Looking the Wrong Direction

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I was young, I used to drive my mom crazy by insisting upon walking one direction while holding my gaze steady in another. When the inevitable collisions and falls occurred, I would cry out. Partly in pain and partly from surprise. Because even though I wasn’t watching where I was walking, I couldn’t believe that I ran into trouble.

Even though I got better at walking as I got older, it turns out I didn’t really get much better at looking where I was headed. At least when it came to marriage. Because like so many of us do, while I was saying my vows, I was looking the wrong direction.

—–

Before deciding to marry, people often worry about the seriousness and permanence of pledging to spend a lifetime with one person. They worry about forever in a world where there are no certainties and you never really know what lies around the next bend.

They may express concern about the consequences and potential sacrifice of pledging sexual fidelity to one person. A fear arises about the bedroom dying, a gangrenous limb attached to the ailing body of the marriage.

There may be a concern that the attentive and attractive new spouse may change over time and that the current positive feelings may not weather the transition. There’s a sense of promising to love someone as they are now and hoping that you’ll still love the person they become.

We might worry about our partner’s future abilities as a breadwinner or a parent. We know how they fit into our lives now, but we are unsure of how their role may change as families and jobs change around us.

And perhaps most common and most pressing, we wonder if we are choosing to marry the right person. We consider his or her weaknesses and wonder if we can tolerate them for-potentially-ever. We may look at their family and pick apart their issues and personalities. Economically-driven thoughts may filter through, as we wonder if this person is the best we can do.

But none of these fears address what is really important.

We’re looking in the wrong direction.

Because what we should be concerned with is not the unknowable future, not the inevitable changes that will occur and not even so much the person we have chosen to marry.

Instead of looking outward, we would be better served by looking at ourselves. Because if you’re anything like me, that’s really what you should be scared of.

—–

I did my share of considering all sides of my first husband before we got married. I knew his ups, his downs, his family skeletons and thought I had a good handle on what I was signing up for. I knew he was good to me and thought he was good for me.

And I was looking the wrong way.

Looking where I wanted.

Instead of where I was going.

Because I was afraid of seeing the truth.

I asked the easy questions and accepted the easy answers.

Because I was afraid of hearing the truth.

And when my marriage ran into trouble, I cried out. Partly in pain and partly from surprise. Because even though I wasn’t watching where I was walking, I couldn’t believe that I ran into misfortune.

—–

My ex husband christened himself a coward in the text that ended the marriage. His cowardice was overt, leading one life with me while hiding a covert life behind my back.

My cowardice was more subtle, a fear of things too big to handle. A child’s view of “If I can’t see it, it can’t get me.”

And so before my second marriage, I most certainly spent energy considering my potential spouse. Making sure he possessed the adaptability to handle life’s curves and the courage to face life’s troubles. I made sure his strengths and weaknesses were compatible with mine and that his shortcomings weren’t deal-breakers.

But I spent much more energy on myself. At working at being more brave about asking the hard questions and being willing to listen to hard answers. At seeing what is there, even when it is threatening. At trusting myself to be strong enough to handle the truth, no matter how awful it may become.

Because here’s what I realized – how I approach my marriage, my partner is just as important (if not more so) than all of those other concerns above.

Looking in the right direction doesn’t guarantee that I will never fall, but it certainly lowers the risk of surprise and the frequency of accidental collisions.

I guess I’ll have to find another way to drive mom crazy:)

8 Positive Life Events That Can Stress Your Relationship

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We often underestimate stress. Not the frenetic energy of the I-have-a-deadline-to-meet panic or the constant fear of how the bills are going to get paid this month.

But the other stress. The good stress. The stress that sneaks in alongside positive life events. The occurrences we hope for, pray for and plan for.

Only to be surprised when the desired event is served with an unwanted heaping side of stress.

