Dating After Divorce: When Are You Ready?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I wish I could devise a formula that would tell you when you are ready to date again:

(Length of marriage)(# of months since the end of the marriage*) + (# of crying sessions)(# of explicatives used to describe the ex)

   (# of therapy** hours)

If this number <1, keep working on yourself; you are not yet ready to date

If this number >1, join Match.com asap

*This can be the date of separation, divorce, or when the spouse using the formula realized the marriage was over

** Therapy is defined loosely here.  It can be traditional therapy as well as meditation, journaling, exercise, etc.  Anything that is used to help the mind move forward from the trauma is therapeutic.

The Dating Game

Unfortunately, no such formula exists.  The “right” time to date is different for every person and every situation.  What seems too soon to some, is on time for another.  You are ready when you feel you are ready, not when X months have passed or Y tears shed.  Try to listen to yourself without passing judgement.  I knew I was ready to date when all of a sudden, I began to notice there were men around me at the gym.  Men!  I had turned a blind eye to all but my husband for 16 years, and now I was suddenly aware of the other gender.  I felt like a 14 year old at the mall, amazed at all the possibilities.  Luckily, before I threw myself into the mix with wild abandon, I took some time to reflect.  I knew that I was ready in some ways to begin dating, but I had to look further to see if I was truly prepared.

Please, take what I have to say with a grain of salt.  I am by no means an expert on dating.  I met my husband when I was 16, so I did not partake in much dating beyond him prior to that.  After the end of my marriage, I actively (very actively!  For a three month period, dubbed Match Madness, I averaged 8 dates a week.) dated for about 8 months before I met the man I have been in a relationship with for the last two years.  Even though my experience is limited, I went into my post-marriage dating very consciously, which led to some lessons to share.

Initially, I believed the conventional wisdom that you need to be fully healed in order to date.  Uhmm…how many adults walking around today are fully healed?  Have no relationship wounds?  Yeah, that’s what I thought.  If I had continued to believe that advice, I would still be waiting for my first date.  Here’s what I realized is important:

1) You have to want to be healed.

2) You have to be actively moving forward on your healing process.

3) You need to be able to accept responsibility for your actions and your happiness.

4) You should be at a point where the good (or even okay) days outweigh the bad.

Once you have reached that point AND you find you have the interest, it’s time to tiptoe (or leap if that’s your style!) your way (back) into the dating world.

In future posts, I will address how to get back into dating again, tips for the recently divorced on a date, my dating ten commandments, and how to avoid the same patterns that ruined the marriage.

Divorce Survival Flowchart

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I found myself suddenly single with no prior experience dealing with break-ups, I initially turned to books for ideas on how to heal.  The books had no end of suggestions, but they were buried in pages and pages of text that I simply could not manage to wade through at that time.  I needed a simple fix, something that would tell me what to do that didn’t require a full-night’s sleep or a full mental capacity to understand.  I created a version of the flowchart below to help me get through those early days, weeks, and months.  Maybe it can help you too.

I’d love to hear what you do or have done when you find yourself in these moods.  What would be on your flowchart?

Layering Isn’t Just for Sweaters

Posted on by stilllearning2b
English: Icelandic sweater Deutsch: Islandpullover
Image via Wikipedia

One of the most difficult aspects of separation is dealing with the memories.  I remember on my first solo grocery shopping trip, I burst into tears at the sight of the sparkling water my husband used to buy.  If I couldn’t even handle the sight of an innocuous green bottle, how was I ever going to handle the places and objects that sparked real memories?

In the early months, my primary strategy was avoidance as much as possible.  It wasn’t easy, though, as I lived about 6 miles from our former home and I still worked just around the corner.  I secured a P.O. box in the area for that first year and I would take the most circuitous, traffic-laden route to get there so that I didn’t have to drive by my old neighborhood.  Even so, I lived with constant reminders since I was so close to the crime scene.

Even while I tried to practice avoidance with the everyday reminders, I sought to consciously layer memories of the big things, I fought to take back psychic possession of certain locations or activities that he and I had done together.I staked my  claim on those memories I refused to let him have them. By revisited with others and layering memories, I could once again look at those places with fondness.

