Is It Love? 10 Things We Confuse For Love

Posted on by stilllearning2b
is it love

When we feel it, it seems so clear – this must be love! Yet in hindsight, sometimes the glossy coating starts to chip away and we realize that those intense and very real feelings weren’t love, but actually something else.

 

Is it love? Or, is it…

 

Limerence

The year was 1991. Even though my history teacher was delivering important information for the upcoming exam, my mind was focused elsewhere. Or, actually I guess I could say elsewho. Because I was completely obsessed with the boy I had recently started dating. The thoughts and feelings were all-consuming, obsessive even. Based on intensity alone, I just knew that this had to something something special – true love. It was only once the relationship ended a couple months later (as high school romances often do), that I realized how little I actually knew this boy that I had professed to love. What I was actually in love with was the fantasy that I had created within my own mind.

Limerence is basically the rom-com of the romantic realm. It starts with some element of truth and then surrounds it with layer upon layer of sugary-sweet fantasy. It feels like love because of its overwhelming intensity, as our neurotransmitters are played like Chopin on the keys. Yet, because limerence is not strongly rooted in reality, it lacks the vulnerability, sacrifice and authenticity that characterizes mature love.

 

Chemistry (AKA Lust)

I think most of can relate to this experience. You meet someone. Maybe they’re conventially attractive, maybe not. It doesn’t matter. Because when their fingertips brush against you arm, sparks fly. Things are amazing for a time because everything is focused on the physical. And in that realm, you make the perfect pairing. But then something happens that feels like being on a train that has abruptly slammed to a halt. In communication outside of the bedroom, you realize that not only do you not really know this person, you may not even like them all that much.

Biology doesn’t care if we love someone; it simply needs for us to get it on to keep the species on. Lust can be quite powerful and can be a driving force in a relationship for quite some time. However, lust is at its most intense when the experience is new. And new can only last so long. Lust can be a precursor to love, as the relationship transitions and deepens, or it can simply be an enjoyable stopping point along the way.

 

Feeling Wanted

I was mere months out from being suddenly abandoned by my husband of sixteen years. My self-esteem was at rock bottom and the fear of being alone forever vibrated through me with the constant hum of a ceiling fan on a summer night. And then I was approached by a man at the gym. A good-looking man, who expressed interest in me. And, damn, did that feel good on that day. I went out with him, even though my still-shattered heart had absolutely no business dating. I got sucked in, too far and too fast, not because it was love, but because it made me feel like I was lovable.

We all want to feel wanted, chosen. And when we’re in particularly vulnerable spots in our lives, we can end up falling for people not because we want them, but because they want us. This is exactly why the advice is that you have to love yourself first before you can find love. Otherwise, you may find yourself committing to the first person who picks you.

 

Mirroring

is it love

I thought we had the perfect marriage. We never argued. We had the same likes and dislikes. And we even had similar views on pretty much everything.

Too bad none of that was real. 

I wasn’t seeing him; I was seeing a reflection of myself. And it felt good. “He really gets me”, I thought, as his sentiments echoed my own. But that’s not love. After all, you cannot love something that you cannot fully see.

Sometimes mirroring is done by those who are afraid of being alone, as they morph into what we want them to be. Other times, mirroring is more nefarious when it is one of the tools used to lovebomb a partner or prospective partner.

Real love doesn’t ask for two people to blur into one; it allows – and even celebrates – the differences that each person brings to the union.

 

Relief From Discomfort

When is a sip of water most refreshing – when you’re sitting at your desk drinking water throughout the day or after two grueling hours spent mowing the lawn on a hot summer day? When do you think attraction is at its most powerful – when your life is full and happy or when you’re experiencing scarcity or hardship?

Sometimes, it is less about loving the person and more about loving some discomfort they have alleviated for us. Maybe great aunt Sally has finally stopped pestering you now that you’re in a relationship. Or, your financial worries have been replaced with nice dinners out. Your life is better, but it may be more about what the person brings with them and less about who the person is. A quick test to determine the difference – which thought causes you more distress? Losing them, but keeping everything else that has changed in your life once they entered or keeping them, but without the ancillary benefits?

