We Are the Sum of Our Experiences

Posted on by stilllearning2b

As I mentioned recently, I’m in the early stages of making a major change in my life. This early stage of not-knowing is uncomfortable and so my inclination is to quickly make a decision so that I can disguise my anxiety about the uncertainty as busyness towards the goal.

To help fight that tendency, I’m setting goals for each of the next few months that force me to stay in this open-and-curious and also scared-shitless stage. My goal for January (which I actually started a few weeks ago) was to listen – to myself and to others.

And it’s been eye-opening. First, I’ve had to be very careful with myself as my discomfort with not-knowing has made me prone to all-too-quickly agreeing with the confident wisdom contributed by others.

Secondly, I’ve had to become very cognizant of the filters that the offered wisdom has percolated through before it has reached my eyes or ears.

When it comes to life, we are what we have experienced. This results in the following truisms that become important when we relate to other people:

 

  1. Other people’s experiences do not mirror your own.

  2. Everybody responds from their own experiences.

  3. Somebody else’s experience does not invalidate your own.

Other people’s experiences do not mirror your own.

At some point, all of us have sat through a 6th grade math class. Yet, if I asked each of you to reflect on that class, what it made you feel like and what role it has played in your life, I would receive thousands of different responses.

Were you confident in math or was it a subject that always made you feel like you were lacking? Or, did you excel in elementary school and started to have doubts about your ability creep in during 6th grade? Was your teacher encouraging or a bully? Were you at a new school or surrounded by lifelong friends? Was school a respite from a horrible home life or a place that filled you with dread?

 

Everybody responds from their own experiences.

Think about how that experience will shape your mindset as you prepare to meet your own child’s 6th grade math teacher. Even though your kid may be very different than you were at that age, your experiences are going to impact what advice and feedback you deliver to them. Some of that advice may me pertinent to your child and the situation at hand, and other suggestions may be misinformed because they are a response to your experiences, not your child’s. Yet no matter how much you try to relate to your child only from the present, you cannot erase your own experience. In a very real way, it’s what you know.

 

Somebody else’s experience does not invalidate your own.

Even in a school reunion, where everybody is reflecting on the same teacher and the same class, each person will remember something slightly different. One may recall the taunting afternoon sunlight that always distracted them from the instruction while another student, who sat out of view of the window, has no recollection of the time of day the class was held. One may recount the joy of being challenged by the Problem Of the Week while another remembers those same problems as a source of anxiety and dis-inspiration. Just as one former student shouts out, “She was the best teacher ever!” another announces, “That teacher made me think I was stupid.”

And all of those experiences are simultaneously correct. Just because one student hated the class, does not mean that the teacher was ineffective. That class may have been a turning point for one student and a completely forgettable class for another. One person’s experience has no bearing on another’s.

 

Experiences depend upon two characteristics: perspective and connections.

 

Perspective

Even when we share an experience with others, we all have our own perspective of the event. The perspective is formed based on our relationship to the experience.

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Connections

No experience exists in isolation. We are not blank slates; we come into every experience with our past – even our distant past – setting up certain expectations. Whatever is occurring concurrent with the experience will inevitably alter its greater meaning. Even what happens after can change an experience as you re-evaluate in light of new information.

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So what does this mean?

  • Don’t expect that other people are experiencing the same thing you are even if the external situation is the same.

 

  • Avoid assuming that your experience is identical to theirs and expecting that what worked for you will automatically work for them. We all have different perspectives and assign different meaning to experiences.

 

  • When you feel misunderstood, take a moment and remember that they are responding from their experience. It’s not a matter of them not wanting to understand you; it’s a matter of a different frame of reference.

 

  • Listening is perhaps the biggest gift we can give another.

 

  • Empathy is important in relating to others, yet it also has its limitations. We can imagine what something is like, but it’s important to know that the imagined is not the same as the reality.

 

  • We tend to feel defensive when we feel like somebody’s experience is threatening our own. Remember that both experiences can be true at the same time.

 

  • Be careful with the stories you tell yourself around your experiences. Going back to the 6th grade math class, a student that struggled could hold on to the belief that they’re dumb and bad at math or they could choose to see that as an assumption to be challenged and work to prove it wrong.

 

  • We learn from others, even – maybe especially – when their experiences are different than our own.

Why It’s Important to Listen to Those You Disagree With

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My morning newsfeed consists of selected story types from selected publications. I then listen to one of my chosen radio stations in my car on my way to work and, if I don’t like what they’re saying, I have the option to switch to a prerecorded podcast on the topic (and perspective) of my choosing. If I decide I want more information about a breaking story, I can select the channel or website I visit to learn more, giving priority to those that align with my view. On Facebook and Twitter, I can elect to block messages from people whose perspective varies too much from my own or to simply select friends with common viewpoints.

