Dogs Tell the Truth. People Tell a Story.

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“Dogs tell the truth. People tell a story.” Cesar Millan, The Dog Whisperer

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It’s no secret that I’m a fan of Cesar. His show, The Dog Whisperer, was some of the best therapy I received to help me with my anxiety and trust issues following the divorce. I used many of his ideas in my own life, thus earning him the moniker, The Life Whisperer.

Even though I was a fan, I didn’t know much about Cesar’s personal life apart from the show. I knew he was divorced, but I knew nothing of the circumstances or the effects.

Until yesterday.

Men’s Journal ran an excellent piece entitled, Rescuing Cesar, where he talks openly about a very difficult time in his life.

And, boy, do I relate.

Cesar sounds a lot like me – a hard worker who can be consumed with singular focus. While he was away for the show, his wife declared she wanted a divorce. He discovered that his financial standing wasn’t what he expected. His kids, and even his dogs, pulled away from him. He lost his pack in one fell swoop. His own tsunami.

About a year after me, Cesar was also crashing at another’s home. He also lost four pants sizes when the stress prevented the intake of food. He was facing betrayal of trust and the shock of loss.

He shares his brush with rock bottom and tells of the healing power of dogs. His description of his dogs surrounding him with affection brought tears to my own eyes. I have felt the caress of a dog more than once in my own low points.

Ultimately, for me, it was a dog that taught me how to trust again. Dogs tell the truth. When I met Tiger, I let him tell me about his owner. Through him, I was able to open my heart again.

The essay in Men’s Journal ends with Cesar describing areas where he still struggles. He says he is a “work in progress.”

Aren’t we all.

 

 

 

Obstacles

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Where Are Your Guard Towers?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Torreta de vigilancia

I had an extensive collection of guard towers in my marriage. They stood side by side, almost forming an impenetrable wall that encircled the union. Each one was fully staffed and stocked with binoculars and communication devices so that no surprise attacks could occur.

There was a fatal error made in their construction, however.

They all pointed outwards, watching for external attacks.

I went into marriage a realist. Sort of. I knew that fairy tales weren’t real and I had seen firsthand the ugliness that life can deliver. I say ‘sort of’ because I would never have thought that my husband was capable of delivering that ugliness. I had a realistic view of marriage but I didn’t have a realistic view of him.

I set out from the beginning to protect my marriage. I was afraid of external threats. I always had a deep fear that I would lose him, but I assumed that it would be to death. That fear was not unfounded since I has lost 13 friends that way in the preceding years. So I erected those guard towers to alert me to any incoming hazards.

When years passed with no alarms, I grew complacent. Fat (figuratively speaking) and happy within the protected enclave of the union.

And that’s when the attack occurred.

From within.

There were no alarms because my attention was focused in the wrong direction. Much like a pickpocket or a magician, my husband performed his tricks while ensuring my focus was elsewhere. And it worked.

My guard towers gave me a false sense of security. They were focused only on outside threats and, even worse, they were built so densely that they kept others out even when they offered no threat.

My towers are different now. I have pruned their numbers, limiting them to a few so as not to obstruct the view of the greater world. I make sure that they are on alert for hazards inside the relationship as well as those coming in from the outside. I ask them to be selectively permeable, much like a cell membrane, allowing benign bodies to pass.

I do have to be careful, as my guard towers are now prone to false alarms. When I hear sirens, I have to learn that the threat may be a ghost from the past and not a real menace.

I am happy within their borders. I trust their ability to alert me to danger. But I am not complacent. And that’s the best guard tower of all.