When our lives are in a drought, any romance becomes the best thing on earth. It is only when our lives are already lush than we can truly discern what we truly love.

 

Flattery From Partner

“You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

“I’ve never met anyone like you before.”

“I’ve never felt this way with anyone else.”

In real love, each person helps the other grow and become better. Excess flattery is like a shortcut of this process. Instead of engaging in the messy and difficult worth of growth, it jumps straight to the “you’re the best thing ever!” Of course, that praise comes with a price. You must stay that way in order to keep those feelings flowing.

There is a difference between being adored and being loved. Although they both feel good to receive, only the latter allows you the freedom to be yourself and to grow.

 

Approval From Others

“I like her,” your mom says after meeting your new girlfriend, followed by a list of all your date’s desirable qualities. Immediately, your interest in your partner increases. After all, she got the mom stamp of approval, which is something you’ve sought yourself your whole life.

We care what others think about our romantic choices. We want validation for attracting and selecting a good mate. Sometimes, especially if we are insecure in ourselves, we can put too much emphasis on this external approval and believe that we love someone solely because the others in our life seem to love them.

 

Security

I received a letter from one of my students recently. In it, she detailed how my classroom always made her feel safe. And for most of us, when we think back to the most important people in our childhood, part of what made them so influential was their ability to make us feel protected. And when we’re young and vulnerable, protection is one of the most important signs of love.

Most of us struggle with feelings of uncertainty. We want to know how things are going to unfold. And relationships often bring with them some sense of security. After all, we are more accepting of risk when we have that safety net beneath us.

In a loving partnership, a sense of security is built over time by continually showing up for each other and working to solve problems as a team. The love comes first, and the sense of dependability comes after. If instead that security comes from one side or precedes the teamwork, it is easy to confuse that sense of safety with being loved.

Control

My friend came from an abusive household, where her alcoholic and controlling father ruled the roost. In her first serious relationship, she described her new fiancé as, “Wonderful. He cares so much for me that he won’t let me work. He just wants to take care of me.” Alarm bells went off in my head, but her childhood had taught her that control = love.

This can go the other way as well, as some people confuse a sense of possession as love. If the person is malleable and submissive, that must mean that they truly adore you, right?

The irony here is that for the deepest love, you have to learn to release all control.

 

Narrative Matching

“I’m going to be married by the time I’m 30,” you declared in your youth. So then, with the end of your 20s rapidly approaching, you convince yourself that you love this person so that your life will match the story you’ve been telling yourself.

This is basically like reading a book backwards – you are beginning with the conclusion of love at a certain time or in a certain way and then you’re working backwards to make it happen.

Sometimes this works. After all, look at arranged marriages where the betrothed find a loving and meaningful connection. But if the love cannot be created, there is a human tendency to allow confirmation bias to convince us that our conclusion is correct.

 

We push people away because we are afraid of letting them in and being hurt when they leave.

We grasp on to people that are not good for us because we are afraid of being alone and someone is better than no one.

Pushing and pulling are fear, not love.

Love is holding.

Loosely enough so that each person has the freedom to grow and change.

And firmly enough so that each person knows they are supported.

It is trusting the other person enough that they want to stay even if they have the ability to leave.

And trusting yourself that you will be okay if they do.

 

 

 

 

 

When They Say, “You’ve Changed”

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“You’ve changed,” they say to you.

Feeling like an accusation.

Implying that if you hadn’t transmuted, then things would still be fine.

The first reaction is defensive.

“No I haven’t!” you insist, even while on some level being aware that as a living and adaptable being, you of course have been slowly changing over time.

Or maybe, you go on the attack, “You’re the one who’s changed! You never … anymore!”

Or, “The only reason I … is because you…”

But of course, the real harm in this declaration of change isn’t really the transformation. It’s the implication that you’ve taken a turn for the worse.

