I Run Not to Get Away
Happiness
10 Life Lessons From the Dog Whisperer
Yes, I know what you’re thinking, “The Dog Whisperer? That guy deals with…dogs. What on earth could he teach me about life?” Remember that yours truly has found life and relationship lessons in barefoot running shoes, the actions (or lack thereof) of an elderly cat, a campground, and a fencing strip. Oh, and I’m married to a guy who learns about life from the dojo. So, see, life lessons from Cesar Millan is suddenly not so strange now, is it? Besides, his methods have worked to make my 95-lb pit bull the world’s best dog!
1) Energy Transfer
Whenever Cesar meets with a new case, he watches the owner(s) interact with the dogs. He pays more attention to the behavior of the owner than that of the dog. His claim is that anxiety or a lack of confidence in the owner transfers to the dog. He frequently says, “I rehabilitate dogs, but I train people.” In our lives apart from dogs, we also transfer or energy. If you find that you experience stress interacting with someone, check your own energy. What are you responsible for transferring?
2) Don’t Grip the Leash Too Tightly
This is an extension of the lesson above. When you watch the owners walk their troubled dogs, they grip the leash too tightly and pull with all their might if their dogs lunges at another dog. This is transferring the anxiety to dog, but even more importantly, it is giving power to the anxiety. In order to control the dog, the owner has to learn to let go of the illusion of control and has to begin to trust their dog.
3) Prepare for Greetings
Cesar always prepares the dogs carefully before allowing them to enter a dog park or greet other dogs. He makes sure that they are calm and submissive so that they are well-received by the rest of the pack. It is worthwhile to check your own mental state before greeting someone. I know I can come in from a stressful day and take it out on my boyfriend instead of pausing and waiting until my own mind was calm. And, no, I’m not recommending that you start greeting people by sniffing their butts!
4) Work With Nature
According to Cesar, dogs process the world through their noses first, followed by their ears and eyes. Obviously, we tend to use those senses in reverse and we all too often expect that from out pets. Cesar advocated working with the nature of the animal so that you get the results you are looking for with the least amount of resistance. Look around you. Not everyone perceives the world the way you do. Do you expect them to conform to you, or do you allow them to use their nature?
5) Be Aware of the Precursors
On the show, Cesar will often correct a dog when I cannot see any misbehavior. Until the sequence is played in slow motion, that is. Then, you can see a slight tuck of the tail or a tip of the ear, a slight precursor to the attack that is about to occur. Cesar is so successful because he recognizes and responds to these early warning signs. I know in my own life, I am often too busy to notice those little signs, much less respond so quickly to them.
6) Move Forward
When dealing with anxious or aggressive dogs, especially ones that he is trying to form a pack with, Cesar frequently begins by taking them for a walk or a rollerblade ride (I think he has a death wish here!). His reasoning is that when the dogs are moving forward, it is impossible for them to focus on anything else. Now, I do think our brains are more monkey-minded than our canine friends, but we can still benefit from forward movement to calm ourselves. So, when you are angry, sad, or anxious, try going for a walk. Or a rollerblade ride if you’re more daring than I!
7) Calm and Assertive
Cesar always works to get the dogs in a calm and submissive state. The counterpoint to that in the owners is a calm and assertive state. He is very kinesthetic and models what this looks like: shoulders back, head relaxed, arms relaxed. It projects confidence and a calm mind. When I feel stressed, I find myself emulating the body language of Cesar to trick my mind into responding.
8) Trust Your Senses
Cesar relies heavily on intuition; he does not spend too much time in the “thinky place.” He trusts his instincts and, when he needs extra information, he trusts the instincts of his pack as they give him feedback on a new dog. We all too often discount intuition and try to over-analyze everything. Sometimes, it is better to trust your gut or the gut of a friend if yours is out of order.
9) See the Possible
About once a month, I see an episode with a dog that I think is hopeless. Cesar doesn’t give up. Some cases take longer and take more effort, but they can all improve. He brings the worst cases to his ranch, where they are surrounded by a healthy and stable pack. This is a good lesson in our own lives when troubles seem insurmountable. Improvement is always possible. Learn from Cesar, if you need more help, surround yourself with those who are healthy and balanced. Their energy will transfer. And, if that doesn’t work, maybe try chasing a tennis ball.