And sometimes that stress can be even harder to bear than that which accompanies life’s rough times. It’s often a surprise, and so catches people unaware. It’s less likely to receive support and understanding from others than a corresponding negative event. Even worse, we often chastise ourselves for feeling stressed when life hands us a tall, cold glass of lemonade, believing that it is somehow wrong to feel that way when others are trying to juggle lemons.

But the reality is that stress accompanies any change. Even positive transformations. And a little prior knowledge, awareness and understanding can help to ensure that this stress – and its effects – are temporary.

Marriage

Wedding planning and execution is an effective distraction from the very real stresses that can accompany a new marriage. Although not as common as it once was, this may be the first time you’re learning how to live as roommates with your new spouse. And the reality of the commitment can be daunting as you realize that you’ve promised to sleep next to this person for the rest of your life.

Add to this the questions and expectations thrown at the new couple, with the peanut gallery pushing for home-buying and child-making before the honeymoon bags have even been unpacked.

This is a stress of transition and one the newness has passed, the stress will fade as well.

Promotion

When the celebratory dinner fades, the reality may begin to set in. The increase in position will most likely result in an increased workload, especially at first. This shift in work demands impacts the entire family, as others pick up the slack at home or act as a sounding board for the newly-promoted partner’s anxieties. A promotion also brings with it an increase in income, which requires new discussions around household finances and goals. There may be geographic constraints instituted  by the new position, requiring anything from remaining in the same area to a move across the world. All of these changes requires discussion, negotiation and perhaps compromise.

And perhaps most importantly, a promotion can come with a host of expectations, from the brand of work attire worn to the right neighborhood to live in. In a culture where we so often define ourselves by what we do, a change in work status can easily bleed into other areas.I saw this with my ex, as he moved from skilled manual labor to design and management positions. He became more concerned with appearances and projecting the image of someone who is successful.

It’s important to continue to remember and tell the story of the earlier days of struggle. To emphasize the team nature of the marriage, even as the roles may shift. If you’re the partner moving up in the work world, make sure to also expend energy to nurture your family; they’re the soil that anchors your roots. If you’re the spouse whose partner has been promoted, support them and also make sure you’re taking care of yourself.

Windfall

Whether it’s a lottery win or an unexpected inheritance from your great-aunt Gertrude, most of us dream of coming into a pile of money.

And most of us rarely entertain the downside of a sudden financial windfall.From the immediate, “What are we going to do with this money?” to the inevitable realization that no windfall is infinite in scope.

The sudden influx of cash can highlight any discrepancies in financial ideologies with the spender and the saver arguing over the best use of the funds. Sometimes the best decision is no decision, at least for a time. Let the money sit while you adjust to the idea of it and have time to engage in productive (rather than reactive) conversation with your partner.

New House

In most major cities, many couples struggle with the decision to buy a smaller, older home closer to the city and to work or to instead look to the far-flung suburbs with its large homes and equally generous commutes. Each has its potential stressors – the city home may be too small to comfortably fit the family and the schools may not be desirable. The suburban home entices with its low-priced perfection, but a lengthy commute can drain a person (and the family) in time.

I worry about families who decide to trade time for house size. We have neighbors who are making this move themselves in a few short weeks. And the husband will spend at least four hours on the road every day while his wife, who also works full-time, will essentially be solely responsible for their two young children. They are getting a great house and great schools. I just hope the price isn’t also great.

And even once the stress of the move is over, there is often the additional burden of being house-poor, especially in the beginning when everything seems to demand being purchased and updated at once. But at the end of the day, it’s just a house. And no structure is worth damaging a family over.

School

This one is so prevalent, I wrote an entire post about it.

Birth of a Baby

Although I’m not a parent, I’ve had the opportunity to witness this one first hand, with a couple who negotiated quite well through that first, stressful year.

The addition of a new family member – a crying, screaming, needy family member – is a huge stressor on a couple. Because the reality is hard, even when growing the family had always been a shared dream.

Celebrate your new status as a parent while ensuring that you don’t forget who you are apart from being a parent. And love on that baby while making sure that you don’t neglect to love on your spouse as well.

