Taking the Long View

Posted on by stilllearning2b
long view divorce debt

Yesterday was a big day for me.

After two decades of carrying the burden, I finally paid off the last of my student loans.

I have to say, I was a little disappointed in Discover’s response to the zero balance. I wasn’t expecting anything too major, maybe just some balloons dropping down from the ceiling, applause coming through the speakers on my computer and a moderately-sized parade in front of the house. As it was, I had to make do with a sentence sandwiched between the ads for a credit card and a personal loan: “Congratulations. The balance on your student loan account is now zero.”

It’s been a long journey getting to this point. Much longer than planned-for or anticipated.

Life is funny that way.

And in so many ways, this slog back to financial health mirrored the emotional healing from divorce.

I don’t know what my credit score was on the day my world exploded. I refused to look. The last time I had checked, it was just above the 800 mark. But that was before my then-husband maxed out my credit cards, stopped paying my student loans and took out additional credit lines in my name.

I considered bankruptcy. The financial counseling session that I was required to complete as part of the pre-qualitification for the process left such a sour taste in my mouth. The advisor kept questioning my claims about my budget, unable to understand how I ended up in such a mess with a relatively frugal spending pattern. No matter how many times I explained what my husband had done, she didn’t seem to get it.

She blamed me. And I blamed me too.

Not for spending the money, but for being so stupid as to allow it happen without my notice.

So I hung up and took out a pad of paper to work out how I could pay back the money on my teacher salary without resorting to filing for bankruptcy.

I had to be strategic, although I wanted nothing more than for all of those debts to be instantly reduced to zero (and for my checking account to rise above sea level since he had left me with a negative balance). Silently, I yearned for my credit score to again be solid, instead of the shamefully low number that I knew I carried as a virtual scarlet letter, branding me as someone who didn’t have it together.

Over the next five years, I slowly and steadily paid off his parting gifts – a sum total of $80,000, if you include the legal fees that he was ordered to pay and never did. Three years after he left, I finally summoned the nerve to check my credit score. It wasn’t good, but I knew it was better than it had been.

I understood that this wasn’t a quick fix. It may have been destroyed in an instant, but rebuilding was a long game.

But even then, with the bulk of the debt resolved, it wasn’t over. The foreclosure (yet another gift from my ex and a legal system ill equipped to deal with manipulators), still pulled down my credit score, an anchor to the past. And the student loans, which were supposed to be paid off (according to the financial plan I had with my then-husband) in 2012, had instead been relegated to minimum payments in order to focus on the accounts with higher interest rates first.

Last year, the foreclosure dropped off my record, instantly catapulting my credit score almost 70 points. And then yesterday, I wiped out the student loans, which should bring me back up to my starting place of just over 800.

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It’s taken 9 years and 51 days to get here (But who’s counting?). There were certainly improvements along the way, some major and some so small that they were barely noticeable. But until yesterday, I didn’t feel as though it was “done.”

And that’s how the emotional work felt as well. I wanted it to be resolved quickly. I told myself that once the legal process was over, I would refrain from looking back.

Yet just as the foreclosure pulled down my credit score, the divorce still weighed down my heart.

It was a long, slow climb back to emotional health and stability. Some days brought great improvement. Most heralded imperceptible improvements. And still others sent me tumbling backwards, leaving me bruised and fearful that I would never make the climb.

Yet, at some point, it happened. Unlike with the financial health, I don’t have a single event that I can point to where I was informed, “Congratulations. The balance on your emotional trauma has now reached zero.” But I can look back at my writing and see a difference. In 2016, there were still posts where I was struggling with trust and abandonment and vulnerability. In 2017, those are absent. And that continues. That doesn’t mean that life is always easy, but it does indicate that I am no longer responding to the events from the past.

Healing from anything requires taking the long view. It demands patience and persistence, especially in those times when progress feels sluggish and uncertain.

Keep at it. One day you’ll be able to look back and realize that it’s no longer a reality, simply a memory.

Shame: The Silent Relationship Killer

Posted on by stilllearning2b
shame

Is shame at the root of your relationship problems?