It was a surreal time.  I dragged city-loving friends on hikes through the mountains.  I faced the place in the airport where I last touched my ex with a  date, on our way to see the Smithsonian.  I went with groups of friends to the restaurant where he and I ate weekly.

At first, this layering was very deliberate, intentional.  Over time, I found that it became second nature, even to the point of applying a second layer without thought.  Much as one does with a sweater when the wind bites a bit too much.

Shift Happens

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Child's Pose (relaxation) Български: Баласана/...

I do an 1 1/2 hour power 2 hot yoga class on Sunday mornings.  I have attended this class regularly since January, but it still takes me right to the edge of what I can endure.  Yesterday’s class was an interesting lesson for me.  I went into the class physically prepared: hydrated, rested, not too sore from the sprints the day before, ad breakfast was on board, but not a recent memory.  I should have had an easy go of it.

The mind said otherwise.

As I moved through the familiar vinyasas at the start of class, I could feel my breath hitch and stutter, my mind interpreting that as an indicator of panic.  Here I was, on a familiar mat in a familiar room, and my body-mind was becoming convinced that I was in some sort of imminent danger.  I began to feel light-headed as the breath deteriorated further; I was losing balance in simple poses.  All signals were screaming, “Get out!”

I chose to acknowledge them and ignore them.  Instead of leaving the sweltering confines of the practice room, I gently folded my body into child’s pose to rest.  I laid there for several minutes while the class moved and grunted around me, continuing to press their bodies into position.  I simply breathed.  I had to work to tell my mind that it was okay to rest, acceptable to take a break and miss part of the class.  I stayed there until my breath was smooth again and my heart beat was less evident against my ribcage.  I stayed there until my mind shifted from fear to acceptance.  From fight to relaxation.  From flight to stillness.

When I pushed back up into down dog to continue the flow, I felt revitalized and refreshed, even as the sweat poured down my frame.  I went on to have a wonderful practice, even moving further into difficult (for me anyway!) poses than I had in the past.

Shift happened.

Know that your current situation and perspective is temporary.  If you are unhappy with your current state, stay with it, but do not nurture it.  Acknowledge it, but do not be consumed by it.  Accept it, but do not run to it with open arms.  Guide your mind to soften and remind your body to breathe.  Shift will happen.

How a Date With a Dog Opened my Heart

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I first started dating again, I was guarded.  I was ready to date rather quickly, but not quite ready to fully trust or to completely open up to another.  I viewed dating as a fun pastime, an opportunity to do things, get to meet new people, and learn more about myself.  I had no expectations, no goals, and no objectives.  I kept myself at a safe distance by telling my story early (just imagine hearing about a bigamist soon-to-be-ex-husband on a first date!) and informing my date that I was planning on moving to Seattle in a few months.  I let myself be attracted, but I kept my heart in reserve, hiding my vulnerabilities and projecting an aura of self-sufficiency.  I didn’t make it easy to get to know me and I was happy that way.

Until I met this guy.

Who could resist this face?

I had gone out with his owner a couple times.  We had an attraction, but I had (foolishly) chosen to focus on another guy over him.  We kept in touch over the next few weeks,  and when he rescued the world’s most adorable pit bull puppy, he sent me a picture of Tiger via email.  I didn’t think I could fall in love with a dog again after the pain of losing mine.  I was wrong.  That little guy (okay, maybe little isn’t quite the right word!) held nothing in reserve when we met.  He greeted me as though I was his long lost buddy.  He didn’t care what baggage I brought or that I was still learning to trust.  He fully accepted me as I was at that moment.  I didn’t have to protect myself or worry about getting hurt.  I didn’t have to consider if he was truthful or hiding ulterior motives.  All things that would go through my mind on a date.

Tiger wormed his way into my heart over the next few weeks.  I found myself softening, trust building both towards the dog and towards his daddy.  I’m not sure I would be where I am today without Tiger; he was my guide back into love.

A more “mature” Tiger