Empty Nest

“What do we even talk about now?” a friend confided in me after sending the youngest off to college. For most of her adult life, her marriage had been centered around child-rearing. And now with the children reared, the marriage was needing redefining. The stress of the transition caught her off guard, as she was eagerly looking forward to having more time and freedom.

Couples often come to rely on the energy and distraction of children to fill in the gaps in their own relationship. And when the children are gone, the fissures become clear and demand attention.

Retirement

Brock and I have annual practice at this one. It’s always a rough transition when the school year concludes and he has to adapt to me being around the house (where his office is located) all day long. We have to renegotiate alone time and boundaries while also taking advantage of the increased opportunities for connection. And, after a couple weeks, we usually have it all worked out. I really hope that our repeated practice pays off when we get to the real deal:)  Because from what I’ve heard from friends, it can be a doozy of a transition!

—–

Nothing in life is all-good or all-bad. It is an endless swirl of both joy and tragedy, celebration and strain. The only certainty we are promised is change. And the best way to find happiness is to learn to accept what life has in store while adapting to what comes your way. Peace is found not in being stationary, but in being fluid.

 

8 Reasons Relationships Move Too Fast (And Why You Should Slow It Down)

Posted on by stilllearning2b
relationship fast

Are you worried that your relationship is moving too fast?

It’s so easy to get carried away when you first meet somebody you’re attracted to. The oxytocin is flowing, the possibilities seem endless and you’ve yet to learn how annoying they can be on a long car ride. And sometimes that early intensity moves quickly into exclusivity, commitment and even cohabitation well before you even know much about your partner’s inner workings.

The following are 8 common reasons why relationships move too fast:

Fear of Being Alone

I see this fear in ever-increasing numbers in my friends as we all move towards middle age and beyond. It often seems as though it is better to have somebody than nobody, and so a new love interest is quickly catapulted into the role of “life partner.” Some people are aware of being motivated by a fear of being alone, while others are not conscious of the reasons behind their drive to be coupled.

It can be isolating when you’re not in a primary relationship and the fear that you will always be alone can solidify into conviction, prompting a ride on the fast track into partnership. But, as you may have experienced, the wrong relationship can be far, far worse than no relationship and there is no greater loneliness than that of feeling alone in a relationship.

Afraid of Losing “The One”

A belief in a soulmate, a perfect-fit partner, can create a desire to grasp onto someone out of a fear of missing out on “the one.” Maybe you’re afraid if you don’t commit soon, they’ll walk away. Or maybe they even presented you with an ultimatum. Regardless, the belief in a soulmate can create a sense of urgency, much like a one-day-sale at a department store encourages you to pull the trigger on a purchase.

I don’t believe in soulmates. There are many people that can be a good fit for you. And “the one” is part found (similar values, right timing, etc.) and part grown (developing intimacy, communication, history). That second part cannot be rushed. Or if it is, you may find later that the relationship is only partially developed.

Confusing Hormones for Love

There’s a reason the beginning of a relationship is so exciting – you’re literally high. Stoned on oxytocin, your body telling you to bond and bond fast. And it’s easy to listen to that siren song of lust, spending every waking moment you can with your new obsession and running into a relationship.

Oxytocin is powerful. But it’s also blinding. Would make a major life decision while you’re drunk? Because if you’re pledging yourself to another while still under the effects of those early hormones, that’s exactly what you’re doing.

Only Know How to be Committed

This was the one that got me when I started dating. When you have been married or in an exclusive relationship for a long time, it is all you know. And so you may approach dates as though they are a date night with your spouse. Not because you intend to move too quickly, but because commitment is what is known and comfortable.

Like anything, dating takes practice. Refrain from seeing only one person if you’re afraid you’ll slip back into commitment like a pair of fuzzy slippers. Learn to navigate through those early “getting to know you” weeks and months before you think about what comes next.

Continue to read the rest.