In most discussions of the common relationship killers, the usual suspects are named: infidelity, finances, addiction, abuse, changes in external demands, or a growing distance between the partners. Yet, there is a silent relationship killer that often lurks underneath those commonly listed reasons and is a contributing factors to many reasons cited for a relationship’s demise. A condition that affects many, yet is rarely recognized and even more infrequently discussed.

Shame.

 

Shame is poorly understood; it is often seen as interchangeable with embarrassment. Yet they’re not the same. You’re embarrassed when your zipper fails and you have to resort to staples to get through the day without an inadvertent indecent exposure charge. You’re ashamed when you live and work alongside financially secure people and you’re wearing pilled and tired attire because you cannot afford new clothes. In the first case, the problem is with the item of clothing. In the second scenario, the clothes are only the surface. The real issue is deeper, perhaps a feeling of being unworthy and inferior.

 

Shame tells you that you are not enough. 

 

Shame is a hidden condition. It hides behind happy faces and lives inside enviable homes. It’s often ignored. Frequently misdiagnosed. And almost always malignant, spreading its blight throughout.

The causes of shame are variable and are often embedded in childhood where the message was either explicitly received or inadvertently assumed. The child that feels unwanted can become an adult burdened by shame. Children who are raised around addiction often assume the blame for the disease. Those that face unending criticism or unachievable goals may continue to feel “less than.”

 

Shame strips you of your power. It makes you feel small and vulnerable. 

 

Shame is toxic to relationships. It encourages secret-keeping by insinuating that if revealed, the person will no longer be loved or even accepted. Shame creates distance between the partners as one feels unseen and the other feels excluded. Shame becomes the elephant in the room, unspoken of yet so big that it has its own gravitational pull. Shame says, “You’re not okay. And if people discover that truth, you’ll be discarded.”

 

Shame wants to be hidden because exposure removes its leverage.

 

Holding on to hidden shame is ultimately a losing battle. It grows like dough set out to rise, stubbornly overflowing its barriers. It manifests in unhealthy behaviors, everything from overeating to toxic masculinity.

And many of those unhealthy behaviors are potentially relationship-destroying.

 

Shame and Infidelity

The causes of infidelity are myriad and complex. And shame is a companion to many of those justifications. When someone is feeling shamed, they may be tempted to exert their power wherever they can. It’s a childlike, “I’ll show you,” reaction that can have disastrous consequences. When feeling less than, any attention from somebody who is “forbidden” will be especially attractive, especially if the shame is anchored in ideas around sex (think about the common Madonna/whore complex).

 

Shame and Money

When a child first realizes that their family does not have the same means as the others, it becomes a shameful secret to keep hidden. No matter how much material success is found in adulthood, that early lesson may remain tucked away. For others, this shame begins when a job is lost or when illness steals away the ability to earn. Our culture places a great deal of emphasis on earning power (especially for men), leaving those on the lower end of the spectrum feeling as though they are inferior.

 

Shame and Addiction

This is such a complicated relationship. If addiction is in the family of origin, shame was a constant companion from the beginning. many people try to silence their shame through the use of substances and then the addiction in turn feeds the feelings of shame. Notice that the first step in any twelve step program is braving the influence of the shame and being willing to admit to having a problem.

 

Shame and Abuse

In the typical abuse cycle, the frustration and discontent builds until there is an eruption of fists or angry words. Then, a feeling of shame and regret prompts the abuser to attempt to make amends. Until the energy builds again and the cycle is repeated. The abused also may feel ashamed, believing that they deserved the mistreatment (hint: they don’t).

 

Shame and Distance

It’s impossible to be truly close to someone who is secretly battling shame. They have walled off a huge part of their history and their psyche. They are afraid of letting you in, of letting you see. So instead, they play a role and pretend to be the person they wish they were. And the most unfortunate and unfair part? You will likely be accused of not understanding them even though you have repeatedly tried.

 

Shame does not have to be a permanent condition.

 

In fact, the remedy for shame is actually pretty simple (although far from easy) – talk about it.

