read more here.

 

35 Ways to Tell If It’s Over, And to Tell Your Partner

Do you want step-by-step instructions on what to do once you start thinking that the relationship has reached its end? You’ve come to the right place. Read more here.

 

3 Keys to Ending a Relationship With Dignity

If you know you want to end it, this post lists three important ideas to keep in mind to ensure a “good” breakup for you and your partner. Surprising, they don’t suggest ending a marriage via text. Read more here.

 

Your Brain is Nagging You. Here Are 5 Ways to Make it Stop.

Many of these I use with my coaching clients to help them limit intrusive thoughts about an ex. If you find that your brain fixates on thoughts you would rather not have, this is for you. Read more here.

Tells – The Truth Always Finds a Way Out

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Last night, we watched the movie Rounders, a drama where Matt Damon and Edward Norton portray high-stakes poker players. It was intriguing to disappear into that risky and shadowy world from the mundane security of the couch. My pulse was racing enough just watching someone lose $25,000 in a matter of seconds; I certainly didn’t feel a need to experience it myself.

I know very little about the mechanics of poker, but I do know a few things about psychology. And, as you may know, poker is often more about what the players think you have in your hand rather than the actual cards you hold. The winner is often the person who can see through others’ misdirections while projecting his or her illusion seamlessly.

I think my ex would have made a very good poker player.

For all I know, maybe he was. Perhaps that’s what happened to the money. But even if he never touched a deck of cards, he was still approaching life like a game. He was attracted to risks. He seemed to enjoy being able to manipulate people with his stories and actions. He had an amazing ability to read people and steer them in the direction he wanted.

And, like many poker players, he was almost brought down by his tell.

In the game, a “tell” is a subconscious sign that reveals when a player is stressed or bluffing. It can be a certain eye movement, a twitching of a finger or, as in the case of the movie, even reaching for an Oreo. Players work to restrain or hide their tells.

Because the truth is fighting to come out.

My ex met his other wife at a bar in a Vegas hotel, where they were both staying for work. According to her, they stayed up late that first night, flirting and drinking in the public spaces. He was wooing her with fabrications, telling stories of a manufactured persona woven from the lives of our friends. I guess at some point, the stress of the lies grew too great because he passed out cold on the casino floor.

Interestingly, in his statement to the police months later, he claimed that at that moment, he lost “conscienceness,” misplacing his ability to tell right from wrong. It was the only truth he wrote upon that paper.

The paramedics were called and his vitals taken. His blood pressure was as inflated as his lies.

Because the truth was fighting to come out.

For the last several months of our marriage, he visited doctor upon doctor trying to reign in his ever-soaring hypertension. No pill was strong enough; the pressure kept mounting.

Along with the lies.

The doctors declared his problem was idiopathic, arising from unknown origins. What they failed to realize is that the cause was buried in his psychology rather than his physiology. They were looking in the wrong place.

If I known I was married to a poker player, perhaps I would have recognized his hypertension for what it was. A tell.

Because the truth always finds a way out.

 

Side note – When I saw him a couple years ago, one of the only things I was curious about was his blood pressure. I figured it would be a clue as to the kind of life he was living.