8 Reasons Relationships Move Too Fast (And Why You Should Slow It Down)

It’s so easy to get carried away when you first meet somebody you’re attracted to. The oxytocin is flowing, the possibilities seem endless and you’ve yet to learn how annoying they can be on a long car ride. And sometimes that early intensity moves quickly into exclusivity, commitment and even cohabitation well before you even know much about your partner’s inner workings.

The following are 8 common reasons why relationships move too fast:

Fear of Being Alone

I see this fear in ever-increasing numbers in my friends as we all move towards middle age and beyond. It often seems as though it is better to have somebody than nobody, and so a new love interest is quickly catapulted into the role of “life partner.” Some people are aware of being motivated by a fear of being alone, while others are not conscious of the reasons behind their drive to be coupled.

It can be isolating when you’re not in a primary relationship and the fear that you will always be alone can solidify into conviction, prompting a ride on the fast track into partnership. But, as you may have experienced, the wrong relationship can be far, far worse than no relationship and there is no greater loneliness than that of feeling alone in a relationship.

Afraid of Losing “The One”

A belief in a soulmate, a perfect-fit partner, can create a desire to grasp onto someone out of a fear of missing out on “the one.” Maybe you’re afraid if you don’t commit soon, they’ll walk away. Or maybe they even presented you with an ultimatum. Regardless, the belief in a soulmate can create a sense of urgency, much like a one-day-sale at a department store encourages you to pull the trigger on a purchase.

I don’t believe in soulmates. There are many people that can be a good fit for you. And “the one” is part found (similar values, right timing, etc.) and part grown (developing intimacy, communication, history). That second part cannot be rushed. Or if it is, you may find later that the relationship is only partially developed.

Confusing Hormones for Love

There’s a reason the beginning of a relationship is so exciting – you’re literally high. Stoned on oxytocin, your body telling you to bond and bond fast. And it’s easy to listen to that siren song of lust, spending every waking moment you can with your new obsession and running into a relationship.

Oxytocin is powerful. But it’s also blinding. Would make a major life decision while you’re drunk? Because if you’re pledging yourself to another while still under the effects of those early hormones, that’s exactly what you’re doing.

Only Know How to be Committed

This was the one that got me when I started dating. When you have been married or in an exclusive relationship for a long time, it is all you know. And so you may approach dates as though they are a date night with your spouse. Not because you intend to move too quickly, but because commitment is what is known and comfortable.

Like anything, dating takes practice. Refrain from seeing only one person if you’re afraid you’ll slip back into commitment like a pair of fuzzy slippers. Learn to navigate through those early “getting to know you” weeks and months before you think about what comes next.

Continue to read the rest.

 

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14 thoughts on “8 Reasons Relationships Move Too Fast (And Why You Should Slow It Down)

  1. What a great post! I may just re-blog! Everything said here is so true and ought to be hung on our refrigerators for future reference. Too bad that oxytocin can sometimes get in the way! πŸ˜‰

  2. I don’t want to act like some pillar of restraint, because some of my lack of dating has more to do with not being bombarded with interest like some of the women I’ve met have been, however…

    It continues to blow me away the stories I hear (or women I meet who are less than a year out of their marriages) and they will have had a relationship or two. They’ll actually characterize it that way.

    Not just some dude they kinda-sorta dated. Like, a RELATIONSHIP.

    That seems insane to me.

    I’m not suggesting it’s impossible. I can’t possibly know. Maybe that works sometimes. But over and over again, I’m meeting people who seem eager to jump into something in what seems like too little healing time on the other side of their marriage or serious relationship, OR someone who has already been in and out of a relationship or two during what also seems like too small a window.

    Clearly, I don’t have all the answers. But every time I meet someone with that story, I don’t want to date them anymore.

    Seems like a message people need to hear.

    Hope you’re fantastic, Lisa.

    Things are well here in Ohio. Minus the impending winter. πŸ™‚

  3. Thank you so much for this! All your articles are right on.
    I’ve been married and took a very long break of dating. Now I’m back in the ‘game’, and the lonely time I took helps so much, because I learned who I am on my own, my responses to stress. I now want to make sure that I communicate when I withdraw to my potential partner, and that I don’t rush. “This” I didn’t do before, and I hope that doing something different will bring me different results πŸ™‚
    Thanks again for this nuggets of wisdom!

  4. Very insightful article. I did this 3 years ago. Divorced a few years I met a guy on line. I rushed our first meeting. We spent one night together and the next morning we decided to be a couple. Looking back I see we were both crazy. At one month I said I love you and so did he. At 5 months we were planning on getting engaged and we told the kids. Then sanity hit me. I broke up with him and I felt like I could breathe again. I didn’t love him. He was just a good guy who made things easy. Now I’m just starting to date and doing it differently. It’s uncomfortable and it feels weird, but it also feels healthy and empowering.

  5. ….where do I begin ?
    29yrs of marriage , one everyone envied?
    I never quite understood that , I thought most marriages were wonderful, lucky , not perfect but happy β™‘
    3 incredible sons, happy n well adjusted, good students , amazing athletes , so much to be proud of n grateful for β™‘
    ….n then he hit 50 😦
    I’m a hairdresser, 35 yrs , I have heard it all , I promise you !
    …truth be told, we never had a bad day together ?
    Compatible, I guess …His strengths were my weaknesses. My strengths , his not so much .
    We were a well oiled machine πŸ™‚
    We laughed , talked n loved ….traveled n deeply connected ….until we weren’t…..
    Only I never knew the day that ended?
    Commuting for work….you got a txt n I got an email ?
    I read a ” story ” of our entire life rewritten ?
    Ending with…i have no plans to return?
    He forgot to include….i wiped out every dime n his 401 k ….???
    I have no words? I couldn’t breathe , I couldn’t process?
    Deer in the headlights …he left n I died in that moment ….i knew I would never be the same , ever ….n 10 years later I’m here to say , I did cease to exist as that person ….i was forever changed …
    My youngest 20 yrs old cane bursting through door , spring break from college, my other two followed , yelling up the stairs ” Mom we’re HOME”….i was still staring at the email ? In THAT moment , I knew what I had to do….
    I had to make dinner ….3 starving ” men” πŸ˜‰ it’s what I do , make dinner…
    After dinner, I read them the email …
    3 grown men sobbed , were shocked n after he confirmed it to them via email…
    My youngest 20 said ….” He may have left , but he didn’t take THE play book …
    We will all be fine…remember Mom, it’s not about the LAST play, it’s all about the NEXT play;) ”
    ” The field has changed, N mom you HAVE to read the field n adjust your play!”
    My life, their lives from that day forward were never the same ?
    I worried they would fall apart as I was falling apart?
    My oldest spoke up..
    “Mom WE KNOW WHO WE ARE ”
    Obviously, Dad has no idea who he is right now ?
    The day after our divorce , he married a girl my son’s age ….
    It was like death …HE was gone n still is , time has shown ….He didn’t leave me or them ?
    He left himself …..
    We are all happy n healthy, they got married , soon first grandchild β™‘
    Cognitive dissonance…..
    It kept me stuck……until I believed the facts not the memories …
    Cognitive dissonance….changed the memories so he could justify .
    He has to stay away ….removed
    So he can believe……
    I got better by caring for those who cared for me ….n caring for myself
    Reading the field n facts n believing in what was real…..

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