Shame tells you that you’re the only one. Talking about it provides the opportunity for you to hear, “Me too.”

Shame tells you that you will be rejected. Supportive comments and reactions allow for you to be seen and accepted.

Shame tells you that you have to carry the burden alone. Sharing it means that the load is dispersed.

Shame tells you that you’re broken.

Revealing the cracks lets the healing light in.

 

Are you struggling with moving on? Life at the Intersection of Yesterday and Tomorrow is for you.

 

 

18 Steps to Financial Independence During and After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
financial independence

It is not uncommon for divorce to initiate a financial crisis. The process itself is expensive. There are real and often high costs associated with splitting a life and creating two households. Health expenses may increase along with your (and possibly your children’s) stress levels. And that’s all assuming that your ex didn’t play dirty with money (as mine most certainly did).

Now that I’m on the other side of my own financial crisis initiated by financial infidelity and exacerbated by the legal process, I thought I’d share with you the specific steps and strategies that worked for me. Some may be pretty common sense, but others may be new to you. Please keep in mind that I am not a legal or financial expert and that the laws vary from state to state. Use these as a starting point as you take the steps back to your own financial independence.

Play By the Rules

This is not always easy to do, especially if your ex is determined to ignore or break every law out there. But it’s important. If you get caught violating the financial guidelines that are set by your state during separation and legal proceedings, you will only serve to compound your problems.

That being said, take the time to learn what is not allowed so that you can manipulate what is permissible. For example, I was not allowed to close any accounts or remove his name from accounts (Including as beneficiary; I was so afraid I would die during the process and he would end up with my retirement and life insurance. Ugh.) However, I was allowed to open up new accounts as long as I did not attempt to hide them (the funds were still considered “marital property,” he just didn’t have direct access). So I immediately opened up new checking and savings accounts and made sure my directly deposited paycheck went directly to me.

Accept Help (If It’s Available)

This is not a time for pride. If you are lucky enough to have friends or family that are able and offer to help, accept it. If you qualify for reduced fee attorney support, take it. If you can locate a counselor that operates on a sliding scale, be honest about your ability to pay. And when a friend offers to take you to lunch or out for drinks, just say “thank you” and worry about evening the score later.

Consider bartering for expenses such as babysitting or car repair. Reach out to your network and explore the opportunities. Be open, honest and creative. You may be surprised at where you’ll find help.

Create An Evolving Budget

Obviously, your budget is now different from when you were living as a married couple. And it will continue to change as the divorce process proceeds. Start your new budget by identifying your more permanent requirements: housing, food, childcare, etc. Then, add in your temporary necessities: attorney and court fees, mediation expenses, counseling, etc. Next, consider areas that may not be a requirement, but that carry great value for you, such as monies set aside to redecorate your space to make it feel safe and inviting.

7 Areas to Downsize During Divorce

Revisit the budget frequently in the beginning (at least every couple months). As some of the temporary expenses come and go, it’s important to keep an eye on the big picture and a handle on where the money is going.

Prioritize Free and Cheap Self-Care

It’s easy for anyone, but especially parents, to neglect their health and well-being during divorce. Self-care, particularly during a stressful transition, is critical. You can’t take care of your children if you don’t take care of yourself.

Look up yoga and exercise videos on YouTube. Explore your local parks. Get to know the vendors at the farmer’s market and learn about specials. Find a free meditation class in your city. Check out music and movies for free through your library and cancel the Netflix subscription. Check out Meetup.com for free and inexpensive outings and activities.

Plan For Indulgences

Too much of a sacrificial mindset often backfires (learn how). To counteract that, carefully plan for meaningful indulgences. When money is limited, make sure you invest in the ones that provide the most value for you in that moment. And be aware that these may change over time.

In the first few months, I treated myself to a massage every two months. The non-sexual touch was healing and calming for my frazzled body and mind. Later, I invested in an annual pass for the local botanical gardens, a temporary replacement for my own plants that were left behind in my old life. I always made sure to have a small, regular smile on the horizon to remind me that the situation was temporary.

