Learning From My Mistakes: How My Second Husband is Different Than My First

Posted on by stilllearning2b
second husband

Whenever I work with a client who is starting to think about dating again after divorce, I advise them to first make a list of the traits/characteristics they are looking for in their next partner.

Their initial results are usually so similar it’s comical – “I want someone totally different from my ex. I want someone with integrity and who will address issues head-on.”

I often find myself nodding along since my wish-list was much the same.

It was strange dating at first. I wanted different yet I also longed for the familiar. I found myself attracted to men that were way too similar to my ex (can you say trauma reenactment?) and not always drawn to the ones that had the qualities I was looking for. It’s definitely a time when impulses may not be trustworthy and it’s worth moving slowly and with intention.

There have been times when Brock wonders if I was only attracted to him because he is the polar opposite (his words) of my ex. The reality is much more than that and not one I’m sure I can ever completely explain to him. Yes, in some ways (critical and positive ways) he is the opposite of my first husband. In other ways, he and my ex have some overlapping similarities (areas of interest and compatibility).

But I wasn’t attracted to him because he was the opposite. The divorce highlighted for me what was important in a partner. And that starts with being a good person. I was no longer the same, naive girl that pledged her life to her teenage beau and was petrified of losing him. I was stronger and, as a result, I wanted someone stronger and independent as well. And my ideas of how I wanted the rest of my life to look were changing and I wanted someone who fit my emerging vision.

Basically, once I knew better, I wanted to do better.

Here are those critical ways that my second husband is different than my first –

Passionate

As I write this, my husband is at a Ju Jitsu seminar. I grumble sometimes about his commitment to the sport, but underneath that is a pride in his efforts and achievements. He amazes me in his ability to push through pain and keep going even when the goal feels so far away. His presence on the mat inspires both respect and fear in his opponents. I love that he completely immerses himself in something that is healthy, goal-oriented, inspirational and seriously bad-a$$.

My first husband was a driven man (his self-taught expertise in modeling software was evidence of that), but he had no real passions outside video games. In retrospect, this lack of purpose, of focus, left him rudderless when life’s waters became rough.

Alpha

Brock is an Alpha. Confident. Strong unapologetic male energy. And that’s good for me in a couple ways. First, I have an intensity myself and I appreciate someone who will call me out when necessary. Someone who isn’t a blind supplicant.  Also, I often feel like I’m not feminine enough and so I enjoy the contrast between our energies. As an Alpha, he is straight-talking and upfront. It’s not always decorous, but it’s always reflective of what he’s thinking.

I have nothing against non-alpha men. I have many in my life that I love and respect. What I didn’t respect in my ex was how he never challenged me and how he would quietly manipulate while pretending to be the nice guy. He was a beta who wasn’t comfortable in his own skin. That was the problem.

Helper

Some of the times I have loved Brock the most is when I have seen him come to the aide of a stranger. He is never one to turn away from someone in need, whether it be a man walking down the street with a gas can on a 100 degree day or a panicked woman pulled over after skidding on ice. Even when the situation could be risky or a scam, he jumps in, ready to assist. And when he’s done, he just turns and walks away, expecting nothing in return.

My ex also did nice things for people. He built a toy chest for a neighbor’s child. He would pick up the check. But here’s the difference (and it’s a crucial one) – Brock would make an anonymous donation whereas my ex would expect his name on a plaque.

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The 8 Loneliest Moments After Divorce (And How to Lessen Their Sting)

Posted on by stilllearning2b
loneliest

There is no escaping the feeling of loneliness after divorce. After all, a shared life has been cleaved into two separate paths. The sense of isolation is a quiet companion for much of the time, although some circumstances cause it to wake up wailing. Here’s when you can expect the loneliness to be at its worst and what you can do to lessen its sting.

The Emergency Contact

After the discovery of my then husband’s affairs, I scheduled a doctor’s appointment to ensure that there weren’t any lasting physical effects. I dutifully began to fill out the paperwork to update my information when I stopped short at the line asking for an emergency contact. For years, he had been the default name on that line. Now, who should I designate? Any family was thousands of miles away and it seemed strange to list a friend. I felt orphaned.

To lessen its sting… I texted a friend, asking if she was okay being my default emergency contact for the foreseeable future. Her response was heartfelt and immediate. I no longer felt quite so abandoned. It’s easy for us to make assumptions about how isolated we are when there are people around us ready to step up. Ask. You may be surprised.

The Nights

And especially that empty bed. That first night, I alternated sitting on the couch and walking the darkened neighborhood streets. I couldn’t even look at the marital bed, much less sleep in it. That rectangular prism of wood and cloth represented so many memories. Merely the thought of it made me ache for the warmth of his body next to mine.

To lessen its sting… Change it. Claim it. If you are staying in the same home with the same bed, purchase new linens. Move the furniture. Switch to a new brand of laundry detergent that doesn’t smell like memories. If you’re relocating to a new space, make a conscious decision to not replicate what you had. And regardless of your situation, fill the void with a furry companion or a particularly snuggle-able pillow. As for the nights themselves, make sure both your Netflix and your library accounts are current.

The Sharable Moment

It was just sign, erected outside of a new construction site. But to me, it was part of an ongoing conversation. My then-husband and I had wondered and debated about the nature of the new building. And when, days after he left, the mystery was revealed, I found that I had composed the text to him and was ready to press “send” before I realized what I was doing.