The current media environment is in many ways wonderful. You no longer need a journalism degree or a famous last name to have your voice heard. The interactive nature allows for dialog and discussion instead of a one-way torrent of information. And the broad nature of information gathering prevents only one perspective from being gathered.

However, there is a downside to modern media. Because we have so much choice, we tend to choose voices that agree with what we have already decided to be true. And although it feels good to be validated, there is true value in listening to those you disagree with.

We develop empathy not from occupying on our shoes, but from trying on the shoes of others. When you essentially hear your own story being told time and time again, you fail to see things from another perspective. To try on another viewpoint. It’s easy to say something or somebody is “wrong” when viewed from a distant and macro perspective, but once a human face and story has been associated with it, you begin to feel more empathy for their situation, even if you still do not agree.

We develop our own ethics and beliefs not in isolation, but by considering all sides of a thing. It’s easy to conclude that a cube is green if you only view one side. Yet, once you see all sides and their hues, you then have to provide a convincing argument if you want to claim that the cube is green. Listening to opposition takes courage; you find your own ideas threatened. Yet, whatever conclusion you reach will be better and more solid for the discourse.

Listening to one side promotes “us vs them” thinking along arbitrary lines. It’s natural to classify something unfamiliar as a threat; we have evolved to see danger in strangeness. However, when we limit our surrounding only to what is comfortable, we risk viewing people as “them” when the reality is that they are really on the same side of a bigger issue, just maybe seeing it a different way. When we invite them to talk and we open ourselves to listen, we often discover similarities and realize that it’s more, “us vs something else.”

Minds are like a muscle, if we don’t use them, they become weak and inflexible. Listening to something you agree with does not challenge your brain whereas, trying to process and assimilate new information asks your brain to step it up. Look at it as the difference between practicing addition and learning to perform calculus. It’s easier to stay closed, but more rewarding to do the work to create an opening and questioning mind.

When you engage respectfully with people you disagree with, you learn to regulate your emotional response. I’m all for sensitivity, but I’m also for personal responsibility. It’s your job to learn to hear things you may find offensive or short-sighted and keep your emotional response in check. I’m not saying you can’t disagree, but I’m also saying you can’t expect others to tiptoe around your beliefs.

Listening to other viewpoints keeps your ego in check. You’re not right about everything. Nobody is. Yet if you live in an echo chamber of beliefs, you can start to believe that your perspective is somehow the “right” one and the other people are simply idiots for feeling the way they do. Be brave enough to question and even revise your own conclusions.

When you listen to people who disagree with you, you begin to develop an appreciation for our differences and you gain tolerance for those who have different beliefs. Even though I don’t understand how some people think, I’m glad we don’t all think the same. The world and our place in it is much richer for our differences.

My challenge for you today – listen to one station or podcast, watch one show or read one article that comes from a perspective different than your own. Rather than approach from a mindset of proving yourself right, undertake the exercise with a curious mind – “What can I learn today by listening to somebody who doesn’t agree with me?”

Past Perspectives

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My husband recently had someone from his past get in touch with him after 20 years. The results have been interesting. It’s made my husband reflect back upon a time in his life where he normally doesn’t trek along memory lane. I’ve enjoyed listening to the stories of the experiences that helped to turn the Brock of then into the Brock I know.

With my ex, I knew those formative experiences. Hell, I was there for many of them. With Brock, I only know what he tells me. And, as we all do, the stories are filtered through the lens of now. Current knowledge and position making sense of the past.

But sometimes those memories are called into question.

From his perspective, that was a time when he was still young and stupid. He possessed big goals and was starting to make the first steps into making them happen, but was still full of more questions than certainty. And many of the tales I’ve heard certainly back that up:)

But the person who contacted him saw him differently – a man who was confident. A leader. Someone who would be successful.

And it’s interesting to watch Brock assimilate that perspective into the one that he has of himself at that age.

It’s so true that we form narratives of ourselves. We craft our stories from within our own minds, perhaps more aware of the fears and the doubts rather than the actions that others witness. Often, others see the strength in us when we focus on our weakness.

What we perceive and what comes through to the outside world can vary greatly. It’s not unlike the shifting view of the world when closing one eye at a time. And the truest picture of ourselves comes when we see with both eyes, our own and those around us.

 

Three Way Conversation

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Do you remember three way calling? Where you pushed a button after connecting with one person to allow you to dial out to a third?

Three way calling dominated my middle school years. I spent countless hours curled in the corner of my waterbed atop my zebra-striped comforter (hey now, it was the early 90s!) with my ear pressed to my corded phone (I didn’t have a cordless model for a few more years). Much of time, one of two of my two closest friends were on the other line. We could spend hours talking about everything and nothing. But mostly, the talk centered around boys. Hmmm…would they be classified as everything or nothing?

The legendary zebra bed and my infamous chubby cheeks of childhood:)
The legendary zebra bed and my infamous chubby cheeks of childhood:)

And then the topic of a three way call would come up. Who should we call? Is there anything we need to discuss before they are on the phone? Any bit on intel to which they are not privy? It was so deliberate, that addition of a third to the conversation. The new voice could entirely change the tone or course of an exchange. New topics may be broached or old ones discarded due to their proclivities and knowledge.