Adjust Accounts As Needed

Once the divorce is final, you will probably receive the green light to make changes to any accounts that remain in your possession. Revisit beneficiary designations on insurance and retirement accounts. And then verify that requested changes are made (It took the company that holds my smaller retirement account 2 years to finally process the removal of my ex!). Take your decree to the tag office to have your car title transferred into your name. Divorce is a qualifying event for health insurance and decide if you need to remove your ex from your policy. Look at your auto insurance policy and make any needed adjustments.

If your name is changing, make sure to update it on critical documents – driver’s license, passport, etc. Be aware that a discrepancy in name can be a hassle (I’m looking at you, PayPal) and it’s helpful to change it all at once.

10 Struggles Anyone Who Has Been Divorced Will Understand

Create Income

Whether you have always maintained a career or you were a stay-at-home parent, after the legal process is finished is a great time to explore added sources of income. Start by looking to see if there are items from your married life that you wish to sell. There’s nothing like the satisfaction of unloading a cheating ex’s jewelry and walking away with cash:)

Consider if you have any skills or knowledge that can create a passive income stream for you. Don’t worry if it’s just a trickle at first. Every little bit helps you get back on your feet.

Strive For Independence

Perhaps you were awarded alimony or child support from your ex. Or, he or she is expected to pay a certain amount towards attorney fees or to help you get started on your own. And maybe you’ll see all of those payments.

But maybe you won’t.

Child support is the one area where the law is really on your side. But even then, you cannot depend upon the money. Especially when the courts end up locking up a parent for non-payment, thus giving them no way to earn the money in arrears. And outside of child support (and in some states, alimony), you are often on your own dime to try to force payments.

So strive to find financial footing that is separate from your ex. It may not always be possible, but it’s a good goal to have.

Counteract Anger and Fear

Money is never just about money. You may find your anger flare as you face bills and hardships that feel unfair and unplanned for. You may face sleepless nights as you worry about dwindling checking accounts and ever-growing debts.

Temper your anger with gratitude. I kept a gratitude list by my computer and I added one element to it every time I had to pay a bill resulting from his debt. It was a good reminder that the financial infidelity may have been awful, but that my present life was not.

Tame your fears with mindfulness. We often worry ourselves into a rut, one “worst thing possible” following the next. If your money fears are taking over, check out my coaching course on how to thrive after divorce; I give many strategies for working with fear and anxiety. And remember, self-care is critical!

Know Your Taxes

Even if you’re used to doing your own taxes, you may want to call in the professionals for a couple years until everything is straightened out. The rules about who gets what deductions and who claims what income can get muddled. And that’s on top of a system that is already confusing.

If you were the victim of financial infidelity (AKA marital fraud) or otherwise were unaware of what had been filed and monies are owed, you may qualify for Innocent Spouse Relief. You can read more about the program and its requirements here.

Understand Your Student Loan Options

If you currently have student loan debt and you are having trouble paying your bills, look into your options. I was pleasantly surprised when I contacted my provider. They didn’t make me feel ashamed for my situation (unlike all of the other accounts I had to deal with) and they gave me several options to choose from.

Student loan debt isn’t something to mess with; the consequences for non-payment can be severe. For example, in Georgia, teachers face losing their certification if they are in default on their student loans. So know your options and make sure you stay current with your choice.

Face Your Credit Score

Divorce can do a number on your credit. As in, make the number much, much smaller seemingly overnight.

I have to admit, this is one I didn’t do so well on myself for a few years. In the very beginning, I simply couldn’t stomach it at all. I had my dad scan the reports and, keeping the actual numbers from me, verify what accounts were reported. And then I swiftly inserted my head in the sand for the next few years as I worked to improve the score. Here’s what happened when I finally looked at it.

I strongly suggest using the app Credit Karma to keep up with your credit score. It’s free and easy. And, in those days when simply peeking at the number could cause my blood pressure to rise, I found its friendly layout and welcoming colors calming.

Actively Build Your Credit

So now you know where you stand. That’s a good start.