To lessen its sting… First, eliminate the element of muscle memory. Move the contact info to a different area of your phone so that you don’t connect on autopilot. Then, decide if this can be shared with someone else or even on social media. Sometimes we feel better just releasing the idea or observation out into the world. If it’s best kept quiet, try writing it down. I kept a small notebook just for this purpose. Also, find comfort in the fact that this impulse will fade with time.

The Shared History

When the first dog we got together died, I grieved not only for her but for the fact that I couldn’t share memories of her life with my then-husband. When he left, I was left with years of shared memories with no match, like a puzzle with missing pieces. I tried to share with others, but I soon learned that this was one of those times when “you had to be there.”

To lessen its sting… When there is an ending to a shared beginning (anything from a death to a promotion to a child graduating high school), make a concerted effort to mark it with some sort of ceremony, either public or private. When you feel the ache of unrequited shared memories, shift your focus to building new memories, new shared histories with other people. If a particular place or date holds painful memories of a lost history, try memory layering – intentionally building new experiences over the old. And here’s how long it takes to create a new shared history.And here’s how long it takes to create a new shared history.

 

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How Long Should You Wait For Promised Change?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“He promised he would change. But he’s still the same. I can’t go on like this.”

“She said she was going to be different, but it hasn’t happened yet. How long do I wait?”

One of the harder places to be in any relationship is waiting for the other person to follow through with promised change. I am often asked how long one should wait for the agreed upon changes to occur – what’s too long and what’s not long enough?

It’s never a pat answer. There is no magic formula, no rule that states how many weeks, or months or years have to pass while you wait powerlessly for the promise to be kept.

If you find yourself in this unenviable position, here are some of the things to consider as you ask yourself how long you should wait:

Who initiated the idea of change?

If you are the one who brought up the desired alterations, it’s time for a pause. You cannot change another person, no matter how much you want to. Even if it was agreed upon, if you initiated the idea, there’s a very good chance it will not come to fruition on your timeline (or at all). The question then becomes are you willing to wait for them to internally motivated to change or not?

Here’s a difficult truth – people never change for another. They change for themselves.

Are you hung up on potential?

The quickest way to anger a teenager is to bring up the fact that they have potential. They’ll immediately shut down, feeling simultaneously judged and unappreciated. Adults are no different. Yes, it’s difficult to see what somebody can become while, from your perspective, they’re squandering some of their gifts. And it’s easy to fall in love with somebody’s promise. But that’s no guarantee they’ll ever reach that ideal that you’ve pictured.

We are all always changing. They may move towards their potential and they may not. All you have to go on is who they are right. this. moment. How do you feel about that person?

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Are there actions alongside the words of promise?

It’s one thing to claim an intention to change. It’s another to take steps. In these cases, the words tend be grandiose, full of promise and potential. They can distract and cloak reality. In contrast, actions, real actions towards meaningful change tend to be quiet, easily overlooked. Yet these are where you attention should focus.

Understand that change is hard and rarely linear.

As long as actions towards the goal are occurring, be patient and compassionate. Change is scary and often way more difficult that we anticipate. Be supportive. Be an a$$kicker and a cheerleader. When there are signs of progress, give the benefit of the doubt.

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Set ultimatums with yourself and boundaries with the other person.

You need to decide exactly what you’ll tolerate. Think through those “if…thens…” and make firm decisions on your responses. Communicate these to the other person, not in the form of ultimatums, but in the form of boundaries – what you are and are not willing to put up with.

Ultimatums can be manipulative, seeking to control another’s response (which never goes over well). Instead, make your own decisions about you and communicate them clearly. Then allow the other to make their choices and follow through on what you promised yourself. That last part is important.

Accept that you may have to step back with the hope of one day stepping back in.

It may be that you cannot tolerate the situation unless and until the change has occurred. Or maybe the nature of relationship is in opposition to the change occurring while a certain level of contact is maintained. Distance can be helpful if it does without manipulative intentions and without the expectation of a guarantee.

 

Be honest about the limitations of change.

Behaviors can be learned or unlearned. Habits can be developed. Personal challenges can be managed. But ultimately, this person is who they are. Is that enough for you? If you are waiting for a total transformation, you’re not being fair to either one of you.

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When you’re frustrated, change your approach or your response.

After all, it’s what you can control. And you may be surprised just how powerful that can be.

 

Is addiction a part of the story?

Addicts are extremely skilled at doling out promises of change (peppered with just enough evidence) to keep you waiting. If there is addiction (or the suspicion of) in the mix, you’re going to have to practice some tough love. Check out Al-Anon for help and support here.

Attend to yourself.

Sometimes we get so caught up in somebody else’s issues that we forget to take care of our own. And sometimes we use somebody else’s problems as an excuse to ignore our own. Make sure to attend to yourself.

And most importantly –

Although you may be waiting on change, refuse to wait to live.

Six Revealing Reasons People Cheat

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Have you been cheated on and you’re wondering why it happened? (It may not be what you think.)

Are you in a relationship and you’re concerned your partner may stray? (Being aware of these signs can allow arely intervention before an affair occurs.)

Would you like to know what to look for in a partner to limit the chances of an affair? (Knowing these shared characteristics can help you select a partner that is less likely to turn to an affair.)

Knowledge is power. Learn more here.

How Do You Get Through Your Anniversary After Divorce?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
anniversary

So according to those that monitor traditions, the first wedding anniversary is supposed to be marked with a gift of paper.

So what do you do with the day once the anniversary has been marred by paper? Divorce papers, to be exact.

Those unanniversaries are going to keep coming. So you may as well get good at dealing with them. Here are some suggestions for you implement before the day, on the day and after the day to help make your anniversary a little easier..