But what’s really behind those words? Here are a few possible meanings –

 

You’re Not What They Want You to Be Anymore

Maybe you used to let them walk all over you and you have since developed the confidence and self-awareness to set and enforce boundaries. And so they’re pouting, after being used to getting their way. Or perhaps you used to need them and you have since become more independent. And now they worry that you can be okay without them.

You’ve Grown While They’ve Stagnated

You met when you were young. You had nothing, so there was nothing to lose. But then came family, careers and a mortgage. The responsibilities were higher and so were the stakes. You grew, learning how to handle the stuff that nobody likes to deal with and willingly trading some temporary fun and freedoms for legacy and purpose. Meanwhile, they still act like a college kid living off their parent’s allowance and grumbling that you are not any fun anymore.

 

A Maladaptive Relationship Pattern Has Developed

It doesn’t matter who started it. One of you did something. The other reacted. And this negativity and ineffective methodology keeps being volleyed back and forth. Their reactions influencing yours and your responses driving their behaviors. Over time, this pattern has become a well-worn groove that has shifted the way you interact with each other and with yourself.

 

Life Has Taken You on Different Paths

And sometimes there’s nothing truly wrong. We all change as we move through through life and sometimes those changes simply take us different directions. “You’ve changed” may mean “We’ve changed” and we no longer fit together. Not as a proclamation of wrongdoing or blame, but simply as an admission of fact.

Guest Post: The Best Relationship You’ll Ever Have

Posted on by stilllearning2b

By Adriana Verdad

 

You Should Date Yourself

After failed attempts at dating, and developing feelings for someone who had none for me, I decided I really should try dating myself. Yes, I’d read about it, multiple times, on the internet, in your typical articles geared towards single women. Honestly, at first I thought it sounded super cheesy, and I even had a friend tell me that it was really cheesy, and maybe calling it “dating yourself” is. I’m not going to feed you some crap about how it’s not cheesy at all. It’s wonderfully cheesy. It’s as cheesy as The Notebook, the notion that someday some man will show up to take me on a surprise picnic, or the fact that after all I have been through, I still truly believe in true love. I embrace the cheesy, and I make zero apologies for it.

So, when I first decided to date myself, I thought of what it would look like. I thought of what types of dates I would go on with someone I was dating in the traditional sense: movies, dinners, drinks, coffees, picnics, festivals around town, the art museum, etc. I decided these types of things would work, but I also thought maybe I should see what other ideas were out there, and so yes, I turned to Google and Pinterest. I thought why not think outside the box, so I let others think outside the box for me, at first. I created a whole list on my phone of different types of date ideas, and I will share some of them with you in future posts.

I was more organized about this dating time I carved out for myself at first, clearly marking it down in my daily to do lists as a date with me. I protected this time, and rarely went outside of it, unless of course, a better opportunity came along, like an outing with my girlfriends, or a an actual (very rare) date popped up, or if I had a chance to hookup with someone, but in general these times were sacred to me, and I like that I was so protective of that time at first. It’s when the kids are at their father’s house of course, but I don’t really refer to it as dating myself , although it is. It’s akin to when you’re dating another person, and you settle into such a comfortable routine, that you don’t think so much about it anymore. Like at first, you are so worried about you wear, look like, or what you are going to plan at first, but you slide into a routine, a comfortable routine, with one another. I started to make it less organized, but I still definitely date myself. Now, it’s a Friday night of Netflix, or a Saturday full of reading on my sofa under a big cozy blanket. It might be a Sunday afternoon where I get cute, and take myself to the Art Museum to check out an exhibit I’ve been eyeing, or even my Tuesday night running club, that’s a date with me. I’ve spent a couple hours listening to my favorite music and coloring mandalas. I rarely cancel with myself if I don’t have to. Sometimes, I will go out to a bar, and people watch as I enjoy a couple new beers, or I will stay home and give myself a spa night. The point is, I make it a part of my regular routine. Let’s call it what it really is, self-care.