Now, work to improve your standing. The basic credit-building advice follows here – Pay your bills on time. When you can, open a new credit card if (and this is the critical part!) you can make sure you pay it off every month. Also watch the balance even if you do pay it off. If it’s too high at the time it’s reported, it will lower your rating. Make sure that accounts are reported correctly and marked closed as you fulfill your obligations. And watch with bated breath for the magic 7-year mark when old negative marks are wiped away.

Consider Bankruptcy

I hated even letting that word into my vocabulary, but once I met with the bankruptcy attorney and discussed the options and consequences, I felt better. I ended up electing not to go this route after deciding that it was not best for me. But I was glad that I had at least considered it and explored the options.

If your debts are overwhelming you, take the time to learn the bankruptcy laws in your state. Gather the knowledge, consider your choices and then do what’s best for you.

Reevaluate Your Retirement

Many couples piece together their retirement in a yin and yang fashion, some accounts bringing more stability and others more risky, but with a higher potential yield. In divorce, you are definitely left with less retirement monies and you may also be left with an unbalanced plan.

Once the initial emotional and financial dust settles, examine your current retirement and make changes as needed. Obviously, the closer you are to retirement, the more important this is. Especially if it extends your plans for full-time employment (If you’re in this position, I am so sorry. It’s one of the hardest parts of “grey divorce.”).

Keep Your Divorce Decree Handy

No, really. You’re going to need it. Whether it’s for changing your name on the account, eliminating your ex’s name from a title or providing some ammunition when you try to secure a loan, that expensive packet of paper is indispensable. Also, be forewarned that many organizations require the original document with the court clerk’s seal. I suggest purchasing an extra copy while you’re at the courthouse just in case your original doesn’t make it back in the mail as promised (I had to send my original in to have my passport changed).

Make (and Celebrate Reaching) Small Goals

Rebuilding your credit and securing your financial independence takes time. It’s a big (and daunting) goal. So break it into smaller goals. Even as small as paying your phone bill on time each month.

And then celebrate those small successes. It’s amazing how much ground baby steps can cover as long as you keep moving!

10 Ways Divorce Makes You Better Than Before

Be Patient

It is going to take time. Don’t let it take over your life or your happiness in the meantime.

After all, in the end, it’s just money.

And your life (and the lives of your children), is priceless.

Do As I Say

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Do as I say.

Not as I do.

I talk about how whatever we nurture, grows. I discuss starting with the end in mind yet still starting at the beginning. I believe in the power of intention to drive our attention and, ultimately, our outcomes.

I say these things.

But in one area of my life, I haven’t been doing them.

One of the more difficult aspects of the divorce was the loss of the financial security I thought I had. Not only did I experience a dramatic drop in income between changes in teaching and tutoring, I also had to foot the bill for many of his actions.

In the beginning, my main attitude towards money was anger, as I paid and paid and paid for his transgressions. My pound of flesh had already been taken and now I was just scraping bone. So I found ways to address the anger. I wrapped the debt in gratitude, initiating a habit of writing something I’m thankful for every time I make a payment. When my mind wanders back to the hemorrhage of funds during the divorce that the courts were never able to recover, I turn my thoughts 180 degrees and focus on what I love in my life now. Things that money can’t buy.

The anger was eventually replaced with fear. That may have been good for the blood pressure, but it still didn’t help me sleep at night. I was scared of not having the needed funds to live. I was afraid of further nefarious action, bleeding the money even as it trickled in. The fear is still there, yet I have tempered it with reminders of the people that have my back in an emergency or with a brainstorming session of ways that I could earn money, if needed. It helps. But it hasn’t completely silenced the fear.

But that’s not really what I talking about. It’s a part, sure, but it’s a part I’ve been aware of and intentionally corralling.

This other thing?

I’ve been feeding.

For the last five years, a common utterance from me, both to myself and others, has been, “I don’t have money.”

It has become my unintentional mantra.

A guiding intention.

Whatever we nurture, grows.

Damn.

My all-too-easily rational brain has been excusing this habit as merely a statement of fact. After all, this is an area where some realism is called for. If I walked out of the mall laden with designer-heavy shopping bags, well…let’s just say there would be consequences. Like no gas in the car.

