Why I’m Not Anti-Divorce (Even Though I Hate It)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Divorce was the last thing I ever wanted in my first marriage.

Yet, in hindsight, I wish that my husband had asked for a divorce.

Because a divorce would have far easier – and more honest –  than what transpired.

 

If he had asked for a divorce, I would have been gutted. There is no easy way to accept the end of a relationship when it’s not what you want. It’s natural to beg, to cry, to rage in attempt to change the outcome, to somehow MAKE them want to stay.

But that one-sided attempt never really works.

If they want out, if their mind is made up and they are not willing or able to make an effort at repair, it’s often best to let them go.

 

From my perspective now, I would rather face divorce than have a partner who is only with me out of a sense of obligation or guilt. I want to be with somebody that chooses me every day (especially on the hard days when we don’t especially connect). Anything else only leads to resentment.

I would rather face divorce than have an unhappy partner that is using affairs to try to fill the void they feel. I would rather be left in plain sight than cheated on behind my back. The pain from betrayal is unparalleled.

I would rather face a divorce sooner than abandonment down the road when the pretense becomes too much for my partner to uphold. They both result in a feeling of rejection, but abandonment makes it much harder to learn how to trust again.

I would rather face divorce than be with someone who was married in name only, who refused to be emotionally present. I would rather be alone than feel miles apart from the person sleeping next to me every night.

I would rather face divorce than be married to someone who keeps up a facade at all times, pretending to be something and someone that they are not. I’d rather have an honest ending than a lie that lasts til death do us part.

 

 

Two things can be true at the same time –

Divorce is awful and can be extremely disruptive and even traumatic, especially for a partner who does not want it or for the children.

AND

Sometimes divorce is the best outcome in a given situation.

If you have to choose between a happy marriage and divorce, it’s obvious which selection is the preferred one. Yet that’s not the option that’s on the table. The decision is between keeping a malfunctioning relationship going either through life-support or a steady drip of denial and an end of that relationship, leaving space for something new.

 

Speaking from personal experience, if you’re facing an unwanted divorce, it’s extremely challenging to accept that your marriage was not as happy as you thought. This is especially true if your spouse actively hid their unhappiness (don’t you just love the, “I haven’t been happy for a long time” being the first indication of a problem???). But even if everything was smooth from your perspective, they may see ragged surfaces and unfilled spaces from their side, and the marriage is the sum of those views.

I wonder now if my own fear of divorce played a role in my ex-husband’s deceptions. If he was too scared of my reaction to bring up the possibility of divorce, so instead he tried to pretend that everything was okay at home while living an entirely different life outside those four walls. Perhaps things would have been easier if we were both more willing to look at things honestly.

 

I am not anti-divorce.

I AM anti-lying to yourself or your partner. A relationship that is not built on honesty will eventually – and painfully – collapse.

I AM anti-cheating. It is never okay to betray your partner’s trust.

I AM anti-abandonment. It is cowardly and immature to slink away without a conversation.

I AM anti-shaming someone for the decision they make. We all have to do what aligns with our goals and values.

Divorce is awful. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy (or even on my ex-husband!). Yet sometimes, for some people, in some situations, it’s the right decision.

 

7 Things You Owe Your Partner (and One Thing You Don’t)

 

Forcing the End: Cheating as an Exit Strategy

Posted on by stilllearning2b

People cheat for a large variety of reasons. In many of those cases, the cheater wants the affair partner(s) and they still want the marriage, a sort of one-sided renegotiation of the wedding vows.

Yet in other cases, what the cheater really wants is out of the marriage and the affair is simply a way of forcing that outcome.

So, why do people use an affair as an exit strategy for a marriage?

 

They Want You to Be the One to End It

Maybe they promised themselves that they would never get divorced. Or, they would feel guilty about breaking up the family while the kids are still young. Sometimes they’re worried about the judgment they’ll face from others if their marriage fails.  But if you’re the one to initiate the divorce, then they can find comfort in their little fiction that this was all on you.

Of course, all of this completely ignores the fact that it was their behavior that led to divorce in the first place. That if it wasn’t for the affair, you never would have filed the papers. But those that cheat are quite skilled at compartmentalization; they can convince themselves that the both the affair and the divorce happened to them instead of because of them.

 

They Lack the Courage to Be Honest With You

These are the people that will drop the bombshell, “I haven’t been happy for a long time” once their hand is forced, yet will never come to you with, “I’ve been feeling disconnected from you recently and I’d like for us to work together on this.” In a perverse way, they are not upfront with you because they don’t want to see you hurt and they don’t want to bear witness to your disappointment.

So instead, they pull away and they turn elsewhere, towards someone that they don’t have to worry about feeling obligated towards. They are running away, from the marriage and also from their discomfort. They believe that if they just stuff their unhappiness deep enough, they can build on top of it.

 

They Are Afraid of Being Alone

They want out. They know they want out. And yet the thought of being alone and unmoored after divorce scares the hell out of them. So, they make sure that they have a safe place – or person – to land on. The affair is a way of avoiding that terrifying leap into the unknown of being single, instead replacing the cliff’s edge with a gentle ramp out of marriage.