It was always a balancing act, those three way conversations. Especially with middle school girls involved. We usually had alliances; the affections were not spread equally between the three. It was always a dance between inclusion and exclusion, always wondering your place in the mix.

Three way conversations have again appeared in my life. Not via phone (do iPhones even have that capability or has it gone the way of the floppy disk?) but in my relationship.

I am acutely aware that every conversation between Brock and I also includes our pasts, the ghosts from before dialing in to voice their feelings and opinions.

Now obviously every conversation between two people pulls from their respective pasts. It’s impossible for two adults of any age to speak without their pasts whispering their ears. Our experiences shape or beliefs and our perceptions. We filter the world through this netting woven from days gone by.

With my ex, I was not as aware of the past. We were together from such a young age, perhaps I assumed my past was his past.

But that’s not accurate. Even though we lived parallel lives for many years, we had different perspectives born from our childhoods. I neglected to listen to the specters whispering of the trauma caused by his alcoholic family and I didn’t pay attention to my fear of abandonment on the other line. I acted as though we were in on a private conversation when, in reality, it was a three way conversation with our pasts.

I’ve returned to the state of my youth. I am more deliberate about those three way conversations. I listen to the voice that is speaking – past or present – and try to respond appropriately. It’s easier now to tease out the utterances of former lives, as we each bring years of unshared experiences to the table. I am more aware of their effect on our views and responses, the latter of which are often anchored more in yesterday than today. We cannot hang up on our pasts; we must learn how to engage them in the conversation.

The zebra-topped water bed has long since been retired and I no longer have a corded phone. However, the three way conversations continue. Only now we don’t spend hours giggling about boys.

To those impacted by Boston: Marathoners train to endure pain. But there is no training that can prepare you for this kind of torment. My heart goes out to the runners, their supporters and the thousands of people who are taking care of the affected.

Attitude

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’m often complemented on my positive attitude about everything that happened to me.

It hasn’t always been that way.

I was angry. Furious that the person I trusted most in this world betrayed me in the most horrific ways, causing me to lose everything I held sacred. I cursed him. I dreamed violent dreams. I wanted to cause him pain. I lived in a perpetual state of fury with all flames directed at him.

I was bitter. Resentful that I made choices about my schooling and career based on him and then he abandoned me. I focused on the unfairness of the sacrifices I had made for the marriage and for him that he spit upon with his actions.

I was jealous. Envious of others whose spouses stayed faithful or at least stayed around long enough to talk. I compared my situation to others’ and bemoaned my particular tale.

I was ashamed. Embarrassed that his deceptions went on for years and I did not see them.  I questioned myself endlessly and doubted myself constantly.

I was victimized. I saw myself as hapless prey caught in his crosshairs. I focused on what was done to me, keeping myself at the center of his choices.

My attitude couldn’t do anything to change the past. Being angry wouldn’t make him apologize. Being bitter wouldn’t open up new careers. Being jealous wouldn’t make my ex suddenly faithful and honest. Being ashamed wouldn’t make me pick up on the lies any earlier. And being a victim wouldn’t help me learn how to thrive.

I had no control over the past. No way to change what happened. But I could change how I responded to it.

So, slowly, ever so slowly, I did.

I let go of the negativity that was still holding me hostage. It was not an easy road. It took hundreds of miles running on the trails and hundreds of hours on the yoga mat. It took writing a book and writing a blog. It took therapy and friends. It took a new dog and a new love. And, most importantly, it took time.

The truth is that I still feel those negative emotions towards him and what happened. Some days more than others. The difference is that now I don’t allow them to move in. They visit and go on, leaving room for laughter again.

Look at all that teenage attitude!
Look at all that teenage attitude!

It never ceases to amaze me how much of a difference attitude can make. I recently found myself complaining about my Sunday chore of cooking for the week. I was feeling bogged down and tired of the weekly planning, shopping and cooking that takes up a sizable portion of my weekend. I realized that I was viewing this as part of my work week; I was allowing it to steal several hours of my weekend. Then, I decided that was not okay.

I can’t change my need to cook. It is a necessity for my health, my job schedule and my budget.

So I changed my attitude. For the last few weeks, I have approached my weekly cooking task as though I was making preparations for a dinner party. It makes menu planning more interesting and keeps me in a good place while shopping. As for the cooking? Well, that’s now the best part. I first take some time to prepare some veggies, cracker and hummus and arrange them on a plate where I can nibble while I work. Then, I crank up the tunes – they vary according to the mood of the day and can run from bagpipes to death metal. Finally, I pour a glass of Cabernet to sip on while I chop up the endless pile of veggies.

Sunday cooking has gone from a chore to something I actually look forward to.

And all because I changed my attitude.