10) Redirect With Play
Need I say more?
Woof! This post is Tiger-approved.
En Guarde: Lessons From the Fencing Strip
I was never an athletic child. I always had various bodily complaints: asthma, joint problems, allergies, and I found it way too easy to pass on physical exertion due to these issues. Strangely enough; however, one of my long-standing complaints ushered me in to the world of sports and exercise.
I had always had pain and weakness in my hands and wrists. When I was 14, I had a carpal tunnel release done on the right hand after a nerve conduction test revealed a substantial decrease in nerve function. I had a hard road back from the surgery and I needed rehab beyond physical therapy. I had always loved the Monkees (RIP Davy Jones, my first crush) and was particularly enamoured of the episode where they fenced. (Okay, so maybe I was also influenced by Cary Elwes in tight pants in The Princess Bride. Back to the story…)
So in my 14-year-old brain, I came up with the following:
play with swords + strengthen my hand + get to hit people + hot guys in tight pants + mask to hide bad hair day = “mom…I want to try fencing”
Luckily, she agreed. I began to train at Salle Pouj, run by Gerard Poujardieu, a French fencer with a sharp wit and a tongue to match. My years training with Pouj were amazing. He knew how to support me and encourage me at the same time (translation: a swift kick in the butt). I learned what my body was capable of as I began to gather medals and I learned what my mind is capable of as I worked to overcome fear and pain. Here are just a few of the lessons I learned on the strips of the salle.
Commit
The big day had arrived. All of the fencing gear that I had ordered had come in. Pouj was going through each item, describing it and inventorying it. When he was through, he picked up a patch from his desk and showed my mom and I where it needed to be placed on the shoulder of my jacket. “KTB?,” my mom asked, “What does that stand for?” With partially chagrined look (yes partial, if you had known Pouj, you would know that he would never be fully chagrined about ANYTHING), he replied, “Kill the Bastards.” My pacifist-leaning mom looked shocked. I grinned.
He went on to explain that it meant to not do anything half way, to commit to your actions. In a lesson, he would say “through the spine,” meaning not to hesitate or back off. If you’re going to do it, do it right. Sometimes when I doubt myself, I can be heard muttering, “KTB” under my breath.
If you’re in a battle, it is a battle against yourself
Fencing is a bit deceptive. You face off across a thin strip, mano y mano, waving swords in each other’s faces. It would seem clear that your opponent is the masked person on the other end of the strip. I soon learned that my true opponent was myself. Each bout I strove to be better than I was before, regardless of who held the other weapon. They were almost inconsequential.
The true battle was in my mind. Against my own fears. My own voice telling me I couldn’t do it. I discovered that if I worked to win the battle in my head, the one on the strip usually worked out in my favor.
Sometimes, you simply cannot prepare enough
I ended up being pretty good at fencing. I frequently placed in the top 3 in the state for my division. One year, Pouj convinced me to compete in the Junior Olympics. I was confronted with the reality that Texas is not the fencing center of the country (I mean, who knew?). I trained hard for that competition, but it was not enough. I faced three left-handed in a row, and I had very little experience with the topsy-turvy world of fencing against lefties. All those fancy moves? Yeah, they don’t work anymore.
It was a hard lesson to learn. I had gone from being near the top to being inconsequential, a mere blip on the screen as my opponents continued to advance. I realized I had to let it go. Some situations are not winnable no matter how much you prepare.
Size doesn’t matter
Okay, get your head out of the gutter. We are talking about when I was in high school, after all.
As you may be able to tell from my photos, I am rather vertically challenged. Fencing is a great equalizer amongst athletes of all sizes. I routinely beat men who topped me by a foot and were much stronger. I learned to become confident in my body and feel strong and powerful, regardless of my pants size. How big you feel is so much more important than how big you are.
Don’t be too predictable
There was one particular pattern Pouj taught me that I really liked. It worked well with my height and my unexpected strength (in fact, I routinely disarmed Pouj with this particular move, which was no small feat!). As you can imagine, I used this sequence a lot. Too much, as it turns out, as my opponents began to anticipate its use. I had grown too comfortable, too predictable.
