Self Deception

Posted on March 7, 2013May 20, 2013 by stilllearning2b

Self deception was the cancer that ate my marriage from within. After he was caught, my husband admitted in a text to my mom that he had started to believe his own bullshit. The fabrications he used to keep me and others in the dark were also used to protect him from the painful truths. He was convinced that financial solvency was a bonus check away. He believed that he could change his patterns and begin to make the right decisions.

He was wrong.

He couldn’t do those things, at least not at that point and without help.

His body reacted to the dissonance; his blood pressure soared to extremely dangerous levels, causing him to lose consciousness on several occasions. medications were useless and the doctors were stumped.

It’s because his hypertension didn’t have a physical cause; its roots were buried deep within his fears and his attempt to hide from them.

I also fell prey to self deception. I was aware of an undercurrent of unease the last year or so of my marriage. I had no reason to link the anxiety to my seemingly stable marriage; I assigned blame to a very difficult year at work. My body also must have sensed some discord between my beliefs and reality. I seemed to catch every cold and sinus infection that came through my classroom doors that year.

Psychology Today: The Dangers of Self-Deception

We are all subject to self-deception. It is the favored tool of the ego. We tell ourselves what we want to hear. We believe we see what we want to see. It is primal, as key to self-preservation as seeking shelter from the cold.

In fact, self-deception can be adaptive. It can help us overcome barriers and convince us to try the seemingly impossible.

Psychology Today: Why Self-Deception Can Be Healthy

The problem arises when we fail to check in with reality, when we believe our stories despite warning signs from the body and mind that we are entering dangerous territory.

So, how do we protect ourselves from ourselves? First, accept that self-deception happens. acknowledge that your perceptions and explanations may not be reality. Don’t ignore or dismiss chronic or repeated bouts with illness, pain, anxiety or irritability. Dig at it until you find its roots. Practice mindfulness; it helps to soften the ego so that you can see the bigger picture. Be honest about your biggest fears – this is where your self-deceptions will live.

It is scary to disassemble the stories we tell ourselves. We weave them so that we feel safe and secure; their absence provokes fear and vulnerability. But it also gives you freedom from the shackles of a lie.

Related essays:

Pardon Me Ego, I Need to Get Through

Lose Your Illusion

Fear in the Driver’s Seat

I Was Married to a Con Man

The Blame Game

Posted on March 4, 2013August 20, 2013 by stilllearning2b

Why is it that some people (those who have never been divorced, or even married, I would suspect) are so quick to lay blame on the end of a marriage. I mainly hear this when there is abandonment or infidelity involved; the expressed assumption is that the spouse on the receiving end must have somehow invited that behavior. It is not unlike the victim-shaming often applied to sexual assault victims or the way an abuser lays the blame at the feet of his/her abused. This mindset can be so damaging for those who are trying to come to terms with what has happened to them. Those who are trying to ascertain if they are damaged or not worthy. Those whose world has been torn asunder and who are looking to right themselves again. We need to reach out in kindness, not lash out in blame.

Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women'... — Image via Wikipedia

In my own marriage, I accept responsibility that my intense nature and my mind prone to worrying helped to create an environment that was supportive of his dishonesty. Regardless, that did not make it okay for him to lie for years, embezzle money from the marriage, leave with a text message and no discourse, or commit bigamy. The blamers say he did those things because of me. In the early months, I felt he did those things to me. Now, I believe that he did those things despite of me. He was sick, he was unhappy, he was fighting addictions, and I just happened to be collateral damage.

If you find yourself quick to lay blame, please pause for a moment and think about the appropriateness of the label. Think about the consequences of the assumption. Try to examine the situation from multiple viewpoints.

If you find yourself being blamed, especially after your partner has committed adultery or left without notice, please understand that the blamer is lashing out due to their own insecurities and narrow views. You are not responsible for another’s actions.

Ultimately, blame is a distraction from the core issues in trauma and healing. It is a winless game; it’s best just not to play.

I wrote more about blame on The Huffington Post.

Where Are Your Guard Towers?

Posted on February 28, 2013May 20, 2013 by stilllearning2b

I had an extensive collection of guard towers in my marriage. They stood side by side, almost forming an impenetrable wall that encircled the union. Each one was fully staffed and stocked with binoculars and communication devices so that no surprise attacks could occur.

There was a fatal error made in their construction, however.

They all pointed outwards, watching for external attacks.

I went into marriage a realist. Sort of. I knew that fairy tales weren’t real and I had seen firsthand the ugliness that life can deliver. I say ‘sort of’ because I would never have thought that my husband was capable of delivering that ugliness. I had a realistic view of marriage but I didn’t have a realistic view of him.

I set out from the beginning to protect my marriage. I was afraid of external threats. I always had a deep fear that I would lose him, but I assumed that it would be to death. That fear was not unfounded since I has lost 13 friends that way in the preceding years. So I erected those guard towers to alert me to any incoming hazards.