 

They Are Not Self-Aware

This is so often the case with those who use cheating to force the end of a marriage. Many times, they are not even consciously aware that they want out, much less cognizant about how the choices they make fit into the bigger picture.

 

In all of these cases, the affair may have been the final straw (or your first indication that something was amiss), but there were problems beneath the surface long before they stepped out. If you’re entering into a new relationship after divorce, make sure to look for someone who has the courage to be honest with you – and themselves – about when they are unhappy. It’s not a guarantee that they will never cheat on you, but it certainly provides some insurance.

 

 

What is a Tsunami Divorce?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

English: Tsunami hazard sign

What is a Tsunami Divorce?

A tsunami divorce is one that completely blindsides a spouse, flattening him or her with a wave that was never spotted.  A tsunami divorce is characterized by a normal marriage and a normal life up until the moment of total and utter destruction.  The spouse that embodies the wave may simply disappear, abandoning their significant other with little to no communication or explanation.  Infidelity, substance abuse, and mental illness can all play a role in a tsunami divorce.  The causes of a tsunami divorce are rooted in the past and far away from the marriage.  These contributing factors lay buried beneath the placid sea of the marriage until they burst forth in a great wall of destruction.

 

What Are the Effects of a Tsunami Divorce?

A tsunami divorce catches the other spouse completely off guard; it is a shock and awe campaign that leaves the survivor stunned and disoriented. One of the more damaging effects of a tsunami divorce is the survivor’s tendency to question him or herself about why no signs were spotted.  Others in their lives may echo this sentiment.  It is difficult to come to terms with the fact that the signs may have been minimal or only visible in the rearview mirror.  The survivor is left devastated by the end of the marriage, confused as to why it occurred, feeling foolish for being “taken,” and angry at the tsunami spouse.

 

How Does a Tsunami Divorce Differ From Other Divorces?

Most divorces have a long, slow decline or a visible, yet rapidly building disintegration.  This leads to a protracted period where one or both partners are wondering if they should stay or go.  There are nights spent feeling alone while one remains in the marital home.  There are difficult discussions and perhaps heated arguments.  One or both partners may be holding on to hope that things will get better or that he/she will change his/her mind.  This is a painful process that can slow or even stall healing.  On the other hand, it also allows time for pre-grieving of the marriage and it gives both partners a voice in the divorce.

In contrast, a tsunami divorce is sudden.  The marriage is often good up until the point it simply doesn’t exist anymore.  There are no painful discussions.  In fact, there are no discussions at all, which can leave the survivor feeling as though their voice has been stolen.  There is no chance to pre-grieve, but the healing process can be easier as the abrupt amputation leaves no room for false hopes and no hesitation in the correct path to follow.

 

What Are Some of the Lessons That Can be Learned by the Survivors of a Tsunami Divorce?

1) Understand that the causes of the tsunami are found in the past and far away. Don’t spend too much time there.
2) Examine your own tsunami warning system.  Did your fears and anxieties cause you to look away from some signs of the impending disaster?
3) Realize that, although your devastation was complete, the flattened earth is a clean slate.
4) Don’t be afraid to rebuild.  Statistically speaking, tsunamis are pretty rare.

 

Struggling to recover after being flattened by your own tsunami? Learn how to surf the overwhelming wave.

 

You can read the entire story of my tsunami divorce in my book Lessons From the End of a Marriage, available on Amazon.

 

 

After the Affair: Unraveling the Excuses

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Once caught, most partners who have been unfaithful begin to make excuses in a rather lame attempt to justify their actions. In fact, these excuses often begin even before the affair is uncovered. These are the same justifications that they often recite to the affair partner, to friends and to themselves (often to the point where they’re weaving an alternate narrative that alleviates the discomfort caused by cognitive dissonance).

All of these excuses that a cheater offers up neglect one basic fact – an affair does not occur in a vacuum.

There are often months or years between the start of the infidelity and the discovery. And during that time, you may not know, but you know. At some level, you are picking up that something isn’t right. You may question, only to receive reassurance, leaving you confused that your observations are being dismissed. You may sense a withdrawal and try to pinpoint its root cause, feeling trapped in a labyrinth of denial.

Much like a cancer before diagnosis, the affair affects you even before you can name it.

And many of the excuses that the cheater offers up are using your response to the unknown affair as justification for their decision to stray. They may be correct in those two things being related, but they have confused the cause and effect.

 

Unraveling the Excuses

 

They say that you’re needy, yet they are the ones that make you insecure.

Sometimes the usual affection lags, leaving you wondering if they’re still attracted to you. Or, it may come in the form of critical comments about appearance or increased comments about someone else’s. Other times, it’s a turning – or even a pulling – away.

When you’re afraid of losing something, grasping is a natural (although ultimately ineffective) response. When we feel a disconnect from our partners, we seek reassurance that everything is okay.

 

They say you’re crazy, yet they are the ones who drove you there.

“I wasn’t texting anyone last night,” they claim, causing you to question what you saw. Gaslighting is a common strategy used by cheaters to cover their tracks. It’s a form of mental abuse that leaves you doubting yourself and questioning everything you see and hear.