For my next trick, I taught myself to beat one rhythm with my left hand on my back leg while I fenced to an entirely different drummer. That kept them guessing:)
Analyze the slow and trust instinct when the speed picks up
In a lesson, Pouj would have me analyze and practice a move over and over, first in slow motion and then at speed. This was comfortable to me, as I like to think and stay in my brain-space. I did well, until the day of my first bout came. I tried to think through every attack and plan every counter-attack. The problem? I was still analyzing the initial attack and my opponent would be on his second.
I had to learn to trust my instincts. Believe that the body knew what to do.
If you hold on too tightly, you lose your ability to move
I fenced with what was called a French grip (which Pouj insisted on, go figure). The grip was a singular piece of metal, about a quarter of an inch on each rectangular side. My instinct when I first held the weapon was to grasp the hold tightly in a fist, especially because the 2 1/2 pound weight of the foil was quite a burden for my rehabbing hand. Pouj shook his head at me. “No, no. Not like that at all.” He pinched the grip between my thumb and forefinger and coached the other fingers to lightly wrap around. He explained that this limited grip was where all of my movement and control came from. If I was to hold on too tightly, I would not be able to move. By letting go, I gained more strength.
Hmmm…I think that lesson wasn’t fully mastered in the salle. Maybe that’s why I’ve had to repeat it.
And, finally, don’t drink too much water before putting on all of the safety and scoring gear for a bout
Pretty self explanatory.
In memory of Pouj, who taught me more than he ever knew.
Two Ladies Going to Verona (In Honor of Mother’s Day)
It was a happy accident. My mom was talking about how she met the goal of improving her blood work (cholesterol, glucose, etc.) and needed a new motivation to continue to eat right and exercise. I was feeling the travel bug biting hard and my unused passport in my maiden name was growing restless. And, somehow, some way, the topic of Italy came up.
She mentioned that it was her dream destination. The top contender on the bucket list. I casually mentioned, “Why don’t we do it together.” I heard her face light up over the phone. She grew excited. Giddy. We only had a few minutes until I had to go, so we quickly talked through some basics. I had made the trip to Italy once before with a high school group, so I had some idea of what I wanted to do on this trip. I thought of the places I had gone and what I wanted to share with her. I took off like a rocket.
Rome, of course. The history there. Piazza Navona and that little gelato place. Vatican museum. That place was amazing. Famous artwork even lined the hallways to the bathrooms. All those cathedrals. The Coliseum. I wonder if it’s still full of cats? The Pantheon. That one caught me by surprise. The beauty and unexpected joy of the rain pouring through the occulus. Florence. The Uffizi Gallery. Oh my god, those statues were amazing. Pompeii. I still dream of that place. Inspiring and haunting all at once. All the images came tumbling back.
I never made it north of Florence. She began to speak wistfully of Venice and the lake country. We would have to include those, as well.
When? We set a date. Summer of 2013.
All of this occurred in under 20 minutes. A trip sketched out. A dream laid.
I had a busy evening with friends that night. She had a busy evening too; purchasing travel and Italy apps, buying books, and beginning research. I could tell she was thrilled. Even better, I could tell she was motivated to stay healthy to be able to handle the rigors of Italy. I am excited to be able to do this trip together: mother and daughter. We will have our challenges, but they are known ones and mainly due to our different paces. It’s a good thing that I have mellowed somewhat and that my Vibram running shoes pack down small:) I am looking forward to showing her the sights that made such an impact on me 20 years ago and seeing the look on her face as she visits the locals of her dreams.
This was just a few short weeks ago. Since then, she has mapped out the itinerary and started researching hostels. I have begun the process of figuring out how to feed myself while there (luckily, it looks like gluten free will be easy, but I remember them all too clearly calling me a “sadomasochist” for being vegetarian when I was a teenager). I’ve been inundated with Italy-themed emails and the first “mom” package of books has arrived. I love it. I get to see my mom excited and, for me, I get to obtain the first stamp on the passport of my new life.
Look out Verona, these two ladies are coming your way!
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 