Just like you would devote time to a relationship that’s important to you, this is how I approach dating myself. The truth is, the relationship we have with ourselves, is far more important than any other. While, I’ll quickly tell you that my children are the most important people in my world, and they are, the reality is that if I don’t take good care of myself, then I’m not at my best to be there for them. This goes for your friendships, your romantic relationships, and even your career too. Dating myself will be something that I will never stop doing until I’m dead.

As I discussed in my last post about how being single has ensured that I will be a better future partner, time and space for yourself, and your partner, are essential to being at your best for one another. So yes, my future partner will have to realize that I need regular time to me. I am more than understanding that they will need time to themselves as well, and I not only highly encourage it, I think that they need it to be at their personal best. I know that when I’m in a relationship, I won’t be able to take a date by myself three times a week, but yes, I will most definitely be taking time out for myself to do things that excite my soul. I think once a week, or every couple weeks, is a good goal if you’re in a relationship, but I am saying that you should make it a priority. It’s called self-care, and it’s so important to helping you be the best lover and friend you can possibly be.

As I’ve said previously, I lost myself in my relationship/marriage, and I forgot who I was. I forgot about the things that brought me joy, put me into a state of flow, like reading and writing. I think that this was incredibly unhealthy for myself, my children, and my marriage. Here’s the deal- your relationship with your kids is significant, and your relationship with your partner will be there, and need to be whole, once the kids have grown up, and moved out, but in the end, you are what you really need. Let’s face it, kids will grow up, and won’t visit as much, spouses pass away, or move on sometimes, but you will always have you as long as you’re alive. While we certainly must give, nourish, and support our children, partners, family, and friends, even our colleagues, we cannot give to everyone else if we are not at our best.

Dating yourself, or if that phrase bothers you, self-care, or just calling it taking time for yourself, is important to keep your cup from overflowing with stress. So, please tell me in the comments below about how you’ve taken time for yourself this past week, or if you didn’t, how you plan to do it this upcoming week. I hope you will take literally one minute to fill in your email address and name below, and follow my blog so you can continue to learn to love the other side of life- whether that’s as a single person, or just loving the other side of your life, as in, the second half of it. Please share this with someone who could use a little encouragement, or validation, in the area of self-care. Thank you!

 

About Adriana Verdad:

I spent over two decades with a narcissistic sociopath, but after leaving him, I have found myself. I’m learning to love life on the other side of marriage, love, and life. I write so that I can help others learn to love the other side as well.

Check out Adriana’a blog, Love the Other Side!

Can People Cheat on Someone They Love?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s quite the mental conundrum – they claim to love you and yet they have been the source of your greatest pain. Does this mean that the love was a lie? Were they merely stringing you along in order to get what they wanted? Or, did they somehow manage to both love you and betray you?

There is no argument that choosing to cheat is both cruel and cowardly, a selfish act that leaves deep and lasting wounds in the ones betrayed. It is never the right choice and once made, it can never be undone.

Yet, one question remains. Can somebody cheat on the one they love? Or, does the act of cheating indicate that love was never present in the relationship?

 

Are love and infidelity mutually exclusive?

 

I don’t believe they are. While cheating highlights many flaws in someone’s character or coping mechanisms, I don’t think that it necessarily indicates that a person is incapable of love.

It’s difficult to accept this when we’re the ones betrayed. After all, the discovery of betrayal is the furthest from an act of loving kindness that we can imagine. Taking it a step further, proclaiming to love someone and continuing to hurt them (even behind their backs), is emotional abuse. So it’s no surprise that many of use reach the conclusion that the entirety of the relationship was a lie.

Yet life – and those of us trying to make through it the best that we can – rarely exist in those absolutes. And sometimes people act in opposition to their feelings for a variety of reasons –

 

Maladaptive Means of Protection

I think in his own twisted way, my husband was trying to protect me. He was depressed. Defeated. Scared and addicted. And I don’t think he wanted to burden me with his mental demons. So he pulled back, pulled the wool over my my eyes as he began to live two lives – one where he had to hide and another where he could play-act at being the man he wanted to be.