 

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Ten Easy Communication Hacks For Your Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Scan any list about the most important elements of a happy marriage and effective communication will be somewhere between “shared values” and “physical intimacy.” Its ubiquitous inclusion is not because relationship writers are lazy. It’s because communication truly is key in any relationship. Especially one where you face each other every day prior to morning coffee, tackle everything from kitchen remodels to retirement plans and expose your greatest vulnerabilities and dreams.

The reason that communication can become a point of contention in a relationship is that while talking is easy,

Listening is hard.

And taking responsibility for our own emotions and responses is harder still.

But that doesn’t mean that everything to do with improving your communication has to be hard. Here are ten easy hacks to start improving the communication in your marriage beginning today:

Use Figurative Language

Feeling misunderstood is extremely frustrating. And it’s easy to get caught up in blaming your partner for refusing to listen. But maybe they’re listening and simply not relating. Not because they don’t want to. But because they don’t have anything to latch on to.

So instead of getting irritated, try getting creative. Reach back in your mental archives and pull up those metaphors and similes from your school days. Instead of explaining what it is, try painting a picture of what it’s like. You’re not trying to replicate every detail or match every trait. You’re just working to establish an anchor point for understanding. You can fill in the gaps later.

Follow the Percent Rule

I am a huge fan of the 80/20 rule – do the “right” thing 80% of the time and cut yourself some slack the other 20% of the time. Although this is most often applied to nutrition, it works with communication as well.

Share 80% of the positive thoughts you have about your partner or your relationship. (Yes, it would be nice to aim for 100%, but life, you know? So strive for 80%.) This means every time you admire your partner’s butt as he or she walks away, each time you notice that the garbage has been taken out and whenever you see him or her tackle something with ease, you speak up. Or write a note. Or send a text.

And the 20%? Share only 20% of your negative thoughts. This means you may have to choose them wisely. Don’t waste those words on a gripe about the scattered socks unless that’s really something that you to express and you want addressed. These words should be reserved for problems that can be solved together, not complaints for the sake of grumbling.

Pay Attention to Physical Comfort

One of the worst grades I ever made on a college exam was on a chemistry test that was administered in a frigid room while I sat on a cold, unforgiving metal stool. My body was in such discomfort that my mind wasn’t operating anywhere near its best.

Conversations operate the same way. There’s a hierarchy of needs and a full stomach, a rested body and an acceptable environment come before listening and responding effectively.

So by all means, go to bed angry if you need to. Staying up and staying engaged in the discussion will only backfire.

Ask More Questions

Do you find yourself responding defensively or getting angry after a statement by your partner? The instinct is to respond with a sledgehammer, shutting down that line of discussion completely and utterly.

Instead of smashing the claim (and you partner) into smithereens, try increasing the amount of questions that you’re asking. This strategy has a two-pronged benefit – it helps give you added information to aid in your understanding and it validates to your partner that you’re listening to them.

Use a Candle

Do you or your spouse have trouble initiating difficult or complex conversations? Try this simple idea.

Tell Stories of Your Shared Past

One of the ways that researchers are able to predict divorce in a couple is the relationship origination story that they tell. Happy couple tell happy stories, making light of or brushing over any rough patches on the way to the alter. Do they tell happy stories because they are happy or does the mere retelling of a happy story cultivate additional happiness?

I would wager it goes both ways.

Make a habit of telling favorable tales about your shared relationship history. You’re making deposits in the marital bank and reinforcing your bond.

Write It Out Before Talking It Out

Have you ever uttered, “You make me feel…?” No shame. I’m guilty too. We say that because it’s easy, skimming the surface – you did this, I felt this – instead of digging deeper – you did this, it reminded me of that, and I felt this.

One of the biggest things you owe your spouse is to take responsibility for your own stuff. And that starts by being aware of your stuff. The connections between your present and the luggage you brought with you from your past.

So talk to your journal before you talk to your partner.

Because writing your thoughts is a great way for you to see those connections between what was done and how you feel. Because nobody else can make you feel a certain way.