When you are living one experience yet being told it’s something else, it causes disorientation not unlike that which occurs with the optical distortions in a funhouse. Of course you’re going to act a little crazy when nothing makes sense.

 

They say you don’t give them enough attention, yet they’re too distracted to notice.

“They made me feel appreciated,” the cheating spouse often whines (frequently following up with the addition of, “I just wanted to be happy.”). They describe how they feel ignored at home. Yet the other side of this equation is that even when they are home, their attention is elsewhere.

This falls into the “grass is greener” misconception. They think it’s better with the affair partner because that is where they are looking. Meanwhile, they could be the centerpiece of your life, but since their head is turned, they are blind to it.

 

They say you’re distant, yet they pushed you away.

Sometimes, they claim that you have been the withdrawn one. Yet they fail to consider the reason for your disconnection. When we’re feeling rejection, one of the common responses is to wall-off, building a protective barrier between yourself and the world in an attempt to avoid feeling the pain.

When there is an ongoing affair, you most likely are not feeling safe in the relationship, even before you can pinpoint the reason. Since your partner isn’t provided you with that sense of security, you seek to create it yourself. By yourself.

 

They say you don’t know them, yet they refuse to open up.

“They know me. I feel seen,” the cheating spouse says of the affair partner. Yet, they fail to recognize that they have been closed off with their spouse (even when begged to explain what is wrong) and transparent with the affair partner.

One of the strange things about marriage is that it can become difficult to be vulnerable with your partner because the stakes are so high. And it can be easier to open up to a relative stranger because there is less to lose. But it’s not fair to get mad an someone for not knowing you if you do not provide them the opportunity.

 

They say you’re snooping and questioning, yet they are the ones hiding things.

They snap at you when you ask where they’ve been when they come home late again. They become angry when you glance over at their phone screen when it lights up. They accuse you of being jealous, of snooping and of being in their business.

Even for those who do not tend towards snooping behavior, an unconfirmed suspicion of an affair can lead to those actions.

 

They say you’re critical, yet they are the ones not holding up their end.

We all only have so much energy. During an affair, that energy is turned away from the marriage. Inevitably, that means that there is neglect of the life and responsibilities within the marriage.

An affair is a selfish act, and those that engage in them are often caught off guard when there are consequences. If they’re acting like an entitled jerk at home, they will face criticism. Probably justified.

 

They say you’re no fun, yet they leave you with all of the responsibilities.

“You’re just no fun anymore,” they whine, thinking of the alternate universe they have with their affair partner that is separate from mortgages and orthodontist appointments.

Life means growing up. It means sometimes setting aside what feels good in the moment for longer term goals. And those that cheat are more likely to be immature and want others to do all the heavy lifting for them.

 

They say you’re angry, yet they make false promises that lead to dashed expectations.

Of course you’re angry. They keep promising to come home on time, to put the phone away, to spend quality time with the family. Yet it never seems to manifest.

As your hopes and expectations are dashed again and again, you grow frustrated. Why can’t they do what they promised? Sometimes, they begin to see you in a disapproving and controlling parental role, keeping them confined. Yet they conveniently forget that they stepped into that life and its responsibilities willingly.

 

They say we’re the bad guy, yet they need us to be the bad guy to justify their choices.

This is what it ultimately comes down to. They want to have the affair. And so they’ll do anything they can to justify their reasons for doing what they want.

They blame their choices on your behaviors. Yet they fail to recognize the impact their choices have on you.

The Nature of Change

Posted on by stilllearning2b

caterpillar-562104_1920

“Why can’t you fly?” the caterpillar’s partner screams at them. The caterpillar is confused. After all, their partner knew they couldn’t fly from the very beginning of the relationship.

“Did you see Kelly’s wings? They’re so strong and beautiful. I wish you had wings like that,” the partner mentions to the caterpillar. The caterpillar curls into itself, feeling ashamed for what it lacks.

“I bought this for you,” the caterpillar’s partner says in a hopeful voice, presenting a self-help book on metamorphosis. “I’ll be sure to read this,” the caterpillar responds, while inwardly grumbling that they have no interest or need in the book.

“I just don’t get it,” the caterpillar’s partner whines to the couple’s therapist. “Everything would be fine with us if they would just get wings.” The caterpillar begins to grow resentful and feel unappreciated.

“I know you want me to fly,” the caterpillar says softly to their partner. “I’m trying. I really am.” The partner responds, “If you loved me, you would fly.” The caterpillar begins to wonder if they do love their partner. Maybe that’s the problem.

In the dark hours of the night, the caterpillar is thinking, “I’m not good enough for them; they don’t love me as I am.” Down the hall, the partner writes in their journal, “I’m not good enough; they won’t change for me.”

One day, the caterpillar makes a difficult decision. “I’m leaving,” they tell their partner. “I’m not what you want me to be and I believe you’ll be happier without me.”

At some point later, the partner comes across a picture of their ex. “Why couldn’t they change for me,” they lament. “I must not be lovable.” All because the caterpillar wasn’t able to change until they were ready.

 

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