Others may be coming to terms with desires that they fear their partners will not accept, and so shame encourages them to stay silent as they believe that the truth would cause distress. “What they don’t know, won’t hurt them,” the cheating spouse says to themselves to excuse their behavior.

This motivator becomes a slippery slope as one lie inevitably leads to another because as the betrayals grow, so does the hurt that would come from its discovery. There is ego in this approach as one person becomes the defacto gatekeeper for the marriage, controlling what truths are revealed. It’s a situation where the perpetrator convinces themselves that they’re acting for the good of their partner, while at the same time, removing agency from their spouse.

 

Cognitive Dissonance

This powerful mental dance of self-preservation is responsible for many poor behaviors in people. On the front end of an affair, cognitive dissonance allows people to make decisions that put themselves in situations that can easily go too far. “I am a good person and so I would never cheat on my spouse,” the soon-to-be-cheater tells themselves as they begin to hide text messages from their partner.

And then as the choices begin to move into more blatant cheating, cognitive dissonance creates a blackout around the source of distress. They try not to think about what they are doing, acting more on instinct and self-preservation than deliberate planning. They simply cannot see what they are doing and hold onto their own self-image at the same time. So they keep their eyes closed.

These are the cheaters that may even act confused when they’re eventually caught. “How did I get here?” they wonder. Cognitive dissonance can also result in the cheater directing the blame outward, pointing fingers at the affair partner that seduced them or the unsuspecting spouse who wasn’t fulfilling their needs in some way.

 

Compartmentalization

These cheaters convince themselves that this thing has nothing to do with that. They see cheating, as long it is kept hidden, as being entirely separate from the marriage and their spouse. In some marriages, this filing system is aboveboard and accepted. But when one person is electing to erect walls that inevitably impact another, it is a betrayal of trust and autonomy.

Sometimes compartmentalization is necessary and healthy. It’s what allows doctors to keep their cool in the emergency room and allows parents to set aside their own distress to tend to that of their children. Yet when compartmentalization occurs in an attempt to avoid discomfort or discovery, it is not an appropriate use of the strategy.

And when it comes to affairs, any belief that that the actions of the cheater have no impact on the marriage or the spouse as long as they are hidden is a complete fabrication. Because whatever you nurture, grows. So when one spouse’s attention is turned outside the marriage, the marriage will ultimately suffer.

 

Rationalization

“The attention I get from my affair partner makes me a better spouse.”

“My spouse doesn’t want sex anyways, so it doesn’t matter if I cheat.”

“I love my spouse, but they wouldn’t accept this side of me. I’m doing what’s best for them.”

All of these beliefs and more can be used to try to justify the cheating. As nonsensical as it seems from the outside, these mental gymnastics can make complete sense to the one choreographing the excuses.

The use of rationalizations indicate a person who is not very self-aware and who is also uncomfortable confronting any hard truths. They are deceiving themselves as well as you.

 

Low Self-Worth

Sometimes an affair is a sign that someone doesn’t love themselves, not that they don’t love you. When self-worth is low, they are going to seek validation and acceptance from wherever they can. Even if that means it’s coming from outside the marriage.

 

On the one hand, it feels good to believe that you were loved (even as you’re reeling from the pain). On the other hand, it’s difficult (if not impossible) to comprehend how somebody could cause so much pain to someone they loved. And so wondering if the love was real becomes simply one more thing in the long list of uncertainties that cheating forces you to accept.

And finally…

Even if they do love you, that is not a reason to tolerate bad behavior. And even if you still love them, that alone is not a reason to stay.

 

 

See the video that spurred the whole debate – Is it possible for somebody to cheat on someone they love?

 

Why Do We Fall in Love With People That Are Bad For Us?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I first started dating, I sought out boys that were the opposite of my father.  My logic went like this – my parents divorced, therefor my father didn’t make a good husband, so I would be better off avoiding guys that mirrored my dad.  And I soon fell in love with the man that would eventually become my husband.

It was only years later that I learned that by studiously avoiding certain characteristics. I inadvertently agreed upon other traits that were most decidedly unhealthy at best and criminal at worst. Traits that I was completely blind to at the time.