When years passed with no alarms, I grew complacent. Fat (figuratively speaking) and happy within the protected enclave of the union.

And that’s when the attack occurred.

From within.

There were no alarms because my attention was focused in the wrong direction. Much like a pickpocket or a magician, my husband performed his tricks while ensuring my focus was elsewhere. And it worked.

My guard towers gave me a false sense of security. They were focused only on outside threats and, even worse, they were built so densely that they kept others out even when they offered no threat.

My towers are different now. I have pruned their numbers, limiting them to a few so as not to obstruct the view of the greater world. I make sure that they are on alert for hazards inside the relationship as well as those coming in from the outside. I ask them to be selectively permeable, much like a cell membrane, allowing benign bodies to pass.

I do have to be careful, as my guard towers are now prone to false alarms. When I hear sirens, I have to learn that the threat may be a ghost from the past and not a real menace.

I am happy within their borders. I trust their ability to alert me to danger. But I am not complacent. And that’s the best guard tower of all.

Radical Gratitude

Posted on February 27, 2013June 5, 2013 by stilllearning2b

For Valentine’s Day, I decided to send Brock a daily email with a message of how I love and appreciate him. It’s amazing how much starting my day that way helps to put me in a better mindset. When I take those moments to think about and share my gratitude, I feel more loving and more patient and just happier in general.

But, let’s be honest, there’s nothing radical in that. After all, I’m marrying the man in 7 months, I’d hope I could come up with 28 things I love and appreciate about him:)

Nope, that’s easy gratitude, not radical gratitude. It’s really a form of practicing the perfect. It’s great, we both benefit, but it doesn’t really challenge me.

So, today, I’m pushing myself. I’m presenting myself with the challenge of radical gratitude.

Deep breath.

I’m writing a list of ~~twenty-eight~~ ~~twenty~~ ten reasons I’m grateful for my ex-husband.

Now, before I begin, let me just give you an idea of how radical this is. This is the man who ended a 16 year relationship with a text message and refused to ever speak to me again. This is man who locked our three dogs in the basement, not knowing if they would survive. This is man who stole tens of thousands of dollars from me and refused to cooperate with the divorce settlement. This is the man who committed felony bigamy and currently has a warrant for his arrest. This is the man who was practicing forging his other wife’s signature to use on a life insurance policy on her. You see? Radical.

Okay, I’ve poured the glass o vino and cued the Jack Johnson.

Here goes.

1) I’m thankful that I had such a wonderful best friend for sixteen years. We grew so much together and shared so much over the years. We knew each other from high school. We nursed the other through wisdom teeth removal and stayed together through talks of retirement plans. I’m grateful for that history and those memories.

2) He was always so amazingly supportive. He brought me flowers after a major presentation in high school. He gripped my hand years later during a painful doctor’s visit for shingles. I always felt like he had my back through good times and bad.

3) I’m grateful for the experience we had renovating a house together. We bought the fixer-upper when we were only 22 and not much more than broke. We worked on the house for almost ten years, putting in more sweat and ingenuity than money. He always amazed me with his skills and talents. He was a self-taught carpenter than earned the respect of professionals. He never met a job he couldn’t master. I was so proud of his talents and I loved to learn from him.

4) I’m thankful for how well he took care of our animals – three dogs and a cat by the end. He carefully tended our pug’s stitches when she had an allergic reaction after being spayed. He helped me build a cardboard fortress for the cat when she was a playful kitten. He hand fed our middle dog after he recovered from a broken leg. He stayed up nights for a week with our youngest when she had kennel cough.

5) I am appreciative of the teamwork we shared. We worked so well together. Somehow, we always anticipated the other’s moves or needs and reacted accordingly. I don’t think we ever snapped at each other while we were working on a project – whether setting up a tent in the rain or laying tile at two in the morning.

6) I am grateful for having such an amazing lover. We learned and explored together over our 16 years. I never felt limited and was always completely satisfied.

7) He had an amazing sense of humor. We both shared a love of comedy and of laughter. Through him, I discovered many of my favorite comedians that I still follow today (Bill Burr in April, baby!).

8) I’m grateful that he taught me how to accept touch and affection. Before him, I used to pull back from contact because I found it to be too overwhelming. He was so patient with me and slowly taught me the comfort to be found in his arms. I used to love to lie astride him with my head on his chest just listening to the calming beat of his heart.

9) I’m thankful that he was always willing to talk. This is a weird one, knowing what I know now, but I’m going with my perspective while in the marriage. He never shied away from conversation, even when I woke him early in the morning (not his favorite!). He was always a great listener and always made me feel heard and respected.

10) And, here’s the hardest one. I’m thankful that all this happened. Yeah, it sucked. It was the most painful experience of my life. I’m still paying for it – literally and emotionally. But it has also opened up a whole new world for me that I would not have realized otherwise. I’m happier now than I have ever been and I’ve experienced enough to be more grateful for that than I would have been before.