I need to be realistic about what I have to work with.

But I don’t need to allow my current situation become my intention.

Because the truth is, I’ve been busting butt to pay down my hand-me-down debt and to generate new ways of earning income. Right now, I may not have money. But tomorrow? Maybe I will.

I need to get out of my own damned way.

And nurture what I want to grow.

I WILL have the financial freedom to live the life I want.

I WILL be debt free.

And, here’s what’s probably at the root of it all – I DO deserve to be paid. I’m worthy of it.

I’ve recorded the mantras above over the old one on my mental cassette tape. The old intention may bleed through at times, but I’m not allowing it to continue to play.

Hopefully soon, I can say,

Do as I do.

 

Provider

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We received news yesterday that our bid on the house was not accepted. I was disappointed, but not surprised. I suppose in a way, I was even relieved since I have some anxiety about the financial implications and obligations associated with buying a house.

(On a side note, I realized this past weekend, while sharing my story, that the financial aspect is the only area from which I have not healed. I’m not sure if I can move past that part while I’m still paying for his lies. It’s better than it was, but money issues can still be a major trigger. Grrr.)

Almost immediately upon hearing the news, I let go of the house. We had already discussed that if our bid was not accepted, we would go back to casually keeping an eye on homes and continue to save. After all, we still have 5 months until the planned move date.

Brock didn’t take it quite so well. He was restless. Discontent. He started searching the data base of houses for sale in the area. He sent listings to me and called me in to look over his shoulder. Verbally, he agreed that it made sense to pause and that we had plenty of time, but his actions spoke to a deeper need.

We even drove to look at a house (it was really amazing yet had a 100+ foot drop off in the back going down to a river and needed too much work for its price). I sensed that he needed to feel like there was forward momentum. I get it. I am usually guilty of the same anxiety-driven restless energy.

I awoke this morning to a note by the coffeepot:

“I promise I will get you a house you can be proud of.”

Wow. This explained his energy the day before. He sees himself as the provider. He knows that our current home is a bit of a dump (what’s funny though is that I’ve adapted and even learned to appreciate not having a “nice” home). He is feeling responsible for making sure that I am in a place where I can be happy.

He is taking house hunting literally. I’m surprised he hasn’t armed himself with a spear yet:)

My response to him?

“I have a husband I am proud of. That’s what matters.”

It’s been interesting for me to learn how important the “provider” role is to him. I didn’t get it at first, especially because he was insistent that women that he dated had their own career/income (he fully supported an ex for awhile and hated that). On my side, I’ve never wanted a man to “take care of me.” I was very uncomfortable with one man that I dated who had this approach. I saw the responsibility as equal.

It is true that Brock carries the majority of the financial burden. I’m a teacher. He’s not. What I now understand, however, is that he carries all of the financial burden in his mind. He feels responsible for the material well-being of our family.

I am grateful that Brock can articulate this need. My ex couldn’t and I think it was the initial domino in his fall. From what I can gather, it seems as though my ex faced professional decline. He lost a job and couldn’t find one to replace the responsibility and income level that he had before. He opened his own business, yet I do not think it was successful. My gut tells me that the spending and stealing started to try to cover for the lack of income he was receiving from his company. I think he was ashamed that he could not be a provider. He felt diminished and depleted. Embarrassed, even. He hid these feelings from me just as he hid the financial concerns. As a child, he was taught to keep shame buried deep and to not ask for help. He learned that lesson well.

I have come to understand that the way Brock feels about his role has a greater impact than how I see it or how it actually is. His self-image is based on being able to protect and provide. My role is to help him feel supported and appreciated in those realms, regardless of the external circumstances.

(I know that I also have areas upon which I base my self-image, but for the life of me, I can’t pinpoint them. Hmmm…got me some thinking to do!)

So for now, the boxes will remain broken down on their stack in the basement and the books will remain on their shelves. We will continue to live and laugh and love in our run-down rental. And, when it is time and the right home appears, we will make the move.

Until then, we live. And look at copious quantities of real estate porn.