He was “Husband of the Year” to my face and a lying, cheating, stealing bigamist behind my back.

I’m not alone in giving my heart to someone who would ultimately be detrimental to me.

Why is it that even the most educated and emotionally intelligent people fall in love with people that are bad for them?

Habit– We all have a tendency to do what we have done. Mirror what we have seen. If you grew up in an abusive household, you are more likely to find yourself partnered to an abuser. If you were parented by an alcoholic, you will be drawn to the same. If you have a propensity for the lost boys, you will continue to blindly seek them out until you make an effort to break the habit. Overcoming a habit takes mindful attention; before you can change your patterns, you must become aware of your patterns.

Sunk Cost Fallacy– Just because you have put time and energy into nurturing a relationship, does not mean that the relationship should last. Sometimes, by the time the early infatuation has faded and we realize that somebody is a mistake for us, we feel like we have already invested too much into the relationship to bring it to an end.  This is often compounded by a reluctance to admit to ourselves or others that we chose poorly. It’s better to be embarrassed for a moment than treated poorly for a lifetime.

Are You Falling For the Sunk Cost Fallacy in Your Relationship?

Sliding In– You meet somebody. You’re attracted to them and you have a good time together. So you agree to a second date.  And then a third. Before you know it, you’ve moved in together after justifying that it makes sense to save on rent. And then marriage just seems like the next inevitable step, even if neither one of you have actually given it much thought. The person that made for a great first date may not necessarily be one that makes for a great partner.

Low Self – Esteem  – Maybe you feel like you’re not good enough and that you deserve someone who treats you poorly. Or you find your worth through helping others and so you’re drawn to those that need fixing or enabling. When our self-esteem is low, we inadvertently project it, attracting people that are also lacking in confidence or, even worse, pulling in people that prey upon the weak. A vicious cycle can begin where the person with low self-esteem is drawn to people that use manipulation and emotional abuse to further lower self-worth. How people treat you really does start with how you treat yourself. You must create a healthy relationship with yourself before you can entertain one with someone else.

The Love You Find When You Struggle to Love Yourself

Feeling Lonely – The distress of being alone is one of the great universal human fears. And we will go to great lengths to avoid it. Even as far as getting with and staying with somebody that isn’t right for us with the belief that somebody is better than nobody. The great irony here is that feeling isolated and misunderstood within a relationship is infinitely more painful than actually being alone.

Potential – We often fall in love with a person’s potential rather than their reality. We see their inherent gifts and believe that if they simply made some basic changes, that they would be better. Both for them, and for us. Of course, the reality is that you can never change another person, only your response to them.

Are You in Love With the Person or With Their Potential?

Rationalize – Their behavior will change once we get married/have a child/change jobs/move to the new house. They may treat me badly sometimes, but they are a great parent/provider/respected community member. I know they’re not good for me, but I need to stay because I can’t be alone/handle my own finances/find anybody else. Consistently defending somebody’s behavior (whether your own or your partner’s) is a sign that something is amiss and you are not yet willing to face it.

How can we move on from the damaging relationships and learn to give our hearts to those who deserve it?

  1. Focus less on what made your former partner bad and more on why you were drawn to them.
  1. Look for patterns in your past relationships – are you replaying roles from your childhood or consistently picking the same kind of ill-suited partner?
  1. Are you putting up with consistently poor treatment? Work at setting and maintaining boundaries.
  1. Spend time with people who celebrate your gifts and cherish you as you are. Let their love help you develop your own sense of worth.
  1. Forgive yourself for the poor choices you have made. Rather than beat yourself up, strive to learn from your mistakes.
  1. Understand that just because you made a poor choice, you can still make better choices.

During my own divorce, I was able to reconnect with my father. And I discovered that he is an amazing man with many traits that I would love to have in a partner. And so the second time around, I sought out a husband that had those characteristics and who treats me well not only to my face, but also behind my back.  A man that challenges me to become better while celebrating my strengths. This time, I fell in love with somebody who is good for me.

And I have faith that you can do the same.