Engage In a Shared Task

The body tells our minds how to feel. If you clench your fists, you will respond more aggressively in conversation. If you roll your shoulders back, you not only appear more confident, you speak more confidently.

So when you want to communicate to establish a connection, begin with a physical association through a shared activity. This doesn’t need to be complicated – washing the dishes, taking a walk, shopping for groceries all count as joint tasks.

Just another reminder that you’re in this thing together.

Use Texting Wisely

In a marriage, texting should only have two uses: 1) Planning or 2) Play.

Logistics comprise a significant portion of any relationship. And texting is a great way to work out the details of shared lives in real time.

But a marriage that only shares plans isn’t much of a marriage.

And phones are great for sharing more than just reminders and schedules.

Flirt. Seduce. Banter. Joke. Play.

And ban anything negative or complicated from your texting vocabulary. Some things are better addressed in person.

And the number one hack you can utilize to improve your communication?

Release Expectations

So often the reason that a conversation heads south is that we react to what we expect to hear instead of what is said. We construct a response before we even hear our partner out.

In other words, the battle is really within ourselves.

The single most important change you can make in your communication is to approach with curiosity instead of conclusions.

Listen.

And you just might learn something new about your partner.

Or even yourself.

9 Reasons You’re Struggling to Find Love Again

Posted on by stilllearning2b
love struggling

Are you struggling to find love again after divorce?

 

“I’m never going to find anybody else.”

“I’m doomed to die an old cat lady.”

“Nobody else is ever going to love me like he/she did.”

“My ex was the one. And now he/she is gone and I’m alone.”

I hear it all the time. Variations on a theme. A composition of loneliness and longing that often settles into bitterness and resolve.

After divorce or a break up, most people enter a phase of chosen singlehood. It is a period to regain sanity, re-establish self and start the steps into a new life. If kids are in the picture, this swearing-off of partnership may last until the children are grown and gone.

Yet at some point, most people decide (or, even if it is not a conscious choice, start to respond to a pull towards) to enter a new relationship. To entertain the thought of dating and be open to the idea of love.

Some people are happy and fulfilled single and make a thoughtful decision to stay solo. This is not for them.

This is for those that want love but cannot seem to find it.

Those who sign up for online dating and never seem to get past the first coffee date. Those who think they found somebody only for the nascent relationship to spectacularly explode before its first anniversary. Those who only seem to attract the broken or seem to always end up with the sh*tty people. Those that are tired of watching everybody else pair off while they’re afraid they will never again be picked.

 

 

If you want love,

you want a partner

but you feel like giving up,

This is for you.

You’re Scared of Being Vulnerable

Relationships are hard. Damned hard. And anyone who tells you differently is selling something. After experiencing the anguish at the end of a relationship, it is so tempting (and so easy) to keep others at an arm’s distance. But that never works; love is all or none. If you have walls built around your heart (even if you didn’t intentionally construct them), you are keeping love away.

In order to love, you have to be willing to accept the very real risk of loss of love. Personally, I think trade-off is well worth it (even when I’m feeling overly vulnerable), but you will have to decide for yourself if and when it’s worth it in your own life.

 

You’re Looking to Fill Your Ex’s Shoes

When something or someone slides into our pasts, it can be easy to look back with rose-tinted glasses. Smoothing over the rough spots and settling on the good. Additionally, when we are with someone for a period of time, we grow accustomed to their particular strengths and can easily take them for granted and assume they are universal traits.

This can combine to creating an ex-shaped hole in your life that you are looking to fill exactly by seeking a doppelgänger. Perhaps you might find someone that seems to fit the gap, but then you discover some characteristic that causes discord in your assumptions. Or, you find that potential partners sense that they are replacements and they leave in search of somebody who wants them as they are.

A new relationship will never be the same as your former one. It will be different. And be open to the idea that different can be better. It means that you will have to accept the lack of some things you used to take for granted and it means you will be surprised by new benefits you didn’t have before.

And most importantly, it means that you have to take responsibility for filling that ex-shaped hole before you go looking for love. Be a partner to love. Not a cavity to fill.

 

You’re Seeking Perfection

Sometimes when a relationship ends, we assign its failure to its imperfection. And so we seek the ideal. The guaranteed. This time, we want the real thing. The soul mate and the fairy tale. Because if we can just find the perfect person, it will all work out.

And there is truth in some of that. At its most basic, your marriage did fail because of imperfection. Not just with the situation. And not just with your spouse. But also with you. Because nothing and no one is flawless and faultless.

Real love, lasting love, doesn’t begin with perfection. It begins with the acceptance (and open discussion) of imperfection. Perfection assumes you say, “I do” and then you’re done. You just sit back for the ride. Acceptance of the idea that we are all always learning creates the foundation for a growth mindset marriage. Not perfect, but fulfilling.

 

Your Actions Don’t Align With Your Intentions

It’s easy to say you want love. It’s easy to complain about the quality of the people on dating sites or the lack of options in your environment. Words take little energy. Wishes even less.

Love doesn’t come to the lazy. Especially love after loss.

If you want a relationship, ensure that your actions match your intentions. Get out and meet people. Lead with curiosity rather than judgement. Say “yes” to experiences and opportunities.

If you want a relationship, don’t act like you’re on the prowl. Act with integrity. Be trustworthy. Show that you can be committed. Don’t claim you want stability while you’re refusing to stand still. And most importantly, be the person you hope to attract.

 

You Are Sending Out Warning Signals

We are often unaware at the subtle signals that we are constantly receiving from others and sending out to those around us. And even those these signals are often subtle and below conscious awareness, they are powerful.

Do you keep attracting broken people that seem to need fixing or parenting? Perhaps you’re unwittingly sending out the message that you need to be needed in order to feel okay about yourself.

Do you keep attracting control-freaks that at first want to “save” you only to later try to dictate your life? Maybe your damsel-in-distress call has been heard by someone that needs to feel powerful.

Do you continually have people abandon you? Is it possible that you come across as too clingy, your intense neediness inadvertently pushing others away?

It’s hard to see these signals head-on; it’s often easier to spot them in the patterns of our relationships. If you always seem to end up in the same position, look to your own insecurities to learn why.

 

You’re Looking For Too Much Too Soon

When you’ve been married or in a long-term relationship, you acclimate to the intimacy of a well-known person. You become comfortable. Safe. And it’s easy to except to find that same feeling again.

But that’s impossible.

Because relationships are formed, not found.

It takes time and effort to develop a partnership. Instead of looking for insta-intimacy (which is usually just lust and/or desperation), look for someone that has the raw materials that you want that you believe you can build a relationship with.

 

You’re Still Anchored to the Past

It’s easy to be so done with the past that you try to move on too soon. There is a reason that the saying, “The best way to get over a man is to get under another” exists. There is nothing wrong with post-divorce flings, but don’t confuse them with love.

When you’re still enmeshed in your past, either situationally or emotionally, you are not creating the space or providing the nourishment for a new relationship.

Maybe you just need time. Or maybe you need some help.

But you have to let go before you can move on.

 

You Are Not Happy With Yourself

This is especially common with people who have been subjected to abuse, abandonment or infidelity. It is so easy to internalize your partner’s actions. To take them personally. To assume that unloving actions and words were directed at you because you are somehow flawed. Unlovable.

And when you believe that, others will begin to believe it as well.

Finding love with and for another has to begin with finding love for yourself. With forgiving your own mistakes and seeing your own beauty.

And the first step is realizing that when somebody treats you poorly, they are telling you more about their character than about your worth.

 

You Tell Yourself, “I’m Never Going to Find Love Again”

When you prime the pump for failure, don’t be surprised when you fail. Yes, learning to be open and vulnerable again is hard. Yes, finding somebody that meets your needs and puts up with your flaws is hard. Yes, relationships are harder when we are older have have more complications in our lives. And yes, getting a relationship past the early dates and into love is hard.

And hard doesn’t mean impossible.

Never say never.